Archive for the ‘Not SEO’ Category

Fruit Fly Traps. No, Seriously.

June 30, 2010

It’s be honest time.  Er, rather, as honest as a bastard like me can be.  I don’t have anything enlightening to say, though to be fair, if you’ve read more than one post you know that by now.  And frankly, if for some reason you stumbled upon this blog to help you with your search marketing plan, if you haven’t figured it out yet, you’re totally fucked.

So, why bother writing, and why bother writing now?

I have no fucking idea.  I’m out of gin, for starters, and am sick of beer (I don’t even know how the hell that happens, but it has.  Wonders never cease!), rather, sick of beer for now. Maybe it has to do with the combination of insomnia and lack of liquor (LOL, as I call it), but there was almost a compulsion to share something useful.

Before you start jumping my shit, I never said I didn’t have anything useful; I just don’t have anything enlightening.  Pay more attention.

Anyways, so I bought some organic fruit.  Again, why I was buying fruit and not gin, and organic fruit to boot, is way the hell beyond me.  I figured maybe I’ll listen to all those hippies or something and help Mother Earth or Gaia or whatever the hell they call this rock these days.  Lord knows it wasn’t for my health, so I won’t even pretend I was trying to be healthy or some unbelievable crap like that.  But as I was saying, I bought me some organic fruit and now my house is damn infested with fruit flies.  Seriously, it’s not a plague of Biblical proportions, but those little red-eyed motherfuckers are annoying.  That’s what you get for not buying shit sprayed with DDT like they do in Mexico.

Now, I don’t know the best way to get rid of those little fuckers, but I do know of a highly effective way of getting rid of them that actually involves drinking and theft.

First, you quit being a cheap ass and pony up a few bucks and buy a case of bottled beer.  Something fancy and classy, like Miller High Life or PBR bottles or something.  Sure, you could use canned beer, but trust me, you’ll want the bottles.

Next, you drink all of the beer.  All of it. Maybe only some of it.  Just drink beer is my point.

After getting good and beered-up, you sneak over to your neighbor’s house (well, sneak as much as you can after polishing off a half-rack of tall boys while watching Pawn Stars), and, assuming they’re fancy people, liberate a bottle of their oldest red wine.  If you’re neighbor isn’t fancy, like mine wasn’t, you may have to keep checking down the road until you find one.  I don’t know why, but the more expensive the wine, the more effective the fruit fly bait it is.

Now, drink a few more beers while carefully pouring a little bit of red wine into each of your beer bottles, thus turning them into fruit fly traps.  Place a trap wherever you see those little fuckers.  And be glad that you didn’t end up drinking all of the beer after all.

With the fruit fly traps set, you can now pass out.  If you haven’t passed out, but are out of beer, eat a few Advil and a glass of water.

In the light of midday, or whenever you roll your lazy ass out of bed, the reasons for using beer bottles, and not cans will become obvious.  First, if you’re searching for a little skunked beer to work as your hair of the dog, you’ll be able to judiciously choose which bottle you’ll want to drink from.  Next, and more importantly, a see-through bottle will allow you to delight in those little drunk bastards drowning in a wino’s nirvana.  You may think to yourself, “Oh, that’s so cruel!  They’re just little flies!”, but after living with the little fuckers for a week getting into shit that isn’t even fruit, you’ll be glad to see their little drowned asses in the bottom of that beer bottle.

Hmm.  The being sick of beer bit is making more sense.

Okay, Motherfuckers. Knock It Off.

May 14, 2010

So, I got a little holed up in the bunker (read: fucking Hughenet couldn’t fix my internet) and disappeared for a bit.  Alright, I also had other shit I was dealing with, so I ignored this awesome fucking blog (imagine that!) and didn’t check in for a while.  To my surprise, it’s still been getting visited – by fuckhead moron comment spammers!

Okay assholes, lemme’ give you a tip.  This blog?  Horrible source of traffic.  And the links you’re dumping in my comments are automatically nofollowed, so you’re getting no traction there.  Besides, even if for some magically delicious reason they are getting some attention, because they’re not relevant to whatever garbage your peddling and are so poorly done, they’d be automatically discounted anyways.  So, do yourself a favor, and quit wasting your time spamming my comments.  All you’re gonna’ do is piss off the clients that paid you for your “link building services” and get your ass a date with Wapner on the People’s Court.

Besides, I might actually either kill your shit-ass link or just delete your comment.  Or re-type it to make you look like the total douchebag fuckhead you are.

Now go play in traffic.

Dear UK, A Modest Proposal

March 11, 2010

And I’m not talking about eating Irish children.  At least not right now.  I have nothing against the Irish, and frankly, they look a bit tough and chewy.  Now, nice, suburban American kids that have been raised on sugar, starch and TV is gonna’ probably be more like veal.  Why the hell are we talking about eating children?

Anyways, tonight I was watching the BBC America on the TV and after sitting through a re-run of Top Gear (the one with the Tesla. If they’re gonna’ show re-runs all the time, why not the Vietnam episode more often?) followed by The In-Betweeners when it occured to me, all you all are more like us than those Euros.

No offense to mainland Europeans, but, c’mon Great Britain!  I mean, do you all really, I mean really feel like you have more in common with those people than us?  Sure, you like Europeans because they’re not Americans.  I get that.  But when you get down to it, we’re just the Onslow to your Hyacinth Bucket – you people are all fancy and junk while we’re, well, we’re not.  But like Hyacinth, you all don’t fit in with those fancy Euros either.  You may go to the fancy garden party, but in the end you leave with your dress soiled and pushing Onslow’s car.   And why?  In a really fucked up way, it’s because we’re family.  Plus, we only had a few decades of fighting with you, while the various incarnations of the United Kingdom has been fighting with various parts of mainland Europe for centuries.  I mean, hell, you all burned down our White House and we still wept for your Princess Diana.  Can you say the same about the French or the Lithuanians?

If you think about it, we’re the way we are because of you all.  Who were the pilgrims? Some crazy religious people you chased over here.  And then after a while you sent some criminals, soccer football hooligans, capitalists and other ne’er do wells and before long, BAM! we have the United States of America.  When you get down to it, what you don’t like about America is really a reflection of what you didn’t like about yourself and tried to ship off.  And I can’t imagine what that says about Australia.

So, how about it?  You give the European Union the finger, and come hang out with us and maybe we’ll start a club with Canada, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand?  For starters, we all talk the same, which will cut down on the need for translators.  And you can get back to doing what you do best – have fancy dinner parties with New Zealand  while we drink beer and watch horse racing with Ireland and Australia.  And I have no idea what Canada is doing over there in the corner.