7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, so after a year of spotty updating, being lazy and plain ol’ fuck all, it seemed like this was another educational week.  You’d think this would be a bit like a bicycle or something – you know, easy to fall of or something.  Anyways, there were some things that seemed like easy homeruns.  But were they?  Oh hell no.  I mean, Li’l Krazy Kim pushes the reset button on North Korean currency and I got nothin’.  Then there’s a punchline in this whole dynamite packing elf and mall santa story, but I just can’t find it.  I mean, that guy’s mugshot is straight up squirrels juggling knives and as I stare into those crazy-ass eyes, I still get nothing. Nada.  And it seems like the motherfucking thing writes itself!

So, anyways, as usual, prepare to be disappointed.

1. It’s good to be rich and famous. Except for that whole wife beating the shit out of you thing when she learns that you’ve been fucking around on her.

2.  I’m glad I’m not a chick. I mean, seriously, 85% of all women will be miserable? And they still can’t pee on tires?  Mother Nature has a fucked up sense of humor.

3.  Old people ruin everything. And by old I mean everyone over 24 years old.  Yeah, that likely means you.  Because, you know, some college kid has more money to spend on stupid shit than you do, you working slob (thanks, mom and dad?).

4.  The Argentinian Legislature are going with a ladder match to pick their next leaders.

5.  Count Chocula’s honkey cousin apparently likes those girly vampire movies too.

6.  Nothing says “creepy as fuck” like digging up your dead wife, making a clay body for her corpse and then sleeping with it.  Except maybe digging a hole next to her grave in the cemetary and sleeping next to said dead wife.  Sweet, but totally fucking creepy.

7.  Twitter is making it so much easier to spot society’s douchebags.

And there you have it.  Have a totally fucked rainbows and unicorns weekend!

Today Is The Day . . . .

No, not that day.  You know, the one where you decide to get your shit together and become a decent person?  Oh hell no.  Today is not that day.

Today is the day the officially marks the phone call I received from Company X where they said, “Hey, the economy is in the shitter, so we getting rid of your sorry ass.  Have a Merry Christmas.”  I wonder if they canned me then and not after the holiday so they wouldn’t have to buy me a present.

But it gets better than that.

When I was signing my “shitcanned papers”, part of them said that I couldn’t talk shit about them until after a year had gone by.  So, patiently, I’ve waited.  I’ve watched their missteps and hamhanded handling of certain situations and, instead of gloating, kept my mouth shut.  It was part of the agreement, and though I may be an asshole, I’m an honorable asshole.  And besides, they did a pretty good job of mucking it up.

So, how am I going to celebrate this momentous occasion?

The same way I did when I got laid off.  By getting drunk.

Have a good day, all you all.

Oh, So NOW You All Hate the Twitter

Once upon a time, there was this awesome guy who did awesome stuff named SEO Hack.  He was handsome (sorta’, if you squinted).  He was intelligent (well, at least on the short bus).  He had class (he put the ass in class!).  And when this thing called “the Twitter” was rolled out, he stood alone and dared to say he hated it.  All he could think of was telling people when he dropped a deuce, took a piss or watched the neighbor smoke a cigarette (that guy smoked a lot of cigarettes).  He was in the minority, but he cared not.  He hated the Twitter.

And now it’s all he fucking does all day long.  Well, more like occasionally every now and then.  But he does it more than he updates this crappy, forgotten blog.

Anyways, I’ve noticed lately in my Twitter whateverthehellyoucallit that there are a lot of people who hate the whole Retweet button.  They hate it so much, they’re starting to call Twitter names.  Well, maybe not names, but they are pissed about something.  Blog posts have been dedicated to it.  People have gotten on the Sfin and voted to hate it (or something like that; it’s all details, really).  All of a sudden, the microblogging platform that could has pissed off a whole shit load of people.

First off, all you all are late to the “I hate Twitter” party.  I had it already, emptied the keg and turned off the lights.  Where the fuck were all you then?

Secondly, really?  All you all are getting panties all knotted up over a friggin’ button?  I don’t get it.  I mean, it’s not like you have to use the fucking thing!  Don’t like it?  Then don’t use it.  Just get all ol’ skool on that shit and put “RT” in front of your retweets.  Seriously, I can still see them if you do that.  It’s not like they disappeared.  It’s not fucking rocket science.

