SMX West 2010: 7 Questions For Steve Ballmer

So, there I was screwing around on the Twitter, instead doing shit I should be doing like looking for a job or blogging at this little shit hole of mine when I saw Mr. Wall had re-twatted something the Danny had twatted about asking Microsoft Overlord and Dance Dance Revolution Champion Steve Ballmer some questions and junk (holy shit, that was a long sentence. Is it even grammatically kosher?).  Of course, I had some questions for Ballmer.   I started twatting them when I realized it was a huge pain in the ass and perhaps I ought to quit being a lazy asshole and actually make a blog post about it or something.

After a nap and a slice of three day old Dominoes (pizza is made to sit out for three days, right?), and then a couple of ice-cold PBRs (thanks to the last remains of the snow drift I left them in around Christmas time), I decided to get busy.  I know these are questions I’m dying to hear Steve Ballmer answer, and I have a feeling you do too!

1. Where did you learn to dance?  Julliard?

2.  With all the software updates for Windows and the usually negative impact they have on computers running Windows, is it fair to say you’re working hand in glove with Steve Jobs to make people want to buy a Mac?

3.  Do you think you could take your buddy Bill Gates in a fight?  Cuz I totally think you could.  Even without the drugs, I think you’d beat him like a, umm, well, something that beats something very badly.  Not badly like beating him poorly, but you know, like making him look like he got hit by the pain train to Hurtsville with you wearing the conductor’s hat (oh, so know I think of something!).

4. Seriously, Bing?

5.  Is Microsoft’s business model of forcing loyal customers and businesses at knife point to buy the latest version of Windows and other bits of Microsoft software or run the risk of them not being able to use said software and OS with newer versions sustainable?

6.  Will Rachel and Ross ever figure out how to be in love?  I mean, it’s so obvious!

7.  I keep hearing how superior Bing’s image search is compared to Google’s.  Did you have it developed to make it easier for you to search granny porn?  It’s okay if you did, I’m not judging.

Well, that’s all I have.  Mr. Ballmer, if you would like to give me the answers to any of those questions, I’d totally love to hear your thoughts.  And dear reader (cuz I think at this point I only have one . . . ) if you’d like to ask your question here, that’d be fucking rad!

7 Obvious Search Industry Predictions for 2010

So, now that I’ve pissed away a month of 2010, I figured, “Hey, now is the perfect time to give my predictions!”  Totally fucking yawn, right?  Anyways, they’re obvious, so that should be even more of a reason for you to play some game on your iPhone instead of reading this drivel while you’re sitting on the shitter.  Oh, don’t tell my you iPhone people don’t use it while you’re sitting on the hopper.  How could you not?  It’s totally made for the toilet!  I imagine that as it was being developed, Jobs was all about making it for bathroom use.

Dev Lackey: Your Highness! We’ve found a way to not only make the iPod more friggin’ awesome, but also more like a “business” tool and sucker people into long term contracts with some cell phone company.

Steve Jobs: Really? What do you have, knave?

Dev Lackey: We call it the iPhone.  You can check email, surf the internet and make phone calls from anywhere, anytime!

Steve Jobs: You mean, I can download while I’m “downloading”?

Dev Lackey: With all due respect sir, you did that joke to death when we developed the Mac Book.  And please don’t make it again when we finally unveil the iPad.

Steve Jobs: Heheheh, you said iPad.  Which marketing douche came up with that name?  Get it?  Douche? ‘Cuz it’s called the iPad?!??!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Laugh with me, knave!  HAHAHAHAHHA!

Dev Lackey: (under breath) Where’s my gun.

Now, since we know that it was created for use in the stall and not the office, I don’t know why in the hell they made the damn thing white.  They should’ve offered it in brown, like Microsoft did with the Zune (too obvious, eh?).  Though, I don’t know who in the hell needs to listen to music while they’re in the bathroom, which really makes you wonder about Microsoft engineers and designers.  But anyways, this post has little to do with iPhone usage trends and more to do with my 7 Search Industry Predictions for 2010.  And yes, I realize some of these may have happened without my knowing since I haven’t been on the internet for over a month.  So, without further delay or narratives . . . .

