Archive for October, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 24, 2008

Fuck, this week I had the attention span of a gnat on speed.  There was nothing.  It’s a miracle I ever actually got all the way dressed and went into public.  That’s right – the Hack actually left the compound and went out in public for a little bit.  Then I remembered how dirty and creepy the public is crawled back to the compound for several hours worth of hand-washing.  The things we do for a free drink.  God, I can still feel the fucking bugs crawling all over me.

So, despite the fact my skin feels like it’s crawling and I can’t concentrate, I actually managed to cobble this post together.  All the usual warnings about it wasting your time, pissing you off, sucking horribly, blah blah blah.

1.  Never trust old people.

2.  Some things are way too fucking cool to explain.

3.  Some men are secure with having a shrimp in their pants.   See, that’s supposed to be funny because men don’t like being told they have small penises, but this guy had shrimp in his pants.  Not a small penis, but actual shrimp.  Therefore, small penis equals shrimp, but in this case there were literally shrimp in the guy’s pants.  Hilarious, no?  So, the joke (if that’s what this was) pretty much writes itself.  I should have just linked to the page.  And I don’t know if the guy has a short dick or not.  I only know, from reading the article, he had a bag of shrimp in his pants.  It’s not like he’s my neighbor, who is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at ten in the morning (lucky bastard).   Though, I don’t know the size of my neighbor’s pecker either.  Okay, let’s get off the subject of penises.   This is just getting awkward.

4.  Do NOT piss off Japanese women.  Actually, I highly recommend not pissing off women in general.

5.  If you’re looking to roll and smoke a giant joint made from dollar bills, it’s generally not a good idea to threaten to stab people, especially off duty cops.   All that shit for a lighter?  Seriously?

6.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the Mr. Rogers of the industry – piss enough people off they’ll think you’re an arrogant dick.   Seriously though, is this really the biggest thing we’re worried about?  Some of it sounds like people being pissy for the sake of being pissy and morally outraged (think Doug Heil). Though, I’ve read that thread and I still have no fucking idea how to keep my shit from getting crawled.  Luckily for me, I don’t give a shit.

7.  The most disappointing album in history is about to be released.  Hopefully that free Dr. Pepper will wash the bitter taste of shittiness from our mouths.

Alright, that’s all I have for now.  Let’s go fuck something up now.

Ed Magedson Fucks Goats?

October 22, 2008

So, the weirdest thing is going on. After highlighting RipOffReport.com and then giving Ed “I’m Not An Extortionist, I’m An Asshole” Magedson a nod in the seven, I got an email about the the man himself. Now, being a bit of a consumer advocate myself, I decided I needed to do the right thing and share this note with the public. The author asked to be anonymous, and, like Ed Magedson, I’m taking the writer at his word and am not following up to see if it’s true or not. Apparently Mr. Magedson must have pissed this person off. As it turns out, I’m also now in the reputation management business, so Mr. Magedson, if this offends you, let me know and I can “help” (wink wink, nudge nudge) you “fix” (wink wink, nudge nudge) your reputation on this matter.

Anyways, to the letter!

Dear SEO Hack,

Thank you for shining the light on this Ed Magedson character again. He is out of control and needs to be stop, for the reasons mentioned in your brilliantly written post, but also for another – he won’t quit fucking my goats.

The other night I heard a ruckus in my goat pens. Being in Arizona, and fearing it was the chubacabra, I grabbed my rifle and ran out the door. Sure enough, there was a chubacabra at work, but instead of sucking my goats, he was fucking them! I shined my flashlight, and this crazy, long-haired fellow stood up and hissed and ran off into the night. Figuring it was just a lonely frat boy from Arizona State, I went back inside and went to bed.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. That son of a bitch was back the next night! And the night after that! Then he had the gall to knock on my door and ask for a propholactic! I kindly asked him if he’d quit fucking my goats, but he said, “Do you know who I am? I’m Ed Magedson! I’ll fuck whoever I want! Now give me some rubbers, damn it!” As you can see, I was shocked and a bit pissed off. Not only has he fucked my goats, but because he’s been there so many times, they won’t come in to heat. As a result, I have no replacement goats or a way to grow my herd, but that damn Ed Magedson would probably just fuck them too.

I’m just a humble goat herder trying to scratch out my existence in Arizona. I have enough problems with the coyotes and “goat suckers”, and now this goat fucker is going to bankrupt me. Please let the world know about the TRUE Ed Magedson.

