7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, it’s been crazy for the last couple of weeks and because of that craziness, I didn’t learn a damn thing until this week. And what an educational week it was! Hell, I’m still learning shit from the interweb as we speak.

However, if you’re one of the three or four people who’ve been returning to see what awesomeness I learned from the interweb, you’re gonna’ be disappointed. I mean, I think it’s pretty good, but when I showed it to the dog the fucker bit me (maybe I should take Bill D up on his offer). That could be taken as a sign of things to come. At any rate, as I said, I think it’s pretty good but be prepared to be disappointed.

1. I think Bagel said it best: Drugs are awesome! I think that pretty much sums it up. I got nothing.

2. Louisianna has finally found a way to make all their lazy wildlife earn their keep.

3. Some people don’t understand antique canine cinema. After seeing this excellent dog film on Best Week Ever, it made me realize people today don’t understand the “innocent” nature and low brow nature of early talky watchers. In the Best Week Ever write-up, the author was clearly concerned with Queenie having been raped. In early cinema, the woman’s, er in this case bitch’s, virtue was never compromised unless it was a vehicle to explain why she was now a prostitute. This is actually a very common theme in early canine cinema. Now, some people are upset at the fact a black dog was attempting to have his way with Queenie and she was saved by a mutt, white dog and that it somehow speaks to the racist nature of early dog film. Actually, this has nothing to do with race and more to do with the “good guys wear white, bad guys wear black dichotomy” we see prevalent in Westerns and in the search industry. Something else people think is that this film is a social commentary on the state of American living and the need for prohibition. Again, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is people love to watch dogs doing crazy shit, like drinking liquor and fist fighting. This is the reason “Dogs Playing Poker” is the most recognized piece of art after the Mona Lisa.

4. Looking for some 12-year-old tail? Head to Mexico! I love how they have the lowest age of consent in not only the Americas, but it looks like it’s the lowest age in the Northern hemisphere. And I didn’t ask Syzlak how he found this.

5. People are assholes. And some people are horrible with anaologies. Seriously - this is like teenagers throwing a cat in a bag and throwing it over a clothesline? First of all, that’s a lame prank. Second, is the talking about hanging the bag from a clothesline? ‘Cuz if so, if it was a sunny day, a cat might think that was a helluva’ nice thing (remember, cats, like me, are lazy). I fail to see why that’s cruel. Now if they’re throwing the bag over a clothesline and letting hit the ground, what kind of fucked up game is that? Volleyball with a cat in a bag? Now that’s mean, but I fail to see why that would even be considered a prank or a game. Again, worst analogy ever.

6. I have a hard time deciding which is creepier - babies’ heads enlarged and attached to adult bodies or mens’ heads shrunk down and attached to baby bodies? Either way, I have Rebecca to thank for this conundrum.

7. Shoemoney and Calacanass will always be able to rile up the industry. And predictably, the industry will respond with links and rants. Me, on the other hand, will only be able to rile up one crazy person on the Sphinn. And I needed help to do that. And it only inspired one crazy rant.

So there you have it. I really hope you didn’t think since I skipped the last two weeks I was gonna’ give you 21 Things I Learned On The Interweb in the Last Three Weeks. Seriously, that was probably punishment enough for you, wasn’t it?

Final Countdown Throwdown, Part 2

Alright, it’s been a while since the first Final Countdown Throwdown, and since I got nothing today I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for another installment of FCT. Last time, as you recall (and if you don’t you better get your ass to that post), the pale-faced, screechy boys from Norther had their asses handed to them by some random guys in matching black t-shirts at some random county fair. How did Norther lose, you ask? Because no one else voted and I decided SRGIBT’s were the ultimate of awesome. Plus, this blog is a dictatorship (and, perhaps dicktatorship) and I liked them better anyways.

In this installment, we have Children of Bodom (what or where the hell is Bodom?) versus the Squarepants Funtime Band. First up, COB:

Okay, now that’s pretty fucking awesome. It’s got the fucking hot ass licks of speed metal plus the screechy vocals combined with a galloping beat we’ve come to expect from death/speed metal covers of the Final Countdown. The interesting thing is on the YouTube there’s all sorts of debate over whether or not this is really Children of Bodom or if it’s Norther or some other band. Personally, I could give a shit. I don’t know who any of these bands are anyways if they didn’t have covers of the Final Countdown! God, I want to go out and destroy shit and build a rocket. And the fucking solo - fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH! That’s how you get it the fuck on! And the fucking double pedaling on the bass drum? Shit, I have to go change my pants.