1.  Google will do something that will get Mr. Gray all pissed off, which will cause him to bitch and moan a lot and I’ll spend some late night trying to decipher the one side of the conversation I’m getting since I don’t follow Matt Cutts.  You can also substitute Google with BlogHer.  And yes, I realize I could just follow Matt Cutts and get the whole conversation.  And yes, I also realize Matt Cutts has nothing to do with BlogHer, so you can’t simply just substitute BlogHer for Google and read this prediction straight through (get off my ass!  Remember . . . I haven’t been online for over a month . . . fuck it).

2.  SEOmoz will do or state something and someone will call them on their shit and then Fishkin will say, “Nuh uh!” while whoever is all pissed off will say, “Uhh huh!” and the whole bruhaha will spill over to the Sfin where I will largely ignore it until somebody who actually pays attention to this Jr. High hallway industry asks me if I’ve heard the latest on it.

3. Twitter will come out with some new “feature” which will piss everyone off, yet no one will leave.

4.  Ms. Whalen will make a fair, honest point on the Sfin and some ass will make an ass out of himself because he’s too busy showing his ass to assess that it was a fair and honest point.

5.  Some asswipe will say “SEO is dead” for attention and then get invited to keynote at a search industry pow wow.

6.  Lisa Barone will write some inflammatory post on that one blog she blogs on and there will be some dude that gets all bent out of shape and goes off on her, while 50 other dudes comment back to her defense.  The truth will be that all 51 of those dudes are hoping to see some knee sock pics, not talk about the post or anything else relevant.  And yes, I’m referring to you, you fucking pervo!  She’s somebody’s sister and daughter, you know!

7.  I’ll make some outrageous promise to claim to be writing on this shitty little blog and then totally renege on it a week later.  Or maybe month.  But probably a week.

So, see you in September!

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, so after a year of spotty updating, being lazy and plain ol’ fuck all, it seemed like this was another educational week.  You’d think this would be a bit like a bicycle or something – you know, easy to fall of or something.  Anyways, there were some things that seemed like easy homeruns.  But were they?  Oh hell no.  I mean, Li’l Krazy Kim pushes the reset button on North Korean currency and I got nothin’.  Then there’s a punchline in this whole dynamite packing elf and mall santa story, but I just can’t find it.  I mean, that guy’s mugshot is straight up squirrels juggling knives and as I stare into those crazy-ass eyes, I still get nothing. Nada.  And it seems like the motherfucking thing writes itself!

So, anyways, as usual, prepare to be disappointed.

1. It’s good to be rich and famous. Except for that whole wife beating the shit out of you thing when she learns that you’ve been fucking around on her.

2.  I’m glad I’m not a chick. I mean, seriously, 85% of all women will be miserable? And they still can’t pee on tires?  Mother Nature has a fucked up sense of humor.

3.  Old people ruin everything. And by old I mean everyone over 24 years old.  Yeah, that likely means you.  Because, you know, some college kid has more money to spend on stupid shit than you do, you working slob (thanks, mom and dad?).

4.  The Argentinian Legislature are going with a ladder match to pick their next leaders.

5.  Count Chocula’s honkey cousin apparently likes those girly vampire movies too.

6.  Nothing says “creepy as fuck” like digging up your dead wife, making a clay body for her corpse and then sleeping with it.  Except maybe digging a hole next to her grave in the cemetary and sleeping next to said dead wife.  Sweet, but totally fucking creepy.

7.  Twitter is making it so much easier to spot society’s douchebags.

And there you have it.  Have a totally fucked rainbows and unicorns weekend!

