7 Things Twitter Can’t Do

There must be a shortage of new social media communities and junk for us to exploit participate in because everyone is still talking about Twitter. It’s bad enough there’s all this bullshit about how awesome Twitter is on Twitter, and the Twitter love notes makes me want to stab a fucker in the eye, but to clog up the Sphinn with it too? It seems like every thing sfun on the Sphinn is about fucking Twitter (maybe I’m missing a strategy on getting on the first page of the Sphinn . . .)! “Twitter Wrote This Column for Me” or “Twitter Secrets Revealed” or “Twitter: I Twink I Twove You” or “Twitter Helped My Balls Drop“. Enough already. You like Twitter. I get it.

I’m not one to piss on someone’s parade (okay, maybe I am a little) and I’m sure it’s great for marketing to other marketers, but, believe it or not, there are some things Twitter can not do. I know, some of you are staring at the screen, scratching your heads in disbelief. But it’s true and I compiled a list below.

1. Twitter will not cure AIDS (or the HIV). I know it sounds crazy, but some people confuse Twitter with virologists, doctors and scientists. Twitter cannot cure cancer, the common cold or hemroids either. The only thing it’s been proven to cure is copious amounts of free time.

2. Twitter can not prevent global warming. Lemme’ guess, some hippie out there is saying, “Hey man, that’s harsh. If I tweet people about, like, green houses gases, man, we can do something about it! Kill Bush!” Sorry, hippie. By using a computer you’re just making it so more electricity needs to be generated, which just causes more green house gases created by coal fired power plants to be released into the atmosphere. Put down the bong, take a bath and go nuclear.

3. Twitter is not the second coming of Christ. Nor is it the Maitreya Buddha, the Man Child or any other religious figure. Though I think it is achieving cult status.

4. Twitter can not free Tibet. Actually, it does the opposite. Every time some writes something about Twitter, the Chinese government tortures a Tibetan monk.

5. Twitter can not get you laid. I know, you’re thinking you’re meeting all of these interesting people and they’ll find you interesting and then you all will get a hotel room and have an orgy or something. Think about it. First, you have to actually quit using the Twitter to meet people and get naked. Second, if you’re forever talking about what you’re doing, do you think that person you’re hooking up with is going to want to tell people about who you’re screwing? Furthermore, say you do get laid. Do you want that person to put up details about the “great disappointment” on the Twitter?

6. Twitter will not let the dog outside to take a shit. Seriously, it won’t. Just trust me on this one.

7. Twitter will not give you hug. It has no arms, nor a heart. It just wants to suck up your soul and your time.

I know there are plenty of other things the Twitter can’t do, and I assure you there will probably be another list. In the meantime, feel free to check out my Twitter feed.

Holy Shit! It’s Monday Already?

Oh my god.  I don’t even know where last week went.  The last thing I remember was Calacanis saying something along the lines of SEO being a waste of time and then it’s been a blur since then.  Him saying that was like my birthday and Christmas and Halloween being all rolled into one.  And then apparently I got blackout drunk, missed the opportunity to post about it and then missed out on several days.  I’m inclined to say those lost days were probably due to abduction, but let’s face it – I was probably sleeping them off in the ditch somewhere.

So, anyways, Calacanis is dead, and Calacanass is back!  Yes!!!  Merry Chrimbirthoween to me!

And yes, I realize this post is a total cop-out.

SMX Social Media Marketing – Brought to You By Twitter!

So, it looks like SEO conference season is upon us and running full tilt.  Seems like every time I open my inbox, some sales person who gave me a friggin’ pen in exchange for my email address (my ass they were actually giving away a fucking iPod!) are hitting me up and telling me if I’m at the show to stop by their booth.  Sorry people, if I didn’t sign up for whatever program you have by now, I ain’t gonna’.  You might as well dump me off your fucking email list already, alright?  Thank you.

