Archive for August, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

August 29, 2008

Anyways, so what a week, eh? Turns out that brawl Lisa Barone tweeted about was from some crazy motherfucker named the SEO Champion (was it a full moon last week?). Just when I thought the Industry was running out of crazies, another one pops out of the wood pile like a mole on speed (yes, I’m aware that makes no sense). Then, and this isn’t confirmed, and I don’t know that I want to know the truth, who stops by this shit hole (I can’t decide if that’s two words or one) den of awesomeness? Someone going by Boser (I know!!!!!!! Boser!!!). And just when Thursday rolls around and I think I’m gonna’ get some SEO shit done, I blow the whole day reading my new heroine (sorry, bossman. I’m not being paid at the “give a shit” level yet). In the meantime, The Worst SEO Blog Ever! is still getting a, er, buttload of traffic (well, it’s a lot for me!) from poop porn related keywords. And hell, I even gave out some great link building advice! Go me!

Plus, I kind of learned some shit this week. And here it is.

1. There is no god or justice. But I can still hope he’ll be traded between the Aryan Brotherhood, the Crips and Latin Kings like an old gym sock found under a fourteen year old boy’s bed (that’s why I started doing my own laundry) for packs of cigarettes.

2.   Shaun Hogan is not Nick Hogan.  And, therefore, cookie-stuffing isn’t jail house slang for anal rape (though I’m pretty sure eBay is gonna’ try and bend ‘em over).  And I need to watch less of the VH1 and the E!, or at least start paying better attention.

3. I need to go to yard sales more often.

4. Nothing gets your white supremacist girlfriends moister (more moist didn’t sound right) than talking about assassinating Barack Obama. And thanks to these assholes, anyone driving around with rifles and meth is going to look like a fucking racist.

5. If you rob a store, don’t text the details to your buddies. And for godsakes, don’t hide out in the place you’re robbing. Seriously – are kids getting that stupid? When I was at an age where robbery seemed appropriate and even moderately admirable, we didn’t have any friggin’ cell-phones. Oh hell no. We had smoke signals. Sure, they were a bitch to deal with at night, but they taught you ingenuity and self reliance. And hey, burning shit is fun!

6. Nothing sez “counter culture” like corporate sponsors. Or $295 tickets.

7. I wish bulls knew how to use handguns.

Alright, all you all. Have a good weekend and junk. And remember, you can get drunk on Saturday and Sunday nights this weekend.  Salud!

Link Building the Realtor.com Way

August 27, 2008

We all know building backlinks sucks. Yeah, there’s a few masochists out there who get off on putting themselves through that punishment, and to them, god bless you people. You people are crazier than batshit but the rest of us are damn glad you all claim to enjoy this crap.

What if I told you there was a better link building strategy than the one you’re using? “Bullshit,” you’d say. “SEO Hack, you’re not only a liar, but with a lie like that you’re a total asshole. May you get bombastic diarrhea for telling such a horrible lie, and about link building to boot. You, sir, are a complete dick.” Hey! No need to get personal! I’m just trying to help you out here! Damn, all you all are pretty fucking mean these days! Especially when I’m about to give you some actual free SEO advice! I mean, damn, people! Cut the Hack some slack! (Holy shit, I used a lot of exclamation points in that last paragraph. I mean a lot a lot. I’m sure there’s an English teacher turning over in her grave somewhere or something. Anyways, back to the link building advice.)

Anyways, this is a fool-proof link building strategy that anyone (well, almost anyone) who has a love of bullying and a yen for screwing other people over can put together. “What makes it so great, you lying sack of crap” you ask? You don’t have to do any of the tedious work! That’s right, with this strategy, you get backlinks without having to contact other webmasters, bother with registering in directories or shelling out any dough for those links. Too good to be true?

Okay, I might have lied exaggerated a little. There is a little bit of hard work you have to do in the beginning. Mostly, you have to go through the hassle of trademarking a word that people use. You know a realtor? Exactly. Since the housing bubble burst, every other homeless person you avoid eye contact with was a former realtor. The goal is to take a name, something general like realtor, and register it. You might have to hire an attorney for this, or you can be a crazy fucker like Jason Gambert and go it on your own. Just remember, you get what you pay for.

