Archive for December, 2009

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

December 4, 2009

Alright, so after a year of spotty updating, being lazy and plain ol’ fuck all, it seemed like this was another educational week.  You’d think this would be a bit like a bicycle or something – you know, easy to fall of or something.  Anyways, there were some things that seemed like easy homeruns.  But were they?  Oh hell no.  I mean, Li’l Krazy Kim pushes the reset button on North Korean currency and I got nothin’.  Then there’s a punchline in this whole dynamite packing elf and mall santa story, but I just can’t find it.  I mean, that guy’s mugshot is straight up squirrels juggling knives and as I stare into those crazy-ass eyes, I still get nothing. Nada.  And it seems like the motherfucking thing writes itself!

So, anyways, as usual, prepare to be disappointed.

1. It’s good to be rich and famous. Except for that whole wife beating the shit out of you thing when she learns that you’ve been fucking around on her.

2.  I’m glad I’m not a chick. I mean, seriously, 85% of all women will be miserable? And they still can’t pee on tires?  Mother Nature has a fucked up sense of humor.

3.  Old people ruin everything. And by old I mean everyone over 24 years old.  Yeah, that likely means you.  Because, you know, some college kid has more money to spend on stupid shit than you do, you working slob (thanks, mom and dad?).

4.  The Argentinian Legislature are going with a ladder match to pick their next leaders.

5.  Count Chocula’s honkey cousin apparently likes those girly vampire movies too.

6.  Nothing says “creepy as fuck” like digging up your dead wife, making a clay body for her corpse and then sleeping with it.  Except maybe digging a hole next to her grave in the cemetary and sleeping next to said dead wife.  Sweet, but totally fucking creepy.

7.  Twitter is making it so much easier to spot society’s douchebags.

And there you have it.  Have a totally fucked rainbows and unicorns weekend!

Today Is The Day . . . .

December 3, 2009

No, not that day.  You know, the one where you decide to get your shit together and become a decent person?  Oh hell no.  Today is not that day.

Today is the day the officially marks the phone call I received from Company X where they said, “Hey, the economy is in the shitter, so we getting rid of your sorry ass.  Have a Merry Christmas.”  I wonder if they canned me then and not after the holiday so they wouldn’t have to buy me a present.

But it gets better than that.

When I was signing my “shitcanned papers”, part of them said that I couldn’t talk shit about them until after a year had gone by.  So, patiently, I’ve waited.  I’ve watched their missteps and hamhanded handling of certain situations and, instead of gloating, kept my mouth shut.  It was part of the agreement, and though I may be an asshole, I’m an honorable asshole.  And besides, they did a pretty good job of mucking it up.

So, how am I going to celebrate this momentous occasion?

The same way I did when I got laid off.  By getting drunk.

Have a good day, all you all.

Oh, So NOW You All Hate the Twitter

December 2, 2009

Once upon a time, there was this awesome guy who did awesome stuff named SEO Hack.  He was handsome (sorta’, if you squinted).  He was intelligent (well, at least on the short bus).  He had class (he put the ass in class!).  And when this thing called “the Twitter” was rolled out, he stood alone and dared to say he hated it.  All he could think of was telling people when he dropped a deuce, took a piss or watched the neighbor smoke a cigarette (that guy smoked a lot of cigarettes).  He was in the minority, but he cared not.  He hated the Twitter.

And now it’s all he fucking does all day long.  Well, more like occasionally every now and then.  But he does it more than he updates this crappy, forgotten blog.

Anyways, I’ve noticed lately in my Twitter whateverthehellyoucallit that there are a lot of people who hate the whole Retweet button.  They hate it so much, they’re starting to call Twitter names.  Well, maybe not names, but they are pissed about something.  Blog posts have been dedicated to it.  People have gotten on the Sfin and voted to hate it (or something like that; it’s all details, really).  All of a sudden, the microblogging platform that could has pissed off a whole shit load of people.

First off, all you all are late to the “I hate Twitter” party.  I had it already, emptied the keg and turned off the lights.  Where the fuck were all you then?

Secondly, really?  All you all are getting panties all knotted up over a friggin’ button?  I don’t get it.  I mean, it’s not like you have to use the fucking thing!  Don’t like it?  Then don’t use it.  Just get all ol’ skool on that shit and put “RT” in front of your retweets.  Seriously, I can still see them if you do that.  It’s not like they disappeared.  It’s not fucking rocket science.

What I think this boils down to is that people are looking for something to be pissed off at.  Much like a hipster at a fucking hipster convention (lock the doors and burn the building!) trying to be more ironic by mocking his friend’s Atari t-shirt (I know, who’da thunk he had friends?!?!?), the people who are hating on a stupid button are simply looking to be pissed off.  When you look at it, in the whole scheme of things, this retweet button bullshit is small potatoes.  Take it from a guy who’s always tilting at idiotic windmills getting pissed off about stupid shit – it doesn’t matter.  Really,you’re all still gonna’ die in 2012 regardless of your feelings about the stupid retweet button.

So, go ahead and hate the Twitter and bitch about the retweet feature.  I mean, hell, I’m sitting here watching the Golden Girls bitching about people bitching about the retweet thing.  Afterall, bitching and moaning about shit that doesn’t matter IS the American way!

Oh, and whoever voted down Ms. Whalen Jill in the Sphinn comments, you’re a douchebag.