Archive for February, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

February 29, 2008

1. I was right about that fucking Elmo being a rotten little bastard. Anyone with a sick-ass tickling fetish he’s trying to share with children should’ve been locked up long ago.

2. Hepatitis is putting the “C” in classy for Vegas.

3. MSN must think old people screwing is important or else they wouldn’t have ran this fucking article again. At least we can discern the demographic that uses MSN the most – horny old people with a shitty memory. And don’t ask why I’ve read it twice.

4. Few things are as fun as creepy quotes from Uncle Charlie and Photoshop.

5.  Put a lot of hair on someone’s face and he’s still a total douchebag.  Though, now he’s a hairy douchebag.

6.  Russians aren’t very good babysitters.

7.  The longest running reality TV show in all of television history is about to be unveiled.  For some reason, this thing doesn’t even hold any train wreck appeal for me.

Once Again . . . .

February 28, 2008

. . . . I got nothing.

Sure, I could go on about how hard it’s been to “quit” Ms. Fox or how awesome Ms. Kelley is for paying attention to li’l ol’ me. But you’ve all already heard that.

So, since I’ve got nothing, how about this. You give me something to rant about. Afraid to go off about how your co-worker takes a nasty dump and doesn’t use the spray stuff? Let me get it off your chest for you. Sick of all the people calling you Stinky McStinkerton because you took a nasty dump that the smelly spray stuff couldn’t cover? Let me air your grievance. Want to jump in a car and drive to Redmond to light Microsoft’s headquarters on fire? I’ve got a can of gas. But if you’re just thinking out loud, let me shout it out for you. Mad that you looked for poop porn and only found this crap? Let me at it. Tired of loud mouth assholes doing nothing but ranting and bitching? Let me be the loudmouth asshole for you.

All you gotsta’ do is leave you gripe in my comments, or, if you can find my email address on the godforsaken thing, email it to me. If you can’t find it, then here you go (seohack(at)gmail(dot)com). I’ll pick something and if you like, I’ll even keep it anonymous if you like.

Just like a tick keeps you from getting too much blood in your system, I’m hear to keep you from having too much bitching in your system. So let’s let the good times roll!

Don’t Shit Your Pants!

February 26, 2008

Google is doing a big PageRank update!!!  Oh my god!!!!!

Now you can go back to looking at porn or stealing music from Ghostface Killah on the MySpace.

Why 12-Year-Olds Shouldn’t Use the Interweb

February 26, 2008

While I was trying to find something to give a shit about on hiatus, I didn’t pay any attention to this craphole den of awesomeness very closely. Which means some wet-pantsed little twelve year old got on mommy’s laptop while she was snorting crushed valium answering the phone and decided to post a few enlightening comments. Oh, kids these days! Those little rapscallions!

However, it does bring up something we should take into account with children (or shitty little bot-spammers) being online. While we like to think of these mischievous little monkeys (or Illinois-based bot spammers) spending their days rolling through the ‘burbs on their cute little skateboards, taking turns looking at each others’ “peepees” and generally readying themselves to be a collective pain on societies ass, they really ought to be careful with what they say to whom. For example, comments such as those could really tick someone off. You never know who owns what guns and has what capabilities to track down which little shit stains and cut off their little adorable fingers and shove them down their sweet little pie holes while mommy sits on the couch counting ceiling tiles in a semi-comatose state thanks to the oxycontin the good doctor gave her to help with her “migraines”. And these little darlings also never know what kind of associates people like me, er, rather, anyone has that get off on seeing pure fear in some pissant’s eyes. And never forget there are some people who have nothing but contempt and disgust for some people and see it as their duty eradicate snot-nosed suburban trash (or wanna-be snot-nosed suburban trash, which is much worse and we all know these bot-spammers aspire to be, like a certain “SEO” is) on sight and without prejudice. Ah yes, it can be really dangerous to be a little asshole on the interweb these days.

