7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

This actually covers two weeks. You might be thinking that maybe there should then be 14 things I learned? Not likely. You obviously have forgotten what a lazy prick I am.

1. Not only am I associated with “poop porn”, I’m apparently found for “todd friesen stripper”. Is there something we don’t know about the Oilman?

2. Hippies and the Taliban have something in common! Lucky for us, it’s just nappy hair and a fear of the shower and the shave.

3. Dr. Drew has a firm grasp on the obvious. His next “amazing” revelation was Britney Spears was also a poor mother and K-Fed was a douchebag. Wow, Dr. Drew. Glad to see you’re getting the most out of the medical degree thingy hanging on your wall. What’s next, the sky is blue?

4. There are some people almost as fucking crazy as those Scientology people. There’s a reason I don’t go to foreign places – the foreigners.

5. My life makes sense. This whole time I just thought I was kicking ass.

6. Syzlak is going to be an awful mother. But at least he’s a damn fine geeeeetar player.

7. The more I read, the more I learn I really might be wrong about squirrels. But they are cute little bastards when they’ve been drinking.  After all the bad press, I thought squirrels would’ve been mean drunks.  But apparently they’re just a little clumsy.  And honestly, aren’t we all.  Aren’t we?

So, I’ll Clean Up My Act

I saw an intriguing video on RationReality.com about a precocious little boy (well, a 14-year-old boy) who started the No Cussing Club. Essentially, if you want to hang with him, you can’t cuss. Just go listen to his rap. It pretty much spells it out there.

As a result of viewing said video, I decided to try a post with no cussing. Not that I want to
be like those two pedophiles in that video (as Syzlak pointed out, what kind of 20-something hangs out with a boy in the throws of puberty?). I’m cool with kids my own age. I just wanted to see if I could do it.

So, uh, erm.

You, ah, Microsoft, ummm . . . . . hmph.

I saw a real, er, um . . . . . .

Umm, hmmm.

I hate those . . . . . ah, um, you know.

Jason Calicanis is really, ah, errr . . . . . . . .

And that . . . umm . . . er . . . . .

Final Countdown Throwdown

Ahhh, the beauty of the interweb. Who knew that it can be as good for entertainment as it is for looking at porn or finding out that the crazy bitch who dumped you in high school is busing tables at the Denny’s (sure, it ain’t no Waffle House, but I do love me a Dagwood Breakfast Slam) and knocked up with the 42nd child from the douchebag she dumped you for (BTW – they ain’t married and he’s on the welfare and has hemroids! Now who’s cool, you heartless harpie hell-bitch?!?!!?!)?

Thanks to the YouTube, I have an endless supply (by endless I mean seven) of covers of “Final Countdown”. Haven’t heard of it? Don’t be a lying asshole. Who doesn’t know Europe’s “Final Countdown”? Ahh, your lips say you don’t but your lying, full-of-shit eyes sing “We’re leaving together, but still it’s farewell”. You hear the awesomest piece of synth EVER humming in your head right now, don’t you? Don’t be an asshole. You know you want to start screeching it at the tops of your lungs right now. It’s okay. We ALL love that song. Those who say they don’t are lying motherfuckers who would just as soon stab out your eyes and then screw you dog than to admit they’re a mullet-headed butt-rocker from way back.

Really, it should be the official anthem of the search industry.

So, for the above reasons, I’ve taken it upon myself to pit two covers against one another. Thanks to Bagel, I now know how to actually embed a YouTube clip into this thing! For your viewing pleasure I present Norther versus Some Random Guys In Black T-Shirts.

First up, Norther:

Okay, while I dig the screechy vocals, it’s pretty much like the original. The slide show is nice, but these dudes remind me of Metalocalypse. Just trade that one emo looking guy in for William Murderface and there you have it. And at 1:23, is that blonde dude trying to channel Zakk Wylde?  Cuz, if so, he ain’t.

Next, we have some random guys in black t-shirts that appear to be at some sort of swap meet or something:

Okay, nothing against Norther, but these guys kicked major fucking ass. First off, look at the lead singer. He’s like a caged tiger, pacing and yearning for freedom and kicking ass. The stage is his cage and the fat guy who walks in front of the camera better watch his back. Then you have the awesome organ playing. Just friggin’ sweet. The guitar and bass together? Like Siamese twins, but without being hooked together and not looking alike. And the drummer – straight up animal. Watch him beat those skins. In my book, this is the official band of the search industry.

