Archive for June, 2009

Perez Hilton Got Andy Dick’d

June 24, 2009

So, here’s the thing. We all know people on the interweb are assholes. It’s just the way it is. Fuck it or fight it, at the end of the day, this little barrier of silica and wire and a bunch of other shit I really don’t understand makes it so the assholes will remain, well, assholish. It’s the way it is. That’s why a monkey will fling shit at you when you go to the zoo. Monkeys are naturally assholes, and putting them in a cage makes them act like bigger assholes. Put a barrier in the mix, and well, you got shit all over your new shirt and junior is going to have seek counseling. It’s sixth grade science, really.  But this isn’t about monkeys flinging shit, er, well, I guess it kind of is. Anyways, this is about what happens when you fling shit and that magical barrier is gone.

Now, I admit, while I’m jealous of Perez Hilton’s anhiliating anhialating annhialating kicking the holy shit out of me for the worst blog of all time, but that has nothing to do with this.  Hell, I didn’t even know who the fuck will.i.am is or was until Syzlak explained it to me, and even then I was still friggin’ lost.  Apparently, he got the president elected or something with either MySpace or the YouTube, though if it were the Hulu that’d totally make sense since I’m boycotting them because I hate their fucking ads so much.  I mean, c’mon – some kid in ad school win a contest or something?  Those ads actually make me violent.  Violent enough that if Perez Hilton had been talking shit about Syzlak or Ms. Rebecca Kelley or Comrade Melanie, I would have Lovitzed his ass too.

Which is the point of this.  Did he deserve to get his punk ass whooped?  That’s up for debate.  I mean, he did start acting like a dick to will.i.am, in real life, and somebody jumped in.  But, kicking the shit out of people is against the law, regardless of how much of a prick they’re being to you.  The real lesson here is if you’re gonna’ act like an asshole on the internet, someday somebody may want to kick the shit out of you.  And when you go out into the real world and act like an asshole, no one gives a shit that Miley Cyrus is your amiga (really?  That’s not the punchline to a joke?  Hey – lookit that! A pun!) and you will likely get the shit beat out of you.  And it will take an hour for the police to arrive.  And people will snigger at the picture of you crying.  Or at least I probably will.

I’m Even MORE Legit, Bitches!

June 7, 2009

– or –

I Was Relevant Once

HAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAA!  I don’t know why or how, nor do I really care, but on a list of 117 SEO blogs that are worth a shit, this was one of them!!!

Okay, so the post is from March of last year.  But what the hell.  Just like that creepy gym teacher that’s grooming potential minors to have sex with, I’m sayin’ age is nothing but a date, and I don’t care that the date of that post is from last year.  You have to take credit where credit it due, even if, you know, you kind of do it a year later when your unemployed ass has nothing to do but think about your next gin and tonic and watch the new season of Bridezillas (I wonder if divorce lawyers watch this shit to troll for future clients, but anyways, I was gloating).  A win is a fucking win, even if you didn’t realize you won over a year later.  You don’t see those Olympic fuckers sending back medals after it turns out some dirtbag pissed a dirty test, do you?  Exactly.  It’s just like that, sans urine. And medals.  Well, and glory and television coverage.  Other than that, pretty much the same thing.  Except nobody cares about this and for whatever reason they give a shit about the Olympics.

The other thing is, there are some really good fucking SEO blogs on that list!  By people that know shit, nonetheless.  And from a source like Promote My Site (I’m pretty sure they promoto websites or something), that’s gotta count for something too.  So, again, this is a big win.  Me = AWESOME.

Before I wrap this up and have a celebratory beer (should have a half rack if you consider the interest one beer would have had had I had it then.  Wow, that sentence can’t be grammatically correct), I’d like to say thank you to every one of you who have gone and voted for me for the worst blog of all time.   I know beating Perez Hilton is a personal wet dream of mine (I can’t believe I just used “Perez Hilton” and “wet dream” in the same sentence – I think I threw up in my mouth a little) for this honor and likely to only happen once he quits or gets a conscience, but being second is  pretty fucking cool.  Thank you for your support.  Seriously, it’s pretty damn awesome.  Thank you.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

June 5, 2009

What a week, huh?  GM files Chapter 11, California is down to its last dime (perfect time for someone to take over a government! Anyone game?) and it looks like David Carradine may have accidentally hung himself doing something he probably didn’t want all of us to know he was into.  Though, there is some good news.  Now that SMX Advanced is over, we can go back to looking at our Twitter feeds without seeing half a dozen twats about what we’re missing every five minutes.