So, mommy, but down the “diet aids” long enough to make sure Junior isn’t wearing baggy pants and making an ass out of himself online. It’s just a dangerous world we’re living in and I’m just looking out for the best interests of your little shithead!

And if you’re a pissy little bot spammer, you need untuck your weewee from between your legs and man up. An apology goes a long ways to getting negative shit about you taken down, fuckhead.

And if you’re just pissed because you got that post instead of the “poop porn” you so desired, you need to learn to fucking read you ignorant ass pervert. Seriously.

Over A Week Later . . . .

February 25, 2008

  . . . and I still got nothing.

Looks like it’s time to start investing in some shutters or something.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

February 15, 2008

1. Dogs are twisted motherfuckers.

2. Some products are better in concept than in reality.

3. 95% is not enough for some tea pots.

4. Texas is going to be a whole helluva’ lot happier. Well, at least maybe the ladies there will be.

5. Meth makes people stupid. I know that one seems obvious. But the depth of stupidity is pretty incredible.

6. Scotland is a magical place where beer is cheaper than water.

7. I found something I might hate more than Criss Angel – Criss Angel fans. I don’t though. I really can’t stand that magic emo-boy motherfucker. All I can say is this chick is embarrassing to anyone who has ever had ink put to skin. And the fucker who did this should be drug out into the street and forced to watch fucking Mind Freak until he gouges his own eyes out and cuts off his own hand. I wil then take that hand and bitch slap him and that Criss Angel fan girl with it.  At the very least, someone should do her a favor and take her dumb ass in for some fucking tattoo removal.  Stupidest fucking tattoo I’ve seen since some jackass got the Taco Bell chihuahua sitting on the shitter tattooed on his arm.  And that’s pretty stupid.

Oh Boo Hoo! Nobody Likes Us!

February 14, 2008

Reading the comments on Sphinn lately, you’d we were a bunch of people who can’t stand to not be liked. We all watch Anonymous bomb Scientology about being a dangerous cult with amusement, but when a community does it to us, we get our collective panties in a bunch and start whining like the infant industry we are.

Today, I was reading an article on the Sphinn about how the anti-SEO StumbleUpon community are more or less like SEOs and other search marketers. Intriguing article, with some really good points. But my takeaway from the article itself was that Stumblers are more like us than they know, and they need to be nice and give us hugs or some other hippie-bullshit like that instead of getting pissy with us because some people get all uptight about a few search marketers not labeling shit right, whether intentionally or not.

I got to thinking though, if we follow the article’s author’s thoughts through and consider StumbleUpon a search engine, and therefore “Stumble Trolls” as SEOs, are their complaints not unlike all the people whining about the black hats that pushing irrelevant junk up on Google, Yahoo!, MSN, Fooky or what have you? I mean, collectively, we’re pretty good about getting all bent out of shape about these “black hats” working to further their clients’ (or their own) agenda at the perceived peril of the search engines and the quality of their results. Shit, I’m pretty sure it’s all Doug Heil does. So, if we act like that, why in the hell should we be surprised if StumbleUpon zealots and SEO haters act the same? They said they were able to track garbage back to one of our own. With that in mind, can you blame ’em for not liking us?

So first of all, we need to quit whining and worrying about those people not liking us. If you’re going to exploit StumbleUpon for traffic, fine, do it. It’s not like everything Stumbled by a search marketer is total shit. But don’t get all whiny and call the Feds if you get caught and piss some people off. Remember, it’s a community. If you found someone dumping dog shit and trash in your city park, you’d want to beat the hell out of them too. And second, if you’re gonna’ pick a fight with these people, fucking fight already! Quit standing their holding your limp dick and whining. Hit them on the fucking chin! Get them in their house (fiiguratively speaking)! Light their garbage cans on fire! And for the love of everything bright and glorious, don’t act like a chicken shit when they hit back!

With that said, Happy Valentine’s Day.

