Archive for May, 2009

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

May 29, 2009

Alright, so this is really like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb  Last Week and This Week.  But fuck it.  I’ve been a busy bastard!  Okay, maybe busy is a little misleading.  But I’ve had shit to do.  And then there was a long weekend, and as we all know, three day weekends usually start on Thursday because Friday is usually a fuck-around day and then the following Tuesday, you’re still hungover so it’s not even really like that day counts either.  Of course, I’m talking about back when I had a job and stupid shit like showing up to work actually mattered.  And now I wonder why the hell no one will hire my broke-ass.  Anyways, so here’s the junk I learned, with all the usual warnings about being disappointed and junk.

1.  The only thing worse than her stealing a few lines from some blogger is Maureen Dowd’s abuse of makeup.  Yikes!  You could almost float a quarter in that shit!  How’d you like to wake up next to that?  Anways, there’s something to be said about growing old gracefully.  And yes, I realize this looks like a sexist double standard, but the other night I was watching CNBC or something and a guy, yes, an older DUDE, had the same damn problem.  Only, I can’t find a picture of that guy so I’m going to pick on the plagiarist.  What I find more interesting than her clown school face painting job is how quickly this went away.  Maureen, you steal my shit and I swear to god it won’t go away that quickly.  Just warning you.

2.  Some shit just doesn’t make sense.  Not even to Syzlak.

3.  Ms. Rebecca Kelley’s three year blogging anniversary was last week and I totally forgot to get her anything! What kind of creepy interweb stalker forgets an important anniversary like that?

4.  I’m not the only who thinks Ms. Piggy has it going on.  You know, if having sex with puppets wasn’t creepy and junk.

5.  Americans and Mexicans aren’t the only ones seeing Jesus in crazy shit.  Welcome to the club, United Kingdom!  Thanks, Mr. Davies, for bringing this to our attention.

6.  There are now three things in life that you can count on – death, taxes and Microsoft totally sucking at the interweb.  I don’t even know where to start.  But they should smother their marketing team.  Bing – really?  Really?  All that money and they came up with “Bing”?  Frankly, it’s quite amazing they haven’t totally made the X-box fucktarded . . . yet.  And they have such big brains up there!

7.  Carol Bartz is my kind of bossI may have a crush on her.

So there it is.

That Motherfucker Ain’t Me!!!

May 27, 2009

Alright, so it looks like it’s time to clear the air a little.

So, here’s how it went down.  MilwaukeeSEO (despite the fact I’ve drank a bit of Beast Ice, I still can’t spell fucking Milwaukee to save my ass) wrote a post on April 21st about how maybe we’re all getting dumber thanks to all this social media bullshit or something, and then on May 7th I, posing as “Your Neighbor”, made a pretty asshole comment back to Mr. MilwaukeeSEO.

Yeah, I’m an asshole and have left asshole comments before.  But that wasn’t me.  Not even fucking close.  I saw that @milwaukeeseo mentioned me on the Twitter in a  twat and ran to the post all excited and junk because I’d been mentioned.  Yes, my depressed, unemployed ass still feeds off any scrap of attention I can get from this thing like a junkie rat licking syringes in the methadone clinic’s dumpster.  The fucking interweb will do that to you.  But anyways, this isn’t about how pathetic I am, but more about how much of an asshole I wasn’t being on May 7th.  I digress.

Anyways, that motherfucker isn’t me.  And to make my point, here’s 7 Tell-Tale Signs That Fucking Bastard “Your Neighbor” Isn’t SEO Hack:

1. I totally would have used “SEO Hack” and not “Your Neighbor” in the hopes that the link would have been not nofollowed (look – I used a double negative!).  And yeah, now I know it’s nofollowed, but honestly, I would have been too friggin’ lazy to check that out when commenting.

2.  “Your a pathetic little dick . . . ” would have been “You’re a pathetic little dick . . .”.  Yeah, I’m lazy, but I know when to fucking use “you’re” and “your”.  We learned that shit in the third grade.

3.  The phrases “pathetic little dick”, “you’ll cower”, “spineless worm”, “you little shit” and “bitch” are totally words a dominatrix would use.  I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.

4.  The word “fucking” is only used once.  We all know I prefer to use the word “fuck” and it’s variations as an adjective as well as an adverb, a verb, a noun and part of a noun.

5.  I don’t know what time that comment was left, but chances are if it was in the evening I was watching “The Fashion Show”, which is fucking horrible.  I mean, c’mon Bravo!!! Weinstein fucks all you all over and the best you can do is find a bunch of fucking egomaniacs with horrible design sense and the personalities of shit sandwiches that can’t fucking sew?!?!?  Really?  That’s going to make me forget about Tim and Heidi?  That one fucker who made that horrible rain coat last season that got booted off right off the bat is better than those hacks!  Except for James Paul.  That poor bastard should have been on Project Runway.  I bet he’s ESL and thought he was on Project Runway until he saw Isaac and Ms. Rowland (and Kelly may be the only bright spot on this turd).  And don’t get me started on this bullshit maneuver that got Project Runway moved to Lifetime.  Hurray, it’s not all man-killer movies anymore.  But that still doesn’t mean Project Runway is a good fit (and I’m still pissed at them for swapping Will & Grace for the Golden Girls after Frasier).

