Archive for the ‘rants’ Category

Sphinn Kills Voting. Apple Does Something. Life Goes On.

September 1, 2010

Wow.  What a day, eh?  Sphinn (or the Sfin, whatever) totally steals Apple’s thunder on whatever the hell that fucker in a black turtle neck was yammering on about.  Did not see that coming.  Whoda’ thunk it?

So, maybe there wasn’t any thunder being stolen, but still. On my the Twitter feed (believe it or not, I still look at that thing), it’s been getting more characters than Apple, unless you count from Syzlak (no, I do NOT want a friggin’ iPad!), who was the only one that said anything about an iPod or something Apple-related.

Now, what you’re really here for is the answer to the “What does Sphinn killing voting mean for me?” question, aren’t ya?  Well, here  you go:

  • You’ll have to listen to people whine on the Twitter about there being no more voting on Sphinn.
  • You’ll likely see a story on the Sphinn about people whining about there being no more voting on the Sphinn.
  • You might actually read something interesting on the Sphinn.
  • People will realize Sphinn said nothing about killing the comments section and go “Oh, umm, but there’s still no voting!”.
  • Eventually, people will quit whining about Sphinn killing voting and find something else to bitch about.
  • Sphinn isn’t killing voting on everything, just on the, so you can still vote without really knowing what you’re voting about on other voting websites and your local elections (November is coming!).
  • I will have finally realized I can use the bullet point thingy on the WordPress.

There  you have it.  Now that you realize life will still go on, and Apple will likely churn out some other “game changer!!!!!!” in a few months, you can get to doing whatever the hell it is you do.  Oh, and get out of line and go home.  Standing out in front of an Apple store waiting to spend money on next month’s paper weight makes you look like a twat.

OMG! Google Is Spying On You! And Bears Shit In The Woods!

May 14, 2010

So, now that I have internet back, I jumped on the Twitter to see what was going on (apparently I had some time to waste after being sans interweb for three weeks).  Looked like the same ol’ same ol’.  Except for everyone passing around an article from the New York Times about people getting all sorts of pissed off about the Google snooping on people and their personal data.


This is news?

What the fuck?

Getting upset about Google scraping and using your personal data from free products of theirs is like being pissed off that you got diarrhea from eating sushi out of a dumpster on a 90 degree day in Mexico City.  I mean, c’mon!  It’s what they do!  That’s why that shit is free!  It’s not fucking trigonometry!  Let me guess – you also think the new friend you just met in the bathroom gave your that hit of heroin for free just because you have kind eyes?

That doesn’t mean Google isn’t a bunch of assholes.  But seriously, if this surprises you and/or upsets you, then you are in for a rough, rough life.  Let’s just get it over with now.  Those jeans do make you look fat.  We know you only wear a size 7 shoe and those are socks in your trousers.  That isn’t oregano in your kid’s backpack and he isn’t going to be chef, unless you count cooking meth in your basement as being one.  And don’t even ask about your fucking hair cut, ‘cuz it does make you look stupid.

Okay, Motherfuckers. Knock It Off.

May 14, 2010

So, I got a little holed up in the bunker (read: fucking Hughenet couldn’t fix my internet) and disappeared for a bit.  Alright, I also had other shit I was dealing with, so I ignored this awesome fucking blog (imagine that!) and didn’t check in for a while.  To my surprise, it’s still been getting visited – by fuckhead moron comment spammers!

Okay assholes, lemme’ give you a tip.  This blog?  Horrible source of traffic.  And the links you’re dumping in my comments are automatically nofollowed, so you’re getting no traction there.  Besides, even if for some magically delicious reason they are getting some attention, because they’re not relevant to whatever garbage your peddling and are so poorly done, they’d be automatically discounted anyways.  So, do yourself a favor, and quit wasting your time spamming my comments.  All you’re gonna’ do is piss off the clients that paid you for your “link building services” and get your ass a date with Wapner on the People’s Court.

Besides, I might actually either kill your shit-ass link or just delete your comment.  Or re-type it to make you look like the total douchebag fuckhead you are.

Now go play in traffic.