Thank you, you dear, sweet man,

– Anon

Well, I’ll let you make up your own mind. Does Ed Magedson really fuck goats? Like Ed, I can’t vouch for the truthfulness of that email, but obviously he has upset someone and needs to make it right. This may or may not be true, but, like Ed Magedson, I’m not in the fact checking business.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 17, 2008

Man, what a fucked week. And from what I understand, it’s been that way all around. It’s tough all over, and it’s getting tougher every day. What’s the remedy? Fuck if I know. If I knew I’d be in a good fucking mood and sell that shit to all you alls so then you’d be in a good mood. But I don’t. So if you came here looking for kitten kisses and rainbows and unicorn hugs, I’ve got bad news for you. A unicorn will stab your eye out for shits and giggles, that rainbow is from a junked 351 Cleveland that leaked into a fucking puddle at the Walmart and that cat licks its ass. Ain’t nothing good in life.

So, on that happy note, how about the seven things I learned on the interweb this week?

1. Marijuana is a piss poor substitute for legal tender.

2. Perhaps a jury of one’s peers isn’t such a keen idea afterall.

3. Slate has breaking news: fail is a new buzzword! Buzzword FAIL, Slate. I mean, for chrissakes, you people are just now getting hep to that? You all get a time machine to six months ago or something? What the fuck? Welcome to October, 2008, jackasses.

4. You can’t trust cat people. Thievin’ motherfuckers ranking for my crappy post and not even a fucking clean link. What the hell?

5. It sucks to be Joe the Plumber. With friends like McCain and the media, who the hell needs enemies?

6. Colin Farrell is a greasy motherfucker that’s afraid of tall men. Or something. I don’t know. I just wish the motherfucker would take a bath. I mean, that’s a nice suit, and he’s made it all greasy and shit. Perhaps that’s what John Voight is telling him? Okay, I yield. I got nothing. The previous was just me being jealous of Mr. Farrell because he can not bathe for weeks on end and still get frenched by old men and told he’s sexy by old women and if I do the same I get told to burn my clothes and to leave the restaurant because I’m making the other patrons nauseous.

7. Apparently RipoffReport.com founder Bill Magedson did not invent the internet. But he’s still a crazy, handicapped parking spot stealing quasi-legit dick, in my opinion. And apparently my time machine goes back further than the Slate’s does. He’s also reason numero uno on why you should never trust a hippie.

Wow. So I really sucked it up this week. Oh well, let’s go get drunk and shoot some road signs, shall we?  Oh, and great big fat congrats to my positive role model on his engagement to Singer Girl Jen.  Saaaaaaaaalute!  May your children be as awesome as I am.  Well done.

RipoffReport.com Lies?

October 17, 2008

Alright, yeah, I know it’s Friday and I’m supposed to be giving you the 7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week, and I will. Well, I hope to.  See, as I was putting together the 7, I was looking into a post by Wingnut about how to use RipoffReport.com against your competition.  Ah, yes, the good ol’ Ripoff Report.  Lot’s of fun there.  Remember when they had that listing from some random teenage girl who had her boobs ogled by Sergey Brin and then he called up his buddy Larry to join them for some milkshakes or something?  I sure as hell do, so I was going to include it.

The damndest thing happened.  First of all, I actually made an effort to see if I could find the report.  As we all know, not only did RipoffReport.com not invent the internet, they also claim to never erase reports.  So surely a juicy tidbit like Sergey Brin checking out the mamams of teenager would still be there.  After all, they say they win every lawsuit, so surely the mega-rich, Big Brotherly co-founder of Google would be in there, right?  Well, not so much.  My Ripoff Report search yielded only three reports for Sergey Brin.  None of them mentioned staring at boobs.  None of them mentioned breasticles at all.

So, knowing that I wrote something about it, I searched my results and found I did  mention it in a 7 from January.  Sure as shit, I followed the link, and sure as shit I found the report.  Only . . . Sergey Brin mysteriously disappeared from the report and it was about some “Soney Bonoi”.  Huh?  What the fuck?  Where the hell did one of my favorite Russians go and who the hell is this Soney Bonoi?  Further reading led to the conclusion that all instances of “Sergey Brin” were swapped with “Soney Bonoi”.  The question is why?

As someone who hates doing research, and I’ve done too much already, this leads me to a couple of conclusions as to why Ripoff Report fixed this.  First, RipoffReport.com, which, in my opinion, are like grand-standing asshole bullies with their whole “we never lose a lawsuit bitch!” posturing,  are afraid of lawsuits, assuming the suing party has the money to grind them into the ground and changed it to get them off the radar.  But, instead of deleting the report, in order to save face and not lose their thug street cred, simply did a ctrl+h and changed “Sergey Brin” to “Soney Bonoi”.  They can still say they don’t delete reports, they get a potential lawsuit from a big money plaintiff off their lap and still make the general public fear the besmerchment (is that even a real word?) of their good name and having it live forever and ever and ever.  I guess the next conclusion is that the person who filed the report simply got the name of one of Google’s co-founders mixed up with Soney Bonoi.  It’s a simple mistake, really.

