Archive for January, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

January 31, 2008

1. When you gotta’ go, you gotta’ go.

2. You can do anything as long as you have the rock in you.

3. I could get over my guilt over the music I’ve stolen borrowed if I weren’t so cheap.

4. Booze+ chess = gunfire? Apparently so.

5. Even in Afghanistan it’s hard to find good help these days.

6. Now there’s another reason you don’t want to be seated next to the smelly, sweaty guy on the airplane.

7. Some people are just begging to go to Hell.

Who the Hell Is Ron Paul?

January 30, 2008

Seriously, who the hell is he?

I searched for racist on and all I got was some lousy Google page that allowed my to sort “ron” and “paul” from the results.

Is he that one crazy guy that was throwing rocks into a pond? If so, I’m down with throwing rocks into shit. Maybe we could get together and light some dumpsters on fire too. I’m just saying it’s fun. Unless he’s wanting to light dumpsters on fire outside of synagogues and Baptist churches and junk. That I’m not keen on. But out behind the high school or a Starbucks? Right on! As you’re well aware, I’m anti-learning stuff and anti-shitty coffee.

From what I gather from some guy that works with Rebecca Kelley, he’s got some sort of effect on the interweb. And according to the Rebecca, he’s like Snakes On A Plane, but minus anything interesting. Except for that rock throwing thing, if that is him and not some other oldster.

Anyways, if anyone has any information on this Ru Paul, do let me know. Thanks!

What the Hell, Search Engine Strategies! Calacanis? Really?

January 29, 2008

So, between whining, taking down my SEMMY trophy case and switching my loyalties, I totally missed the announcement that Jason Calacanis is going to be speaking as a keynote, erm, speaker at SES.

From what I gather, this Calacanis guy runs some search engine called Mahalo and is known to be an asshole. Like, there’s a lot of people who think he’s an asshole. Like, a lot of people are saying this him speaking at this Search Engine Strategies thing is a huge linkbait move to get attendance up, and that he’s an asshole. So, it seems the general consensus is that this Calacanis guy is an asshole.

Well, I have to admit, I’m a little pissed off too. After all, if it’s an asshole they were looking for, why didn’t they look at me? Sure, I’m not as notorious as Calacanis is, but I’m still an asshole. And I’d like to think a beloved asshole of this industry. If they want someone to throw out a few f-bombs, I can do that. “Fuck you, motherfucking fuckers!” “Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck!” I’m pretty good, no?

I can be controversial. Hell, I’ve even had a Sphinn post buried by Michael Gray.  What’s more fucking controversial than that? Fuck yeah, it’s fucking controversial!!!  What can I say, I’m hardkore.

So, if you’re looking for someone that’s controversial and has the mouth of a motherfucking sailor, then I’m your guy. Sure, I don’t run a search engine. Big fucking deal. And yeah, maybe no one has heard of me. Besides, that motherfucker has spoke three times – he’s old hat. Fuck that. I’m an asshole’s asshole, and that’s all you fucking SES twats need to know.

Now then, when do I show up and can I get paid in cash?

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

January 25, 2008

1. Just ‘cuz the guy has a funny name doesn’t mean he’s a comedian. Or a porn star. I would hate to see the atrocities that Seymour Butts committed.

2. I can return the awesome ring I bought to go with the awesome Google fridge I was supposed to win.

3. There are such things as work-safe dirty pictures.

4. It looks like Heath Ledger was murdered. If you find that totally tacky and shows that I lack class, may I point out Comrade Syzlak pointed me in that direction.

5. There’s a reason I don’t exercise – it makes me look stupid. But this is cheaper than riding a horse for exercise and a helluva’ lot easier to clean up after. You ever try and get horse shit out of the carpet? Exactly.  It’s not as bad as pig shit, but still, it’s a pain in the ass.

6.  There are things I can learn from people in Philadelphia.

7.   Interweb Porn is fake and a relationshiop-wrecker!  So it ain’t so!  For shame, Interweb Porn, for shame.

Guess What? Yep, Screwed Again.

January 24, 2008

Well, despite my inherent awesomeness, my bid for a SEMMY is dead. Surely, there was some sort of mistake, no?

Apparently, as Syzlak pointed out, “maybe they didn’t think it was that good.” But what wasn’t good about it? I think perhaps he was joking. I mean, c’mon it was the most perfect SEM post ever. It was even about Jill Whalen. Jill Whalen, people, Jill Whalen!

