7 Things I Learned On the Sunday Before SES SJ 07

Okay, I’m gonna’ be lazy.  Instead of actually posting interesting things that I learned at the conference in the form of an actual post, I’m going to resort to my list of seven things.  Yeah, I know.

1.  It’s a good thing I don’t have a gun in my car.

2.  California pretty much sucks once you get much below Red Bluff (that’s just south of Redding.  Oh hell, get a map and look it up. I’m not friggin’ Mr. Geography.).

3.  When people warn you about Sunday freeway traffic, listen to them.

4.  Someday I will be arrested for opening my door and clipping a motorcycle asshole who rides the shoulder and center lane to get ahead of traffic.

5.  Amazingly enough, the only difference between a kobe burger (not a burger that rapes hotel workers, but one made from kobe beef) and an angus burger is about $13 and a fancy, square plate.

6.   A $10 gin and tonic doesn’t taste much different than a $23 gin and tonic, which doesn’t taste as good as a the gin and tonics you can make at home in a 32 ounce cup.

7.  Never abandon a table to get more drinks at the bar or some asshole such as myself will steal it and put your drinks on the floor and laugh at you while you give me dirty looks for stealing your friggin’ table.  Oh, and apparently on that note I also learned I’m an asshole.  Oh well.  Suckers.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Courtney Love has a MySpace page. Will wonders never cease?

2. There are some real creepy bastards in our industry. WTF?!?!?! What the hell is this? Seriously, this is the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. First, “SEO Pussy” sounds like it sounds – nasty and in poor taste. And then an animated cat? yeah yeah yeah, real clever. A regular friggin’ Bill Cosby. But then the voice of that thing, with that creepy “I’m gonna’ molest your children” laugh? Egads. I really feel like I need a shower. NOW.

3. I need a role model.

4. There’s a reason Donald Duck is still one of my idols. Friggin’ dog-man hybrid bastard deserved what he got. You play with fire, you get exploded.

5. The Worst SEO Blog Ever is apparently on par with porn.

6. You should try this maneuver at your next meeting. Or the next time you get pulled over by a cop for speeding. Or when you’re standing in front of the judge and he’s bitching at you for speeding and offending a cop. Or when you’re standing there in the prison shower about to made into someone’s bitch. Good find, ladies.

7. Criss Angel is not only going to try an old Harry Houdini trick, but he’s also been linked to Britney Spears. OMG!!! Britney friggin’ Spears!!!!! Okay, so there’ s a couple of scenarios that could play out here. First, according to his site, he’s hoping to do this before his throbbing hoard of fans break down the door and see him naked. I don’t know that three guys and an old lady could do that, but it is possible. The real magic trick is how can he still have a freakin’ show. Second, Britney Spears, seriously? SERIOUSLY? He’ s damn near 40; she’s in her early 20’s. But they say love knows no age. Okay, fine. But SHE’S A CRAZY BITCH!!! So here’s what I’m predicting: If scenario one goes badly, Criss Angel gets trampled by half a dozen dudes thinking the double “s” at the end of his name means double sexy. If the second scenario goes badly, then Criss Angel will be made into emo magic boy pie and Britney wears his head like a creepy hat all the way to the looney bin. Either scenario ends with me doing the happy dance and perhaps wondering where Britney found such a large pie tin.

iCrap – iBlame You, Apple!

The other day I was shopping at the Wal-Mart (hey, it ain’t cheap lookin’ this swass!) and I came across a little gem called the iFan.  Yes, you’ve probably read about the iFan in other places in articles and posts written by other people.  And, like those other people, I just looked at the cheap piece of plasticky junk, scratched my head and thought, “What the hell?”

Seriously though, what the hell.  It’s as if since the friggin’ iPod all manufacturers of cheap shit you find at the Wal-Mart or other purveyors of cheap crap decided, “Hey, I know how to get rid of this shit.  Put a small “i” in front of the noun that it is and we’ll make millions.  Millions!”  Then I imagine these assholes laughing all the way to Denny’s to have the Dagwood breakfast slam, some coffee and a toot of coke off the center console of their Ranchero (if they had class they would have had an El Camino.  It may of not been the first of the car/pickup hybrid, but it is the classier of the two.  Ranchero – sheesh. ) while Chinese children start putting this garbage together lest they risk death or dismemberment.

Of course, I blame Apple.  Actually, I blame all the Apple Fanboys out there.  Yeah, you people.  You people take sub-par crap and elevate it to the level of cultural icon.  You know what?!??!?!  I don’t care that my mp3 player will outlive the four year life span Apple built into the iPod!!!  I’ll be jammin’ to “Cum On Feel the Noize” while you’re at the friggin’ Apple Store getting suckered into dropping your hard earned cash on another one!  Besides, I get FM radio.  What do you get, other than the satisfaction of looking like every other jerkwad dancing around in those stupid ass ads?  Oh, and for your information, I have no interest of hearing your interpretation of “Smooth Criminal”.  And I can hear you just fine.  You don’t have to yell, iDiot.  Turn down the volume.