So, does RipoffReport.com lie when they say they don’t delete reports? Technically, no.  Though, in my opinion they come off as bullies and assholes that hide behind the law to push some possibly honorable people around, technically they’re not liars. See for yourself.  The report hasn’t been deleted – only “fixed”.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 10, 2008

Alright, while fucking the Streko was playing rockstar this week and riding around in rickshaws with Lisa Barone on his lap and being famous and shit, some of us had to fucking work. Am I whining? Yes. I’m fucking jealous. I wanted ride around in a man-powered cart in the Streko’s lap. And I’m totally secure in my masculinity to admit as much.

I was gonna’ go on and on about my week, but I’ve bored you enough already. Here’s some shit I learned this week. As it turns out, little of it has to do with search engine optimahmization (sorry, Syzlak).

1. Some people like smilies and emoticons way too fucking much. And it’s ‘stache! Not tache! what the fuck is a tache?!?!? This isn’t like everyone changing the meaning of FTW and me not getting the memo, is it?

2. When trapped on a boat, “youngsters” turn into little old ladies, though there’s no word on if they also become chain smokers. Good news to those of you desperately clinging to your youth and afraid of turning 30 – even at 25 you’re apparently still a youngster! And even better news for people who are fans of the word youngster – people still use that word in the new millenium! Hurray! It’s a win for everybody, really.

3. Good news – the severe downturn in the economy is encouraging more high-quality, high-end prostitutes! Bad news – nobody can now afford these higher quality prossies and are stuck with worn-out, crank-addicted streetwalkers of yore. And yes, I just used the word yore.

4. There’s a sure-fire way to fuck up your babies and give them a kafka complex. I have to thank the Bloggess for this one.

5. There’s one compelling argument that will keep me from shoplifting forever.

6. Some people don’t need an economic downturn to fuck up their home values. I keep wondering at which point this person decided this was a really, really, really bad idea? At 80 cats? 70? When the neighbors started pointing her out to her children, saying, “Smell that woman right there? That one that smells like cat piss? She’s a crazy cat lady. If you don’t eat vegetables and finish high school and go to college you’ll become a crazy, smelly cat lady too”?

7. It’s the end of an era. Now I have no excuse to do my Cookie Parade march. Yes, I march for cookies. But not just any cookies – Cookie Parade cookies. Don’t ask what I’ll do for beer or gin.  Hat tip to this classy lady for the bad news.

So, anyways, yeah, a pretty worthless fucking week. Hope you have a good weekend and junk.

It’s Cat Shit Coffee

October 9, 2008

Alright, so there’s always those people that are putting the nastiest shit in their mouths.  Sometimes they have shows on the TV, sometimes they’re just those kind of people.  I’m sure you know some of them.  They’re the kind of people that will say, “Hey, Hack, you have to try this coffee.  It’s like $1,576.89 a pound but it’s so worth it.  It has a nice, nutty flavor.” And then right before you put the cuppa up to your lips they’re all, “Yeah, it’s hard to come by in the States.  It comes from Indonesia  – the coffee berries are picked from the droppings of a rare cat!” And then you’re all, “What the fuck? You’re feeding me cat shit coffee?  You’re an asshole!  And you’re foolish with money!” And then they’re all, “No, I didn’t brew cat poop, I brewed the berries gingerly plucked from the cat shit, er, feline droppings! Once you get passed the fact the coffee berries fermented in a jungle cat’s intestines, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it!” And you’re all, “No, DUDE, if it came from the cat’s asshole, I’m pretty sure it qualifies as cat shit.  Therefore, you’ve brewed a nice steaming cup of cat shit coffee.  If it comes from a cat’s ass, it’s cat shit.  This is cat shit coffee.” And they’re all, “You need to get beyond where the coffee berry came from, man!  Try it!”

This pretty much sums up my opinion of those fucking Windows Mojave commercials.  Microsoft is trying to soft sell cat shit coffee.

See, in those ads, they always try to make the person who hates Vista look like a chump because they like Mojave but hate Vista.  If only that person would change their frame of reference, they’d see that (after being made to look like a fucking jackass) Vista really is a good thing!  These poor, uneducated saps just need to get over their hatred of Vista to know that it’s a superior product!  They need to realize they’re not drinking cat poop, but instead enjoying coffee.  It’s simple, really!