I also noticed that our friend Rebecca Kelley was absent as well, which is curious. Perhaps the infinitely wise judges saw it as R. Kelley and was afraid the posts were about pissing on minors or something? I don’t blame them for not wanting to be associated with that. I mean, sure ,the guy can sing, but pissing on people is un-cool. Well, most of the time it’s un-cool. There are sometimes it’s probably warranted, but Rebecca Kelley, as far as I know, does not pee on people. I’d even be willing to testify to that. Unless she does pee on people. Then all bets are off. At any rate, this is not that R. Kelley, as she once explained on some comment somewhere.

I do have my theories as to why I was hosed **cough**anti-pacific northwest sentiments**cough**cough**, but I give up. It was bad enough to learn about the Google fridge this week, but now this? What the hell am I gonna’ do with all that platinum? I mean, it’s not like I can take it back after melting down those stacks of billet? What the fuck? Look away, just look away, I don’t want you to see my cry like this. Look away dammit!!!

This has also led me to question my Vanessa Fox Fanboy-dom. Once steadfast, it’s really made me start to question some stuff, like if we met, would we really have a few laughs and talk about the Princess Bride and how awesome we both are or would it spin into a Buffy the Vampire Slayer-death march that would just have me politely shaking my head and smiling at Ms. Fox? Maybe it’s time for me start focusing my allegiance on Rebecca Kelley? RKFB does have a nice ring to it . . . . unless of course, the peeing thing . . . .

At any rate, I know where I’m not welcome. So with that, I’m going somewhere I’ll be appreciated. Goodbye, cruel world.

StumbleUpon, aimClear and Giving A Shit

January 23, 2008

Alright, so I read some article on Search Engine Watch about this guy aimClear getting some grief after getting some dude booted from StumbleUpon.  There was even a blog post about it and a mention of the SEW article on Sphinn.  And so now, in true interweb fashion, his profile is getting a bunch of negative junk.

So what?

Ain’t that the nature of the beast?  I fully expect when if I get booted from Sphinn or StumbleUpon or what have you there to be a bunch of people raising hell with whomever got me kicked out.  Well, maybe three.  Assuming Syzlak and JDog aren’t busy.  Though, I guess since bagel isn’t a part of the industry, she might not even give a shit.  So maybe two people.  Maybe.  Anyways, the point is you get somebody’s buddy tossed out of the bar, you have to expect their friends to be waiting for you in the parking lot with a tire iron and a bicycle chain.  Or at least that’s been my experience.

I’ve also been reading some hand-wringing crap about how the Search Industry has a negative persona and the comments on aimClear’s profile only illustrate that.  So what?  If aimClear were a dentist, I imagine he’d be getting some sort of junk about being a honky tooth butcher or something and how the members of the ADA are a bunch of shills for Crest.  Big deal.

More to the point, who cares what people think of the Search Industry?  Seriously.  People hate ad folks and marketers of all types and that’s what we are.  I mean, hell, sure, we look at code and crap.  But at the core of what we do is marketing. We talk about messages, the importance of brand image and copy.  We make recommendations on keyword selection that appeals to a client’s primary target audience.  Umm, that’s pretty much advertising strategy and marketing as I recall.

Basically, as an industry, we need to quit bitching and whining a worrying about these people hating us.  You don’t see attorneys crying about this shit, do you?  How about people working in old media?  Hell no!  They got thick skin!  They accept that the day they entered into their field of work, they got a target on their back.  And in the online world, so do we.  If one of us pisses someone off, you can bet your ass someone’s gonna’ call that person out and demonize how they make a living.  Is it fair?  That isn’t the question.  The fact is that you can’t do a whole helluva’ lot about it and instead of crying about it, just say fuck it.  It’s part of what we do.  Besides, there are plenty of people already in our industry that are willing to call us shills and thieves and scumbags.  Why the hell should we expect anything different from the other 99% of the online world?

So, in conclusion, we need to quit acting like a bunch of wussies and collectively grow a set.  Seriously.

It’s True – SEO Hack Screwed Yet Again!

January 21, 2008

All I can say is fuck you 2008.

I had a feeling I couldn’t win this thing.  Afterall, what am I but a simple SEO with a mighty thirst and the need to keep my gin, urine and toe nail clippings in a nice, cool place?  But with Comrade JDog’s prodding, I went forth, hoping my need and desire would net me the awesomest of awesome – a Google fridge.

I poured my heart out into a post sharing the seven things one might find in my Google fridge, you know, if I won one.  I was optimistic.  Hell, I even started dreaming of the damn thing.  I dreamed I took it for a drive and we shot mail boxes together and then went and got some ice cream at the Dairy Queen (gotsta have my Blizzard!) and then some milk at the Super Wal-Mart (a machine of this caliber doesn’t just go the regular Wal-Mart).  This refrigerator, with its cooling and heating, was going to take me places that I had never seen before.  Places where I could cool and heat things.  Maybe even a social gathering.

