I’m Even MORE Legit, Bitches!

– or –

I Was Relevant Once

HAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAA!  I don’t know why or how, nor do I really care, but on a list of 117 SEO blogs that are worth a shit, this was one of them!!!

Okay, so the post is from March of last year.  But what the hell.  Just like that creepy gym teacher that’s grooming potential minors to have sex with, I’m sayin’ age is nothing but a date, and I don’t care that the date of that post is from last year.  You have to take credit where credit it due, even if, you know, you kind of do it a year later when your unemployed ass has nothing to do but think about your next gin and tonic and watch the new season of Bridezillas (I wonder if divorce lawyers watch this shit to troll for future clients, but anyways, I was gloating).  A win is a fucking win, even if you didn’t realize you won over a year later.  You don’t see those Olympic fuckers sending back medals after it turns out some dirtbag pissed a dirty test, do you?  Exactly.  It’s just like that, sans urine. And medals.  Well, and glory and television coverage.  Other than that, pretty much the same thing.  Except nobody cares about this and for whatever reason they give a shit about the Olympics.

The other thing is, there are some really good fucking SEO blogs on that list!  By people that know shit, nonetheless.  And from a source like Promote My Site (I’m pretty sure they promoto websites or something), that’s gotta count for something too.  So, again, this is a big win.  Me = AWESOME.

Before I wrap this up and have a celebratory beer (should have a half rack if you consider the interest one beer would have had had I had it then.  Wow, that sentence can’t be grammatically correct), I’d like to say thank you to every one of you who have gone and voted for me for the worst blog of all time.   I know beating Perez Hilton is a personal wet dream of mine (I can’t believe I just used “Perez Hilton” and “wet dream” in the same sentence – I think I threw up in my mouth a little) for this honor and likely to only happen once he quits or gets a conscience, but being second is  pretty fucking cool.  Thank you for your support.  Seriously, it’s pretty damn awesome.  Thank you.

Trifecta!

Every once in a while, you get something that is a hat trick of awesomeness, or perhaps not so much, that it just makes you smile. It makes you put down the sniper rifle, look at the sunshine and have smiley thoughts about things like kittens and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bosses caught in compromising positions.

So who do I have to thank for this little piece of cake? Some douche dude named Justin. The hat trick you ask? It’s all from this post about his undying love for the iPhone. Ah yes, the iPhone. We all know how I feel about that by now. “But that’s only one goal,” you point out. Read the last paragraph about he LOOOOOOOOOOVES the Facebook. “Okay, two. So what’s the third?” you ask. He spammed a the Sphinn with it. It’s the trifecta of online douchebaggery!!!

Now, I’m not one to out a blackhat or talk trash about some one running a blog aimed at scoring big Adsense bucks. I’m usually one to say live and let die when it comes to that stuff. But this dopey kid represents all sorts of shit that drives me fucking nuts. First, he’s got one of those stupid hair cuts and is wearing those stupid sunglasses to look all hipsterish or something. Then he loves the fucking iPhone and is telling us how fucking great it is like every other annoying fucking Apple fanboy. Then, at the end he devotes a fucking paragraph to fucking Facebook. And as the cherry on top of this shit pie, he spams an social network devoted to search marketing with it. What a douche.

Well, Justin, assuming this is your real name and your not just some real estate cat trying to work his site up the SERPs with douchey throw away blogs, let me give you some advice. I don’t care about your stupid haircut, nor your sunglasses, nor the fact you love the iPhone and Facebook. I don’t even care that you’re trying to make a few bucks with some affiliate junk. We all need beer money. But when it comes to spamming shit, nothing bugs me more than when it’s done so obviously and ham-handedly.

First, the Sphinn is definitely not your target audience. So that was just stupid and lazy. Study your market a little (I’m thinking douchey frat boys in this instance) and hit them where they live. After all, you’re more likely to get them to click on your ads.

Second, taking advantage of an audience takes time. Running in there, creating a profile and throwing your shit up there does nothing. It’s so fucking obvious, sad, and again, lazy. If you really think we’re that fucking ignant, at least try to trick us by making us believe you’re one of us. Or them, ‘cuz I don’t have much play there these days.

Third, if you’re doing it for the link, then you’re really a fucking dumbshit. A lot of social networks are killing those links, which means the ten minutes you spent registering a profile and tossing that shit on the wall would have been better spent idolizing your hero Joe Francis giving you the reach around. Learn to read.