Anyways, Apple made a winner of a product.  But why does every asswipe with an overseas manufacturing plant think that adding an “i” to the beginning of the product means we as the American consuming public are going to elevate it to the level of the iPod?  Do they really think we’re that moronic (don’t answer that)?  Have you seen the iFan?  It’s garbage!!! You’d have to be a blind man with your hands gnawed off by rats to actually believe the iFan is worth the five bucks the Wal-Mart is trying to trick you out of.

And finally, the blame rests on the friggin’ morons who actually dropped actual money on any of these iProducts.  You people are stupid.  You people need to be shipped to India or China or Russia to bring down the collective IQ of the people in those countries so we’re more competitive on a global scale.  In short, you people are the reason America is mocked internationally and I was able to get an “A” in Econ 101 despite only getting C’s and D’s on tests.  Even poor little LiLi, who had her ankles hobbled so she’d take less bathroom breaks and be able to put more stickers on more iFans, thinks you’re a dumbass.   For all the little LiLi’s out there, please do not buy these damn things or anything else with that damnedable “i” in front of it.

Man, I love gin.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Jesus plays hockey. And he appears to enjoy it!

2. Being the nice guy of SEO doesn’t mean people won’t make you out to be an asshole. That’s why I prefer to show people I’m an asshole right from the get go.

3.  Mr. Cooper is an asshole.  Wow.

4.  Syphilis is called the French disease.

5. There’s actually a page dedicated to all the search-marketing terms I hate!

6.  Even with TwitBin, I don’t have the attention span necessary for telling people when I leave the room to take a dump.

7.  Vanessa Fox is speaking at SES San Jose!!!!! I am SO hoping her talk is about The Princess Bride this time.  And if I meet her, I don’t make a complete ass out of myself.  Which is what would probably happen.  It’s not like I’d wet myself and shake my hands in the air screaming.  It’s more like I’d say something like “my hands smell like armadillos” or something random.

A Friday Rant

Okay, I think it’s time for an old fashioned rant. I’ve got my tinfoil hat on, my 12 gauge is loaded, binoculars are by the window and I’m glaring at my neighbor. The lucky bastard is out there drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at 9:30 in the friggin’ morning. Thanks for rubbing it in that you don’t have to work for living, dick.

Okay, first rant comes courtesy of our good SEM friend, Syzlak. He posted something on web 3.0. Yes, web 3.0. What’s supposed to come after web 2.0, unless you believe we’re in web 2.5, then it would come after that. WHAT A BUNCH OF SHIT. I almost can’t typeathia this spsot post becaise I’m gaeatting so worekked up!!! Seriously – web 2.0 is a sham!!!!!! You don’t simply install this garbage and your internet is upgraded!!!!! People in America, yes, the friggin’ United States of America, are still using dial up!!!!! This software naming convention for something evolutionary is asinine!!!!! Screw that spelling. It’s ASSININE. It’s ridiculous, it’s straight up douchbaggery and it’s ASSININE. KILL IT NOW.

The next rant is aimed at Rand Fishkin. So some dude (and if you know me, dude isn’t some generic term for “guy”) writes an article about you, sphinns it, and then gets some discussion up there about you, shit someone else on your blog team wrote and then some shit you did three years ago. How do you respond? “Email me.” Here’s the deal. So what if it started off questioning your choice over the value of some directories. There are differences in opinions. But when someone starts acting like dick, you don’t have to respond. You were on friggin’ vacation!!! And by saying “email me” over and over, to a fucking gutter dweller such as myself, it looks like you’re trying to sweep something under the rug. You don’t have to do that. If you want my armchair QB advice, you either take him down like the punk he was being or don’t dignify him with a response. If you take him down, you call into question his real motives. You start searching all the forums and call out all the bullshit he’s brought up. Hell, someone even stated he’s regularly hating on SEOmoz. There you go. The dude is in friggin’ Florida. Florida. Anyone could see he was trying to get attention by dragging you down to the gutter. Which brings up the other option – don’t say a damn thing. You didn’t owe this guy shit. He wanted to get ugly (I don’t give a damn what the dude said in his article – bringing up history after you’ve cleaned up was making it ugly). So don’t give him the benefit of any credibility. You don’t have to explain shit. We all see what you do now. Just tell him that was then, this is now, and I don’t like Aviva. Or don’t even say any of that.

