Archive for March, 2008

The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Hits 10,000!

March 29, 2008

Wow, I wasn’t sure if this POS would ever get this far, but it finally did. And yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are. After a brief stint of optimism and, well, cockiness (hell, I was nominated for a couple of awards – can you blame an asshole?), I came back down to earth to realize this is what it is. And what this is is a huge clusterfuck of epic proportions. But it’s my clusterfuck.

Now, do realize that those 10,000 visits are probably from the same four or five people clicking back on a daily basis to see whether or not I’ve been arrested, shit-canned or have given up the ghost. But to those people who keep checking back on a daily basis, thank you.

Speaking of thank you’s, this nightmare would not have gotten as far as it has without the loyalty of my comrades. To these people, who have linked, commented and otherwise given me the reason to dare to dream these big dreams of mediocrity I owe my heartfelt thanks and gratitude. Without them, I would have given this up a while ago.

Comrades and Loyalists
First up is Comrade Syzlak and his search marketing blog, Syzlak SEM. Syzlak has been one of my fiercest critics as one of my fiercest loyalists. When a glitch with WordPress led me to believe I this den of awesomeness had been banned and disabled, Syzlak sprang to action. Comrade Syzlak mounted an underground movement to get the Worst SEO Blog Ever! re-instated. However, as quickly as the rebellion had risen, it died. WordPress sent me an “oopsie” letter and things were quickly brought back to normal.

Also fiercely loyal is Bagel of the humor blog Ration Reality. Unlike Syzlak, she is one of my largest cheerleaders and when it looks like it’s time to put some plywood on the windows, she’s encouraged me to keep churning this crap out. Perhaps it’s because she like the copious amount of linkage, but I never question why. During the revolution that wasn’t a revolution, she also sprang into action and offered her help.

This thank you would suck without including El Tigre. This cat takes a lot of abuse for his love of Tumblr (please come to the light!), but he’s never backed down nor apologized for it. Plus, he’s given me plenty of fodder for the weekly 7. Thanks, El Tigre.

Another loyalist I cannot neglect to thank is JDog. The JDog came out of nowhere and stoked the fire that kept this tire fire burning and stinking up the interweb. Check out his awesome SEM blog and learn some junk.

And then there is Streko, who we give plenty of shit to for never updating his search marketing blog but he always has the time to stop in here and waste some of his precious time. Thanks!

I’d also be remiss for not thanking Miss Melanie for stopping in as much as she does. Another smart person who wades in this gutter on a regular basis, she’s pretty good at flicking me shit here and on the Sphinn. Check out what she has to say at All About Content.

From the Depths of Fanboydom
I also have to thank the folks who’ve put up with my fanboydom. Without these three ladies, I wouldn’t have much to write about. Though I have sullied their good names with my adoration, they haven’t turned me into the local authorities.

Let it be known, I am a Rebecca Kelley Fanboy. Not only does she tolerate my loyalty and requests of hair for a pillow, she’s been known to grace this hellhole with comments and links from SEOmoz (shhhh! Don’t tell the bossman!). Not only have these boosted my spirits, they sent a whole helluva’ lot of traffic this way (well, a lot for me).

I have to also thank Vanessa Fox. The original target of my fanboydom, she took my articles in good humor and didn’t call me an asshole for shifting my loyalty to Rebecca. Plus, she’s even sent a few links my way! Thanks, Vanessa.

Though my official fanboy status goes to Rebecca, I have to give a thank you to Jill Whalen. Good humored and willing to highlight one of my articles on the Sphinn perhaps to the detriment of her professional identity, thank you for the good SEO advice throughout the years.

And To My Readers
I don’t know how you all found this place, but you did, and I appreciate you all coming back time after time. Without you folks, there’s no way in hell I would have gone this far with this thing. I’m not intending to ignore anyone, but a few readers stand out in my mind.

One of which is Matt Davies, who writes seoTunes. I can almost count on seeing his face in my MyBlogLog roll. Thanks for the support and the link!

Also there is Kent Schnepp, who I seem to see less and less of these days but still appreciate his support. Don’t be afraid to waste your time here, Kent! Your clients will never know. 😉

I also can’t forget that guy who works with Rebecca, who stops in on occasion and has promised to do so more often. I’m sure he’ll see this post. And perhaps someday I’ll make an effort to actually learn his name.

And if I’m thanking that guy who works with Rebecca, I better thank that gal who works with Rebecca, Jane Copland. She’s been seen slumming around here on occasion as well.

And finally, last but not least of my loyal readers, there’s the Batwoman, who rarely comments but who’s presence is felt. Thank you.

So, I’m guessing there’s a lot of other people I have to thank, like those at the Rubber Chicken Awards and the Semmy’s. Yeah, you all didn’t think this thing was worth a crap, and you’re probably right. But thank you for the attention and your consideration. It’s made this even more rewarding.