Okay, after that well of awesomeness, next up is the Squarepants Funtime Band:

I have to admit, this is a very tame and true to the original version of Final Countdown. While initially I was all for the “let’s go burn down some libraries and fuck shit up” version by COB (or whichever band it is), what you have to give the Spongebob Funtime Band is they brought all the pomp and majesty of glam rock while amping it up for the arena. Costumes - excellent idea. I know the whole high school marching band thing has been done to death, but so has 80’s hair metal. It’s kitschy and cool all at the same time. Might I dare say, oh yes, this is fucking punk rock (used as an adjective, not musical genre). And if you doubt how hard this rocks, just check out the looks on the faces of the crowd. Lucky bastards. The only thing that would be luckier for them is if the arena collapsed and killed them all so they wouldn’t have to face the disappointment of nothing being as fucking awesome as the rock spectacle the Squarepants Funtime Band honored them with.

This is gonna’ be a tough call for me. While I love the “make-you-want-to-punch-your-boss-in-the-face” sound of COB’s version of Final Countdown, I appreciate and admire the audacity of the Squarepants Funtime Band. This your chance to pick a winner! And I don’t mean from your nose!

Happy Cinco de Mayo - Yahoo! Defeats Microsoft (sort of)!

Normally, Cinco de Mayo is a day I love because of it’s historical prominence.  That, and any excuse to get drunk is a good holiday (hence, why I’m not a big Easter fan.  Even Christmas has booze!).  So what has today making me more excited than the Mexicans using cows to defeat the French?  MSN has dropped their bid to totally fuck up buy Yahoo!

Apparently, Ballmer is better at reading between the lines than dancing.  That’s right - after friggin’ cheap ass Microsoft offered them a few bucks more per share, Yang was like “Let me think about this, ‘cuz, you know, that will only buy two KFC Snackers per share. . . .” and Ballmer was like “Whatever.  You realize, overall, that’s a lot of Snackers” and then to the press, “Hey man, we can do advertising stuff too!  We know how to monetize!  Well, except for search . . . .” and now it’s all “Hey Yang - suck it!”

Just as the small but brave Mexican army outflanked and stampeded the French, I like to think Yang has outflanked and stampeded Microsoft and Ballmer.  Only, instead of cows, he used procrastination.  And instead of getting Microsoft to retreat in defeat, they retreated out of something that wasn’t fear nor defeat.  I don’t know what it was.  All I am is glad is that Yahoo! is still Yahoo! and MSN is still shitty.  Life is back to normal.

So, while many will celebrate that victory on a muddy slope in Puebla in 1862, I’m going to celebrate the non-triumph of Yahoo! remaining independant from the all thumbs club of Microsoft.  Now, I have a margarita calling me . . . .

How Much?

Man, what a day. Not very often does one get called a liar, let alone likened to a rapist, murderer, thief or spammer (would be interesting to see which of the five you find to be the worst insult!) in one day. But every once in a while something crazy like that happens, and it causes you to reflect on what you’ve been doing. Am I really that bad of a guy? I mean, I only desphinned a post and now, now I’m on par with a rapist? Well, I won’t get into what kind of person makes those kind of statements. But it did bum me out a little and made me realize that perhaps there are just some communities left best to ignore.

I was feeling pretty blue about the whole thing. Then Streko, who must’ve known I was feeling a bit glum (and is also a liar on par with rapists, murderers, thieves and spammers), sent me a link that lifted my spirits a bit. And then it made me scratch my head and think, what the fuck? Not even WTF - a full-on spelled out What the Fuck? I went to the blog value site he pointed out and, believe it or not, this shit hole is worth $63,793.02. Holy shit! That’s a whole lot of money! I mean, Syzlak was worth $23,146.14 and Streko, well, they would give him $4,516.32 (that’s not a value judgement!). But still. That’s a whole lot of money! Imagine all the gin, tonic and ammunition one could purchase!

However happy it made me, I had to crash down to reality. While this applet was fun and I’ll probably add the widget code to the side bar (because it cracks me the fuck up! $60 fucking thousand!), the reality of the situation is that if it’s only valuing links, then it’s hard to determine the true value of a blog (and I’m not just talking about this one). I mean hell, there’s content, loyalty to the person writing the content, all the other stuff they’ve been involved in . . . or not involved in . . . .