Oh, So NOW You All Hate the Twitter

December 2, 2009

Once upon a time, there was this awesome guy who did awesome stuff named SEO Hack.  He was handsome (sorta’, if you squinted).  He was intelligent (well, at least on the short bus).  He had class (he put the ass in class!).  And when this thing called “the Twitter” was rolled out, he stood alone and dared to say he hated it.  All he could think of was telling people when he dropped a deuce, took a piss or watched the neighbor smoke a cigarette (that guy smoked a lot of cigarettes).  He was in the minority, but he cared not.  He hated the Twitter.

And now it’s all he fucking does all day long.  Well, more like occasionally every now and then.  But he does it more than he updates this crappy, forgotten blog.

Anyways, I’ve noticed lately in my Twitter whateverthehellyoucallit that there are a lot of people who hate the whole Retweet button.  They hate it so much, they’re starting to call Twitter names.  Well, maybe not names, but they are pissed about something.  Blog posts have been dedicated to it.  People have gotten on the Sfin and voted to hate it (or something like that; it’s all details, really).  All of a sudden, the microblogging platform that could has pissed off a whole shit load of people.

First off, all you all are late to the “I hate Twitter” party.  I had it already, emptied the keg and turned off the lights.  Where the fuck were all you then?

Secondly, really?  All you all are getting panties all knotted up over a friggin’ button?  I don’t get it.  I mean, it’s not like you have to use the fucking thing!  Don’t like it?  Then don’t use it.  Just get all ol’ skool on that shit and put “RT” in front of your retweets.  Seriously, I can still see them if you do that.  It’s not like they disappeared.  It’s not fucking rocket science.

What I think this boils down to is that people are looking for something to be pissed off at.  Much like a hipster at a fucking hipster convention (lock the doors and burn the building!) trying to be more ironic by mocking his friend’s Atari t-shirt (I know, who’da thunk he had friends?!?!?), the people who are hating on a stupid button are simply looking to be pissed off.  When you look at it, in the whole scheme of things, this retweet button bullshit is small potatoes.  Take it from a guy who’s always tilting at idiotic windmills getting pissed off about stupid shit – it doesn’t matter.  Really,you’re all still gonna’ die in 2012 regardless of your feelings about the stupid retweet button.

So, go ahead and hate the Twitter and bitch about the retweet feature.  I mean, hell, I’m sitting here watching the Golden Girls bitching about people bitching about the retweet thing.  Afterall, bitching and moaning about shit that doesn’t matter IS the American way!

Oh, and whoever voted down Ms. Whalen Jill in the Sphinn comments, you’re a douchebag.

the Ruper Is Wrong and Mark Cuban Is An Idiot

November 10, 2009

After writing my intelligent and awesomely insightful post about Rupert Murdoch’s misguided plan of having all his content de-indexed from Google (and I assume Bing, Yahoo!, Cuil, etc., etc.), I read what I thought might be an intriguing post from Mark Cuban, who, according to this post title, I think is an idiot.  His post pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  He’s an idiot.

I’m not talking just about his supporting all the “9/11 was an inside job” kooks, though that surely makes him suspect.  I’m not even talking about his inability to apparently use a question mark (there’s no space between the last word in the sentence and the question mark!!!!!!  Geez!).  I’m talking about his premise about how the Ruper (what they call him down at the YMCA) is having all his content pulled from Google’s index.

The problem is, instead of telling us why the Ruper is right, Mark Cuban just talks about how Twitter was a game-changer (hate that word).  And that’s fine – Twitter has changed the game some.  But that story is soooo three months ago.  Cuban doesn’t tell us anything other than Twitter is awesome and Rupert Murdoch is smart.

However, he doesn’t address Murdoch’s going to a paid content model.  If I followed a link on the Twitter to a fucking site where I had to pay money for a fucking subscription to read the damn article, I’d be pissed.  And I imagine the same could be said for other people.  It isn’t going to make NewsCorp any more money.  It’s likely going to piss people off and the only people who’ll shell out the dough to access their news are either other journalists or Fox News true believers.  If I were advertising with Murdoch’s properties, I’d join the other rats fleeing that sinking ship.  And I haven’t read anything saying Murdoch isn’t pursuing a paid content model.  It’s idiotic, and, again, it’s putting ego over profits.  Counting on only the Twitter and Facebook to push your brand is also 1999 thinking.  To support that kind of idiocy makes you an idiot too.  Though, not knowing how to use a question mark and joining the kook squad does too (okay, I’m an asshole and going back on my word of those not making Mark Cuban an idiot).

