Archive for the ‘schadenfreude’ Category

Today Is The Day . . . .

December 3, 2009

No, not that day.  You know, the one where you decide to get your shit together and become a decent person?  Oh hell no.  Today is not that day.

Today is the day the officially marks the phone call I received from Company X where they said, “Hey, the economy is in the shitter, so we getting rid of your sorry ass.  Have a Merry Christmas.”  I wonder if they canned me then and not after the holiday so they wouldn’t have to buy me a present.

But it gets better than that.

When I was signing my “shitcanned papers”, part of them said that I couldn’t talk shit about them until after a year had gone by.  So, patiently, I’ve waited.  I’ve watched their missteps and hamhanded handling of certain situations and, instead of gloating, kept my mouth shut.  It was part of the agreement, and though I may be an asshole, I’m an honorable asshole.  And besides, they did a pretty good job of mucking it up.

So, how am I going to celebrate this momentous occasion?

The same way I did when I got laid off.  By getting drunk.

Have a good day, all you all.

Rupert Murdoch, You Fucking Dinosaur

November 9, 2009

So, after a half a week and a weekend of no interweb, no the Twitter and nothing else giving me any news, I got onto the Twitter to see Mr. Pilatowski twatting some re-tweet about Rupert Murdoch having all his internets de-indexed by Google.

Say what?!?!?!?!

While most webmasters are bending over backwards licking Matt Cutts in the bad spot and sacrificing goats at the altar of Google to get some traffic, Mr. Murdoch is taking the bold new path of not having his sites indexed and perhaps rank for relevant news stories in Google. As part of his new paid access to News Corp. content, he’s cutting access to Google and other aggregators because they’ve been getting some sort of a free ride on the ol’ Rupert Murdoch express.  So, while the search engines and aggregators have been pimping his friggin’ sites for him for free, he’s decided to call bullshit on them and go to a paid model?  Seriously, that’s a good strategy?

Rupert, it’s time to join the year 2009.  Yes, Google, Bing, Yahoo! and all the search engines, as well as all the news aggregators, have been getting free shit from you.  In return, you get a whole bunch of friggin’ links that build value to your online properties.  As a result, your sites rank for stuff.   All because your websites are considered a fucking resource!!! What’s so hard about that to understand?!?!?!

There are plenty of people your age using the internet and I’m pretty fucking sure they’d understand what the hell I’m saying.  But instead, you’re going to take your ball and go home like a little bitch.  Meanwhile, you might get some people who sign up for the shit on your site, though, they’d likely get it somewhere else for fucking free. And I’m sure your advertisers are going to love the drop in traffic and ROAS they were receiving from the free traffic that went to your site leaches.  In the end, you’re putting pride ahead of profits.  And in the end, I hope it’s worth it.  Maybe you and fucking Mark Cuban can have a pity party when the fucking traffic dries up and News Corp and whatever the hell Cuban runs end up in the dust bin of internet history.

I got to be honest though.  This is so fucking exciting and I CANNOT wait to watch this train wreck!  Off to find corn for popping!  This is gonna’ be hilarious!

Perez Hilton Got Andy Dick’d

June 24, 2009

So, here’s the thing. We all know people on the interweb are assholes. It’s just the way it is. Fuck it or fight it, at the end of the day, this little barrier of silica and wire and a bunch of other shit I really don’t understand makes it so the assholes will remain, well, assholish. It’s the way it is. That’s why a monkey will fling shit at you when you go to the zoo. Monkeys are naturally assholes, and putting them in a cage makes them act like bigger assholes. Put a barrier in the mix, and well, you got shit all over your new shirt and junior is going to have seek counseling. It’s sixth grade science, really.  But this isn’t about monkeys flinging shit, er, well, I guess it kind of is. Anyways, this is about what happens when you fling shit and that magical barrier is gone.

Now, I admit, while I’m jealous of Perez Hilton’s anhiliating anhialating annhialating kicking the holy shit out of me for the worst blog of all time, but that has nothing to do with this.  Hell, I didn’t even know who the fuck is or was until Syzlak explained it to me, and even then I was still friggin’ lost.  Apparently, he got the president elected or something with either MySpace or the YouTube, though if it were the Hulu that’d totally make sense since I’m boycotting them because I hate their fucking ads so much.  I mean, c’mon – some kid in ad school win a contest or something?  Those ads actually make me violent.  Violent enough that if Perez Hilton had been talking shit about Syzlak or Ms. Rebecca Kelley or Comrade Melanie, I would have Lovitzed his ass too.

