Goodbye, Jill. I Hardly Knew Thee.

So there I was, in my self-imposed exile from SEO, search marketing, social media and all the other bullshit that was once this life of mine.  Life has been good.  I’ve been able to keep myself in ugly shirts, cheap beer and gin.  Whenever it was time to move the trailer house (read: people got tired of me stealing their internet to look at, umm, well you know), there was always just enough gas in the tank to move a block down.  I was living a gypsy’s dream (I was gonna’ say pirate, but I’m so sick of fucking pirates it’s not even funny.  I mean, fucking as in an adjective, not a verb.  For the record, I’ve never fucked a pirate.  Anyways, yay for gypsies, boo for pirates.).

Then, for shits and giggles, I decide to get on the SEL to see what’s shaking.  Now, in the past whenever I’ve decided to check in, it’s been articles about people bitching about the same shit they’ve been bitching about ever since Google was developed and started kicking the shit out of Netscape and AOL and whichever other dinosaurs were out there.  The main difference from what I’ve been able to discern is that instead of a Google Dance, they’re now called “updates” and given cute names like Panda, Penquin and SignUpForAdwords.  And people bitch about their rankings and then people are all “just create good websites” and blah blah blah.  However, this day,at the behest of Comrade Melanie, I sifted though fifty some articles about gaming social media and saw this.  Which led me to read this.

What. The. Hell.

I skip town on an industry for three years and then all of sudden it goes to hell.

There are two people responsible for making SEO what it is.  The first is porn.  Okay, so porn isn’t a person, but if it were, you’d need to buy him drinks at every search conference because we owe everything we have to porn (though I wouldn’t recommend shaking his hand.  Just sayin’.).  So let’s raise a glass to pornagraphy! Hurrah!

And next is Jill Whalen.

If it weren’t for Ms. Whalen, the mantra “create good content” would probably never have been uttered (I think, either way I’m giving her credit).  In a world of hand-wringing, whining, whinging and crying about the injustices of Google and other search engines, Ms. Whalen has always been a cool voice of reason.  In the opinion of this hack, her straightforward advice pretty much became the rule of creating a decent website.  I’m sure there are tons of other personalities that people think deserve this title, and I don’t disagree with their nominations.  But it was Ms. Whalen who helped tame the douchebaggery of this industry, and for that we owe her a debt of gratitude.  And also for giving free advice to anyone who was willing to read it and take it to heart.

So tonight, as you’re saying your prayers or sacrificing a goat on the altar of Sullivan, be sure to thank God or whoever the hell it is you worship that there was a Jill Whalen in our industry once.  We are all better for it.

And good luck, Jill, at your next endeavors and wherever your soul ends up aligned.

7 Obvious Search Industry Predictions for 2010

So, now that I’ve pissed away a month of 2010, I figured, “Hey, now is the perfect time to give my predictions!”  Totally fucking yawn, right?  Anyways, they’re obvious, so that should be even more of a reason for you to play some game on your iPhone instead of reading this drivel while you’re sitting on the shitter.  Oh, don’t tell my you iPhone people don’t use it while you’re sitting on the hopper.  How could you not?  It’s totally made for the toilet!  I imagine that as it was being developed, Jobs was all about making it for bathroom use.

Dev Lackey: Your Highness! We’ve found a way to not only make the iPod more friggin’ awesome, but also more like a “business” tool and sucker people into long term contracts with some cell phone company.

Steve Jobs: Really? What do you have, knave?

Dev Lackey: We call it the iPhone.  You can check email, surf the internet and make phone calls from anywhere, anytime!

Steve Jobs: You mean, I can download while I’m “downloading”?

Dev Lackey: With all due respect sir, you did that joke to death when we developed the Mac Book.  And please don’t make it again when we finally unveil the iPad.

Steve Jobs: Heheheh, you said iPad.  Which marketing douche came up with that name?  Get it?  Douche? ‘Cuz it’s called the iPad?!??!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Laugh with me, knave!  HAHAHAHAHHA!

Dev Lackey: (under breath) Where’s my gun.

Now, since we know that it was created for use in the stall and not the office, I don’t know why in the hell they made the damn thing white.  They should’ve offered it in brown, like Microsoft did with the Zune (too obvious, eh?).  Though, I don’t know who in the hell needs to listen to music while they’re in the bathroom, which really makes you wonder about Microsoft engineers and designers.  But anyways, this post has little to do with iPhone usage trends and more to do with my 7 Search Industry Predictions for 2010.  And yes, I realize some of these may have happened without my knowing since I haven’t been on the internet for over a month.  So, without further delay or narratives . . . .