So, I think the clear winner is the random guys in black shirts playing at the county fair behind the goat barn. But since I’m a nice guy, I’ll take all you all’s votes too.

Sunday Search Funness!!!

Wow.

Apparently, the perverts are figuring out what this blog is actually about or the geniuses at Google have finally added some sort of relevance filter into their algo and discovered *gasp* that the Worst SEO Blog Ever! isn’t actually about “poop porn” (at this time, it’s sitting at position 7 =( ).

However, looking at the search stats provided by WordPress for last Sunday, it appears that this shit hole is starting to get found for some SEO-relevant keywords as well. Here’s what I saw:

Yesterday (11/25/2007)
Search Views
poop porn 4
dan sullivan sucks dick 1
porno poop 1
assholes 1
drinking piss from asshole 1
vanessa fox ass shots 1

Seeing these various search terms got me to thinking, “What or who is using those search terms to find this place?” As a result, I came up with a term by term analysis (hehehehe, you ever notice you can’t spell “analysis” without “anal”?) of the kind of person is searching for this phrase or who specifically is searching for this term! Sound like fun? Then let’s play the game!

poop porn – I’m guessing these four people are male, live with mom and like some of the stuff found on Sticky Butter (something very disturbing and very specific that is on that site). These people are either clicking on this page and using it as a “beard” to keep their sicko fetish under wraps or get very pissed off when they discover that there are no picture or movies of “pooping” or “porn” and instead see there is only “bullshit”.

dan sullivan sucks dick – The kind of person that would search this is either envious of Mr. Sullivan’s success and impact in the search industry or believes that Mr. Sullivan is some sort of evil genius that is using all of us like little pawns to make himself wealthy while spreading mis-information and making “black hat SEO” tactics palatable and accepted to search marketers and optimizers. There’s only one person that fits that profile that I can think of – Dougie Heil.

porno poop – This poor bastard was one of the four other searchers that searched for “poop porn”. Like the others, he was disappointed and performed another search. Unlike the others, he was dumb enough to click on the listing for this place showing in the SERPs. Fucking idiot.

assholes – This one is easy. It’s my father trying to figure out what my brother and I were doing for Thanksgiving and why we weren’t at his house and why we didn’t call.

drinking piss from asshole – This one is tough. I suspect it’s male. However, I also suspect this person isn’t like the “poop porn” boys and may be trying to see what bizarre shit turns them on instead of knowing already how sick he is. I also suspect this pervo is from the “don’t be judgemental” camp. If not, it’s someone who’s looked at so much porn online that they’ve become desensitized to the most random, bizarre shit that can be found online.

vanessa fox ass shots – Okay, first off, Ms. Fox, I apologize that some sick fuck thought they could find these pics of you on this site. With that, on to the analysis. Apparently, this person is in the search industry and familiar with Vanessa Fox and is perhaps a VFFB. Next, I’m assuming this person is male, and probably in his forties if not fifties. I’m also assuming this person has a crush on Ms. Fox and may troll in her comments occasionally. So, using those clues and a little speculation, without a doubt I’m guessing this was Doug Heil again.

So there you have it. If you ever need any help deciphering the kind of person that’s using weird-ass search terms to find your site, you know who to turn to.

A Quick Question –

Dear Readers,

What is it about Sundays that bring out the poop porn surfers?

Sincerely,

SEO Hack

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. There’s someone for everybody.

2. Scientologists are weird motherfuckers. And not just because of the Xenu story.

3. Though they sound very similar, apparently shotacon and Chaka Kahn are in no way related to one another. Good to know.

4. The interweb is a cruel son of a bitch. Iomega may want to chew some ass . . . .

5. I am AWESOME. Guess who’s ranking #2 in Google for “poop porn”?

6. Syzlak needs a hug.

7. Perhaps I was wrong about everybody loving squirrels.

Vanessa Fox Leaves Zillow. Syzlak Gets a Hair Cut. Life Goes On.

No really, he did.