Justin, buddy, if you think that was a little hard, then I apologize. I do. But you need to learn. Go read some other blogs and shit and don’t come back until you can actually do that shit right without making a total jackass out of yourself.

7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week

Wow, not only is this a week late, I’m not even going to do one for this week! Yes, I am a dick. But oh well. It’s Christmas and junk. And what a Christmas it has been! From the old man I got a carton of smokes (someone had been watching “The Breakfast Club”) and from the mother-person I got a Walkman tape player and some geetar strings. Great. It’s like they think I’m going to prison and are giving me a vocation and some spending money. So, assuming I don’t do anything to get tossed in the hoosegow New Year’s Eve (which is pretty hard when you plan on spending it holed up with a gallon of gin and a shotgun), you can plan on me resuming my previously scheduled crappiness. But not this week.

1. Microsoft is shittier at the interweb business than I thought. I imagine all those people running Adwords campaigns like the extra exposure.

2. There’s a lot of creepy shit in nature. Those friggin’ fish look like something that fell out of Glenn Barr‘s head.

3. If you’re looking for asstarded webhosting in the UK, look no further than 1&1 Internet, Ltd. Read about they killed Searchguild.

4. If you fuck with Chuck, don’t fear the karate chop, fear the lawyer.

5. Topanga has gone from Boy Meets World to Girl Meets Cell. Hell, I’d have a drinking problem too if I worked with Tyra “Crazy Ass” Banks.

6. JDog is reader of the month! Well, that doesn’t mean a whole helluva’ lot, but the guy did nominate the Worst SEO Blog Ever for something. And hell, it oughtta’ matter for something. So he gets a crappy link from this crappy blog. Plus, that puts him in the ranks of Syzlak and Bagel for SEO Hack loyalists!

7. Emo magic boy Criss Angel can be a douchebag and a lecherer. Keep reaching for that rainbow, er boob in this case, dirtbag.

There you have it. To you and yours happy holidays and shit.

SEOmoz Better Than Sphinn!

The numbers don’t lie, folks.

According to the WordPress blog stats thingy, on the day that wonderful angel Rebecca gave me a nice link from SEOmoz, I saw a traffic jump that day to 409. That’s right – 409 views! It was awesome! Record high for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! Needless to say, I knocked off early that day and got drunk. Really drunk. So I’m still finding my socks in the neighbors trees.  And fire is awesome.

Now, that compared to when another SEO angel by the name of Jill linked to one of my articles, Jill Whalen -vs- SEO Hack, from Sphinn.com I noticed a jump in traffic as well. It was respectable (that post alone got 179 views that day alone), and until last week the best jump I’d seen yet. But now – holy cow!

So, instead of looking at various factors and trying to figure out the difference between last month and this month to see why there is a jump, I’m just going to draw a few conclusions without actually really investigating anything (read: I’m a lazy bastard). First conclusion: SEOmoz gets a lot more traffic than Sphinn. Second conclusion: SEOmoz readers are smarter than Sphinn readers. Third conclusion: Sphinn hates me and wants me to die.

In regards to the third conclusion, let me state this:  Sphinn, your kung-fu is no match for my click-pow.  Watch your back.

Will You All Quit Messing With Me?!?!?!!??!?!

Seriously! It’s fucking with my head!

First, a couple of weeks ago, I get a message from WordPress telling my blog was banned, I’m an asshole and that I should have heeded the TOS (this was the same day graywolf gave me the smackdown). Then, after about three or four hours I get an email that says, “Nah, you ain’t banned. There was some sort of mistake.”

Next, I get a visit from none other than THE Michael Gray! Hurrah! Then he starts to tell this joke about a Yahoo Ad exec, MSN UI Engineer and a Googler with a poodle under his arm going to a bar. But he never finishes the joke!!!!!!! I tossed and turned all night wondering how the hell it would end. Needless to say, I am cranky and pissy. And still don’t know what the punchline is. Does the poodle bite the MSN guy because they suck? Does the Yahoo! ad exec buy everybody drinks and they have group hug about how they’ve manipulated the American public to their will?!?!?!?!?!?! What’s the punchline?!?!!?!?!? PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT. Please. That doesn’t show that you’re not humorless; it shows that you’re a mean, mean man. Please tell me how it ends.  Please.

Then Syzlak tells me about something on SEOmoz. I go there, excited. I heard I got a link from those folks earlier. Now what excitement could there be?!?!?!?!?! Something better than a link and a mention? I get there, palms sweaty from, erm, uh, anticipation. Yeah, anticipation. What could I possibly see? There wasn’t anything to see – the blog was down?!?!?!?!?!?! ARRARRGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHHGH!!!!! And now it’s back up!!! So now I look like a jackass!!! Well, er, at least a bigger jackass.