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

What a week, huh?  GM files Chapter 11, California is down to its last dime (perfect time for someone to take over a government! Anyone game?) and it looks like David Carradine may have accidentally hung himself doing something he probably didn’t want all of us to know he was into.  Though, there is some good news.  Now that SMX Advanced is over, we can go back to looking at our Twitter feeds without seeing half a dozen twats about what we’re missing every five minutes.

So anyways, when I was putting this together, I was thinking, “Man, this may be the best one yet! Maybe this will be the ticket to regaining the respect of my colleagues.  Maybe I’ll get that coveted fifth reader!”  Then I finished it up and realized that it’s not only not as good as I had hoped, it’s pretty bad.  Like, I might be back to two readers.  I actually put effort into finding and noting stuff all week too and all it got me was this shitty post.  Oh well.  Either way, it was an educational week.

1.  It looks like Obama is going to fix the economny after all.

2.  The Excalibur needs to do a better job of keeping their employees busy.  The only thing sadder than robbing a store for smokes with a sword is using your mom’s Altima for a getaway car.

3.  Who needs Congress when you can leverage ICANN to fuck over the little guy?  Even if you stand to gain from some bullshit like that, you have to admit it’s bullshit.  This is why you should never trust groups of people.

4.  Can white women and black women get along?  Let’s find out with two bikini-clad contestants in a pit of Jell-O or mud!  No?  Panties and a pillow fight?  Ask a stupid-ass question, get a sexist answer.

5.  If California passed a stupid tax, they might actually get over their budget deficit.  What’s even more amazing, one of these stupid assholes actually not only graduated from law school but also passed the fucking Bar exam.  What the hell? Thanks for uncovering this dietary advice, Mr. Pilatowski!

6.  Few things make me laugh and smile as much as the thought of a cat shitting in a toilet.  I’d like to say that the video cracked me up, but thanks to my fucking awesome connectivity from Hughesnet I gave up after waiting ten fucking minutes for the fucking thing to fucking load.  Oh my god I need a fucking drink.  So tell me, did he sit there with a little magazine or newspaper like we do?  Just curious, because, you know, the whole Hughesnet thing and not being able to see that what I am to assume is a fucking awesome video of a cat shitting in a toilet.  Really, my dreams are simple dreams.

7.  A brothel in Nevada is actually creating jobs.   I know a lot of people are syaing this won’t pencil out because of the “needs of a woman”, but to all those naysayers, I disagree.  Men are willing to pay sex.   Imagine how little you’d have to pay them to work in a brothel.  Hell, give them a logo T-shirt and a free dinner at Sizzler and you’d still be turning away applicants.  This will work.

Alright, time to find some pants to wear to the Wal-Mart.  Apparently they’re getting all fancy and junk and are going to require such things now.  Fucking rich people ruin everything.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, so this is really like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb  Last Week and This Week.  But fuck it.  I’ve been a busy bastard!  Okay, maybe busy is a little misleading.  But I’ve had shit to do.  And then there was a long weekend, and as we all know, three day weekends usually start on Thursday because Friday is usually a fuck-around day and then the following Tuesday, you’re still hungover so it’s not even really like that day counts either.  Of course, I’m talking about back when I had a job and stupid shit like showing up to work actually mattered.  And now I wonder why the hell no one will hire my broke-ass.  Anyways, so here’s the junk I learned, with all the usual warnings about being disappointed and junk.

1.  The only thing worse than her stealing a few lines from some blogger is Maureen Dowd’s abuse of makeup.  Yikes!  You could almost float a quarter in that shit!  How’d you like to wake up next to that?  Anways, there’s something to be said about growing old gracefully.  And yes, I realize this looks like a sexist double standard, but the other night I was watching CNBC or something and a guy, yes, an older DUDE, had the same damn problem.  Only, I can’t find a picture of that guy so I’m going to pick on the plagiarist.  What I find more interesting than her clown school face painting job is how quickly this went away.  Maureen, you steal my shit and I swear to god it won’t go away that quickly.  Just warning you.