Everybody’s favorite former Google girl is on the move again, though she is staying in Seattle. Unlike last time when she told the big G to get bent (okay, she didn’t, but it’s fun to pretend she did, isn’t it?), my computer isn’t telling me to piss up a tree and I can actually follow the action! Okay, so there isn’t much action either. But those are small details. Really small, insignificant details. So small you can’t consider it lying. At any rate, it was nice to actually get to read it instead of hear all about it second hand from everybody’s favorite SEM guy.

As I read her post, I began to wonder what this meant for the search community. Then, just like all good assholes, I said to myself, “Fuck the search community! What’s this mean for me?!?!?” Oh, and don’t get all high and mighty and act like you’re all selfless and junk. You know you did the same damn thing.

So, without any further hesitation, here’s what jumped to mind:

1. In her post, she promised to write more. Thank goodness. I was thinking I was gonna’ have to start becoming a Rebecca Kelley fan boy.

2. Will I get to see more Dougie Heil trolling around in her blog? More writing means I just might!

3. Unfortunately, more Buffy the Vampire Slayer at conferences. But a bastard can still hope that it may mean more Princess Bride. Don’t take away this bastard’s dreams!

4. VFFB’s and other associated SEO geekboys will now have something to bug Ms. Fox about. All those veiled attempts to talk real estate never worked anyways.

5. Google fanboys and girls will have to continue fantasizing about Matt Cutts in a thong bikini under that Google t-shirt and jean set. I don’t know what it has to do with me, but it did cross my mind. I suspect some of these people were secretly hoping Vanessa would go back to Google and it would be like Mom and Dad getting back together again. But it ain’t. Dad’s still lonely, drunk, angry and looking for love in all the wrong places while Mom has found a guy five years younger that rides a motorcycle and the kiddos are constantly conspiring to get the two back together ala Haley Mills in the Parent Trap. You’re living in the past!!!!! Give up the dream!!!!! It’s all your fault!!!!! Aren’t you happy for Mom? Well, aren’t you, you inconsiderate little shits?

6. Hmm. Carne asada burrito or spicy pork tacos?

7. New domain for VanessaFoxNude.com = pain in my ass. Memorizing stuff sucks.

At any rate, good luck at the new place, Vanessa. We all look forward to seeing more writing and stuff. 😉

MSN, You Piss Me Off

I thought waiting a day would make me feel better about these people, but it didn’t.  As a matter of fact, if anything, it convinced me load the car full of flammable materials and drive to Redmond to burn some shit down.

I don’t care how much better your three column start page is, I hate you, MSN.

Yesterday I was treated to the pleasure of fucking Criss Angel looking as gangsta as a 40 year old emo magic boy can on your page.  Nothing says lame-ass more than Criss Angel.  Nothing says fucking lame-ass like Criss Angel looking showing bling (why the hell else would his fucking Timex be showing like that?) and looking all serious.  Look, Criss Angel sucks.  And you know who cares about Celine Dion?  NOBODY.

Next, quit with all the tree-hugger shit already.  Yeah, going green is great.  Everybody should hold hands and plant trees and shit.  I get it already.  But last summer you forced fucking Live 8 down our throats for like three months.  THREE MONTHS!!!!!  And when it bombed, you kept acting like everybody wanted to see it.  And now, yesterday, you run an ad, er, I mean article, where you take all these tips from TreeHugger.com on how to have a green sex life.  A GREEN sex life.  I can tell you, most people do NOT want the color green associated with sex.  It usually means you got the clap or the syphilis or some other sort of nasty, drippy disease from that closing time hook-up at that dive bar.   And who the hell would be turned on by hemp panties but some dirt-headed hippie?  Those just sound like they have nasty rash written all over them.  All this eco-stuff is having the exact opposite effect on me.  I don’t want to save the earth, I want to pave the motherfucker over.

And finally, congratulations for bringing the backlink function back seven months after you killed it.  But you know what?  Having to put a “+” in front of it is ASSinine.  It’s not hard, it’s just stupid.  Grow up.  Besides, it’s not like your rankings have improved.  No matter how hard you try to trick us into doing a search on Live by making it look like we’ll find something compelling in your SERPs, we’re on to you.  Your SERPs are still garbage.  And the thing we end getting “tricked” into searching for is not nearly as exciting as your hype.  You really ought to consider doing like Ask (who is kicking the shit out of you) and pay someone to provide your results.  Seriously.  I can hook you sorry asses up with a phone number.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Google isn’t evil, just a little racist.