What I think this boils down to is that people are looking for something to be pissed off at.  Much like a hipster at a fucking hipster convention (lock the doors and burn the building!) trying to be more ironic by mocking his friend’s Atari t-shirt (I know, who’da thunk he had friends?!?!?), the people who are hating on a stupid button are simply looking to be pissed off.  When you look at it, in the whole scheme of things, this retweet button bullshit is small potatoes.  Take it from a guy who’s always tilting at idiotic windmills getting pissed off about stupid shit – it doesn’t matter.  Really,you’re all still gonna’ die in 2012 regardless of your feelings about the stupid retweet button.

So, go ahead and hate the Twitter and bitch about the retweet feature.  I mean, hell, I’m sitting here watching the Golden Girls bitching about people bitching about the retweet thing.  Afterall, bitching and moaning about shit that doesn’t matter IS the American way!

Oh, and whoever voted down Ms. Whalen Jill in the Sphinn comments, you’re a douchebag.

At Least I Can Friggin’ Count!

Because I’m a bit of an insecure, narcissistic prick, when I actually decide to log in and perhaps post some sort of drivel, the first thing I do is check where my traffic is coming from.  I know, I’m weak.  It’s like a sickness.  But anyways, as I was saying, I saw in my stats that I was getting a bit of traffic from a link that looked like:  hubpages.com/hub/10-examples-of-a-bad-blog.  “Hmm,” I thought.  “Ten examples! This I must see!”,  hoping to see nine other blogs worse than mine.  Plus, I wanted to see what they had to say about me.  Even bad attention is still attention (remember the whole insecure, narcissistic prick thing?).

What did I see when I went to check out the 10 Examples of Bad Blogs?  Only five fucking blogs!  Motherfucker can’t count!  Or, he’s kind of a lazy asshole like me and stopped at five.  Either way, at first I felt duped.  And then kind of honored, because that meant instead of only 1/10th of the post being about me and The Worst SEO Blog Ever!, now it was 1/5th.  And more is always more.

So, zball24, thank you for the attention.  And I hope you get a fan someday.  And thank you for making me feel twice as important as I did when I first clicked that link.

the Ruper Is Wrong and Mark Cuban Is An Idiot

After writing my intelligent and awesomely insightful post about Rupert Murdoch’s misguided plan of having all his content de-indexed from Google (and I assume Bing, Yahoo!, Cuil, etc., etc.), I read what I thought might be an intriguing post from Mark Cuban, who, according to this post title, I think is an idiot.  His post pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  He’s an idiot.

I’m not talking just about his supporting all the “9/11 was an inside job” kooks, though that surely makes him suspect.  I’m not even talking about his inability to apparently use a question mark (there’s no space between the last word in the sentence and the question mark!!!!!!  Geez!).  I’m talking about his premise about how the Ruper (what they call him down at the YMCA) is having all his content pulled from Google’s index.

The problem is, instead of telling us why the Ruper is right, Mark Cuban just talks about how Twitter was a game-changer (hate that word).  And that’s fine – Twitter has changed the game some.  But that story is soooo three months ago.  Cuban doesn’t tell us anything other than Twitter is awesome and Rupert Murdoch is smart.

However, he doesn’t address Murdoch’s going to a paid content model.  If I followed a link on the Twitter to a fucking site where I had to pay money for a fucking subscription to read the damn article, I’d be pissed.  And I imagine the same could be said for other people.  It isn’t going to make NewsCorp any more money.  It’s likely going to piss people off and the only people who’ll shell out the dough to access their news are either other journalists or Fox News true believers.  If I were advertising with Murdoch’s properties, I’d join the other rats fleeing that sinking ship.  And I haven’t read anything saying Murdoch isn’t pursuing a paid content model.  It’s idiotic, and, again, it’s putting ego over profits.  Counting on only the Twitter and Facebook to push your brand is also 1999 thinking.  To support that kind of idiocy makes you an idiot too.  Though, not knowing how to use a question mark and joining the kook squad does too (okay, I’m an asshole and going back on my word of those not making Mark Cuban an idiot).

It’s his ball and he can do with it as he wants, just as Mark Cuban can use his network and name to pursue the whole Bush Administration caused 9/11 angle.  But if you’re gonna’ tell me that Rupert Murdoch is right and I’m an idiot, tell me why, don’t just lay more fucking platitudes on the Twitter.

And don’t call me a netizen.

“is andy dick an asshole?”

Last Sunday, someone asked a question and apparently that query got them to this shithole.  As a result, for some reason I feel compelled to answer their question.  So, here we go:

Question: Is Andy Dick an asshole?

Answer: Yes.

Rupert Murdoch, You Fucking Dinosaur

So, after a half a week and a weekend of no interweb, no the Twitter and nothing else giving me any news, I got onto the Twitter to see Mr. Pilatowski twatting some re-tweet about Rupert Murdoch having all his internets de-indexed by Google.