But as you can guess, that sweet dream has been shat upon.

Instead, some other guy who plagiarized re-purposed some poor, body-less boy’s letter won it.  He won!  Stealing was rewarded!  Well, theft and being from the same geographic location and having crappy database problems.  I could get further into it, but all you really need to know is that SEO Hack was screwed again!

Well, Mr. Perry, I hope you’re happy.  Not only have you screwed my sweet dreams of a Google fridge like a hardened felon on fresh meat in the yard, you’ve sentenced Granpa to potential death by botulism.  Hope you can sleep at night.

7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week

January 18, 2008

Let me begin this week’s episode of “7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week” by stating it may be the best one yet.  While it’s low on commentary, the shit I learned this week was incredible.  And might I thank Comrade Syzlak for inspiring three of the seven.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a SEMMY acceptance speech to work on.

1. There’s a reason MSN sucks – Search Master Steve.

2. Apparently, WoW can save your life. And I don’t mean because you’re on the compooter so much playing it that it is preventing you from having sex and dying from a nasty STD.

3. I’m going to spend the prize money I get from my SEMMY on some sweet dubs for the Hack Mobile.

4. Sergey Brin is drunken ogler of teenage boobs. Who knew?

5. Old people steal.

6. Syzlak is fucked up in the head. Really, really fucked up.

7. My inherent immaturity awesomeness combined with these people’s ad phrase generator lends itself for the awesomest t-shirts ever silk screened.

There you have it.  Was that not the best collection of edumacational links you’ve ever seen?  Truly, this week has been eye opening.  What a crazy, fucked-up place the interweb is.  Amen.

Search Phrase of the Week

January 17, 2008

I took a little break this morning from building the cabinet to house my Cup of Awesomeness to check out a few blog stats.  For a change, the Worst SEO Blog Ever is getting found for phrases other than ones related to poop porn!  Hurray!  It’s nice to see that this blog is appealing to pervos and industry folk alike (and probably a few that qualify as both).  You know me, I’m always trying to build a bridge between different kinds of people, if only to burn that bridge later on.

Anyways, out of all the phrases I was found for yesterday, one stood out.  For one, it wasn’t a single word search, unlike one I got found for on Sunday – “fuckers”.  It was eight words.  8!  Someone searched the interwebs with an eight word long keyword phrase!  Plus, it wasn’t as much as a query as it was a demand.  Someone found the Worst SEO Blog Ever! for an eight word command!  That command you ask?

“let me use msn you fucking stupid asshole” 

Now, while I can agree with the “demander’s” anger, what I don’t agree with is the fact they want to use MSN.  Is this person a fucking idiot?  I don’t care that they think I’m a “fucking stupid asshole”.  Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.   But I will not allow anyone to use MSN.  I forbid this person to use MSN.  If this person uses MSN, they are dead to me.  Has this person not read Syzlak’s excellent post on how asstarded MSN is?  Who uses MSN?  Nobody!  So, in conclusion, before I get back to gilding the SEMMY trophy case, let me offer this bit of bumper sticker advice I co-opted from some drunk driving campaign: Fucking stupid assholes don’t let fucking idiots use MSN.

OMG – Vanessa Fox!!!

January 15, 2008

Someone pointed out yesterday that the SEMMY The Worst SEO Blog Ever! has been nominated for is going to be judged by none other than Vanessa Fox.

Vanessa Fox!

You don’t understand what this does for my fanboydom.

Already I’m imagining receiving my huge-ass winner’s cup up on the stage. I see myself dressed up in an awesome blue and orange NASCAR fire suit while Vanessa hands me my much deserved trophy while Chris Winfield (he’s the other judge, FYI) starts spraying me and the crowd with champagne from one of those giant bottles. Somehow, the trophy is already full of that magical blend of Slurpee and gin. I take a giant drink from it, and with nuclear green slush pouring off my chin, I hoist the cup in the air. The crowd goes ape shit. Camera flashes ricochet light off her gold-sequined dress and she and Chris start clapping. All of a sudden I’m getting showered with flowers and panties and chew cans. Naturally, I protect the contents of the Cup of Awesomeness from all the debris (really, who wants to drink chew, used undies and flowers?) and then take another chug. Somehow I manage to fight off a brainfreeze. After all, I am the embodiment of all things awesome.

Then, as the crowd quiets and I take a more genteel chug from the gigantic Cup of Awesomeness, Vanessa pats me on the back and says, “Mr. SEO Hack, you have ascended to the pinnacle of awesomeness. Congratulations, sir. Well done.”

And there it is – confirmation of my awesomenss from Vanessa Fox. And for once, it’s positive attention! Double bonus points.