Well, I know I’ve forgotten some folks, but hey, when you’re working on your seventh g-n-t at 6:30 in the evening, you can’t be expected to remember every damn thing. But I want to thank everyone who has stopped in. I know it’s pretty fucking cornball, but I’m drunk and sentimental. But thank you. Thank you all.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

March 28, 2008

Alright, I’m gonna’ level with you all. This week pretty much sucked and you can tell by reading below. The stupid “job-thing” got in the way of me finding anything “mind-blowing” and “learning” anything (except how to use quotation marks!). Yeah, there was some pretty bizarre shit out there, like that crazy book Bagel pointed out at her humor blog or that picture of Matt Cutts Streko shared with me. But pretty much you’re going to read the below, get pissed that you bothered reading this shit and then either send me hate mail (seohack {at} gmail {dot} com) or, if you’re one of the 3 people subscribing to the RSS, dump my feed. But hey, you gotta’ do what you gotta’ do and I gotta’ do what I gotta’ do. So, with out any further ado, let’s jump into this shit puddle!

1. Matt Cutts loves babies. A lot. Perhaps with salsa even.

2. I’m not the only one who thinks there can be too much Robin Williams. Though, thankfully I never had live with the bastard. Sometimes I just want reach through the TV and yell, “Hey! We get it!!! You were all hopped up on coke and now you ain’t!!! But you’re still “wacky” and “edgy”!!!!! Now get the fuck off my fucking TV!!!!!”

3. Apparently it costs $5,000 to keep oneself relevant.

4. Crappy goth poetry + ALL CAPS = The Shit of God? No, it’s pretty much just general everyday shit. And the video pretty much represents everything wrong with the YouTube.

5. Sometimes, some people(s?) in this industry make no sense. I’ve read this five times and it still makes no fucking sense. God, I hope they explain shit better than this to their clients. I think El Tigre summarizes it best.

6. As it turns out Rick Astley is not dead. I mean, literally dead and not alive because Syzlak’s favorite past time is making him popular again. And it seems like he’s pretty cool. And it turns out he’s white – not just white, but English white! I’m guessing I’m the last person to have figured that one out and you all knew that. I’m going to go back under that rock I crawled out from under.  But that story did appear in the LA Times, so maybe he dead?

7. Poison Drummer To Star In New Vh1 Series, Rape Of Love . You’re gonna’ realize this when you click that link, I didn’t write that headline but I so wish I did. Hell, they even used the <em> tag. The fucking <em> tag!!!!! Me, I would have totally fucked that up and took it straight to the gutter with something like “Rikki Rocket Getting A Rocket Ride of His Own – UP THE ASS in a Mississippi Hoosegow!!!” See, you would know it’s mine from the excessive exclamation marks and the reference to male prison butt rape. I was trying to find a way to work “meat rocket” into it, but came up, erm, short. But those geniuses at BestWeekEver.tv, man! They’re so good. Oh – and he’s innocent until proven guilty and all that stuff.

British Company Stalks Children, Does SEO

March 25, 2008

I wish I could take credit for finding this, but all credit goes to Mr. Davies at seoTunes.  In his post, he found some jackasses that decided to name their company Web Predators.

Yes.  For realsies.  Follow the link on his site.

Now, I realize (that’s realise for our British friends!) that sometime words over there mean different things over here.  For example, saying some chick is full of spunk might get a few giggles from our British counterparts where over here in the US we’d just think the girl was spirited.  Anyways, since this was pointed out by our man in Manchester, I don’t think this is a difference between American English and, er, English English.

I imagine their name-deciding meeting went something like this:

workerman: Allowe guvnuh!

bossman: Allowe, Wembley.  ‘Ou finished stuffin’ those title tags, eh?

workerman: Aye, Mr. Winston Churchhill, aye am.  An’ aye ‘ad me a wee bit uv an ideer.  We need to give this company a name, no?  Ow bout sumtin’ a wee dangerous soundin’.  Sumtin’ that’s a bit edgy . . . .

bossman: A’aight.  Go on then.

workerman: A’aight then, Mr. Winston Churchill.  Aye uz tinkin’ sumtin’ along the lines of Web Predator.  Sounds a bit vicious, eh?

bossman:  Aye, it does, Mr. Wembley.  Aye, it does.  But don’t ‘ou worry it might sound like we’re pedophiles?  Like we bugger wee ones?

workerman:  Aye, I suppose it does, Mr. Winston Churchill.  A’aight, then.  We’ll put a shark in the logo.  No one will mistake a shark for un of ’em pederphiles.

bossman:  Done and done then.  Good work, Mr. Wembley.  Now let’s ‘ave us a spot of tea!