Registered your mark? Good. ‘Cuz now the fun begins! Now, like Realtor.com, you need to find the asshole that’s “squatting” on your domain and give them the boot. This where having a taste for bullying comes in handy, as you have to be a real asshole to steal a domain. While your at it, set up a trade association around this mark, and make people pay you to use the mark in their name.

The next part requires a bit of patience. You’ve got your web site, and you’re working the interweb like a motherfucker. But, in order for this backlink acquisition strategy to work, you need to work at getting people to join your association. Yeah, you might have to get all mafia and junk and throw a few bricks through a few windows or something. But the pay off is coming. The more people you strong arm into joining your association, the more backlinks you’re gonna’ get.

So, by now, a few years have probably gone by (I said it was easy, not quick). If you’ve done the last step well, you should have a lot of people paying you for use of the mark, and you should have been encouraging to take their business online. Hell, you might even throw a seminar in there where you give them some free SEO advice. This is where your patience is going to pay off. The goal is to get these people to build web sites, and then to work their asses off to get them to rank for important regional keywords. I cannot stress how important it is to get as many people to pay you for the mark and to encourage them to build these sites.

By now, you should know where I’m headed. “Get them to pay you for use of the mark and then get a link from them back to your site, right?” Sure, that’d work. But you want a ton of incoming links, right? Then fuck that! You need to kick this shit right up to the next level. You need to check your scruples at the door and you might have to sell your soul. Yes, this is where your yen for screwing other people comes into play. See, if you’ve played the game like the National Association of Realtors and Realtor.com, you’ve built up a network of thousands of sites. And, hopefully many of those sites have featured your mark in the URL. Sure, they paid you to use the mark on their site and to call themselves that. But they haven’t paid you to use that word, your mark, in the domain, which more less means they’re representing themselves as you (see what I mean about selling your soul and dumping your morals?). And those bastards – they didn’t even ask you for permission to use your mark in their domain name!  I cannot stress enough how you need to convince yourself of that story.

So, you send them a cease and desist letter which states that they must permanently redirect their infringing domain name to your domain or to face the consequences. Most of these people are going to assume you have a ton of lawyers in your pocket, and more than likely (if you’ve done your job well) are small mom and pop operations that can’t afford an attorney for any length of time anyways. You might need to do some more bullying as well. If there’s any resistance, you might have to take the case to court. But, as long as everyone just rolls over, you reap the profits of their hard work – and their link building.

As I said, this link building strategy may not work for everybody. There’s all sorts of things that could go wrong. But, if you really think this out, you can watch the backlinks roll in the way the National Association of Realtors does.

Worst Blog Of All Time? Still No.

August 26, 2008

That’s right. Thanks to the loyal handful of you all that have taken the time to give up a crazy amount of details to register and vote for me, I’m now up to the second page with 12 votes. And to those of you who gave up the intimate details of your first time, er, getting intimate and signed on the line where you give up your first born, thank you.

Who else would I like to thank?

Well, there’s long time loyalist JDog, who was one of the first to bring to my attention that some crazy assholes were going to possibly (extremely remotely possibly, but still possibly none the less) blow up the world in the name of learning shit. Or maybe it was implode it. Who fucking knows. It was just a bunch of science type people that were possibly gonna’ fuck shit up. Anyways, thank you for your support, JDog.

Then there are these people, whom I’m not incredibly familiar with, but totally think are some of the most awesomest people out there. You all show great intelligence, integrity and courage, and I think it’s worth recognizing. People like Kristy_Ann (I think I know of you!), Owlette (you, not so much, but would like to), Iludiumphosdex (say that one drunk) and Dub54929 (er, that’s not a rapper name, is it?) are making this dream a reality. And, if you recognize your name, tell me who you are and I might (might is the word) get off my lazy ass and drop a link to your den of awesomeness.

Anyways, comrades, the battle will be long and hard. I have no illusions about what I’m up against. I’m starting to examine the competition, and am considering sharing those thoughts with you all. Until then, stay hard. Er, that was bad. But all you all know what I mean. And please, vote for me for worst blog of all time. Thank you and good night. And stay hard. But not in that way.