1.  Google will do something that will get Mr. Gray all pissed off, which will cause him to bitch and moan a lot and I’ll spend some late night trying to decipher the one side of the conversation I’m getting since I don’t follow Matt Cutts.  You can also substitute Google with BlogHer.  And yes, I realize I could just follow Matt Cutts and get the whole conversation.  And yes, I also realize Matt Cutts has nothing to do with BlogHer, so you can’t simply just substitute BlogHer for Google and read this prediction straight through (get off my ass!  Remember . . . I haven’t been online for over a month . . . fuck it).

2.  SEOmoz will do or state something and someone will call them on their shit and then Fishkin will say, “Nuh uh!” while whoever is all pissed off will say, “Uhh huh!” and the whole bruhaha will spill over to the Sfin where I will largely ignore it until somebody who actually pays attention to this Jr. High hallway industry asks me if I’ve heard the latest on it.

3. Twitter will come out with some new “feature” which will piss everyone off, yet no one will leave.

4.  Ms. Whalen will make a fair, honest point on the Sfin and some ass will make an ass out of himself because he’s too busy showing his ass to assess that it was a fair and honest point.

5.  Some asswipe will say “SEO is dead” for attention and then get invited to keynote at a search industry pow wow.

6.  Lisa Barone will write some inflammatory post on that one blog she blogs on and there will be some dude that gets all bent out of shape and goes off on her, while 50 other dudes comment back to her defense.  The truth will be that all 51 of those dudes are hoping to see some knee sock pics, not talk about the post or anything else relevant.  And yes, I’m referring to you, you fucking pervo!  She’s somebody’s sister and daughter, you know!

7.  I’ll make some outrageous promise to claim to be writing on this shitty little blog and then totally renege on it a week later.  Or maybe month.  But probably a week.

So, see you in September!

Oh, So NOW You All Hate the Twitter

Once upon a time, there was this awesome guy who did awesome stuff named SEO Hack.  He was handsome (sorta’, if you squinted).  He was intelligent (well, at least on the short bus).  He had class (he put the ass in class!).  And when this thing called “the Twitter” was rolled out, he stood alone and dared to say he hated it.  All he could think of was telling people when he dropped a deuce, took a piss or watched the neighbor smoke a cigarette (that guy smoked a lot of cigarettes).  He was in the minority, but he cared not.  He hated the Twitter.

And now it’s all he fucking does all day long.  Well, more like occasionally every now and then.  But he does it more than he updates this crappy, forgotten blog.

Anyways, I’ve noticed lately in my Twitter whateverthehellyoucallit that there are a lot of people who hate the whole Retweet button.  They hate it so much, they’re starting to call Twitter names.  Well, maybe not names, but they are pissed about something.  Blog posts have been dedicated to it.  People have gotten on the Sfin and voted to hate it (or something like that; it’s all details, really).  All of a sudden, the microblogging platform that could has pissed off a whole shit load of people.

First off, all you all are late to the “I hate Twitter” party.  I had it already, emptied the keg and turned off the lights.  Where the fuck were all you then?

Secondly, really?  All you all are getting panties all knotted up over a friggin’ button?  I don’t get it.  I mean, it’s not like you have to use the fucking thing!  Don’t like it?  Then don’t use it.  Just get all ol’ skool on that shit and put “RT” in front of your retweets.  Seriously, I can still see them if you do that.  It’s not like they disappeared.  It’s not fucking rocket science.

What I think this boils down to is that people are looking for something to be pissed off at.  Much like a hipster at a fucking hipster convention (lock the doors and burn the building!) trying to be more ironic by mocking his friend’s Atari t-shirt (I know, who’da thunk he had friends?!?!?), the people who are hating on a stupid button are simply looking to be pissed off.  When you look at it, in the whole scheme of things, this retweet button bullshit is small potatoes.  Take it from a guy who’s always tilting at idiotic windmills getting pissed off about stupid shit – it doesn’t matter.  Really,you’re all still gonna’ die in 2012 regardless of your feelings about the stupid retweet button.

So, go ahead and hate the Twitter and bitch about the retweet feature.  I mean, hell, I’m sitting here watching the Golden Girls bitching about people bitching about the retweet thing.  Afterall, bitching and moaning about shit that doesn’t matter IS the American way!

Oh, and whoever voted down Ms. Whalen Jill in the Sphinn comments, you’re a douchebag.

The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Hits 10,000!

Wow, I wasn’t sure if this POS would ever get this far, but it finally did. And yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are. After a brief stint of optimism and, well, cockiness (hell, I was nominated for a couple of awards – can you blame an asshole?), I came back down to earth to realize this is what it is. And what this is is a huge clusterfuck of epic proportions. But it’s my clusterfuck.