2.  Some shit just doesn’t make sense.  Not even to Syzlak.

3.  Ms. Rebecca Kelley’s three year blogging anniversary was last week and I totally forgot to get her anything! What kind of creepy interweb stalker forgets an important anniversary like that?

4.  I’m not the only who thinks Ms. Piggy has it going on.  You know, if having sex with puppets wasn’t creepy and junk.

5.  Americans and Mexicans aren’t the only ones seeing Jesus in crazy shit.  Welcome to the club, United Kingdom!  Thanks, Mr. Davies, for bringing this to our attention.

6.  There are now three things in life that you can count on – death, taxes and Microsoft totally sucking at the interweb.  I don’t even know where to start.  But they should smother their marketing team.  Bing – really?  Really?  All that money and they came up with “Bing”?  Frankly, it’s quite amazing they haven’t totally made the X-box fucktarded . . . yet.  And they have such big brains up there!

7.  Carol Bartz is my kind of boss.  I may have a crush on her.

So there it is.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Holy shit.  My password actually friggin’ worked.  Who knew?  It’s like you know when you’re sitting there on the shitter, reading MAD, doing your thing and all of sudden you remember the fucking quadratic equation that you forgot and because of it flunked your advanced algebra class back in high school?  I imagine it’s something like that.

So, anyways, since the password worked and TV has been boring (yes, even Wife Swap can get old on the fifth go round on the entire fucking series), I thought, hey, I think I’ll start spending more time on teh interwebz.  You can cut my unemployment benefits, but you’ll never be able to cut my thirst for freaky-ass internet porn, Mr. Government Man!  Anyways, as such, I gleaned some shit on my travails.  And as always, if anyone happens to accidentally stumble across this, you’re gonna’ be really fucking irritated at this.  I mean, seriously.  It’s been what, six months?  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

1.  I may not actually be the most annoying fucker in social media.  Who knew, right?  Though, I guess you have to be social to be a part of social media and spending my time watching the ladies of Wife Swap annoy the holy fuck out of the families they try to take over and licking Cheeto dust off my fingers isn’t being social.  But hey, score one for the Hack!

2.  Some families are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fucked up than mine.   Thank god my mom didn’t knit.

3.  Apparently, in some sort of bizarro world, there’s a list of the sexiest minds in new media that magically does not have Comrade Melanie or Ms. Rebecca Kelly on it.  Yeah, I know!

4.  It’s a miracle Australia isn’t going broke.   C’mon, Australia, it’s fucking FROG.

5.  Only the Japanese know how to make a woman’s biological clock sexy.  That, or I have some sort of deep seated fetish I am totally unaware of.

6.  A REAL man (not so chick who became a quasi-dude who then became a part chick) gave birth! Yes, follow that link and you’re going to be as totally fucking underwhelmed as I was.  Damn you, FOX news!

7.  Criss Angel is not only a total fucking douchebag, he’s also a total fucking asshole. Give the guy his fucking cat back.

That wasn’t so bad.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week.

So, basically, for the last few months of unemployment, I’ve not been on the interweb so much.  As such, the following is going to totally suck.  Really.  I think your time would be better spent hitting yourself in the balls, or if you don’t have balls, hitting your neighbor in the balls.  Really.  And don’t blame me for it sucking.  Oh hell no.  I’m not taking the fall for this one.  I’m blaming Lifetime and their three hours of Wife Swap they have on every day.  Speaking of which, I gotta’ go.

1.  I told you all the  Twitter was no good.

2.  Someone finally found something good to do with sheep.  Well, besides making tasty street food that the Streko used to torture me about having access to.  Bastard.  I’d be eating Saltines and butter and he’d be all, “Guess what I had for lunch?” and I’d be all, “I dunno.” And he’d be all “Lamb kabob, you poor dumb fucker who doesn’t get to eat tasty lamb and yellow rice!”