UPDATE: Owlette answered, and now, I urge you to go to check out her menopausal fitness journal.  You really should, regardless of whether or not you got ovaries and junk.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

August 22, 2008

Alright, another busy week but I actually posted more than once and I got the seven put together!  Go me!  To celebrate I’m gonna’ have a gin and tonic lunch.  Fuck productivity.  That’s what you get for not sending me to a conference.

Anyways, what a week, eh?  I mean, the Georgians and Russians are dragging us all to WW3 and all we get is Olympic coverage and a bunch of other shit that won’t matter when it’s all said and done.  Thanks, MSN and MSNBC.  Keep up the stellar work.  Oh well, I guess I’ll spend this weekend working on the bunker and acquiring generators and firepower.  You all have a good one too.

1. Getaway car drivers are great idea.

2. Perhaps I should have been paying more attention to the Olympics. Or at least to the Eastern European teams.

3. StumbleUpon is reunited families torn apart by, er, well, I don’t know what the hell they were torn apart by. But it must have been pretty traumatic because on of those fellers looks pretty pissed.

4.  You could read Lisa Barone’s live blogging stuff from the conferences, but for real conference feel read her tweets.  For realsies.  Let’s be honest, the industry is a lot like high school (sometimes junior high) and these conferences are like formals and dances.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we go for the educational aspects, but truly, the real reason to go is so we can see some of the drama we only read about on the interweb.  And her tweets from SES SJ 08 give us just that.  Through her Twitter thingy we got read about fights, hijacked sessions and all kinds of crazy crap that makes a conference worth going to.

5. They didn’t find big foot in Georgia.  I knew it was too good to be true, but a little piece of me still died inside.

6.  SEO Champion can’t write and is fucking crazy.  Interweb marketing rule number one:  you have to know how to write or else how the hell is anyone gonna’ understand any thing you say or rant about?  Seriously – it took me ten tries to decipher some rant that was posted about a session at the conference and my only real conclusion is that this guy or any one on his crew cannot put together a fucking coherent sentence to save their asses.

7.  Bill D. is one of the coolest motherfuckers ever.

Happy Birthday, SEM Rockstar

August 20, 2008

Alright, all you all, though some asshole at the Slate thinks getting rid of August is hot shit, I disagree. First off, “Friendship Day” the first Sunday of every August (I know, who gives a shit?). Then there’s the hallowed Dia de Santa Rebecca, our patron saintess of all things awesome about this industry. And then there’s the celebrated day of birth of our own gritty SEM rockstar, Mr. Syzlak.

What? You didn’t know Mr. Syzlak was an SEM Rockstar? Hell yeah, motherfuckers! And not one of those fakey “rockstars” either that are just “popular” and shit. He actually knows how to play the geeeeetarr or something. Not only that, he drinks gasoline, smokes dynamite and vomits asphalt. Yes, Syzlak is that fucking hardkore. Not no wussy-ass hardcore with a “c”, hardKore with a capital “K”. HardKore.

So anyways, as if we needed another excuse to get drunk tonight (well, those of us not at a conference), here’s to you, Comrade Syzlak. May PDX smell like puke in your honor tonight!

Guess Where I’m Not? SES San Jose ’08

August 18, 2008

Another conference, and another week of getting to listen to all the lucky bastards who are there talk about how fucking awesome it is.  At first, I was thinking I was glad I didn’t get to go.  Who needs to meet people and learn stuff and have a good time, right?  But then, I read a tweet from Ms. Barone that went something along the lines of, “a FIGHT is breaking out in the conference room between the speaker and an attendee. OUCH“.

Two things:

1.  Following Lisa Barone on the Twitter finally paid off.

2.  I’m fucking pissed that I missed another fight!  I’m always late to the good fights!  It doesn’t matter if it’s two bums fighting over the last swallow of Mad Dog or two old women fighting over the last ashtray at the Bingo Hall, if there’s a fight, I miss it.  Doesn’t matter if I’m there or not.  If you want to stay away from violence, then I recommend you find yourself a seat next to me.

So, instead of whining about not getting live blog the talks and learn a bunch of crap and get drunk off my ass for free do some networking, I’m going to pull a page from the Streko’s book and try to make my SEO fantasy an SEO reality (for some reason I always imagined my SEO fantasy to be much more interesting and involve gratuitous nudity).