A Reminder of Why the Apple iPhone Sucks

February 13, 2008

Today, I had this enlightening conversation with our man Syzlak:

[11:38] Syzlak: so the picture is coming….by the end of the week?
[11:38] SEO Hack: i’ll try
[11:38] SEO Hack: how good is your camera phone?
[11:38] Syzlak: quite
[11:39] Syzlak: y?
[11:39] SEO Hack: maybe i take a pic with mine (only 1.3 mp) and send it to you
[11:39] Syzlak: ?
[11:39] Syzlak: why does it matter how good mine is then?
[11:39] SEO Hack: cuz i’m stupid and tired 😉
[11:39] Syzlak: so it matters how good yours is
[11:39] Syzlak: you can’t send it to my phone tho
[11:40] Syzlak: i can’t receive picture messages
[11:40] SEO Hack: that’s what i was afeared of
[11:40] SEO Hack: what the fuck?
[11:40] Syzlak: iphone doesn’t allow
[11:40] SEO Hack: holy shit, are you a hillbilly?
[11:40] SEO Hack: iphone
[11:40] SEO Hack: whoopie doooo
[11:40] SEO Hack: it’s so fucking wonderful that you can’t get image pics
[11:40] SEO Hack: wow
[11:40] SEO Hack: what a wonderful fucking contraption
[11:41] SEO Hack: that steve jobs is a genius
[11:42] SEO Hack: [-o<
[11:42] Syzlak: i never got them on my old phone
[11:42] Syzlak: i would type in the url and do it from my pc
[11:42] SEO Hack: wow
[11:43] Syzlak: too expensive
[11:43] SEO Hack: that’s pretty fucking backwoods
[11:43] Syzlak: and the screen was the size of a stamp
[11:43] SEO Hack: yeah, and those iPhone screens are too tiny to be useful too
[11:43] SEO Hack: [-o<
[11:43] Syzlak: to do it on sprint, you have to have the internet plan which was 30 or so
[11:45] Syzlak: 8o| i take poop on your comments
[11:45] SEO Hack: will your precious fucking iPhone allow you to do that?
[11:46] Syzlak: taking it with your phone can’t be that much easier than taking it with your camera…or are you still taking pictures with that zip drive camera?
[11:46] SEO Hack: hahahahahah – go fuck yourself
[11:47] SEO Hack: 😉
[11:47] Syzlak: so that’s a yes
[11:47] SEO Hack: i have my sketchbook and phone with me, not my Canon
[11:47] Syzlak: have to drive into town to find the one computer that still has those drives eh?
[11:47] SEO Hack: see, my phone is one of those where I can recieve these things called “pictures”
[11:47] SEO Hack: and i can fit my phone in my pocket to take these “pictures”
[11:48] Syzlak: yeah, no one really knows why they didn’t give us picture messages
[11:48] SEO Hack: and if I like, I can share these “pictures” with my “friends” regardless of whether they consider me legitimate or not
[11:48] Syzlak: i think you can send it to me, but i have to log on to find it
[11:48] Syzlak: which would be fine with me
[11:48] Syzlak: just try it, and stop complaining about it
[11:49] Syzlak: oh, and i understand just taking your phone with you, i wouldn’t want to lug that gigantic 5″ floppy drive camera and it’s separate chemical flash pan and the cloak around with me everywhere either
[11:50] Syzlak: not to mention the dial up modem it requires to upload your pictures
[11:50] SEO Hack: that’s cuz you’re a wussy
[11:50] Syzlak: war!
[11:50] SEO Hack: LOL
[11:50] Syzlak: take the damn picture
[11:50] SEO Hack: I would, but I don’t want it to mess up your precious iPhone
[11:51] Syzlak: take it…:o)
[11:51] SEO Hack: are those middle fingers?
[11:51] SEO Hack: if so, awesome
[11:51] SEO Hack: if not, what the hell?
[11:52] Syzlak: dunno
[11:52] SEO Hack: just in case you need a reminder
[11:52] SEO Hack:
[11:53] Syzlak: …
[11:53] SEO Hack: i believe you sent me that a long time ago
[11:54] Syzlak: anytime you want to take that picture, that’s fine…