While the SEO conference names all seem to blur together (hell, it might just be two shows, and I’m not bothering to read the fucking emails.  NO! I don’t want to advertise in your friggin’ magazine, alright?), somehow I managed to remember the SMX Social Media Marketing thingy in Long Beach (land o’ Snoop Dogg).  A whole show dedicated to Social Media Marketing?  For reals?  That made a lot of sense.  So I went to the site.

But as I looked through it, it occured to me that while social media is “the place to hang” (god, I sound like a honkey right there.  Oh well, I yam what I yam, and apparently what I yam is a honkey), on the Sphinn it seems like the only thingy loosely related to social media that gets any play is fucking Twitter.  While I was scanning the agenda highlights for SMX Social, I realized all of these are going to devolve into some fucking hand job for Twitter (someone involved with all these SEO conferences must own it.  Damn I’m using a lot of parenthesis in this post!).  So, without further ado, I present the SMX Social agenda highlights and how they relate to Twitter!  Hurrah!

Social Media Marketing Essentials – Basically, this discussion is going to be about how if you haven’t signed up for Twitter, you’re a fucking moron and will be chastised for not having done so.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Linkbait – Chumming for Traffic on Social Media Sites – Did you know that creating compelling linkbait may be a great way to open your site up to new visitors (though short term) and a great source for links (though perhaps off-topic)?  But what makes linkbait great is you can tell all your friends about it via Twitter! Twitter! Twitter! Twitter! Hurraaaay!

Extra! Extra! The Social News Sites – Aha! You thought this wouldn’t be about Twitter?  Dumbass.  Of course it’s going to be about Twitter! How else anyone going to tell people about their posts and articles appearing on these sites?  Twitter.  Any other way is soooooooo 1899.

A Marketer’s Guide to Social Bookmarking & Tagging – Hmm.  This one might not have anything to do with Twitter, unless they’re recommending to get on the Twitter and tell your followers about your bookmarks and junk.  I’m sure Twitter will get mentioned.

Effectively Leveraging Social Networking – The original title for this discussion was “Effectively Leveraging Social Networking with Twitter”.  Or at least that’s what I’m guessing.

Evangelist – The Marketer’s Role in SMM – Finally someone will tell the world what the hell an Evangelist is (I’m guessing cheerleader is more appropriate but looks lousy on a business card).  And this discussion will tell us how these evangelists use Twitter to pimp their company.

Wikipedia, Yahoo Answers & Answer Sharing – I’m guessing this panel will discuss how Wikipedia, Yahoo! Answers and all that will die because Twitter is SOOOOOOOO dreamy!  And Matt McGee will get shit for not having signed up for Twitter.

There you have it.  So now go to my Twitter feed and sign up to follow me, okay? 😉

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week.

Wow, I’m getting these up late.  And to think I almost had it all done yesterday!  But, as you know, I’m a lazy bastard.  Like really fucking lazy.  Like, oh hell, who cares, you get the idea.  And I got nothing.  It’s not like I’m Johnny fucking Carson here.

Anyways, either there was a lot of crazy shit going or a lot people have been thinking the 7 have been sucking.  Oh well.  But if it weren’t for these people sharing things with me, then this week might have really sucked!  Seriously!  I mean, I learned a ton of junk this week with a minimal amount of effort.  And for a lazy asshole such as myself, that’s awesome (however, don’t equate that statement with meaning I was more productive, cuz, again, I’m lazy).  So, without further ado, 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week – A Little Help From My Friends edition (I can’t believe I got to use the word “friends” in relation to myself!):

1. Sexy + crazy = Alicia Keys. But I doubt she can rock the tinfoil helmet like I can.

2. Some big-brained people may be giving us ninjalistic ultra-highspeed internet!  The only downside is the motherfuckers might also destroy the fucking world.  Good thinking, assholes.  I don’t care if it’s only a 1 in 50 million shot.  I kinda’ like living and shit, though for as much bitching as I do I imagine that might surprise some of you.  That better be some super-fucking awesome internet and I better be able to get ahold of that shit.