So anyways, when I was putting this together, I was thinking, “Man, this may be the best one yet! Maybe this will be the ticket to regaining the respect of my colleagues.  Maybe I’ll get that coveted fifth reader!”  Then I finished it up and realized that it’s not only not as good as I had hoped, it’s pretty bad.  Like, I might be back to two readers.  I actually put effort into finding and noting stuff all week too and all it got me was this shitty post.  Oh well.  Either way, it was an educational week.

1.  It looks like Obama is going to fix the economny after all.

2.  The Excalibur needs to do a better job of keeping their employees busy.  The only thing sadder than robbing a store for smokes with a sword is using your mom’s Altima for a getaway car.

3.  Who needs Congress when you can leverage ICANN to fuck over the little guy?  Even if you stand to gain from some bullshit like that, you have to admit it’s bullshit.  This is why you should never trust groups of people.

4.  Can white women and black women get along?  Let’s find out with two bikini-clad contestants in a pit of Jell-O or mud!  No?  Panties and a pillow fight?  Ask a stupid-ass question, get a sexist answer.

5.  If California passed a stupid tax, they might actually get over their budget deficit.  What’s even more amazing, one of these stupid assholes actually not only graduated from law school but also passed the fucking Bar exam.  What the hell? Thanks for uncovering this dietary advice, Mr. Pilatowski!

6.  Few things make me laugh and smile as much as the thought of a cat shitting in a toilet.  I’d like to say that the video cracked me up, but thanks to my fucking awesome connectivity from Hughesnet I gave up after waiting ten fucking minutes for the fucking thing to fucking load.  Oh my god I need a fucking drink.  So tell me, did he sit there with a little magazine or newspaper like we do?  Just curious, because, you know, the whole Hughesnet thing and not being able to see that what I am to assume is a fucking awesome video of a cat shitting in a toilet.  Really, my dreams are simple dreams.

7.  A brothel in Nevada is actually creating jobs.   I know a lot of people are syaing this won’t pencil out because of the “needs of a woman”, but to all those naysayers, I disagree.  Men are willing to pay sex.   Imagine how little you’d have to pay them to work in a brothel.  Hell, give them a logo T-shirt and a free dinner at Sizzler and you’d still be turning away applicants.  This will work.

Alright, time to find some pants to wear to the Wal-Mart.  Apparently they’re getting all fancy and junk and are going to require such things now.  Fucking rich people ruin everything.

The Thing About Bing

June 4, 2009

Pretty clever title, eh?  It has a nice cadence and it rhymes!  Lookit’ that!  Really, that’s a pretty awesome title.  Okay, maybe not so much.  But anyways . . . .

So, Microsoft comes out with a new search engine and it seems at first everybody panned it and now some people are saying, “you know, this isn’t such a turd after all.”  But here’s the thing.  This could be the best search engine in the world.  It could be that “Google-slayer” that people have been yammering about for the last seven or eight years.  Yeah, it could be the best fucking thing in the world.   Doesn’t matter.  Much like Lenny petting a rabbit, Microsoft will totally fuck Bing up.  Hell, you could even say they already fucked it up with that dumb-ass name.  Really?  Bing?  That’s the best they could come up with.  What are they gonna’ name their mobile version – BinGo?  And that’s why this thing is friggin’ DOA.  It’s got a stupid ass name.  And yeah, I realize it’s all Beta-y and junk, but they really should have updated their fucking index for it before spinning this thing live.  Or, screw 301s and take up their SERP space.

Didn’t they just launch “Live” last year?  I’m just sayin’, rolling out a new search engine every other month looks like a desperate plea to show you’re relevant.  So, I guess if you don’t like Bing, just wait a year and the big brains at Microsoft will roll out another craptastic search engine and we’ll get to see the Ballmer-boogie again.