2. Things aren’t always as they seem. And you can buy sex toys on Amazon! Just don’t mistake it for a dog toy and vice-versa.

3. Someone bought a Golden Doodle. What’s a Golden Doodle, you ask? It’s a fucking mutt. Nothing special, other than a fucking Golden Retriever got it on with a goddamm poodle. They’re just fucking mutts, people!!!!!! And you paid too much for it if you’re calling it some goddamm cutsified yuppie name like a Golden fucking Doodle!!!!!!

4. Fabio’s gonna’ take Clooney down to pain town!!!!! I have to admit, I’m a bit torn on this. I think George Clooney is a total douchebag you gets off on looking at himself in the mirror. Seriously. And after watching a full season of Mr. Romance, he seems able to not take hisself so seriously, unlike that douchebag Clooney. While I would be inclined to want Fabio to beat the holy living piss out of Clooney (really, wouldn’t be funny if Georgy couldn’t get any more work because the I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter Man busted his face?), what George did is something that I would do. Actually, there’s a reason I’m always holding the camera, a photo album of family pictures with me giving the camera the bird. As a result, I’m torn. Do I root for Fabio, the enemy of my enemy? Or Clooney, because apparently we have something in common (well, two things, being known for being uber-handsome and enjoying flipping off cameras)?

5. Mr. Jefferson was gay?!?!?!!?! And in gay porn movies?!?!?!!??!?!!? I luv da interwebs!

6. If you think Google is evil, at least they didn’t turn states evidence for China. Way to go, Yang & Co.

7. There’s a reason I love squirrels! And honestly, who doesn’t?

Top 10 Reasons I Can’t Party Like an SEO Rock Star

I remember seeing something in that one post by Rebecca at SEOmoz and then I saw it in one of Jaan Kanellis‘ posts about partying like an SEO Rockstar at the upcoming PubCon with Shoemoney and his pals. Jaan had some pretty compelling reasons as to why he should win. But it got me to thinking – could I possibly win something like this?

I thought about it for about five minutes and decided no. And like Jaan, I made a list. So, here you go, my Top 10 Reasons I Can’t Party Like An SEO Rockstar:

1. I’d have to be in my room at 10 pm to catch the girls.

2. All the free literature concerning strippers would be waaaaay to distracting and I’d spend all my time scouring the streets for these fliers of naked goodness.

3. Trust me – what happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. However, that statement is true about Winnemucca.

4. See that picture of Neil Patel doing a hit on a beer bong? If I were holding the funnel there’s a good chance he’d be drinking piss. As turns out, people don’t find drinking piss as funny as I do.

5. No Waffle House.

6. Until I went to his blog, I didn’t know who Shoemoney was. Beermoney, sure, everybody knows Beermoney. He’s awesome! But until about four hours ago I thought Shoemoney was some suburban housewife swilling booze, downing pills and shopping Overstock.

7. I like to drink and fight just like everybody else, but unfortunately I like to fight old men who pull their trousers up to their man-boobs. They’re much easier to take down.

8. $500 doesn’t buy the high quality midget hookers like it used to.

9. I’m a pretty big asshole (at least according to Mom), but I’m not as big an asshole as this douchebag. Besides, that guy is way hardcore. He fucking pissed on his fiance’s clothes while they were in the drawer. THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING DRAWER. If he went, not only would it be awkward because I called him an asshole and a douchebag, I’d be afraid of him pissing on me. THIS GUY SCARES ME. This is guy is the reason I stick to picking fights with the oldsters at the early bird buffet.  He’s one story about fucking a groupie with a fish from being a bonafide Rock Star.  Well, that and a guitar.

10. Criss fucking Angel. I hate that motherfucker. I hate his fucking guts. If I saws that motherfucker, I’d beat him down like he was an old man. I’d rip his fucking arms off and beat his emo-magic-boy ass with them like a drum. Like one of those drum-playing monkeys, like his boyfriend Tommy Lee. I hate both those fuckers. And from what I understand, those two douchebags spend a lot of time in Vegas. I really don’t want to spend my time inVegas in the pokey getting the, er, forced anal pokey.

So there you have it. I’m a Golden Girls watching, old man fighting, beer bong pissing-in, chickenshit-asshole who hates Criss Angel. From what I’ve been reading, it’s the antithesis (oooo! big word!) of an SEO RockStar.