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

August 15, 2008

I’m going to level with you – it’s been a crazy friggin’ week and I didn’t have the time to learn a damn thing.  And it doesn’t look like shit’s going to slow down, so I’m going to apologize for my lame-ass lack of posting right now.  I’m sorry.  I really am.  I’m gonna’ try, but I’m not going to make any promises.  I’ve even been too friggin’ busy to get on the Twitter very often.  And hell, how much effort does that take?

It’s also been a crazy week in general.  I mean, turn on the TV on Monday and what do I see?  Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes are dead.  Then one of the stone arches in Utah collapses.  And some guys in Northern Georgie find a big foot and stuff it in a fridge.  And then it turns out it might be for real!!!  Plus, you have some sheriff’s deputies in Texas catching a chupacabra on the dash-mounted camera in their patrol car.  Actually, that one disappoints me.  I mean, I expected something other than a fucking hairless, mutant coyote.  If they’re gonna’ call it monster, it needs to be a fucking monster!  Ugly, fucked up coyote?  Not a monster.  Hunched over, humanoid vampire that hops around sucking on goats?  Monster.  Then you throw in the election, the crazy shit going down in that other Georgia plus the Olympics (which I hear is still going on there’s something about some guy doing a bunch of stuff) . . . it’s a crazy-ass week.

So, there’s my half-assed excuses.  Tune in next week to see if get a damn thing done or not.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

August 8, 2008

Damn, am I glad this week is over.  I’m still friggin’ hungover from Rebecca Kelley Day and my guts feel like a cement mixer.  Ugh, cement mixer.  Why the hell did I think those were a good idea?  It’s bad enough that shit chunks up in your mouth, but then, when you’ve been eating bleu cheese and kosher dills all day, oh fuck, that’s something you don’t want to have to clean up yourself.

Needless to say, between being drunk, hungover, drunk, really hungover and then just hungover, I didn’t learn a damn thing this week.  Well, not as much as usual.  But here is what I did learn on the interweb.

1. Cops found marijuana on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus. In other obvious news, the sky is blue, grass is green and water is wet.

2. I need to learn Dutch. And yes, that means the Hack is international, bitches!  I’m big in Japan, too.

3.  You need to watch where you sit in Hong Kong.

4.  A story about a woman getting a dog cloned and perhaps having kidnapped and sexually assaulted (I think the word is “raped”, but MSNBC won’t use it) some Mormon guy in the 70′s needs the phrase “doggy style” worked into it.  I mean, c’mon!  It practically writes itself!  You people managed to work “missionary position” (heheheheh) into it.  I’m just sayin’ . . . .

5.  I’m already sick of the Olympics.  And pretty much anything on the TV that has to do with China.  I guess I didn’t need the interweb to tell me that, but it reminded me how sick I am of it.  C’mon September.

6.  Clay Aiken has the potential to grow facial hair.  I know, I know, everyone is talking about him having a baby, er, rather, giving some lady he knows some seed to grow a kid or something and that gal having a baby.  But it never occured to me that perhaps he might just have enough testosterone to grow facial hair.  I mean, sure, he can make baby goo.  Does that necessarily mean he can grow an awesome fu-manchu?  Futhermore, how weirdo would he look with a beard or a mustache or a goatee or something?

7.  Nothing sez, “I’m not pissing in the handle of my golf club, honest!” like putting a towel around your waste while you piss in the handle of your golf club.

Alright, I suppose it’s time to do something that actually makes the Man some money.  All you all have a good weekend and shit.  You know where to find me.

Happy Birthday, Rebecca Kelley!

August 6, 2008

As you all know, today is a day like no other in Rebecca Kelley Fanboydom. That’s right – today is the anniversary of when Ms. Kelley’s mother paid the price for getting too drunk nine months and twenty five years ago and brought forth to this Kingdom our matron idol – Rebecca “Don’t Call Me Mamacita” Kelley.

Believe it or not, there is right and wrong way to celebrate this most holy of high holy holidays of RBFB-dom. And knowing that there is probably a legion of millions out there sacrificing goats on the altar to her, I think it’s time to lay a few ground rules on proper celebration.

DO: Get drunk and pick a fight with homeless people.

