Archive for December, 2007

7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week

December 27, 2007

Wow, not only is this a week late, I’m not even going to do one for this week! Yes, I am a dick. But oh well. It’s Christmas and junk. And what a Christmas it has been! From the old man I got a carton of smokes (someone had been watching “The Breakfast Club”) and from the mother-person I got a Walkman tape player and some geetar strings. Great. It’s like they think I’m going to prison and are giving me a vocation and some spending money. So, assuming I don’t do anything to get tossed in the hoosegow New Year’s Eve (which is pretty hard when you plan on spending it holed up with a gallon of gin and a shotgun), you can plan on me resuming my previously scheduled crappiness. But not this week.

1. Microsoft is shittier at the interweb business than I thought. I imagine all those people running Adwords campaigns like the extra exposure.

2. There’s a lot of creepy shit in nature. Those friggin’ fish look like something that fell out of Glenn Barr‘s head.

3. If you’re looking for asstarded webhosting in the UK, look no further than 1&1 Internet, Ltd. Read about they killed Searchguild.

4. If you fuck with Chuck, don’t fear the karate chop, fear the lawyer.

5. Topanga has gone from Boy Meets World to Girl Meets Cell. Hell, I’d have a drinking problem too if I worked with Tyra “Crazy Ass” Banks.

6. JDog is reader of the month! Well, that doesn’t mean a whole helluva’ lot, but the guy did nominate the Worst SEO Blog Ever for something. And hell, it oughtta’ matter for something. So he gets a crappy link from this crappy blog. Plus, that puts him in the ranks of Syzlak and Bagel for SEO Hack loyalists!

7. Emo magic boy Criss Angel can be a douchebag and a lecherer. Keep reaching for that rainbow, er boob in this case, dirtbag.

There you have it. To you and yours happy holidays and shit.

Another Entry for the “Phrases I Hate” List

December 20, 2007

w00t.  What the fuck.

Out of all the ignorant-ass things that are uttered from everybody’s piehole everyday, for some  assinine reason Merriam-Webster decided the word they were gonna’ add to this their dictionary this year was fucking w00t.   What’s even worse is that apparently thousands of dumbasses voted for it.

Maybe I’m out of touch here.  Maybe John Morse was right – what the dictionary needs is a blend of “whimsy and new technology”.  But for some reason I doubt it.  All I see here is a big book of words appealing to a bunch of 20-somethings that still live in mom’s basement while to trying to spin some linkbait junk into something that keeps their pitiful word list relevant to society in general.

Damn I hate that fucking word.  Damn damn damn!   That stupid word make me want to go get all Tipper Gore on a stack of fucking dictionaries.

Syzlak Speaks, Fuckers Listen

December 19, 2007

That’s right folks. When comrade Syzlak throws his pearls of wisdom to the capitalist swine, they gobble them up.

Remember when the S-man called out Express for being a bunch of dumbasses and partying it up like it’s 1993? That’s right. They had something for hipster douchebags to pick out a tie to match their shirt so they didn’t look like total tools when going in for the job-interview that mom set up with one of dad’s business relations. Click on the link to go buy the tie, and sure as shit you were magically transported to fucking nowhere. That’s right. Express didn’t even have a friggin’ online store!!!

Since Syzlak made that post, they have since brought a store online. *GASP* Okay, well, maybe not an online store. But rather their stupid-ass catalog. Just what I wanted. Not the option to buy one of these polyester wonders but the opportunity to look at one of the fucking things. Thanks for nothing, dumbasses.

“You mean this internets thingy isn’t a trend?” Express CEO asks.

“No, apparently people are, well, they’re BUYING things! At the internet!,” exlaims Express CEO Yes Man.

“Gadzooks!” Express CEO said. “Out from under my desk and to the library!” Then they run, holding hands, jump into a Buick Century station wagon made of gold and apparently drive all the way back to the early ’90s.

Well, I imagine that’s how it went. In reality, it speaks less about how fucking ignorant Express is and more to the fact that right under our noses is Mr. Syzlak, who holds a buttload of sway over online business. Nothing gets done online without his knowledge and approval. While Al Gore may have invented the interwebs, it’s Syzlak who rules over them with an iron fist that makes Stalin look like a kitten dressed in a pink dress holding petunias and dancing on rainbows. While some people assume it’s Rand Fishkin or Danny Sullivan that are the evil masterminds behind all things SEO and SEM, in reality it’s Syzlak pulling the strings. When you’re running towards first and your pants are about to burst, it isn’t diarrhea. It’s Syzlak.

As such, I recommend you not only read the Interweb Czar’s blog, but I recommend you study it. Read between the lines. The future is unwritten – mostly because Syzlak hasn’t written it.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

December 14, 2007

1. I’m not the only one finding these people to be a pain in the ass. You know what?!?!?! Who cares if mom and Wayne like you best?!?!?!? You’re still a little bastard!!!!

2. The conventional wisdom of airline travel is much like death – you can’t bring it with you. Or at least you really shouldn’t try to. Really.

3. Vanessa Fox does reads this blog! Or at least posts about her!!! It was still enough positive attention to keep me a VFFB! =) And it shows why she is cool. The connection you should be making here is that people who read this blog, like Vanessa, are cool. People who don’t, like Matt Cutts, are not.

4. There’s a reason math major’s do not get laid. A damn good reason. Other than the fact they’re annoying when they’ve been drinking.

5. Do not piss off Chris Ridings.

6. Doug Benson doesn’t know when to let a joke die.  For God’s sake, that was only funny for a day, if even that!

7.  I might not be able to participate in forums much longer. =(  Stupid smart people always sticking it to the ingarma, ignorumassses, fuck it.  Stupid smart people always sticking it to dumb people.