Anyways, that’s how I imagined it went.  But the point has less to do with my poorly done British accent and general lack of knowledge of all things English and more to do with that if you’re going to run a business, either online or off, think about your fucking name!!!   I realize there are some in the search industry that view SEO not as marketing but as the implementation of tactics to associate keywords with pages and getting those pages indexed.  Who fucking cares?!?!?!?!?!  You pick a shitty name, they’re gonna’ think you go online trolling for children to rape!  It doesn’t matter if you don’t see yourself as a marketer – and by picking a horrible name like “Web Predator” it proves you aren’t one.

Again, thank you, Mr. Davies, for the laugh.  And thank you to the Web Predator team (webpredator.co.uk) for doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Keyword Phrase of the Week: Poop Porn 2.0

March 21, 2008

That’s right, kiddies, the Worst SEO Blog Ever! has been found for the query “poop porn 2.0” (spot #2!  heheheh, number two . . . .).  Since web 2.0 (gawd I still hate that fucking phrase) was supposed of offer users a more interactive experience, I hate to think what poop porn 2.0 will bring.  I recommend washing your hands and keeping a garbage can handy.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

March 21, 2008

1. Wanna’ go as Joe Francis for Easter? What? Not all holidays involving candy mean you have to get dressed up as someone? Whatever. At any rate, someone was kind enough to compile a list so you can look the part.

2. If a crazy bitch locks herself in the bathroom of your trailer, give her a day, maybe a week, or hell, even a month, to get the hell out before calling the cops. Whatever the hell you do, DO NOT wait two fucking years to do it! And make sure she’s taking a fucking bath! Crazy people don’t always bathe!

3. Every time I start sounding like some sort of paranoid conspiracy nut, Big Brother comes along to prove me right. But! Those bastards won’t be able to read my thoughts OR see me because I’m developing a tinfoil suit!!!

4 . Not everything you read on the Sphinn may be the gospel truth. Well, duh. It’s on the friggin’ interweb, ain’t it? We all know the TV is the medium of truth.

5. There’s a wrong way and right way to depict our first President. As a bobbing head rapper – wrong. As an ass-kicking mercenary – correct.

6. W.W. Green must have been one helluva’ a man. I wonder if he’s hiring?

7. Apparently, if you ever see some guy with no legs careening down a hill on skis the last thing you’re supposed to do is look. Because if you do, you’re an asshole. Because the world is chock full of people without legs doing crap like scaling cliffs and it’s just as normal to see as a vampire fighting a werewolf. Though, if I were this guy, and people were assuming stupid shit as to why I didn’t have legs, I totally tell them I was born that way just to make them feel like a complete asshole. And then I’d cry to make them feel worse. And keep crying until they bought me a drink. And if they bought me a well-drink, I’d cry and tell them they apparently didn’t think well enough of me to buy me a good drink because I have no legs.

Calacanis Wants To Get Invited to Parties Again

March 20, 2008
– or: My Take on the Calacanis Keynote & Making Nice –
So, bomb-thrower Jason Calacanis was invited to speak at SESNY this year, much to many peoples’ dismay. Afterall, once upon a time, he called SEO bullshit. Many wondered, “Was this just a ploy for Search Engine Strategies to drum interest after getting their asses handed to them by the SMX series in their show?” Why in the hell else would they ask this guy back? After all, if they wanted an asshole to speak, they could have just asked me! Though, I don’t have a search engine to plug. Nor anything interesting to say. Plus, I’m not allowed to travel by air. But I digress.
Anyways, he gives this keynote talk yesterday afternoon, which is brilliantly play-by-played by Lisa Barone. However, her write up of Calacanis’ keynote left me a little cold. And it has nothing to do with her reporting. It has everything to do with Calacanis being nice. Instead of lambasting the whole industry, he talks a little tiny bit of smack about black hats! And then goes on to talk about how wonderful MyMaholo is and some other stuff. What the hell?
I miss the old Calacanis. The one that alienated the industry. The one that made it so we didn’t want to invite him to parties. The Calacanis that said crazy shit that made all of us go fucking nuts. Yeah, that Calacanis. Now what the hell I’m going to bitch about?
Hopefully all this kumbaya shit will pass and the old order will be restored. This whole nice-guy bit is a little creepy. Plus, doesn’t he realize nice guys finish last? You don’t see Sergey and Larry out there giving us bear hugs. You don’t see Yang patting us on the back telling us we’re okay. Hell no! They’re ruthless bastards that would throw us on the fire to keep their algorithms warm! They know they got to kick us in the balls once in a while to keep ahead of the curve! Distraction, man, distraction!
Anyways, the point of this rant is that I don’t like the newer, kinder, gentler Calacanis. And if SES needs someone “edgy” to keynote, I’m available. But give me a head’s up cuz the old grey dog is friggin’ slow.