It’s his ball and he can do with it as he wants, just as Mark Cuban can use his network and name to pursue the whole Bush Administration caused 9/11 angle.  But if you’re gonna’ tell me that Rupert Murdoch is right and I’m an idiot, tell me why, don’t just lay more fucking platitudes on the Twitter.

And don’t call me a netizen.

Rupert Murdoch, You Fucking Dinosaur

November 9, 2009

So, after a half a week and a weekend of no interweb, no the Twitter and nothing else giving me any news, I got onto the Twitter to see Mr. Pilatowski twatting some re-tweet about Rupert Murdoch having all his internets de-indexed by Google.

Say what?!?!?!?!

While most webmasters are bending over backwards licking Matt Cutts in the bad spot and sacrificing goats at the altar of Google to get some traffic, Mr. Murdoch is taking the bold new path of not having his sites indexed and perhaps rank for relevant news stories in Google. As part of his new paid access to News Corp. content, he’s cutting access to Google and other aggregators because they’ve been getting some sort of a free ride on the ol’ Rupert Murdoch express.  So, while the search engines and aggregators have been pimping his friggin’ sites for him for free, he’s decided to call bullshit on them and go to a paid model?  Seriously, that’s a good strategy?

Rupert, it’s time to join the year 2009.  Yes, Google, Bing, Yahoo! and all the search engines, as well as all the news aggregators, have been getting free shit from you.  In return, you get a whole bunch of friggin’ links that build value to your online properties.  As a result, your sites rank for stuff.   All because your websites are considered a fucking resource!!! What’s so hard about that to understand?!?!?!

There are plenty of people your age using the internet and I’m pretty fucking sure they’d understand what the hell I’m saying.  But instead, you’re going to take your ball and go home like a little bitch.  Meanwhile, you might get some people who sign up for the shit on your site, though, they’d likely get it somewhere else for fucking free. And I’m sure your advertisers are going to love the drop in traffic and ROAS they were receiving from the free traffic that went to your site leaches.  In the end, you’re putting pride ahead of profits.  And in the end, I hope it’s worth it.  Maybe you and fucking Mark Cuban can have a pity party when the fucking traffic dries up and News Corp and whatever the hell Cuban runs end up in the dust bin of internet history.

I got to be honest though.  This is so fucking exciting and I CANNOT wait to watch this train wreck!  Off to find corn for popping!  This is gonna’ be hilarious!

Top Chef + = SEO Blog Serendipity, Bitches!

October 7, 2009

That’s right!

They actually featured a website, used the word “keyword” and did some other crap which means I can actually post a legitimate, SEO-related something or other about Top Chef and it will be half-assed relevant!  Which is great, ‘cuz rarely do I do anything full assed.

So anyways, from a search marketing point of view, it makes a lot of sense for to have their site pimped by Top Chef.  I mean, hell, I didn’t remember the name of the site (again, shut the fuck up, Dad!) but was able to go the interweb and find it by doing this awesome search for “top chef recipe website from quickfire challenge”.  And I found the friggin’ site! You know why?  That’s right. SEO.  And can you imagine how much traffic they got from people who weren’t dumb assholes like me that actually could remember the name of that site (because they weren’t getting yelled at for not having a friggin’  job) or even knew that existed?  I know, right!  That’s a lot of traffic.  And now if Bravo would quit being a bunch of stingy bitches and link out to that shit from their TV listings, I might not of had to use the Google at all.  Just sayin’, quit being a bunch of tight asses, Bravo.  It’s a real for real website.  I even used the son of a bitch to find a recipe for the only ingredients I had on-hand: gin, honey nut Cheerios and garlic salt (turns out they only recommend drinking the gin. Go figure.).

So, what lessons have we gleaned from tonight’s episode of Top Chef?  Well, first off, if you have a website about food and junk this might be a good offline avenue for getting online traffic.  Second, Bravo won’t link to your site even if they feature it on the friggin’ episode.   Third, Eli is punk ass who totally let Ashley go home for his shitty idea.  Fourth, sometimes it pays to be Picasso’s paint brush cleaner (really, dude, you were gushing) than on a team with Eli, who is a punk ass bitch who let you hang for his shitty dish idea.  Fifth, I hate Eli right now and will beat his punk ass down if I ever see him, so he’s pretty much safe unless my old man falls asleep before I do and I take his wallet and car keys.  And that piece of shit starts (who knew the Yugoslavians weren’t so good at building cars?).  Sixth, the only thing you can really do with gin is drink it, though I didn’t learn that lesson watching Top Chef but rather on

And on that note, there’s a gin and garlic salt and tonic waiting for me.