3. There is a lot to be learned about funeral ettiquite. For example, hugging is good, but groping, not so much. Consoling the mother of the deceased, good. Showing the mother of the deceased porn pics on your cellular communication device, not so good. Bringing the family together in memory of a loved, good. Bringing the family together so they can kick your sorry ass, not so good. Thanks, Comrade Bagel!

4. You don’t fuck with Monica Wilson, do you Syzlak?

5. Rebecca Kelley has been spying on me. Can’t the Hack watch a little hotel porn in peace?!?!?! And yes, I am totally aware that she dropped this link last week and like the little Rebecca Kelley Fanboy that I am, I ran with it. I ran with it like a motherfucker. I ran with it like Monica Wilson’s 15-year-old boy did with her car last weekend. And you know what? I don’t care. That’s what being a fanboy is about. Totally throwing every little bit of pride out the window for a little speck of attention.

6.  We don’t agree on how to spell thing nor on what to name things, but one thing Brits and ‘Mericans (read it again if you think I typed Mexicans!) is that we all have a juvenile sense of humor.  Anyone up for Penetrating Wagner’s Ring?  Heheheh, heheh, it says penetrate.  Tip of the hat to our Man in Manchester. Oh, and read the comments on that, willya?  Just do it.

7.  Everything you need to learn about marketing, public relations, advertising and branding can be summed up by El Tigre.  Why study marketing or advertising in the university when you can just go the internet and learn junk?  Sure, it’s not as easy learning from the TV, but still, it’d save you whole pile of money.  Though, I don’t know if El Tigre hands out diplomas.

So there you have it.  Now, if any of you thought this week sucked, I’m not responsible for much of the above.  Well, some, but not all.  And if you’re all pissed off because I didn’t say anything about the search industry, let’s face it, the search industry was fucking boring this week.  Well, not boring boring, but you know what I’m getting at.  Anyways, time to go drink something!

Query Of The Day – “SEO Hack Sucks”

I’m not sure if I should be alarmed or happy. Apparently someone thinks yours truly sucks. What the hell? Is that you again, dad? If so, it isn’t my fault I turned out this way, alright? So just get the fuck off my back!

But you know what rocks? The Worst SEO Blog Ever! ranks numero uno for that search! In your faces! Yesssss! Though it isn’t much of a surprise, and I’d be the first to tell you I suck (figuratively speaking), it is nice to know that at least I can rank number one for something. And it was also nice to know that there were no blogs or sites dedicated to hating my guts. I mean, for someone to hate someone like me, that person has waaaaaay too much time on their hands. Seriously. I can’t believe someone even wasted their time to look up to see who else hates me. And furthermore, if they think SEO Hack sucks, why bother clicking on my blog? Obviously, this person is an asshole. Again, I’m looking at you, old man . . . .

Anyways, while I’d be concerned that maybe there’s an anti-SEO Hack element in the industry, I can’t be bothered to worry about it. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, namely getting my hands on a box of Trix. And opening my very own Waffle House.

Open Letter to the Jason Gambert Fanboys & the SEO Standards Crowd

Dear People Who Want Other People to Tell Them How to Run Your Business,

You all know how I feel about SEO standards, and lord knows I know how all you all feel. But here’s the deal – you people are dragging me down.

Especially you Jason Gambert fanboys.

Most of the SEO Standards crowd are, for the most part, polite. Sure, some of the conversation has gotten heated, but hey, passionate debate does that and it’s been heated on both sides. But all you all need to police the Gambert fanboys. It’s kind of like keeping your own in check. They’re coming in here and making clowns of themselves and making you people look a little silly. And I think it’s all one dude. But whatever. Just don’t let the vocal minority become your mouthpiece is what I’m getting at.

Next, all you all are gonna’ screw this collection of SEO industry junk up! People are going to start coming here expecting to learn something! I don’t need that kind of shit! That’s way too much pressure! I gave you people my own set of SEO Standards – either follow them or don’t. And I’m guessing you all are in the “don’t” column as I have yet to see any friggin’ silver! And hey, I’m not even strong arming you like Gambert is!