Now, do realize that those 10,000 visits are probably from the same four or five people clicking back on a daily basis to see whether or not I’ve been arrested, shit-canned or have given up the ghost. But to those people who keep checking back on a daily basis, thank you.

Speaking of thank you’s, this nightmare would not have gotten as far as it has without the loyalty of my comrades. To these people, who have linked, commented and otherwise given me the reason to dare to dream these big dreams of mediocrity I owe my heartfelt thanks and gratitude. Without them, I would have given this up a while ago.

Comrades and Loyalists
First up is Comrade Syzlak and his search marketing blog, Syzlak SEM. Syzlak has been one of my fiercest critics as one of my fiercest loyalists. When a glitch with WordPress led me to believe I this den of awesomeness had been banned and disabled, Syzlak sprang to action. Comrade Syzlak mounted an underground movement to get the Worst SEO Blog Ever! re-instated. However, as quickly as the rebellion had risen, it died. WordPress sent me an “oopsie” letter and things were quickly brought back to normal.

Also fiercely loyal is Bagel of the humor blog Ration Reality. Unlike Syzlak, she is one of my largest cheerleaders and when it looks like it’s time to put some plywood on the windows, she’s encouraged me to keep churning this crap out. Perhaps it’s because she like the copious amount of linkage, but I never question why. During the revolution that wasn’t a revolution, she also sprang into action and offered her help.

This thank you would suck without including El Tigre. This cat takes a lot of abuse for his love of Tumblr (please come to the light!), but he’s never backed down nor apologized for it. Plus, he’s given me plenty of fodder for the weekly 7. Thanks, El Tigre.

Another loyalist I cannot neglect to thank is JDog. The JDog came out of nowhere and stoked the fire that kept this tire fire burning and stinking up the interweb. Check out his awesome SEM blog and learn some junk.

And then there is Streko, who we give plenty of shit to for never updating his search marketing blog but he always has the time to stop in here and waste some of his precious time. Thanks!

I’d also be remiss for not thanking Miss Melanie for stopping in as much as she does. Another smart person who wades in this gutter on a regular basis, she’s pretty good at flicking me shit here and on the Sphinn. Check out what she has to say at All About Content.

From the Depths of Fanboydom
I also have to thank the folks who’ve put up with my fanboydom. Without these three ladies, I wouldn’t have much to write about. Though I have sullied their good names with my adoration, they haven’t turned me into the local authorities.

Let it be known, I am a Rebecca Kelley Fanboy. Not only does she tolerate my loyalty and requests of hair for a pillow, she’s been known to grace this hellhole with comments and links from SEOmoz (shhhh! Don’t tell the bossman!). Not only have these boosted my spirits, they sent a whole helluva’ lot of traffic this way (well, a lot for me).

I have to also thank Vanessa Fox. The original target of my fanboydom, she took my articles in good humor and didn’t call me an asshole for shifting my loyalty to Rebecca. Plus, she’s even sent a few links my way! Thanks, Vanessa.

Though my official fanboy status goes to Rebecca, I have to give a thank you to Jill Whalen. Good humored and willing to highlight one of my articles on the Sphinn perhaps to the detriment of her professional identity, thank you for the good SEO advice throughout the years.

And To My Readers
I don’t know how you all found this place, but you did, and I appreciate you all coming back time after time. Without you folks, there’s no way in hell I would have gone this far with this thing. I’m not intending to ignore anyone, but a few readers stand out in my mind.

One of which is Matt Davies, who writes seoTunes. I can almost count on seeing his face in my MyBlogLog roll. Thanks for the support and the link!

Also there is Kent Schnepp, who I seem to see less and less of these days but still appreciate his support. Don’t be afraid to waste your time here, Kent! Your clients will never know. 😉

I also can’t forget that guy who works with Rebecca, who stops in on occasion and has promised to do so more often. I’m sure he’ll see this post. And perhaps someday I’ll make an effort to actually learn his name.

And if I’m thanking that guy who works with Rebecca, I better thank that gal who works with Rebecca, Jane Copland. She’s been seen slumming around here on occasion as well.

And finally, last but not least of my loyal readers, there’s the Batwoman, who rarely comments but who’s presence is felt. Thank you.

So, I’m guessing there’s a lot of other people I have to thank, like those at the Rubber Chicken Awards and the Semmy’s. Yeah, you all didn’t think this thing was worth a crap, and you’re probably right. But thank you for the attention and your consideration. It’s made this even more rewarding.

Well, I know I’ve forgotten some folks, but hey, when you’re working on your seventh g-n-t at 6:30 in the evening, you can’t be expected to remember every damn thing. But I want to thank everyone who has stopped in. I know it’s pretty fucking cornball, but I’m drunk and sentimental. But thank you. Thank you all.