Which is the point of this.  Did he deserve to get his punk ass whooped?  That’s up for debate.  I mean, he did start acting like a dick to, in real life, and somebody jumped in.  But, kicking the shit out of people is against the law, regardless of how much of a prick they’re being to you.  The real lesson here is if you’re gonna’ act like an asshole on the internet, someday somebody may want to kick the shit out of you.  And when you go out into the real world and act like an asshole, no one gives a shit that Miley Cyrus is your amiga (really?  That’s not the punchline to a joke?  Hey – lookit that! A pun!) and you will likely get the shit beat out of you.  And it will take an hour for the police to arrive.  And people will snigger at the picture of you crying.  Or at least I probably will.

Ed Magedson Fucks Goats?

October 22, 2008

So, the weirdest thing is going on. After highlighting and then giving Ed “I’m Not An Extortionist, I’m An Asshole” Magedson a nod in the seven, I got an email about the the man himself. Now, being a bit of a consumer advocate myself, I decided I needed to do the right thing and share this note with the public. The author asked to be anonymous, and, like Ed Magedson, I’m taking the writer at his word and am not following up to see if it’s true or not. Apparently Mr. Magedson must have pissed this person off. As it turns out, I’m also now in the reputation management business, so Mr. Magedson, if this offends you, let me know and I can “help” (wink wink, nudge nudge) you “fix” (wink wink, nudge nudge) your reputation on this matter.

Anyways, to the letter!

Dear SEO Hack,

Thank you for shining the light on this Ed Magedson character again. He is out of control and needs to be stop, for the reasons mentioned in your brilliantly written post, but also for another – he won’t quit fucking my goats.

The other night I heard a ruckus in my goat pens. Being in Arizona, and fearing it was the chubacabra, I grabbed my rifle and ran out the door. Sure enough, there was a chubacabra at work, but instead of sucking my goats, he was fucking them! I shined my flashlight, and this crazy, long-haired fellow stood up and hissed and ran off into the night. Figuring it was just a lonely frat boy from Arizona State, I went back inside and went to bed.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. That son of a bitch was back the next night! And the night after that! Then he had the gall to knock on my door and ask for a propholactic! I kindly asked him if he’d quit fucking my goats, but he said, “Do you know who I am? I’m Ed Magedson! I’ll fuck whoever I want! Now give me some rubbers, damn it!” As you can see, I was shocked and a bit pissed off. Not only has he fucked my goats, but because he’s been there so many times, they won’t come in to heat. As a result, I have no replacement goats or a way to grow my herd, but that damn Ed Magedson would probably just fuck them too.

I’m just a humble goat herder trying to scratch out my existence in Arizona. I have enough problems with the coyotes and “goat suckers”, and now this goat fucker is going to bankrupt me. Please let the world know about the TRUE Ed Magedson.

Thank you, you dear, sweet man,

– Anon

Well, I’ll let you make up your own mind. Does Ed Magedson really fuck goats? Like Ed, I can’t vouch for the truthfulness of that email, but obviously he has upset someone and needs to make it right. This may or may not be true, but, like Ed Magedson, I’m not in the fact checking business.

How Much?

May 1, 2008

Man, what a day. Not very often does one get called a liar, let alone likened to a rapist, murderer, thief or spammer (would be interesting to see which of the five you find to be the worst insult!) in one day. But every once in a while something crazy like that happens, and it causes you to reflect on what you’ve been doing. Am I really that bad of a guy? I mean, I only desphinned a post and now, now I’m on par with a rapist? Well, I won’t get into what kind of person makes those kind of statements. But it did bum me out a little and made me realize that perhaps there are just some communities left best to ignore.

I was feeling pretty blue about the whole thing. Then Streko, who must’ve known I was feeling a bit glum (and is also a liar on par with rapists, murderers, thieves and spammers), sent me a link that lifted my spirits a bit. And then it made me scratch my head and think, what the fuck? Not even WTF – a full-on spelled out What the Fuck? I went to the blog value site he pointed out and, believe it or not, this shit hole is worth $63,793.02. Holy shit! That’s a whole lot of money! I mean, Syzlak was worth $23,146.14 and Streko, well, they would give him $4,516.32 (that’s not a value judgement!). But still. That’s a whole lot of money! Imagine all the gin, tonic and ammunition one could purchase!

However happy it made me, I had to crash down to reality. While this applet was fun and I’ll probably add the widget code to the side bar (because it cracks me the fuck up! $60 fucking thousand!), the reality of the situation is that if it’s only valuing links, then it’s hard to determine the true value of a blog (and I’m not just talking about this one). I mean hell, there’s content, loyalty to the person writing the content, all the other stuff they’ve been involved in . . . or not involved in . . . .