Now I’m going to be serious for a moment. I hear a lot of people demanding friggin’ SEO standards to legitimize the industy, to make us appear to be more than service providers. I read people worrying about others getting scammed and fretting over making “legitimate” search marketers look different than their “black hat” brethren and sisterthen (I know, I know, it isn’t a friggin’ word. Deal with it.). The fact of the matter is that as long as people refuse to do the due diligence research before entering into a partnership with a company, people are going to get scammed. SEO standards will not help these people. Furthermore, just because there are guidelines and badges saying a company is approved, that doesn’t mean that company will not scam anyone; it does not mean that the client won’t feel scammed; it doesn’t mean that the approved company has any ethics. It simply means they paid their money, perhaps signed something and maybe took a test. And if you want SEO standards just so you look better, then you need to hire public relations. There’s a lot more to being a “professional” than simply having standards and guidelines. In the end, SEO standards may just be giving those that are causing all the hand-wringing a way to to look legitimate while screwing over a client.

The bottom line is you can only trust yourself to do what’s right. Spell out what you feel is appropriate and live by it.

Sincerely,

SEO Hack

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

This almost didn’t happen this week. I didn’t learn a whole helluva’ lot and honestly there was too much crap about SEO Standards and junk eating up my bandwidth. And then there’s the whole “job” thing. So yeah, this is kinda’ phoned in. But you know what? I, uh, hell, I got nothing.

1. Some of life’s most important lessons can be learned from drunk chicks.

2. Vanilla Ice doesn’t like bedroom furniture. And he has a wallaroo. And a stupid haircut. Seriously, Vanilla Ice, did you grab a bowl and cut that yourself?

3. As it turns out, Jason Gambert is less of a “clever marketer” (not my words, some other people’s) and more of a strong-arming, SEO Standards Nazi. While he might have failed at getting the SEO-industry at large to jump in line and follow him, he did manage to get a lot of people agree with Doug Heil! And I still contend that he should have hired a lawyer instead of relying on some documents he downloaded from a someplace on the interweb.

4. When something is known, it is impossible to un-know. No amount of eye-bleach will wash the words of the wretched image from your brain. And even if the unknown was unseen, it is still a known that will haunt you when your mind is idle and your imagination is left to wander with a loose rein. All you can hope for is early senility to settle in.

5. Randolph College is about to see a boom in enrollment. And to think I could have gotten so much more out of my educational dollars.

6. Some people just don’t know when to disappear. First of all, the guy gets caught jacking off and peeing in a cup in an upscale neighborhood. Even homeless people know that’s what libraries are for. And you can bet nobody is going to be lining up to shake this guy’s hand while he’s out campaigning. It’s time to throw in the fucking towel already!

7. Syzlak likes playing cricket on the PlayStation almost as much as he like internet gamer tail (his words, not mine!). Me, I don’t like real or fake cricket. And not just because the rules make no sense.

Alright, so there you have it. Phoned in, but there none the less. I’m pretty sure this will cause the remaining three RSS subscribers to dump their feeds. Oh well, it’s a good thing I’m so goddammed good looking.

Jason Gambert – Consider Registering Jackass

On the SEOmoz I was surprised to see some doofus (there are worse names for these kinds of clowns, but seemingly clueless that I like to think of him as being more like Moose out of those old Archie comics) was registering SEO as his trademark. Like he’d get to own the letters or something.

I guess what is even more shocking is the fact he’s gotten so damn far! I mean, seriously, guy, you and your lawyer need to get a clue. As that lawyer who works with Rebecca points out, there’s no way in hell that any judge would reasonably honor that crap even if you did win!

Furthermore, your application says you’ve been using that term since 2007. Two thousand fucking seven?!?!?!? Seriously? Either you really have no clue, are a horrible liar or suffer from honest attorney syndrome. And if it’s honest attorney syndrome, you’re screwed. However, it appears to me he thinks you’re a total tool and is more than happy to dry up your hard earned dough! I don’t know how a contingency contract would work on that, but I pray for your sake that’s how the deal was set up. And if you’re not working with an attorney and got one of those generic trademark registration forms you heard about during the commercial break to Coast to Coast AM, this is exactly why you need to actually hire a friggin’ lawyer!