3.  Jessica Simpson is exactly as smart as we think she is.

4.  I have nothing to say about this, except that it made Syzlak smile. And if it made him smile, it’s either really fucking awesome or something really fucking horrible.  Either way, it’s better than Al Roker.  So, it must really fucking awesome.  Okay, moving along . . . .

5.  Fred Durst is apparently making his last loop in the fame toilet.  And who knew he was that old?  Now, he just looks like that creepy guy in the bathroom at the bar who’s talking loudly about having banged some hot, young chick a million years ago.  Way to be that creepy guy, Freddy.  Though, to his credit, when’s the last time anyone thought of Fred Durst?

6.  Damn, that Facebook redesign must really be crap.

7.  Criss Angel is still a douchebag.  I’m glad to see some thing never change.

There you have it, assuming you actually made it through this and didn’t take my advise and punch your neighbor in the balls.  I bet you wish you had now.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Fuck, this week I had the attention span of a gnat on speed.  There was nothing.  It’s a miracle I ever actually got all the way dressed and went into public.  That’s right – the Hack actually left the compound and went out in public for a little bit.  Then I remembered how dirty and creepy the public is crawled back to the compound for several hours worth of hand-washing.  The things we do for a free drink.  God, I can still feel the fucking bugs crawling all over me.

So, despite the fact my skin feels like it’s crawling and I can’t concentrate, I actually managed to cobble this post together.  All the usual warnings about it wasting your time, pissing you off, sucking horribly, blah blah blah.

1.  Never trust old people.

2.  Some things are way too fucking cool to explain.

3.  Some men are secure with having a shrimp in their pants.   See, that’s supposed to be funny because men don’t like being told they have small penises, but this guy had shrimp in his pants.  Not a small penis, but actual shrimp.  Therefore, small penis equals shrimp, but in this case there were literally shrimp in the guy’s pants.  Hilarious, no?  So, the joke (if that’s what this was) pretty much writes itself.  I should have just linked to the page.  And I don’t know if the guy has a short dick or not.  I only know, from reading the article, he had a bag of shrimp in his pants.  It’s not like he’s my neighbor, who is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at ten in the morning (lucky bastard).   Though, I don’t know the size of my neighbor’s pecker either.  Okay, let’s get off the subject of penises.   This is just getting awkward.

4.  Do NOT piss off Japanese women.  Actually, I highly recommend not pissing off women in general.

5.  If you’re looking to roll and smoke a giant joint made from dollar bills, it’s generally not a good idea to threaten to stab people, especially off duty cops.   All that shit for a lighter?  Seriously?

6.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the Mr. Rogers of the industry – piss enough people off they’ll think you’re an arrogant dick.   Seriously though, is this really the biggest thing we’re worried about?  Some of it sounds like people being pissy for the sake of being pissy and morally outraged (think Doug Heil). Though, I’ve read that thread and I still have no fucking idea how to keep my shit from getting crawled.  Luckily for me, I don’t give a shit.

7.  The most disappointing album in history is about to be released.  Hopefully that free Dr. Pepper will wash the bitter taste of shittiness from our mouths.

Alright, that’s all I have for now.  Let’s go fuck something up now.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Man, what a fucked week. And from what I understand, it’s been that way all around. It’s tough all over, and it’s getting tougher every day. What’s the remedy? Fuck if I know. If I knew I’d be in a good fucking mood and sell that shit to all you alls so then you’d be in a good mood. But I don’t. So if you came here looking for kitten kisses and rainbows and unicorn hugs, I’ve got bad news for you. A unicorn will stab your eye out for shits and giggles, that rainbow is from a junked 351 Cleveland that leaked into a fucking puddle at the Walmart and that cat licks its ass. Ain’t nothing good in life.

So, on that happy note, how about the seven things I learned on the interweb this week?