You People Disgust Me

December 12, 2007

And I’m not talking about the poop porn this time.

I bring you all a little ray of sunshine in the form of Gerry Phillips and what do you all do? You ignore it.

I try to share with you little bit of myself. Show you what makes the Hack smile inside. And what do I get? A great big fuck you. Actually, a fuck you would have been welcomed. But no. No one, save Bagel, has anything to say about a man who can make fart sound songs with his hands.  Hell, no one looked at the damn post.

You people do not deserve Gerry Phillips. Go back to your little cubicles and listen to Britney Aguilera and watch your Bear Force 1 videos. Here’s a man who has something to say. And yeah, it sounds like he may be saying it with his ass when he’s not, but it’s beautiful. What, he’s not pretty like that Chris Crocker fucker? Isn’t an emo magic boy? Doesn’t matter. Mr. Phillips is too good for you. He’s too good for us all.

So I leave you with this. It’s Gerry playing “Don’t Stop Believing”. I haven’t, Gerry. I haven’t.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

December 7, 2007

1. Apparently, David Beckham is sleeping with a gay man.

2. Someone has made a list of all the reasons I’m never invited to company functions.

3. Instead of buying I presents, I should make my family’s Christmas presents this year. Hey, if one of these things is good enough for some Austrian chick, then they’re good enough for my kin.

4.  There’s a t-shirt out there that says why my college edumacation was a total waste of money.

5.  Judging by the haircut and his attire, Frankie Munoz has found a time machine to the early 90’s.

6.   I’m not the only one curious about the mysteries of corn poop.  Seriously though, if there’s one thing you read today, read this.  It’s got the best pictures I’ve seen in some time.

7.  Kanye West’s next single should be “Grave Digger'”.  First his mom, now Evel?  What the hell?  He some sort of Grim Reaper or something?  In all seriousness though, that would suck.  I mean the having assholes like me saying shit like that.  What can I say, I’m a prick.  Sorry about that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Gerry Phillips

December 5, 2007

The interwebs is an amazing place. I was pretty pissed off after posting that last, er, well, post. Yeah, I get sick of that shit. But then, through the magic of 1’s and 0’s by way of one Matt McGee (Master of SEO), a little bit of joy was brought into my dreary, hate-filled day. That angel? Gerry Phillips.

The simple joys of boyhood flooded over me. Fart sounds, burping the alphabet, panhandling for change so I wouldn’t get beaten when I got home – all of it in all of its pure, magical simplicity. Mr. Phillips deserves our adoration and adulation.

In a world LonelyGirl15’s and Chris Crockers, it’s refreshing to see a bonafide, worthy internet celeb. Well, he should be a bigger celeb than those clowns. He’s a manualist, not some whiny-ass fakey persona. Mr. Phillips is a modern-day hero in a world desperately in need of heroes.

Let me leave you with this – a Queen classic rock classic (wow – that’s a lot of class!) that will surely bring you back to the days of youthful indiscretion and making out in mini-vans:

Yes, you can bet your ass I’ll be bringing you another Gerry Phillips masterpiece every week until he gets the wide recognition he deserves. And be sure to look for Mr. Phillips in a future “Final Countdown Throwdown“!

Add This to the “Phrases I Hate” List

December 5, 2007

I’ve been doing research for an upcoming post by reading a thread on that Matt Cutts’ blog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Matt’s a great guy and he helps people and junk. Wonderful. He’s a sheep, I’m a goat. Whatever.

But one thing I keep reading over and over and over is starting to drive me nuts. It’s been a phrase uttered in the SEO sphere as long as I’ve been doing this junk. And I swear to god if I read it again I’m gonna’ climb up a fucking clock tower and start shooting people wearing purple or something. Holy shit it’s driving me nuts.

The phrase, you ask? Surely it can’t be as assinine as Web 2.0 or some other bullshit. Oh no, dearest reader, but it drives me as fucking ape shit bonkers as that. The phrase, Vanna?

“If only people(or spammers) would put their efforts into building great sites with great content instead of all this spammy garbage! Then the search engines wouldn’t have to work so hard and kittens would shit rainbows!”

You’ve seen these lines posted in forums and comments of search marketing blogs all over the internet. They usually begin with “I wish” or “if only” and are followed by some sort of bullshit about great content and effort and some other crap. And usually, they make me want to go set a dumpster on fire.

I mean, what the fuck, people. What the fuck. These kind of people remind me of fucking vegetarians and other kinds of assholes who spew this moralistic sounding garbage to make themselves sound better to the groupthink of whatever sheeple bullshit they’re buying into. Hey asshole, while you’re wishing and if-onlying, why don’t you wish cars ran on dreams? Or a hug could buy a steak dinner? Go give fucking Hugo Chavez a hug or something.

Oh! Here’s a brilliant idea! Why not wish the search engines would find a way to scrub this bullshit from their SERPs and then it would take all the profitability of these “spam” sites? What a novel fucking idea! Instead of relying on us lowly, asstard rejects to clean up the messes they kinda’ create, they do it themselves? Not a bad idea! “I wish the search engines would just redirect all these FUD campaign efforts into building great SERPs with great sites in them!”

When I’m researching how to turn soap into napalm, do I want sift through fifty MFA (called Made For Adsense for a reason . . . ) sites touting the scrubbing power of Dawn? Hell no. But I’m also a grown ass man. I have enough common sense to tell a good listing from a bad one. And it usually only takes one click to figure that shit out (if you see a bunch of Adwords ads on the page, you know it’s probably bullshit). And if I get tired of sorting through paid posts or whatever, I simply leave Google and go to Yahoo! (I would have said MSN but seriously, we all know about Live. What a joke!). How hard is that?