Guess What Suckas?!!?!?!?

March 20, 2008

Yeah, that’s right.  Ranking #13 for “one eyed monster” on the Google as of 12:18 in the a.m.  Wurd punkz!

Crazy how quick the Google is with the indexing and ranking.  Crazy quick.

Enough gloating.  It’s time for drinking.

Article or Ad? Another Reason I HATE MSN.

March 19, 2008

Originally, this was going to be an angry rant about how fucking MSN (which I hate) used my schandenfreude against me.  But now, all I am is tired and disappointed.

See, one of my favorite things in the world are horrible baby names.  Whether intentionally or accidentally cruel, these parents are raising the next crop of prank call recipients, outcasts, angry service station workers and axe murderers.  Plus, they’re fun!  Seeing some poor bastard named Asswipe (pronounced ahhzzweeepay) Johnson or Anita Biggins just makes a jerk like me feel better.

So, when I see an article on MSN’s homepage portal thingy about horrible baby names, I clicked it with glee.  I thought perhaps maybe, just maybe, I’ve been wrong about the MSN, Microsoft and their wanting to take over Yahoo!.  But, instead of an article, all I got was a one page, two paragraph ad for a fucking book.  Great.  A fucking book.  Thanks, assholes.

Now, this is where I’d usually go into some tirade about how I hate MSN, how they can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground or some other such anger.  But not this time.  I’m too tired to give a shit about how these people are their own worst enemy.  I don’t have the energy to comment on how a Microsoft take over of Yahoo! is only going to bolster Google’s market share.  Nor do I have the strength to suggest MSN take a page from Ask’s book but instead of doing something assinine  like focusing their search engine on pregnant married women, MSN tailoring their search engine to douchebags.

Nope.  Instead I’m just going to say, calmly, that you people suck.  Your hotmail sucks, your reach-around from MSNBC, NBC and Newsweek sucks and you people deserve the turd sandwich you’ve made for yourselves.  And you can tell I’m saying this calmly and cooly because I’m not using exclamation points.  Or all caps.

Tumblr Is Butt Rock, NOT Punk Rock!

March 17, 2008

I’m sorry, El Tigre, while I do like your blog thingy, I have to get this out there.  And I apologize for using you as the launching post for this tirade.  But as every belligerent asshole says, it’s not you, it’s them. You’re cool; you’re one of us.

El Tigre tried to esplain the Tumblr to me.  I still didn’t get it.  Maybe it was lack of alcohol coffee, maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but regardless, I didn’t get the Tumblr.  It was just another blogging format that apparently people were amped up about.  After I urged El Tigre to leave the cult, I halfway expected suicide bombers to be lining my driveway.

However, my concern has turned to annoyance.  Apparently, some jackass in Britishland the UK has wrote a stupid-assed article proclaiming “Tumblelogs are the punk rock of blogging.”  WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!  Seriously?  From where I’m sitting it’s less Joey Ramone and Johnny Rotten and more Nikki Sixx and Brett Michaels.   And if it is “punk rock”, it’s not the fucking punk rock of old but the new emo-shit that makes me want to kick the fuck out of every dipshit walking out of the Hot Topic wearing a fucking Fallout Boy t-shirt.

From what I can tell, formats and CMS’s like Tumblr are more or less like Twitter but with a more robust character allowance and pictures.  Don’t get me wrong – I like seeing the pictures.  And some of these people (such as El Tigre) are posting some interesting shit.  But I fail to see how it’s any different than any regular old blog. Seriously.

And the fucking article contradicts itself.  If “There’s no need for order, categories or taxonomies” then what the fuck is “Photos appear with a soft grey background, and quotes with an italic typeface. The varied content is matched by the visual design” about?  That looks like friggin’ order and classification to me.

As El Tigre also pointed out, this shit has gone mainstream.  Tumblr, and the rest of the tumblelogging platforms, aren’t punk rock.  It’s just more hipster douchebaggery pushing its value on us.  We recognize the value; telling us it’s valuable just makes it look cheap and overdone.  And in the end, it’s just a fucking blog!!!!!  I could do the same shit with the WordPress!  It’s like saying you’re punk rock only if you buy your fucking studded belt at Target (which I hear has some really reasonable prices for studded belts and Ramones t-shirts).

Anyways, the point of this post is the article is stupid and I don’t trust groups of people.

Schadenfreude

March 17, 2008

So, perhaps the Twitter is redeeming itself in my eyes. From Jason Calicanis’ Twitter feed, I read:

“Is there an SES event tonight?!? dotcom event?”

For some reason, that made me feel good. Real good. In a warm, fuzzy, cosmic justice kind of way.