Archive for September, 2007

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

September 28, 2007

1. If you’re gonna’ hassle the Hoff, he has a list of definite do’s and don’ts.

2.  Speaking of the Hoff, apparently, the childhood robbing sons of bitches good people at NBC have decided to piss all over one of my childhood memories of one of my favorite shows bring back an oldy but a goody!

3. Some fathers are pretty proud of there sons. Or some gals are gonna’ be disappointed.

4. Apparently, I’m really fucked up.

5. I missed Best Week Ever. Thank god it’s back.

6. Something Todd Malicoat and I can definitely agree on: Don’t fuck with Kid Rock. Let’s be honest – Tommy Lee is a punk ass bitch. We all know he’s a fucking hanger-onner, and anyone who’s hanging out with Puffy and Criss Angel deserves to have the shit slapped out of him. I mean, c’mon! Criss Angel! And you can’t slap em0 magic boy because he can’t help but be a turd. But Tommy Lee deserves it. He knows better. Unless his douchitude is blinding him from such stuff. Doesn’t matter if Tommy Lee said something or not, at that point.

7. hoai pisarkiewicz (whoever the hell that is) is not shy in public toilets anymore! Keep reaching for that rainbow, hoai.

Jill Whalen -vs- SEO Hack

September 27, 2007

Or, How This Lady is Different Than Gutter Trash Like Me

Recently in everybody’s favorite SEO news and commentary site Sphinn there was a discussion started by respected SEO expert Jill Whalen about the overabundance of posts about some new affiliate scam called BlogRush. Me, being the lazy bastard that I am, have not looked into BlogRush nor will I use it unless our boy Syzlak kicks me in the ass and says I should. Even then I might act more like a child, throw myself on the ground and start shrieking, “I don’t wanna’! You can’t make me! You’re not my real mom!”

Anyways, though I’m lazy and uninterested in this, I, like Ms. Whalen, was sick and tired of all the friggin’ posts about it. I mean, c’mon people!!! Five is overkill! But 148? What the hell? As a result, she started a discussion called “If I see one more Sphinn post about BlogRush I think I’ll puke“. I couldn’t have agreed with her sentiments more. But then it also got me to thinking how I would have phrased that headline and all of her responses to the people directly interfacing with her differently. Then it also got me to realizing this is why she’s respected SEO Jill Whalen and I’m well, I’m SEO Hack.

So, I decided to illustrate for you, dear reader, so you never make the mistake of confusing Ms. Whalen with yours truly.

Jill Whalen’s Headline: If I see one more Sphinn post about BlogRush I think I’ll puke

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: If I see one more Sphinn about BlogRush I’m going to go on a drunken rampage that will result in the deaths of no less than 127 bums. Enough with this crap already!

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Jill Whalen’s Response to mvandemar Pointing Out the Ironicness or Her Post: Yes, mvandemar, the irony was not lost on me. And I’ll be happy if this post/thread gets deleted as spam with the rest of the blogrush spam posts.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: No shit?!!?!?! Really? Your cunning wit amazes me! Thank you for pointing that out! Shouldn’t you be picking on Rand or something?

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Jill Whalen’s Response to Andy Beard Whining About Censorship: <<< Absolutely positively. Nothing wrong with censorship. If this was my site, those posts would be dead meat before they ever got published.

Censorship (in real life) only applies to govt. owned things. Not private stuff. Nuke those damn blogrush piece of crap posts!

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: You calling me a Nazi? Just because you have something ignorant to say doesn’t mean you have the right to shove your ignorant comment down my throat. Get bent.

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Jill Whalen’s Response to Halfdeck Telling Her She’s Like Google for Wanting to Censor These Dumb Ass Posts: Sounding like Google? Thanks, I’d be very happy with that.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: You’re an idiot.

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Jill Whalen’s Response to g1smd and steaprok Telling Her If She Don’t Like ‘Em Don’t Read ‘Em: Most of them are just morons trying to get clicks to their own affiliate links, or whatever they are. They have just their 1 lowly sphinn.

It’s ridiculous. Sphinn is better than this.

Nuke the F*ckers

(note: Aside from the fact Doug Heil dislikes her, the use of “nuke the f*ckers” here is why I like this gal. Seriously. Some of these pinheads just don’t get it. She’s not afraid to say this is bullshit and knock it off. Plus, she got the f-word in there! Not liked by Dougie, uses the f-word – this is my kind of role model! =) )

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Glad to see you guys are looking forward to this place going down the shitter. You all be providing the ass wipe? Whatever.

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Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny and Harith About All These Stupid-Assed BlogRush Posts: Exactly, Danny! If nothing else, I hope this discussion about it does serve to stop additional useless posts on the topic.

@Harith, you got it right as well. I do like to review the new topics to find interesting articles for my own knowledge and to Sphinn, but it does get discouraging seeing the same topics over and over.

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Glad to see you’re both on my side. Instead of waiting for these to Sphinn-out, let’s NUKE THESE FUCKERS! Yeah!

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Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny About These Threads Being Affiliate Something Or Other: >>But an affiliate writing an article about Blogrush, using their affiliate code in the article?<<

Really? How is that different than affiliate drops in threads?

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Blah Blah Blah. Nuke the Fuckers!

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Jill Whalen’s Response to the Danny Making Himself Clear About the Affiliate Drops: Ok, gotcha Danny. I do see the difference.