So in reality, if you take into the account of the quality of this product (poor), the reliability of its proprietor (poor), the quality of its links (could be pretty good!) and the loyalty of its readers (the best ten people in the world!), then I have a feeling it’s overvalued. Though, dump the proprietor and this shit hole may actually be worth somewhere in that $60,000 neighborhood.

With that said, I am taking all offers. Cash preferred. Livestock considered.

7 Things Twitter Can’t Do

There must be a shortage of new social media communities and junk for us to exploit participate in because everyone is still talking about Twitter. It’s bad enough there’s all this bullshit about how awesome Twitter is on Twitter, and the Twitter love notes makes me want to stab a fucker in the eye, but to clog up the Sphinn with it too? It seems like every thing sfun on the Sphinn is about fucking Twitter (maybe I’m missing a strategy on getting on the first page of the Sphinn . . .)! “Twitter Wrote This Column for Me” or “Twitter Secrets Revealed” or “Twitter: I Twink I Twove You” or “Twitter Helped My Balls Drop“. Enough already. You like Twitter. I get it.

I’m not one to piss on someone’s parade (okay, maybe I am a little) and I’m sure it’s great for marketing to other marketers, but, believe it or not, there are some things Twitter can not do. I know, some of you are staring at the screen, scratching your heads in disbelief. But it’s true and I compiled a list below.

1. Twitter will not cure AIDS (or the HIV). I know it sounds crazy, but some people confuse Twitter with virologists, doctors and scientists. Twitter cannot cure cancer, the common cold or hemroids either. The only thing it’s been proven to cure is copious amounts of free time.

2. Twitter can not prevent global warming. Lemme’ guess, some hippie out there is saying, “Hey man, that’s harsh. If I tweet people about, like, green houses gases, man, we can do something about it! Kill Bush!” Sorry, hippie. By using a computer you’re just making it so more electricity needs to be generated, which just causes more green house gases created by coal fired power plants to be released into the atmosphere. Put down the bong, take a bath and go nuclear.

3. Twitter is not the second coming of Christ. Nor is it the Maitreya Buddha, the Man Child or any other religious figure. Though I think it is achieving cult status.

4. Twitter can not free Tibet. Actually, it does the opposite. Every time some writes something about Twitter, the Chinese government tortures a Tibetan monk.

5. Twitter can not get you laid. I know, you’re thinking you’re meeting all of these interesting people and they’ll find you interesting and then you all will get a hotel room and have an orgy or something. Think about it. First, you have to actually quit using the Twitter to meet people and get naked. Second, if you’re forever talking about what you’re doing, do you think that person you’re hooking up with is going to want to tell people about who you’re screwing? Furthermore, say you do get laid. Do you want that person to put up details about the “great disappointment” on the Twitter?

6. Twitter will not let the dog outside to take a shit. Seriously, it won’t. Just trust me on this one.

7. Twitter will not give you hug. It has no arms, nor a heart. It just wants to suck up your soul and your time.

I know there are plenty of other things the Twitter can’t do, and I assure you there will probably be another list. In the meantime, feel free to check out my Twitter feed.

Holy Shit! It’s Monday Already?

Oh my god.  I don’t even know where last week went.  The last thing I remember was Calacanis saying something along the lines of SEO being a waste of time and then it’s been a blur since then.  Him saying that was like my birthday and Christmas and Halloween being all rolled into one.  And then apparently I got blackout drunk, missed the opportunity to post about it and then missed out on several days.  I’m inclined to say those lost days were probably due to abduction, but let’s face it - I was probably sleeping them off in the ditch somewhere.

So, anyways, Calacanis is dead, and Calacanass is back!  Yes!!!  Merry Chrimbirthoween to me!

And yes, I realize this post is a total cop-out.

SMX Social Media Marketing - Brought to You By Twitter!

So, it looks like SEO conference season is upon us and running full tilt.  Seems like every time I open my inbox, some sales person who gave me a friggin’ pen in exchange for my email address (my ass they were actually giving away a fucking iPod!) are hitting me up and telling me if I’m at the show to stop by their booth.  Sorry people, if I didn’t sign up for whatever program you have by now, I ain’t gonna’.  You might as well dump me off your fucking email list already, alright?  Thank you.

While the SEO conference names all seem to blur together (hell, it might just be two shows, and I’m not bothering to read the fucking emails.  NO! I don’t want to advertise in your friggin’ magazine, alright?), somehow I managed to remember the SMX Social Media Marketing thingy in Long Beach (land o’ Snoop Dogg).  A whole show dedicated to Social Media Marketing?  For reals?  That made a lot of sense.  So I went to the site.