Is there a reason I drink? Probaby, and it has nothing to do with rocking harder than Kid Rock.

Google Is Evil, MyBlogLog Now Sucks & I Rank #5 For “Poop Porn”

Seriously, fifth spot? If only I could sell ads on this damn thing! Who knew anyone would want to watch two turds humping?

So, after my self-imposed ban (read: pouting) over the humorless Michael Gray “burying” one of the posts I sfun (and I thought they could only do that on Digg!), I realized that I have nothing to bitch about. So I swallowed my pride and crawled back. After all, Jill is still there, no?

To my surprise, the front page of Sphinn had nothing about Rand Fishkin and the ne’er do well crew at SEOmoz. Instead, there were all sorts of posts about the evil empire that is Google. Apparently they knocked some points off the toolbar page rank of sites they may or may not believe that are selling links. Well, duh. They said they were gonna’ be assholes about this. They usually do what the say. Didn’t you all see that little asterisk at the end of their mission statement – “Don’t be evil.*”?

Now this is old news, but it doesn’t mean it is any less of a pain in the ass today. Yahoo! bought MyBlogLog and then went and fucked it all up. Did we really need to have it associated with our Yahoo! Accounts? Hell, I didn’t even have one until you people made me go and get one. What the hell? And no, I don’t want one of those stupid-ass icon thingies. Leave me alone about that shit, alright? Enough is e-fucking-nough! Why take something that kicks so much ass and then fuck it up by making it a hassle? Because that’s what it is now – a hassle. Thanks a lot, dipshits.

And I guess I ought to have something about MSN since I’m discussing Google and Yahoo!, but seriously, who the hell uses MSN? Oh, sure, they teamed up with Facebook or something. Yawn. Whatever. Call back when you’re actually relevant. Stupid MSN.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Andy Warhol’s future is today. All I can say is: what the fuck is this world coming to? Holy shit. And I’m just as big a schmuck for even linking to anything about that fool.

2. If you don’t want people making money of your amputated limbs, then pay your friggin’ bills! This is the best story I’ve read in some time. Seriously.

3. Holy shit they’re alive!

4. Once upon a time, Paris Hilton was trying to be a role model. Oh, poor readers of Seventeen. If only they knew how damn funny that magazine cover would be in a year’s time.

5. There’s an audience for every book and you can find that strange ass book on Amazon.

6. The best way to get to the first page of Sphinn is to attack Rand Fishkin, beat up on SEOmoz or discuss how unprofessional Rand and SEOmoz are. Holy shit I’m sick of these posts. Is this the only search marketing firm in the world or something?!?!?!?!? You can bet you ass if I ever post another article on Sphinn it’s gonna’ have the headline “Rand Fishkin Eats Babies” or “SEOmoz Employees Wear Kitten-Skin Jackets”. Sheesh. You got some thoughts on this, Content Girl?

7. Oh, Jamie Foxx, why’d you have turn to be so lame? Those make you as cool as a six year old little girl. No amount of cubic zirconia can hide your newfound lameness.

Well, Hell, That Was a Fun Ride

Holy shit.  I got an article on Sphinn!  And as quickly as the traffic peaked, it’s going back down to the abysmal levels that make me appreciate my three loyal readers.  Thanks, you guys.  Don’t think I forgot about you!  And thank you, Jill.  I wouldn’t have experienced this much fun without you.  =)

So, did I learn anything from this experience?  Sure, I guess.  I mean, I learned a few lessons about eating found food and the stigmas associated with eating said found pizza (such as it’s only okay for homeless people and dogs to eat this stuff), so surely there’s a lesson to be learned here.

Like the road pizza, free is awesome!  Especially when you weren’t looking for it!  Yeah, that’s a good lesson.  I also learned there are some really cool people with a great sense of humor that I respect, such as Ms. Whalen.  These people are like the pepperoni and cheese on that piece of pie.  There are also some whine asses, which are like the Ranch dressing on the road pizza that has turned in the sun, making it not as tasty and giving me a bad case of diarrhea.  I also learned that if I want to be respected by these members of the community and to help them build it in their vision, I need to turn away from the road pizza, and like not eating the road pizza, not write posts on my blog about posts that appear on Sphinn.  But then I realized the road pizza is pretty fucking delicious and to hell with those people!  I want the pizza and I shall eat the pizza – damn the consequences!