1. Marijuana is a piss poor substitute for legal tender.

2. Perhaps a jury of one’s peers isn’t such a keen idea afterall.

3. Slate has breaking news: fail is a new buzzword! Buzzword FAIL, Slate. I mean, for chrissakes, you people are just now getting hep to that? You all get a time machine to six months ago or something? What the fuck? Welcome to October, 2008, jackasses.

4. You can’t trust cat people. Thievin’ motherfuckers ranking for my crappy post and not even a fucking clean link. What the hell?

5. It sucks to be Joe the Plumber. With friends like McCain and the media, who the hell needs enemies?

6. Colin Farrell is a greasy motherfucker that’s afraid of tall men. Or something. I don’t know. I just wish the motherfucker would take a bath. I mean, that’s a nice suit, and he’s made it all greasy and shit. Perhaps that’s what John Voight is telling him? Okay, I yield. I got nothing. The previous was just me being jealous of Mr. Farrell because he can not bathe for weeks on end and still get frenched by old men and told he’s sexy by old women and if I do the same I get told to burn my clothes and to leave the restaurant because I’m making the other patrons nauseous.

7. Apparently RipoffReport.com founder Bill Magedson did not invent the internet. But he’s still a crazy, handicapped parking spot stealing quasi-legit dick, in my opinion. And apparently my time machine goes back further than the Slate’s does. He’s also reason numero uno on why you should never trust a hippie.

Wow. So I really sucked it up this week. Oh well, let’s go get drunk and shoot some road signs, shall we?  Oh, and great big fat congrats to my positive role model on his engagement to Singer Girl Jen.  Saaaaaaaaalute!  May your children be as awesome as I am.  Well done.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, while fucking the Streko was playing rockstar this week and riding around in rickshaws with Lisa Barone on his lap and being famous and shit, some of us had to fucking work. Am I whining? Yes. I’m fucking jealous. I wanted ride around in a man-powered cart in the Streko’s lap. And I’m totally secure in my masculinity to admit as much.

I was gonna’ go on and on about my week, but I’ve bored you enough already. Here’s some shit I learned this week. As it turns out, little of it has to do with search engine optimahmization (sorry, Syzlak).

1. Some people like smilies and emoticons way too fucking much. And it’s ‘stache! Not tache! what the fuck is a tache?!?!? This isn’t like everyone changing the meaning of FTW and me not getting the memo, is it?

2. When trapped on a boat, “youngsters” turn into little old ladies, though there’s no word on if they also become chain smokers. Good news to those of you desperately clinging to your youth and afraid of turning 30 – even at 25 you’re apparently still a youngster! And even better news for people who are fans of the word youngster – people still use that word in the new millenium! Hurray! It’s a win for everybody, really.

3. Good news – the severe downturn in the economy is encouraging more high-quality, high-end prostitutes! Bad news – nobody can now afford these higher quality prossies and are stuck with worn-out, crank-addicted streetwalkers of yore. And yes, I just used the word yore.

4. There’s a sure-fire way to fuck up your babies and give them a kafka complex. I have to thank the Bloggess for this one.

5. There’s one compelling argument that will keep me from shoplifting forever.

6. Some people don’t need an economic downturn to fuck up their home values. I keep wondering at which point this person decided this was a really, really, really bad idea? At 80 cats? 70? When the neighbors started pointing her out to her children, saying, “Smell that woman right there? That one that smells like cat piss? She’s a crazy cat lady. If you don’t eat vegetables and finish high school and go to college you’ll become a crazy, smelly cat lady too”?

7. It’s the end of an era. Now I have no excuse to do my Cookie Parade march. Yes, I march for cookies. But not just any cookies – Cookie Parade cookies. Don’t ask what I’ll do for beer or gin.  Hat tip to this classy lady for the bad news.

So, anyways, yeah, a pretty worthless fucking week. Hope you have a good weekend and junk.