But as I looked through it, it occured to me that while social media is “the place to hang” (god, I sound like a honkey right there.  Oh well, I yam what I yam, and apparently what I yam is a honkey), on the Sphinn it seems like the only thingy loosely related to social media that gets any play is fucking Twitter.  While I was scanning the agenda highlights for SMX Social, I realized all of these are going to devolve into some fucking hand job for Twitter (someone involved with all these SEO conferences must own it.  Damn I’m using a lot of parenthesis in this post!).  So, without further ado, I present the SMX Social agenda highlights and how they relate to Twitter!  Hurrah!

Social Media Marketing Essentials - Basically, this discussion is going to be about how if you haven’t signed up for Twitter, you’re a fucking moron and will be chastised for not having done so.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Linkbait - Chumming for Traffic on Social Media Sites - Did you know that creating compelling linkbait may be a great way to open your site up to new visitors (though short term) and a great source for links (though perhaps off-topic)?  But what makes linkbait great is you can tell all your friends about it via Twitter! Twitter! Twitter! Twitter! Hurraaaay!

Extra! Extra! The Social News Sites - Aha! You thought this wouldn’t be about Twitter?  Dumbass.  Of course it’s going to be about Twitter! How else anyone going to tell people about their posts and articles appearing on these sites?  Twitter.  Any other way is soooooooo 1899.

A Marketer’s Guide to Social Bookmarking & Tagging - Hmm.  This one might not have anything to do with Twitter, unless they’re recommending to get on the Twitter and tell your followers about your bookmarks and junk.  I’m sure Twitter will get mentioned.

Effectively Leveraging Social Networking - The original title for this discussion was “Effectively Leveraging Social Networking with Twitter”.  Or at least that’s what I’m guessing.

Evangelist - The Marketer’s Role in SMM - Finally someone will tell the world what the hell an Evangelist is (I’m guessing cheerleader is more appropriate but looks lousy on a business card).  And this discussion will tell us how these evangelists use Twitter to pimp their company.

Wikipedia, Yahoo Answers & Answer Sharing - I’m guessing this panel will discuss how Wikipedia, Yahoo! Answers and all that will die because Twitter is SOOOOOOOO dreamy!  And Matt McGee will get shit for not having signed up for Twitter.

There you have it.  So now go to my Twitter feed and sign up to follow me, okay?

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week.

Wow, I’m getting these up late.  And to think I almost had it all done yesterday!  But, as you know, I’m a lazy bastard.  Like really fucking lazy.  Like, oh hell, who cares, you get the idea.  And I got nothing.  It’s not like I’m Johnny fucking Carson here.

Anyways, either there was a lot of crazy shit going or a lot people have been thinking the 7 have been sucking.  Oh well.  But if it weren’t for these people sharing things with me, then this week might have really sucked!  Seriously!  I mean, I learned a ton of junk this week with a minimal amount of effort.  And for a lazy asshole such as myself, that’s awesome (however, don’t equate that statement with meaning I was more productive, cuz, again, I’m lazy).  So, without further ado, 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week - A Little Help From My Friends edition (I can’t believe I got to use the word “friends” in relation to myself!):

1. Sexy + crazy = Alicia Keys. But I doubt she can rock the tinfoil helmet like I can.

2. Some big-brained people may be giving us ninjalistic ultra-highspeed internet!  The only downside is the motherfuckers might also destroy the fucking world.  Good thinking, assholes.  I don’t care if it’s only a 1 in 50 million shot.  I kinda’ like living and shit, though for as much bitching as I do I imagine that might surprise some of you.  That better be some super-fucking awesome internet and I better be able to get ahold of that shit.

3. There is a lot to be learned about funeral ettiquite. For example, hugging is good, but groping, not so much. Consoling the mother of the deceased, good. Showing the mother of the deceased porn pics on your cellular communication device, not so good. Bringing the family together in memory of a loved, good. Bringing the family together so they can kick your sorry ass, not so good. Thanks, Comrade Bagel!

4. You don’t fuck with Monica Wilson, do you Syzlak?

5. Rebecca Kelley has been spying on me. Can’t the Hack watch a little hotel porn in peace?!?!?! And yes, I am totally aware that she dropped this link last week and like the little Rebecca Kelley Fanboy that I am, I ran with it. I ran with it like a motherfucker. I ran with it like Monica Wilson’s 15-year-old boy did with her car last weekend. And you know what? I don’t care. That’s what being a fanboy is about. Totally throwing every little bit of pride out the window for a little speck of attention.