The whole Rand vs VanDeMar thing on Sphinn brings me to another rant – what’s wrong with this industry?!?!!?!?!?? When I was studying advertising, I often heard stories about copywriters going toe to toe with creative directors and all sorts of fist fights and shit. It made me proud to think I too could be one of these street brawlers. It almost made up for the fact I was so interested in getting into an industry based on not a whole helluva’ lot. But this whole deal, this, this isn’t street brawling. It’s not even pushing and shoving. It was straight up “I’m gonna’ call you a friggin’ liar and cheat and then say you’re not one because I don’t appear to be mean” followed by “I’m sorry for something I did three years ago and email me”. WTF?!?!!?!? If you’re gonna’ call some one out, call them out and stand there. Don’t hide behind a bunch of “I didn’t mean it like that” bullshit. And if you don’t mean it like that, read your shit before publishing it. And if someone calls you out, either tell them to get bent by not responding or take them down to the gutter. Don’t let some turd get away with questioning your integrity. And if you did some shit that was questionable, own it (which, Rand did). Besides, so what?!?!!? It’s not like this friggin’ industry is full of altar boys and nuns.

Final rant (for now) – what the hell is the deal with all these friggin’ telemarketers telling me to call them?!?!?!?!?!? It’s bad enough you people are irritating me while I’m trying to cook dinner/work/take a dump/get drunk, but then YOU PEOPLE want ME to run around my friggin’ house, find a damn pencil and take down your fucking phone number to call you back?!?!?!?!? GO SCREW YOURSELVES. You people are ignorant. You people are ASSININE (yeah, I’m trying to rank for the new, correct spelling). I hope you people get nothing but granny porn spam, viagra spam and emails from some prince in Nigeria needing your help to get money out of the bank. I hope when you people go to Hell, your eternity is spent needing to go to the bathroom but afraid to not answer the phone because you’re waiting to hear if you’re cat made it from surgery okay and then have it be me telling you to call me so I can tell you about some great vacation deal or some other bullshit.

Now where the hell did I put my shells? And my coffee cup?

7 Sure-Fire Tactics to Get Dugg on Digg

Without a doubt, anyone who has anything to do with search marketing has heard about the potent amount of traffic and links one can gain from Diggnation. Though they might not actually read your story or buy your product, for whatever reason this audience is highly valued.

So, how does one take advantage of Digg and get their stories dugg? Simple. Use one or all of the following strategies and you’re destined to reap the rich rewards that await you!

1. Set up 1,594 Digg user accounts and then digg your story. It may be necessary to outsource part of this to India.

2. Make sure there is a picture of some lady’s boobs on the page you want dugg.

3. Write a story that makes an outrageous claim such as “SEO Is For Losers” or “Search Marketers Enjoy Eating Babies, Foi Gras”. Facts are not as important to the story, and to be honest, there aren’t many people who will probably will probably make it much further than the headline. Be sure your claim is in the first sentence or two.

4. Make sure to include a bum-shot of some gal wearing a thong.

5. Write headlines that are sure to whip Digg’s mob mentality into a frenzy, such as “SEO Jerk Calls Diggnation a Dumbacracy” or “Bush Said “Transformers” Sucked and Optimus Prime is Lame”. Again, accuracy is not the key here. Study these people and find out what pushes their collective buttons. In no time you’ll have their pitchforks and torches aimed at your site in the form of links! Hopefully.

6. Post something about iPods, Apple, WoW or anything else you think a pasty-white, 17-year-old boy who rarely sees natural sunlight would like.

7. Make sure there is a photo of a naked woman on the page you want dugg.

Vindication!!!

If you’ve bothered to do more than stop by to quickly learn a potential navel-gazing hipster douchebag lurks here and have read some of the older posts, you know my feelings on Cameron Diaz. I guess for a gal who looks like a dude, she’s okay, other than the fact she bugs the living shit out of me and the only movie she was worth a damn in was that one with the guy who’s the real life son of the guy who played George Costanza’s father on Seinfeld. Remember that movie? It had something to do with a bunch of men having sex in the bushes at a rest stop and something to do with hair gel. Sound familiar?

Some have told me I’m crazy and that not only is Cameron Diaz better than d-list actress, she’s a looker. I don’t agree. And now, thanks to some cat named Bash, I know that I’m not the only one who thinks Cameron Diaz looks mannish.

And yes, I don’t care that as it turns out the person that agrees with me is four years old.

So, I Drank the Twitter-Aid

After a little cajoling from our boy Syzlak, I finally jumped in and signed up for Twitter. I even signed up for the damn TwitBin so I can add twits all throughout my day.  Whoopee.

So, does that mean I’m going to turn into some navel-gazing hipster douchebag? Probably not. Now that I’ve partaken of Twitter’s purple drink, I find some really cool people use Twitter. Yes, cool people other than Syzlak.

What it does mean is that if my interest in this thing for more than a few hours, I’ll be finding all sorts of ways to let you all know I’ve went and taken a poop.