Bullshit.  Of course Microsoft Vista is going to perform like a champ in the hands of a fucking Microsoft employee.  Those sons of bitches know how to use the goddammed thing!  SUHHHHHPRIIIIIIIISE!  Of course it looks great and works perfectly*!  I hate Office 2007.  It’s fucking slow.  And I have to re-educate myself on how to use Word.  WORD.  My fucking Outlook In-box takes a fucking fortnight to load.  And sure, maybe it’d do better if it were on Vista and not XP.  But if I have to learn how to use Word again, what the fuck makes them think I want to learn fucking Windows, er, sorry, VISTA?

I shouldn’t have to change my frame of reference to see how “genius” fucking Vista is.  You people, who can fuck up a wet dream, should build a operating system that WE want to use.  It should be obvious to me how great it is.  Because, in the end, no matter how you try to trick me into drinking it, it’s still fucking cat shit coffee.  And it might be great.  It might be the best shit ever.  But calling me a prejudiced dumb shit isn’t going to get me to sip your cat poop from your cup.

* I have read more than one story where someone was showing off either their latest computer or doing a demonstration and Vista totally fucked up and made these people look like fucking assheads.  And yes, one of these people worked for Microsoft.

Why Bother?

October 7, 2008

So, if you read my last two posts where I openly admitted that they were pretty much a waste of bandwidth because I was more or less ranting against two lame-ass attempts to drive traffic to two sites that have probably been abandoned by now or the owners are either stuck on the toilet with bombastic diarrhea or (fingers crossed) sharing a small cell with a large man for some vile pics found on the hard drive of their computer.  “What gives, Hack, you lazy asshole?  You take a fucking month off and then come back and write two lame-ass rants against some fucking comment spammers?  What the fuck?” you ask.  Well, I’ll tell you.

Believe it or not, though I’m a lazy bastard with little will to do a damn thing right, when I see such laziness and half-assedness, it drives me fucking crazy.   I mean, look at those two link drops!  Look at ’em!  Did the fucker(s) even have a plan when they woke up that morning?  They did a pretty fuck job of it.  If I were gonna’ fucking comment spam some shithole blog, such as this one, I’d at least fucking make it look like my fucking links were a part of the goddammed conversation.  At least, maybe, the fucking blog owner might either let it go under the radar or have a good sense of humor about the fucking thing and let it slide.  But oh hell no.  The motherfuckers didn’t even do that.  The lazy assholes (I’m assuming plural, but if I know if were to make an effort I’d at find they were the same douchebag) just dropped a fucking URL and scrammed.  He (or they) put more effort into picking out a fucking username than those fucking link drops.

So here’s the deal.  If  you’re gonna’ be a comment-spamming asshole, at least do it right.  Put a little copy around your fucking link, and don’t just use the fucking URL.  A little copy might put into context or disguise it.  But in the end, unless you’re hoping my five most loyal readers will just follow your fucking link and go to your shit-ass site, you’re wasting your time.  I haven’t bothered getting rid of the auto-nofollow bit in the comments.

In conclusion, blah blah blah, go fuck yourself.

free-casino-games-online.org Supports NAMBLA?

October 6, 2008

Or maybe they don’t.  Either way, I don’t care.  Both are chock full o’sons of bitches and assholes.  The only thing NAMBLA hasn’t done that pisses me off is hire some fuckhead to comment spam me.  free-casino-games-online.org, well, they have.

I don’t know that free-casino-games-online.org supports NAMBLA, but they might.  I’m not involved with their sponsorship.  Hell, for all I know free-casino-games-online.org might be a NAMBLA front,  you know, to make it look all legit while they diddle little boys.  I guess anything is possible.  But I don’t for sure if they do or not and this is only my opinion.

So, yes, this another “finger exercise” and all it’s going to do is probably net me a bunch of sick fucks who are looking for NAMBLA, and I am NOT referencing the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.  Just what I need to go long with all the people looking for poop porn and pikachu porn – pedophiles.  And again, it’s just my opinion that this “Wendell” is a child molester and that free-casino-games-online.org is a NAMBLA front group.  In real life he’s probably a real, er, stand up guy(?) running a legit online casino.  I can’t believe I wrote that with a straight face.