6.  We don’t agree on how to spell thing nor on what to name things, but one thing Brits and ‘Mericans (read it again if you think I typed Mexicans!) is that we all have a juvenile sense of humor.  Anyone up for Penetrating Wagner’s Ring?  Heheheh, heheh, it says penetrate.  Tip of the hat to our Man in Manchester. Oh, and read the comments on that, willya?  Just do it.

7.  Everything you need to learn about marketing, public relations, advertising and branding can be summed up by El Tigre.  Why study marketing or advertising in the university when you can just go the internet and learn junk?  Sure, it’s not as easy learning from the TV, but still, it’d save you whole pile of money.  Though, I don’t know if El Tigre hands out diplomas.

So there you have it.  Now, if any of you thought this week sucked, I’m not responsible for much of the above.  Well, some, but not all.  And if you’re all pissed off because I didn’t say anything about the search industry, let’s face it, the search industry was fucking boring this week.  Well, not boring boring, but you know what I’m getting at.  Anyways, time to go drink something!

Query Of The Day - “SEO Hack Sucks”

I’m not sure if I should be alarmed or happy. Apparently someone thinks yours truly sucks. What the hell? Is that you again, dad? If so, it isn’t my fault I turned out this way, alright? So just get the fuck off my back!

But you know what rocks? The Worst SEO Blog Ever! ranks numero uno for that search! In your faces! Yesssss! Though it isn’t much of a surprise, and I’d be the first to tell you I suck (figuratively speaking), it is nice to know that at least I can rank number one for something. And it was also nice to know that there were no blogs or sites dedicated to hating my guts. I mean, for someone to hate someone like me, that person has waaaaaay too much time on their hands. Seriously. I can’t believe someone even wasted their time to look up to see who else hates me. And furthermore, if they think SEO Hack sucks, why bother clicking on my blog? Obviously, this person is an asshole. Again, I’m looking at you, old man . . . .

Anyways, while I’d be concerned that maybe there’s an anti-SEO Hack element in the industry, I can’t be bothered to worry about it. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, namely getting my hands on a box of Trix. And opening my very own Waffle House.

Open Letter to the Jason Gambert Fanboys & the SEO Standards Crowd

Dear People Who Want Other People to Tell Them How to Run Your Business,

You all know how I feel about SEO standards, and lord knows I know how all you all feel. But here’s the deal - you people are dragging me down.

Especially you Jason Gambert fanboys.

Most of the SEO Standards crowd are, for the most part, polite. Sure, some of the conversation has gotten heated, but hey, passionate debate does that and it’s been heated on both sides. But all you all need to police the Gambert fanboys. It’s kind of like keeping your own in check. They’re coming in here and making clowns of themselves and making you people look a little silly. And I think it’s all one dude. But whatever. Just don’t let the vocal minority become your mouthpiece is what I’m getting at.

Next, all you all are gonna’ screw this collection of SEO industry junk up! People are going to start coming here expecting to learn something! I don’t need that kind of shit! That’s way too much pressure! I gave you people my own set of SEO Standards - either follow them or don’t. And I’m guessing you all are in the “don’t” column as I have yet to see any friggin’ silver! And hey, I’m not even strong arming you like Gambert is!

Now I’m going to be serious for a moment. I hear a lot of people demanding friggin’ SEO standards to legitimize the industy, to make us appear to be more than service providers. I read people worrying about others getting scammed and fretting over making “legitimate” search marketers look different than their “black hat” brethren and sisterthen (I know, I know, it isn’t a friggin’ word. Deal with it.). The fact of the matter is that as long as people refuse to do the due diligence research before entering into a partnership with a company, people are going to get scammed. SEO standards will not help these people. Furthermore, just because there are guidelines and badges saying a company is approved, that doesn’t mean that company will not scam anyone; it does not mean that the client won’t feel scammed; it doesn’t mean that the approved company has any ethics. It simply means they paid their money, perhaps signed something and maybe took a test. And if you want SEO standards just so you look better, then you need to hire public relations. There’s a lot more to being a “professional” than simply having standards and guidelines. In the end, SEO standards may just be giving those that are causing all the hand-wringing a way to to look legitimate while screwing over a client.

The bottom line is you can only trust yourself to do what’s right. Spell out what you feel is appropriate and live by it.

Sincerely,

SEO Hack