Say what?!?!?!?!

While most webmasters are bending over backwards licking Matt Cutts in the bad spot and sacrificing goats at the altar of Google to get some traffic, Mr. Murdoch is taking the bold new path of not having his sites indexed and perhaps rank for relevant news stories in Google. As part of his new paid access to News Corp. content, he’s cutting access to Google and other aggregators because they’ve been getting some sort of a free ride on the ol’ Rupert Murdoch express.  So, while the search engines and aggregators have been pimping his friggin’ sites for him for free, he’s decided to call bullshit on them and go to a paid model?  Seriously, that’s a good strategy?

Rupert, it’s time to join the year 2009.  Yes, Google, Bing, Yahoo! and all the search engines, as well as all the news aggregators, have been getting free shit from you.  In return, you get a whole bunch of friggin’ links that build value to your online properties.  As a result, your sites rank for stuff.   All because your websites are considered a fucking resource!!! What’s so hard about that to understand?!?!?!

There are plenty of people your age using the internet and I’m pretty fucking sure they’d understand what the hell I’m saying.  But instead, you’re going to take your ball and go home like a little bitch.  Meanwhile, you might get some people who sign up for the shit on your site, though, they’d likely get it somewhere else for fucking free. And I’m sure your advertisers are going to love the drop in traffic and ROAS they were receiving from the free traffic that went to your site leaches.  In the end, you’re putting pride ahead of profits.  And in the end, I hope it’s worth it.  Maybe you and fucking Mark Cuban can have a pity party when the fucking traffic dries up and News Corp and whatever the hell Cuban runs end up in the dust bin of internet history.

I got to be honest though.  This is so fucking exciting and I CANNOT wait to watch this train wreck!  Off to find corn for popping!  This is gonna’ be hilarious!

Top Chef + Delish.com = SEO Blog Serendipity, Bitches!

That’s right!

They actually featured a website, used the word “keyword” and did some other crap which means I can actually post a legitimate, SEO-related something or other about Top Chef and it will be half-assed relevant!  Which is great, ‘cuz rarely do I do anything full assed.

So anyways, from a search marketing point of view, it makes a lot of sense for Delish.com to have their site pimped by Top Chef.  I mean, hell, I didn’t remember the name of the site (again, shut the fuck up, Dad!) but was able to go the interweb and find it by doing this awesome search for “top chef recipe website from quickfire challenge”.  And I found the friggin’ site! You know why?  That’s right. SEO.  And can you imagine how much traffic they got from people who weren’t dumb assholes like me that actually could remember the name of that site (because they weren’t getting yelled at for not having a friggin’  job) or even knew that Delish.com existed?  I know, right!  That’s a lot of traffic.  And now if Bravo would quit being a bunch of stingy bitches and link out to that shit from their TV listings, I might not of had to use the Google at all.  Just sayin’, quit being a bunch of tight asses, Bravo.  It’s a real for real website.  I even used the son of a bitch to find a recipe for the only ingredients I had on-hand: gin, honey nut Cheerios and garlic salt (turns out they only recommend drinking the gin. Go figure.).

So, what lessons have we gleaned from tonight’s episode of Top Chef?  Well, first off, if you have a website about food and junk this might be a good offline avenue for getting online traffic.  Second, Bravo won’t link to your site even if they feature it on the friggin’ episode.   Third, Eli is punk ass who totally let Ashley go home for his shitty idea.  Fourth, sometimes it pays to be Picasso’s paint brush cleaner (really, dude, you were gushing) than on a team with Eli, who is a punk ass bitch who let you hang for his shitty dish idea.  Fifth, I hate Eli right now and will beat his punk ass down if I ever see him, so he’s pretty much safe unless my old man falls asleep before I do and I take his wallet and car keys.  And that piece of shit starts (who knew the Yugoslavians weren’t so good at building cars?).  Sixth, the only thing you can really do with gin is drink it, though I didn’t learn that lesson watching Top Chef but rather on Delish.com.

And on that note, there’s a gin and garlic salt and tonic waiting for me.

Go Ahead, Laugh At My Tinfoil Hat

On the Twitter, Google Wave, Wave, or #Wave have been trending for a couple of days now.  Some people are panicked that they haven’t received their Wave invite yet.  Someone mentions they have invites, and they’re inundated with requests for people – early adopters – eager to sign up and join the elite class of those already who’ve already joined.  And all this for a product, as the Streko pointed out, will be available in a month.

All this for a product that will allow Google to even more easily grab our data, use it against us, establish a one world government that will then be taken for robots who will turn us into batteries ala the Matrix.