Lookit, Jason (can I call you Jason?), I enjoy jacking with people as much as the next guy or gal. But this, you’re just looking silly, angry, confused and jackass-ish. I think you ought to just let a sleeping dog lie. I mean, you’re trying to be an SEO for a living, right? All this is doing is making it so if a potential client searches for you to see if you’re legit or not, you’re gonna’ come off as some sort of crazy-ass kook. Cut your losses and comeback to Normal Land before it’s too late. Trust me, it’s a long walk to Normal Land from Kookville.

At any rate, good luck with the trademark thingy and then all the cease and desist letters you’ll be sending out if by some miracle Hell actually does freeze over. I’m sure this won’t be the last we hear from you!

MSN Does Astrology? WTF?

So, the company that can’t seem to seal the deal on the Yahoo! proposal do astrology? How long have they been doing this?

Obviously, they can’t do it worth a shit or they’d figure out how to dominate search. I’m sure it’s in the cards or the runes or something. Either way, they haven’t consulted their astrologer or their astrologer is just bad. Really bad. So bad that they can’t look at the tea leaves or what have you to tell MSN how to gain market share and take over Yahoo!. But while they can’t tell their boss people how to do the search business better, they can recommend what to read. Yeah, based on stereotypes of your sign.

Furthermore, if these people are so bad at search, what makes them think they can find my future?  They outsource this to Yahoo! or Google?

So anyways, way to go MSN. You’ve found yet another way to confound me.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Okay, here’s a warning. This week’s 7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week is really, really crappy. There’s some good links to follow, but really, you’re in for some real disappointment. Furthermore, one of them is something I learned last week!!!

So, I apologize if you were looking for something “important or interesting”, you are going to be severely disappointed. Like, you’re going to want to go outside and start randomly yelling at children and kicking dogs. It isn’t going to be pretty.

1. Being a serial killer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who thinks that Oxy Clean guy is a fucking liar. And oranges – I know right! I mean, I think they taste more yellow than orange to me! That SOOO pisses me off!!! And that Charlie Manson, such a lazy prick. Oh shit, this doesn’t mean . . . . am I, oh, no, of course not . . . . .

2. Doug Heil is my favorite SEO tool.

3. Apparently the Air Force Reserve is going to help America score on pretty drunk chicks at the bar. Seriously, could they have come up with a worse campaign idea?

4. That goddammed Syzlak has been a bad influence on the Muppets.

5. 6 year old + 6 year old + cage = the death of little league baseball. Admit it, the thought of two little kids getting into a brawl warms your heart too.

6. Stephen Colbert sucks at the Twitter. Seriously, ten fucking months and no update? What the hell?

7. Apparently, Matt Cutts isn’t the only that mistakes babies with burritos. Okay, I know this one is a stretch. In order to get this comment, you would have had to read and remembered last week’s 7. And this is proof this week’s 7 really, really sucked. But still, that’s pretty damn funny. I mean, that newspaper clipping. And just so no one gets the wrong idea about me, I DO NOT condone eating babies. I may not be “important or interesting“, but I do not eat babies no think a diet of babies is a good idea. I don’t even like veal. Now, eggs, those are in a different category. I mean, unless it’s a fertilized egg, then it’s likely not a baby. But that’s way off topic. To get back on point, these people thought they found a baby in a garbage can and thought it was a burrito! That’s fucking hilarious!!!!! Unless, of course, you’ve been a baby mistaken for burrito and no one fished you out of the trash. Then that’s just sad and somebody needs to go to jail. So, let me straighten this out. Thinking a burrito is a baby, funny. Eating a baby, not funny, unless it’s a hilariously photoshopped image of a leading Google engineer eating one that looks like a burrito, which is funny. Throwing a burrito in the trash, not funny, but better than throwing it on the ground, which is just littering. Throwing a child in the trash, also not funny and should land you in jail for a very long time.