But I’m still gonna puke. Will try not to get it all over sphinn…

What SEO Hack Would’ve Wrote: Oh, okay. But still, NUKE THE FUCKERS!

From the above, you can see the obvious differences between Jill Whalen’s style of communication and my own though we both feel strongly about all those damned BlogRush posts. Jill Whalen – respected member of the SEO community. SEO Hack – not so much.

Dis Why I Luvs Der Interwebs:

September 25, 2007

Received in my work email this morning:

“Wazzup seohack

im not shy in public toilets anymore.

hoai pisarkiewicz”

Beyond awesome.

“Hey Asshole. Where You Been?”

September 25, 2007

Heheheh. Well, my two readers, I haven’t been detained in a Minneapolis airport for deucing with a wide stance or peeking at some other dude taking a dump.

I haven’t been shot dead and have had my head cut off and put on a stick on the perimeter of a Mexican mafia marijuana field.

I haven’t been building fence for the government.

I haven’t been in Russia trying to set up a prostitution and narcotics ring.

I haven’t been in Seattle stalking Vanessa Fox, hoping to show her my screenplay about a plucky SEO who, through the use of a magic El Camino, is able to go between worlds and with the help of his team consisting of a cool elf, a cranky dwarf, a smart ass dragon and misunderstood troll not only save both worlds from an evil dark wizard and his armies of the undead, but also keep the wizard’s attempt to rule the interwebs through emails and number one rankings for a website about impotency drugs and penis enlargement. Oh yeah, and there’s a fight between a werewolf and vampire. I just haven’t work that in to it yet.

Nor have I embarked on my dream career path, rodeo clown. Wait, that was my father’s dream for me. I just wanted to be loved.  Why don’t you love me for me, dad?

No, my reason for my absence have been less exciting than those. I have this damn job. And with this damn job, there’s these people that want me to do crap for them. I guess since they pay to do this crap, I have to do it. I guess. These people apparently understand that sometimes these job thingies cut into my drinking and blogging time. But after a month of 14 hour days and weekends, that project thingy is done. Thank god. Now back to things that matter.

The Worst SEO Blog Ever Hits 1,000. Yep. 1,000.

September 5, 2007

Holy shit.

I was gonna’ be lazy this week and not post anything and if I did post anything it was to tell all three of you that I’m gonna’ be a lazy asshole this week and not post a damn thing. Yeah, I know I said I was gonna’ give you my daily 7 things learned at SES, but I didn’t. So not only am I a lazy asshole, I’m also a lying bastard. But then I looked at my blog stats thingy and there it was – I broke the 1,000 barrier.

For many blogs, 1,000 is what they do in an hour or two. But for the Worst SEO Blog Ever – it means there’s about five people who’ve come back and read this damn thing that many times. So, as a show of appreciation, I want to thank you personally. And if you think you deserve a shout out and don’t see yourself mentioned here, well I guess that’s what you get for not playing along!

First off, there’s Syzlak’s Search Engine Marketing Blog. Not only is he responsible for about 567 of these visits, he’s also a frequent visitor, commenter and guy who says, “Hey, you might want to re-word that because instead of sounding like a prick you sound like a fucking prick.” Thanks for saving my ass and teaching me to spell douchebag.

Next up, I gotsta thank Bagel and the team that comedy blog, Ration Reality. Not only have I been blessed with comments and visits by these fine, upstanding citizens, Ration Reality has also been a tremendous source for edumacating me every week. Who knew people were getting high by sniffing poo? I do, thanks to Ration Reality!

Also, I’d like to thank the All About Content Girl. Not only did this gal give me one of my first non-Syzlak links, she also comes by and comments on this stuff!!! And she’s 100% correct – this is the worst SEO blog ever and don’t you make that mistake again. And yes, All About Content Girl, we are a bunch of navel gazers. I like to liken this industry to being in high school again. And, once again, I’m the handsome guy that everybody likes.

Who else deserves a mention? I’d have to say Kent Schnepp. Whenever I look at MyBlogLog (which is pretty damned depressing), I can almost count on seeing his little profile button. You’re welcome to waste time here anytime, buddy.

Also, I have to say that Stoney deGeyter at E-Marketing Performance is one helluva’ good sport for letting me throw him in the pit with the Danny. And notice my appreciation – I gave you two links and the Danny nothing. I hope you’ve been training – your next fight will be against Jill Whalen.

While I’m thanking SEO celebs for stopping by, I’d like to say hello to the one and only Vanessa Fox. Not only did she take my being an asshole in stride, she even commented to let me know she digs one of the best movies ever. Plus, she has Doug Heil being a troll on her blog. Doug! A troll! Whoda’ thunk it? And for those reasons, I became a VFFB. Saaaaluute!

And to the BatWoman, who doesn’t comment too often but does let me know she’s reading. Thanks.

Finally, to all you other readers and commenters I forgot to mention.  You all may not get individual gratitude, but I appreciate your stopping by anyways.  And from the above, you see what you need to do to get a link.

So, that pretty much does it. I’m going to go be a lazy asshole now or something. Thanks again for your support.

oh – and PS – if you’re getting sick of the Tiffany and Debbie Gibson tunes on your iPod or mp3 player or whatever, go check out Donerail. And then go to CD Baby and buy the damn album. It’s good stuff.