Or, perhaps they will find a way to fight the robots back, but the “Dont’ Be Evil” bunch will ban all nuclear warheads (since it’s a one world government after all), but we’ll find outselves fighting an alien invasion and unable to take down the mothership with conventional weapons.  Then we’ll be enslaved by our alien overlords, harvesting water, aluminum and plutonium for them.  And no, the ladies’ costumes will look nothing like the slave girl garb Jabba the Hut had Princess Leia wear. They will make an effort to make them unflattering, like some mumus with lace doilies around the collar (for dress up occasions!)  from the Walmart or one of those old people’s catalogs that sell “personal massagers” that are really vibrators and it makes you snigger then grosses you out when you see one of them on your grandma’s nightstand when you go to raid her jewelry box for beer money (which serves your right, you thieving little prick!).  There really is no bright spot, except for the unemployment rate will finally be at 0%.  The only other thing I could see them doing is herding us all up like cattle, breeding and eating us.  Which would be a little awkward if our new alien masters looked like cows.

All I’m saying is this:  Just like you can’t unknow that your grandparents are “doing it” (think about this – retirement homes are like old people orgy centers, seriously), once you hand over all your data to our new overlords, there’s no getting it back.

And yes, I use and love my Gmail.

This Is As Inspirational As I Get

So, if you can’t tell by the frequent updating I’ve been doing lately (that was supposed to be sarcastic) I’ve been in a little funk.  And the fact I’m using the word funk, which represents quite possibly the third worst kind of music (preceeded by disco and whatever jazz they play where it’s a bunch of assholes playing a bunch of random shit) indicates as much.  But enough about the kind of music I hate (there really is quite a bit).  Jayzus I use parenthesis a lot (surprise surprise!).

Anyways, earlier today I was chatting with none other than the Mr. Syzlak about getting us potentitally getting our shit together and kicking a little ass.  Or something like that.  Basically, since I’ve been laid off, I’ve been looking around and wondering what the fuck I’m doing and what I should be doing.  It’s been about everything from whether I should take a shower today (vote was no) to what to do about the Hackmobile (still for sale – call me!).  And then great sage sent me one of those inspirational blog posts where in the comments everybody says cheery shit like “Here here!” and crap like that.  But the blog post was spot on, and got me to thinking of the philosophy I’ve been pondering since I heard some jerk on the TV say it a month or two ago – “we all need to just learn to be happy with what we have, man!”

Why not be happy with what I have?  Why shouldn’t Syzlak be happy with whatever he has (enter your own venereal disease joke here)?  Why can’t we all just be happy with what we have?

As I left my conversation with Mr. Syzlak to investigate the shower dilemma further, I realized that the reason I, or Syzlak, or whoever else seem to be unsatisified with their lot isn’t hapy with whatever it is we have is because that philosophy is total fucking bullshit.  It’s just a bunch of New Age, feel good hippie bullshit to make you okay with the fact all you did all day was smoke a bunch of dope and watch Dora the Explorer.  You might have watched Spongebob or Star Trek, but you couldn’t get your lazy ass off the couch to find the remote. But that’s okay, because you’re happy with what you have, even if it some annoying little bitch and a monkey.

And I almost fell for it.

If our ancestors were just happy with what they had, we’d all be sitting around in a fucking cave somewhere picking scabies and fleas off each other.  There’d be no porn, no booze, no cars or any of the other shit that makes living today in this day and age fucking awesome.  We’d all be sober, walking everywhere and wishing to see some random boobs while wondering if there is a faster way to quickly cook some fucking popcorn while simultaneously making our whole friggin’ house stink.  It wouldn’t matter that amps didn’t go to 11 because there’d be no amps to crank and piss off the neighbors.  We’d all be content that our cars are quiet and ride at factory height. There’d be no Shakespeare, no Beethoven and no Ziggy.  Or even Ziggy with nipple on his nose, because everyone would be happy with regular old Ziggy.

And forget about bacon.

Screw being happy with what you have.  Strive to have better.  Work your ass off to get what you want, not just what you need and what you’d be content with.  There’s nothing wrong wanting more, wanting better, or hell, just wanting.  If no one wanted anything, we’d all be out of a job.  Well, I’m already out of a job, but you know what I’m getting at.

So, do what that one blog post says – get busy living or get busy dying.  And if you’re happy with what you have, fine.  But don’t let some asshole convince you that you need to be content or happy with whatever it is you have when you’re not.  While that jackass might not be trying to sell you anything, he’s wrong.  There’s not a damn thing wrong with wanting better.

Christ, I sound like a friggin’ motivational speaker or something.