So in reality, if you take into the account of the quality of this product (poor), the reliability of its proprietor (poor), the quality of its links (could be pretty good!) and the loyalty of its readers (the best ten people in the world!), then I have a feeling it’s overvalued. Though, dump the proprietor and this shit hole may actually be worth somewhere in that $60,000 neighborhood.

With that said, I am taking all offers. Cash preferred. Livestock considered.

Holy Shit! It’s Monday Already?

April 28, 2008

Oh my god.  I don’t even know where last week went.  The last thing I remember was Calacanis saying something along the lines of SEO being a waste of time and then it’s been a blur since then.  Him saying that was like my birthday and Christmas and Halloween being all rolled into one.  And then apparently I got blackout drunk, missed the opportunity to post about it and then missed out on several days.  I’m inclined to say those lost days were probably due to abduction, but let’s face it – I was probably sleeping them off in the ditch somewhere.

So, anyways, Calacanis is dead, and Calacanass is back!  Yes!!!  Merry Chrimbirthoween to me!

And yes, I realize this post is a total cop-out.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

March 21, 2008

1. Wanna’ go as Joe Francis for Easter? What? Not all holidays involving candy mean you have to get dressed up as someone? Whatever. At any rate, someone was kind enough to compile a list so you can look the part.

2. If a crazy bitch locks herself in the bathroom of your trailer, give her a day, maybe a week, or hell, even a month, to get the hell out before calling the cops. Whatever the hell you do, DO NOT wait two fucking years to do it! And make sure she’s taking a fucking bath! Crazy people don’t always bathe!

3. Every time I start sounding like some sort of paranoid conspiracy nut, Big Brother comes along to prove me right. But! Those bastards won’t be able to read my thoughts OR see me because I’m developing a tinfoil suit!!!

4 . Not everything you read on the Sphinn may be the gospel truth. Well, duh. It’s on the friggin’ interweb, ain’t it? We all know the TV is the medium of truth.

5. There’s a wrong way and right way to depict our first President. As a bobbing head rapper – wrong. As an ass-kicking mercenary – correct.

6. W.W. Green must have been one helluva’ a man. I wonder if he’s hiring?

7. Apparently, if you ever see some guy with no legs careening down a hill on skis the last thing you’re supposed to do is look. Because if you do, you’re an asshole. Because the world is chock full of people without legs doing crap like scaling cliffs and it’s just as normal to see as a vampire fighting a werewolf. Though, if I were this guy, and people were assuming stupid shit as to why I didn’t have legs, I totally tell them I was born that way just to make them feel like a complete asshole. And then I’d cry to make them feel worse. And keep crying until they bought me a drink. And if they bought me a well-drink, I’d cry and tell them they apparently didn’t think well enough of me to buy me a good drink because I have no legs.

Article or Ad? Another Reason I HATE MSN.

March 19, 2008

Originally, this was going to be an angry rant about how fucking MSN (which I hate) used my schandenfreude against me.  But now, all I am is tired and disappointed.

See, one of my favorite things in the world are horrible baby names.  Whether intentionally or accidentally cruel, these parents are raising the next crop of prank call recipients, outcasts, angry service station workers and axe murderers.  Plus, they’re fun!  Seeing some poor bastard named Asswipe (pronounced ahhzzweeepay) Johnson or Anita Biggins just makes a jerk like me feel better.

So, when I see an article on MSN’s homepage portal thingy about horrible baby names, I clicked it with glee.  I thought perhaps maybe, just maybe, I’ve been wrong about the MSN, Microsoft and their wanting to take over Yahoo!.  But, instead of an article, all I got was a one page, two paragraph ad for a fucking book.  Great.  A fucking book.  Thanks, assholes.

Now, this is where I’d usually go into some tirade about how I hate MSN, how they can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground or some other such anger.  But not this time.  I’m too tired to give a shit about how these people are their own worst enemy.  I don’t have the energy to comment on how a Microsoft take over of Yahoo! is only going to bolster Google’s market share.  Nor do I have the strength to suggest MSN take a page from Ask’s book but instead of doing something assinine  like focusing their search engine on pregnant married women, MSN tailoring their search engine to douchebags.

Nope.  Instead I’m just going to say, calmly, that you people suck.  Your hotmail sucks, your reach-around from MSNBC, NBC and Newsweek sucks and you people deserve the turd sandwich you’ve made for yourselves.  And you can tell I’m saying this calmly and cooly because I’m not using exclamation points.  Or all caps.


March 17, 2008

So, perhaps the Twitter is redeeming itself in my eyes. From Jason Calicanis’ Twitter feed, I read:

“Is there an SES event tonight?!? dotcom event?”

For some reason, that made me feel good. Real good. In a warm, fuzzy, cosmic justice kind of way.