6.  Someone who runs an amateur hour blog wouldn’t dare call another blog “amateur hour”.  Something about rocks and glass houses and junk.  Plus, since my life now revolved around tricking the unemployment office into giving me checks, who am I to tell someone to get a life?  I might be an asshole, but I know my place!

7.  The fucking post is 100% spot on and even a dumb motherfucker like me can see that.  And if you read my AWESOME body of work, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to see that.

Now, it’s easy to see why someone would want to pretend to be someone as awesome as me.  But at the same time, if you’re gonna’ make me look like a fucking asshole, at least have the goddammed courtesy to do it right.


It’s A Milestone, Really.

May 20, 2009

I never thought I’d see the day, and I can’t tell you where it ranked, which page it was or how far down in the SERPs the poor bastard had to go to find it, but, this site, this Den of Awesomeness as I like to call it, was found for a one-word search phrase.  A very competitive one at that – “fuck”.

That’s right bitches! Fuck! I was found for it! It’s almost as good as being the second worst blog of all time.

Oh – this place was also somehow found for “Maine porn”.  Don’t know why, don’t know how, and don’t know that I really want to know.  In a way, when you think about it, it’s almost as disturbing as “pikachu porn”.

Fuck Subaru Heaven.

May 18, 2009

When you watch a lot of the TV (as I do these days), you also get the priviledge of watching a lot of shitty ads too.  Lately, one of the worst has to be for fucking Subaru.

Perhaps you’ve seen this one.  You have some fucking hipster douchebag doing the voice over about how he and some other dude named Doug or something drove for two days to get to “Subaru Heaven”.  Turns out, Subaru heaven isn’t something awesome like a rally car event or some sort of gonzo drift-fest, which would have been awesome.  Oh hell no.  Turns out, Subaru Heaven is a bunch of abandoned Subaru Brats and shit under some oak tree on some fucking hill.

So, if you’re following this, you have some asshole parking a perfectly fine, running Subaru Forester under a fucking tree, giving it a sappy look and then driving off in another Forester.  As they drive off you then get some bullshit line about the fucking car living on “one part at a time”.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

Okay, if the fucking car drives, why the hell is this guy parking it under a fucking tree?  Why not give it to Goodwill or St. Vinnie’s or go on friggin’ craigslist and see if there are any single moms out there that need a good set of wheels?  And then, I’m guessing this fucker is all into recycling and shit, which is why he parks the car under a tree.  In the middle of a fucking forest.  Where it can leak oil, radiator fluid and tranny fluid into the ground water and kill all the fucking salmon.  I know, I know.  He wants it to live on “one part at a time”.  I got news for you.  There are already places where cars live on one part at a time.  They’re called scrap yards, asshole.  You can go there, and, believe it or not, buy junked Subaru parts “one part at a time”! I know, it’s fucking crazy.  Who knew right?

Whoever came up with this concept should be slapped.  Whichever art director passed this should be bitch-slapped.  And the dumb shit who okayed this at Subaru to be shown on the TV?  I don’t know.  Something bad.  Okay, I got nothing.  I got distracted halfway writing this fucking paragraph by a Playtex ad.  I mean, there’s boobs!  What?  Where are we now?  Okay, time to hit the publish button.

ps – turns out, I’m not the only one who thinks that Subaru Heaven is a load of shit.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

May 15, 2009

Holy shit.  My password actually friggin’ worked.  Who knew?  It’s like you know when you’re sitting there on the shitter, reading MAD, doing your thing and all of sudden you remember the fucking quadratic equation that you forgot and because of it flunked your advanced algebra class back in high school?  I imagine it’s something like that.

So, anyways, since the password worked and TV has been boring (yes, even Wife Swap can get old on the fifth go round on the entire fucking series), I thought, hey, I think I’ll start spending more time on teh interwebz.  You can cut my unemployment benefits, but you’ll never be able to cut my thirst for freaky-ass internet porn, Mr. Government Man!  Anyways, as such, I gleaned some shit on my travails.  And as always, if anyone happens to accidentally stumble across this, you’re gonna’ be really fucking irritated at this.  I mean, seriously.  It’s been what, six months?  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

1.  I may not actually be the most annoying fucker in social media.  Who knew, right?  Though, I guess you have to be social to be a part of social media and spending my time watching the ladies of Wife Swap annoy the holy fuck out of the families they try to take over and licking Cheeto dust off my fingers isn’t being social.  But hey, score one for the Hack!

2.  Some families are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fucked up than mine.   Thank god my mom didn’t knit.

3.  Apparently, in some sort of bizarro world, there’s a list of the sexiest minds in new media that magically does not have Comrade Melanie or Ms. Rebecca Kelly on it.  Yeah, I know!

4.  It’s a miracle Australia isn’t going broke.   C’mon, Australia, it’s fucking FROG.

5.  Only the Japanese know how to make a woman’s biological clock sexy.  That, or I have some sort of deep seated fetish I am totally unaware of.

6.  A REAL man (not so chick who became a quasi-dude who then became a part chick) gave birth! Yes, follow that link and you’re going to be as totally fucking underwhelmed as I was.  Damn you, FOX news!

7.  Criss Angel is not only a total fucking douchebag, he’s also a total fucking asshole. Give the guy his fucking cat back.

That wasn’t so bad.