Holy shit – the iPhone doesn’t allow for getting pics through the telephone? This is the device that’s going to make my life better? What the fucking hell? I do hope some friggin’ Apple fanboys or girls come and get me educated on why this thing is so “awesome”. And to think, I almost signed up for one of those stupid scams to get me one. For shame, Apple. For shame, Steve Jobs. You’ve just made it so all these innocent people will have to upgrade this fucking paper weight just so they can get pics of dogs humping the park from their friends. How do you sleep at night?

I’m a Uniter, Not a Divider

February 12, 2008

Turns out that I’m the one who could turn the reputation of the search industry around. “What’s that?” you ask.

Remember all that bullshit when aimClear was all upset and calling the Feds about some assholes on StumbleUpon after he got one of their compadres banned? And how there was all this hand-wringing and bullshit about the reputation of the search industry and how it needed to be fixed? Then how our boy Syzlak wrote a good, but largely ignored post about our perception and part of the problem we have? Yeah, all that? Well, it turns out I’m the answer to the problem.

You all know how humble I am, so this isn’t just some braggart bragging about how fucking awesome he is, though I am pretty fucking awesome. I think when some people think “SEO Hack”, they automatically think “fucking awesome”. Try it with your friends. But anyways, I digress. When I signed up for StumbleUpon, I immediately had two people come and tell me how awesome I was. Well, actually, they more less stated that I’m an asshole, I don’t belong on StumbleUpon and that if they had their way me and my ilk would be butchered with our guts strung up in the trees while they fucked our severed heads. Hey, it’s their sick fantasy, not mine. But have you seen my review page lately? If you haven’t, shame on you. Seriously, what the hell is your problem? If you have, you will see that one of the mindless haters is being a little more mindful and less of a hater. He actually says I’m okay. I’m okay! Okay, so he just says he retracts his earlier statement. Well, it’s not fucking awesome, but it’s sure a whole helluva’ lot better than having my guts strung up in some tree for magpies to pick at while some weird motherfucker has his or her way with my cranium.

So what am I getting at here? I should be a keynote speaker at SES or SMX, goddammit! That I am fucking awesome and I am the poster child for bridging the gap between the search community and the rest of the world because, to be honest, the rest of you all are really fucking it all up.

Thank you and go sphinn Syzlak’s post.

Good On You, Yahoo!

February 11, 2008

So, Yahoo! told Microsoft to take their bid and more or less shove it up their ass. Yesssss!!!

While they said it was because the Microsoft bid totally “undervalued” Yahoo!. By “undervalue”, I think they meant “fuck it up like a gorilla sitting on an egg.” And by formally reject, I think they meant “go fuck yourselves you Redmond fuck-shit-uppers”.

Microsoft’s response? Well, not get all Jane Austen on all you all, but it reminded me of that fucking preacher-cousin-guy asking what’s her bucket to marry her over and over again in Pride and Prejudice. You know the girl. The one that was talking shit to that one guy about what a prick he was and it turned out it was that other guy was lying and being a total shit head and so she kind of looked like a total bitch ‘cuz she was full of pride and prejudice? And then they all get married or something. Yeah, that preacher cousin guy was asking her. That girl. And he kept asking her again and again and making a total douchebag of hisself. That’s how Microsoft looks. So, in the above example, Microsoft is the douchebaggy preacher-cousin-guy that’s asking his cousin to marry him and Yahoo! is the girl-who-makes-a-total-bitch-of-herself-in-front-of-that-Colin-Firth- guy-and-is-getting-harrassed-by-her-cousin-the-preacher-to- marry-him-and-not-that-other-guy. Man, there’s a lot of weird shit in that book. Would make for one crazy-ass porno. Anyways, that’s how it looks.

Thumbs up, Yahoo! Way to go!