So did I really learn anything?  I don’t know.  But I am hungry.

Jill Whalen -vs- SEO Hack

Or, How This Lady is Different Than Gutter Trash Like Me

Recently in everybody’s favorite SEO news and commentary site Sphinn there was a discussion started by respected SEO expert Jill Whalen about the overabundance of posts about some new affiliate scam called BlogRush. Me, being the lazy bastard that I am, have not looked into BlogRush nor will I use it unless our boy Syzlak kicks me in the ass and says I should. Even then I might act more like a child, throw myself on the ground and start shrieking, “I don’t wanna’! You can’t make me! You’re not my real mom!”

Anyways, though I’m lazy and uninterested in this, I, like Ms. Whalen, was sick and tired of all the friggin’ posts about it. I mean, c’mon people!!! Five is overkill! But 148? What the hell? As a result, she started a discussion called “If I see one more Sphinn post about BlogRush I think I’ll puke“. I couldn’t have agreed with her sentiments more. But then it also got me to thinking how I would have phrased that headline and all of her responses to the people directly interfacing with her differently. Then it also got me to realizing this is why she’s respected SEO Jill Whalen and I’m well, I’m SEO Hack.

So, I decided to illustrate for you, dear reader, so you never make the mistake of confusing Ms. Whalen with yours truly.

Jill Whalen’s Headline: If I see one more Sphinn post about BlogRush I think I’ll puke

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: If I see one more Sphinn about BlogRush I’m going to go on a drunken rampage that will result in the deaths of no less than 127 bums. Enough with this crap already!

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to mvandemar Pointing Out the Ironicness or Her Post: Yes, mvandemar, the irony was not lost on me. And I’ll be happy if this post/thread gets deleted as spam with the rest of the blogrush spam posts.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: No shit?!!?!?! Really? Your cunning wit amazes me! Thank you for pointing that out! Shouldn’t you be picking on Rand or something?

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to Andy Beard Whining About Censorship: <<< Absolutely positively. Nothing wrong with censorship. If this was my site, those posts would be dead meat before they ever got published.

Censorship (in real life) only applies to govt. owned things. Not private stuff. Nuke those damn blogrush piece of crap posts!

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: You calling me a Nazi? Just because you have something ignorant to say doesn’t mean you have the right to shove your ignorant comment down my throat. Get bent.

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to Halfdeck Telling Her She’s Like Google for Wanting to Censor These Dumb Ass Posts: Sounding like Google? Thanks, I’d be very happy with that.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: You’re an idiot.

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to g1smd and steaprok Telling Her If She Don’t Like ‘Em Don’t Read ‘Em: Most of them are just morons trying to get clicks to their own affiliate links, or whatever they are. They have just their 1 lowly sphinn.

It’s ridiculous. Sphinn is better than this.

Nuke the F*ckers

(note: Aside from the fact Doug Heil dislikes her, the use of “nuke the f*ckers” here is why I like this gal. Seriously. Some of these pinheads just don’t get it. She’s not afraid to say this is bullshit and knock it off. Plus, she got the f-word in there! Not liked by Dougie, uses the f-word – this is my kind of role model! =) )

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Glad to see you guys are looking forward to this place going down the shitter. You all be providing the ass wipe? Whatever.

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny and Harith About All These Stupid-Assed BlogRush Posts: Exactly, Danny! If nothing else, I hope this discussion about it does serve to stop additional useless posts on the topic.

@Harith, you got it right as well. I do like to review the new topics to find interesting articles for my own knowledge and to Sphinn, but it does get discouraging seeing the same topics over and over.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Glad to see you’re both on my side. Instead of waiting for these to Sphinn-out, let’s NUKE THESE FUCKERS! Yeah!

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny About These Threads Being Affiliate Something Or Other: >>But an affiliate writing an article about Blogrush, using their affiliate code in the article?<<

Really? How is that different than affiliate drops in threads?

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Blah Blah Blah. Nuke the Fuckers!

***********

Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny Making Himself Clear About the Affiliate Drops: Ok, gotcha Danny. I do see the difference.

But I’m still gonna puke. Will try not to get it all over sphinn…

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Oh, okay. But still, NUKE THE FUCKERS!

From the above, you can see the obvious differences between Jill Whalen’s style of communication and my own though we both feel strongly about all those damned BlogRush posts. Jill Whalen – respected member of the SEO community. SEO Hack – not so much.