Archive for March, 2010

Dear UK, A Modest Proposal

March 11, 2010

And I’m not talking about eating Irish children.  At least not right now.  I have nothing against the Irish, and frankly, they look a bit tough and chewy.  Now, nice, suburban American kids that have been raised on sugar, starch and TV is gonna’ probably be more like veal.  Why the hell are we talking about eating children?

Anyways, tonight I was watching the BBC America on the TV and after sitting through a re-run of Top Gear (the one with the Tesla. If they’re gonna’ show re-runs all the time, why not the Vietnam episode more often?) followed by The In-Betweeners when it occured to me, all you all are more like us than those Euros.

No offense to mainland Europeans, but, c’mon Great Britain!  I mean, do you all really, I mean really feel like you have more in common with those people than us?  Sure, you like Europeans because they’re not Americans.  I get that.  But when you get down to it, we’re just the Onslow to your Hyacinth Bucket – you people are all fancy and junk while we’re, well, we’re not.  But like Hyacinth, you all don’t fit in with those fancy Euros either.  You may go to the fancy garden party, but in the end you leave with your dress soiled and pushing Onslow’s car.   And why?  In a really fucked up way, it’s because we’re family.  Plus, we only had a few decades of fighting with you, while the various incarnations of the United Kingdom has been fighting with various parts of mainland Europe for centuries.  I mean, hell, you all burned down our White House and we still wept for your Princess Diana.  Can you say the same about the French or the Lithuanians?

If you think about it, we’re the way we are because of you all.  Who were the pilgrims? Some crazy religious people you chased over here.  And then after a while you sent some criminals, soccer football hooligans, capitalists and other ne’er do wells and before long, BAM! we have the United States of America.  When you get down to it, what you don’t like about America is really a reflection of what you didn’t like about yourself and tried to ship off.  And I can’t imagine what that says about Australia.

So, how about it?  You give the European Union the finger, and come hang out with us and maybe we’ll start a club with Canada, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand?  For starters, we all talk the same, which will cut down on the need for translators.  And you can get back to doing what you do best – have fancy dinner parties with New Zealand  while we drink beer and watch horse racing with Ireland and Australia.  And I have no idea what Canada is doing over there in the corner.