So, free-casino-games-online.org and “Wendell”, I curse you.  May your body odor cause cats to try and bury you when you go to the beach and your halitosis make you vomit in your own mouth so it worsens said halitosis.  May the toilet seat be up when you go to take a shit in the middle of the night and you mistake your well-worn issue of the Christmas 1986 Fredrich’s of Hollywood catalog for toilet paper.  I curse you and your children and your children’s children, you fucking schmuck.

baccarat9.co.uk Is For Wankers

October 6, 2008

Well, that’s my assumption.  Apparently, baccarat9.co.uk hired some douchebag named “Dwight” to do some link building.  All they got out of fuckhead were some lame-ass comment spam which netted them an awesome ZERO fucking useful links.  Unless someone happened to follow those dodgy links and get them some baccarat.

But let’s be honest.  This post is pretty much a throwaway post.  As soon as baccarat9.co.uk is banned, they’ll move on to bacarrat10.co.uk or something else.  In the end, all that will have happened is that I’ve exercised my fingers and got yet another opportunity to call some douchebag a motherfucker or an asshole.  There is no justice.  This is the way it is and the way it shall be.

Sure, I could go through, do the whole whois gambit and put it up.  But that’s a lot of effort for not a whole lot of, I don’t know, satisfaction? Action?  Something.  So instead I will put a curse on them.

Hear me know, baccarat9.co.uk and the poseur “Dwight”.  May you motherfuckers get diarrhea so bad your assholes burn for an eternity and may every time you comment spam another blog, a pitbull fuck your leg.  May your girlfriends (and/or boyfriends) always have a headache and may your mother call when you’re about to “get it on” (assuming fuckwits such as yourselves ever get laid) and remind you to call your grandma.  This shall be your curse and the curse of your children and your children’s children.

Oh, and yes I used “wanker” because this was a company using a co.uk domain.  I also considered using “twat”, “cunt” and “spotted dick” (I don’t care if it’s a dessert).

And one last thing – fuck you bacharrat9.co.uk.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 3, 2008

Yeah, so it’s been a few weeks since I’ve done this. The funny thing is that only like three people noticed (and only last week at that!). Though, that is about half my readership, so maybe it isn’t so funny. All I know is that it isn’t irony. I don’t know what the fuck irony is half the time, but I sure as hell know it ain’t that. Obviously, I’m not a hipster, but personally I think they just like to use the word “ironic”. And please, if you’re a fucking hipster that happens to stop by, I really don’t care to know what irony is or why your NRA trucker hat is “ironic”. Seriously. Go to Hot Topic or something.

Anyways, while I wish I could wow you with some tale of how I’ve been in jail or on a month-long booze fest, I can’t. Not because a lawyer said it would fuck up my case, but because nothing exciting happened. Not a goddammed thing. No alien anal probes, no liquor store heists, no runs to Mexico for cheap prescription drugs. Nothing. And the real life details would bore the fucking shit out of you. So let’s just leave it at that.

Anyways, I actually kinda’ learned some shit this week. For realsies!

1. Some people don’t like to be called Mel.

2. I need to read me some more Bible, ‘cuz some of this stuff is straight outta’ Penthouse Letters. Seriously though, I think I saw that porno. And I think I have Syzlak to thank for this, but since he don’t come by here anymore to say whether he did or not, fuck him.

3. Heather Locklear may be a crazy bitch, but she takes a fucking HOT mug shot. Don’t deny it – you’d do her too, even with that crazy “I’m gonna’ stab you in the throat and eat your genitals while calmly humming Amazing Grace” eyes. And am I the only one that sometimes gets her mixed up with Heather Thomas? You know, Jody from the Fall Guy? Anyone?

4. After reading some story about some crazy ass woman wearing a cow costume that chased children, blocked traffic and pissed on someone’s porch, all I can think of some half-assed “mad cow” comment. In my defense, the punchline is pretty much that mug shot, which isn’t nearly as hot as Heather Locklear’s. And yes, even with the crazy eyes, she looks fucking HOT. Er, that’s Heather Locklear that looks hot with the crazy eyes, cow lady not so much. Though to be fair, cow lady is wearing the cow costume, so crazy eyes just look crazy. Well, crazier.

5. Google isn’t saying submit to directories anymore. Er, wow?

6. The perfect gift means I can finish my Christmas shopping early. Hope you’re on the Hack’s gift list?

7. Our government is being ran by a bunch of self-servicing (as well as self-serving), back-slapping assholes (TV and the radio helped me come to this conclusion too). I’m so happy they got this whole economy whoopsie-doodle all wrapped up in time for them to do some campaigning in their districts, assuming they fill the cocksucking “plan” with enough fucking pork to get enough assholes to vote for it this afternoon. Fuckers. Thanks, for nothing. And hey, assholes, Sunday morning is NOT a good time to call me to talk about who the fuck I’m voting for. Go fuck yourselves.

Anyways, on that happy note, have a great weekend! Smiles and kisses!