DON’T: Get drunk and make out with homeless people. You know where those people get their dinner from? Exactly.

DO: Get drunk and light a dumpster on fire.

DON’T: Get drunk and light your boss’ car on fire. You still have to work for a living and make money to put in the plate for the giant, golden statue we’re having built in Her honor.

DO: Get drunk and blast Kid Rock, ICP and Eminem as loudly as possible to tell the neighbors of this joyus day.

DON’T: Get drunk and blast John Tesh. Don’t even do this sober. Actually, just don’t. And if you happen to have a John Tesh album, it is your civic duty to break that CD into shards and gouge out your ear drums.

DO: Get drunk and laugh at children when they fall down.

DON’T: Get drunk and laugh at people who are bigger than you when they fall down.  That’s just stupid.  Unless you can out run them.

DO: Get drunk and send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.

DON’T: Get drunk and not send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.

DO: Get drunk and “thumb up” all Ms. Kelley’s posts on YouMoz and the SEOmoz blog.

DON’T: Get drunk and submit a post to YouMoz where you call half the industry names and things that’d hurt their little feelings.  Some people get really pissed about that kind of stuff.

DO: Get drunk and send Rebecca bottles of the finest vodka you can find.

DON’T: Get drunk and send Rebecca Zima.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  This ain’t 1993, asshole.

So, that’s all we have for now.  I realize it ain’t much, but you ever try putting shit together when you’re drunk?  What the hell you looking at?  You want some of this, turkey?  That’s what I thought.  And maybe next year we’ll lay out the protocols for a proper Rebecca Kelley Day celebration.

Anyways, Happy Birthday, Rebecca, and may all your champagne wishes and caviar dreams come true.  At least the very least I hope your Champagne of Beer wishes and Power Bait dreams come true.  Oh hell, happy birthday.  You know what I mean.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

August 1, 2008

Man, what a week. And I’m gonna’ warn, you this week’s post sucks. It sucks a lot. But it’s just that kind of deal. I mean, sure, a “Google-killer” was launched, but what the hell? Their results sucked and their index was fucking ancient. But hey, they got pictures!

So, let’s get this over with. And then we can all get back to saying how women are no good at SEO and other such bullshit and nonsense.

1. You reap what you sow.

2. Julia Allison needs to shitcan her publicist ‘cuz I still don’t even know who the fuck she is. What do I know about her? Wired seems to have a boner for her.

3. I’m even more legit, bitches! That right, suckers. I’ve gotten some love from the Mad Hat (my good role model!) and the SEO Chicks. Now, add to it a quote from Cre8PC! Okay, so I come off as the sexually frustrated, horny SEO, but what the hell. You all know what this means, right? My readership is actually more like eight people! And that I’m awesome. Really fucking awesome. Do I hear a request for the Hack to do a keynote?

4. My boyhood crush on Valerie Keaton is officially over.

5. If people were speculating your wife was getting “batting lessons” from A-Rod, you’d be a little crazy too.

6. El Tigre has given me a reason to quit burning tires.

7. Take a greasy-looking chica, have her lick everything in a hotel room and you have the makings of the perfect viral video. Or not. I get it. It’s “edgy”. You take the obligatory “hot girl”, and you have her lick everything in the room to show how clean they are. One problem. It just shows you have sketchy looking people that lick every fucking surface in your hotels!!! And yes, having her flash a note showing the URL makes it look all “underground” and not “produced”, assuming we ignore the camera work. But you know what? It’s still fucking disgusting! I don’t want to sit on the toilet knowing someone has licked the goddammed thing! Furthermore, for her sake, I hope this doesn’t get too much attention or she’s gonna’ be as sought after as the herpes guy! I mean, her dating life is shot! Or not. I’d always be worried about cholera if I made out with her, but I’m semi-germaphobic. Maybe some people get off on that shit (no pun intended). Every time I travel somewhere, it wreaks havoc on my innards. The thought of some random licking a toilet that I destroyed just makes me want to puke a little. I don’t know if it makes anyone want to stay there, but I do know that if you want a viral campaign to stay active, unless it’s 2 girls 1 cup, having it flagged as adult is gonna’ kill its, er, mojo.

There it is. Remember, send your hate mail to seohack {at} gmail.com. Have a great weekend!


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