This Is As Inspirational As I Get

October 1, 2009

So, if you can’t tell by the frequent updating I’ve been doing lately (that was supposed to be sarcastic) I’ve been in a little funk.  And the fact I’m using the word funk, which represents quite possibly the third worst kind of music (preceeded by disco and whatever jazz they play where it’s a bunch of assholes playing a bunch of random shit) indicates as much.  But enough about the kind of music I hate (there really is quite a bit).  Jayzus I use parenthesis a lot (surprise surprise!).

Anyways, earlier today I was chatting with none other than the Mr. Syzlak about getting us potentitally getting our shit together and kicking a little ass.  Or something like that.  Basically, since I’ve been laid off, I’ve been looking around and wondering what the fuck I’m doing and what I should be doing.  It’s been about everything from whether I should take a shower today (vote was no) to what to do about the Hackmobile (still for sale – call me!).  And then great sage sent me one of those inspirational blog posts where in the comments everybody says cheery shit like “Here here!” and crap like that.  But the blog post was spot on, and got me to thinking of the philosophy I’ve been pondering since I heard some jerk on the TV say it a month or two ago – “we all need to just learn to be happy with what we have, man!”

Why not be happy with what I have?  Why shouldn’t Syzlak be happy with whatever he has (enter your own venereal disease joke here)?  Why can’t we all just be happy with what we have?

As I left my conversation with Mr. Syzlak to investigate the shower dilemma further, I realized that the reason I, or Syzlak, or whoever else seem to be unsatisified with their lot isn’t hapy with whatever it is we have is because that philosophy is total fucking bullshit.  It’s just a bunch of New Age, feel good hippie bullshit to make you okay with the fact all you did all day was smoke a bunch of dope and watch Dora the Explorer.  You might have watched Spongebob or Star Trek, but you couldn’t get your lazy ass off the couch to find the remote. But that’s okay, because you’re happy with what you have, even if it some annoying little bitch and a monkey.

And I almost fell for it.

If our ancestors were just happy with what they had, we’d all be sitting around in a fucking cave somewhere picking scabies and fleas off each other.  There’d be no porn, no booze, no cars or any of the other shit that makes living today in this day and age fucking awesome.  We’d all be sober, walking everywhere and wishing to see some random boobs while wondering if there is a faster way to quickly cook some fucking popcorn while simultaneously making our whole friggin’ house stink.  It wouldn’t matter that amps didn’t go to 11 because there’d be no amps to crank and piss off the neighbors.  We’d all be content that our cars are quiet and ride at factory height. There’d be no Shakespeare, no Beethoven and no Ziggy.  Or even Ziggy with nipple on his nose, because everyone would be happy with regular old Ziggy.

And forget about bacon.

Screw being happy with what you have.  Strive to have better.  Work your ass off to get what you want, not just what you need and what you’d be content with.  There’s nothing wrong wanting more, wanting better, or hell, just wanting.  If no one wanted anything, we’d all be out of a job.  Well, I’m already out of a job, but you know what I’m getting at.

So, do what that one blog post says – get busy living or get busy dying.  And if you’re happy with what you have, fine.  But don’t let some asshole convince you that you need to be content or happy with whatever it is you have when you’re not.  While that jackass might not be trying to sell you anything, he’s wrong.  There’s not a damn thing wrong with wanting better.

Christ, I sound like a friggin’ motivational speaker or something.

iPhone + Twitterific = Me Fucking Annoyed

August 24, 2009

It’s bad enough that I got traffic the other day for the phrase “tweet cred”.  But then I see that I also got traffic from something called “Twitterific”.  And where was the source of this Twitterific traffic?  A goddammed iPhone.

Lookit, I realize that cutesy Twitter-related words and phrases are here to say.  As sick as it makes me, as much as it makes me want to pick up my laptop and gouge my eyes out, as much as it makes want to make up another nonsense phrase to illustrate my rage, I’m realizing I’m in the minority here.  But the double whammy of a friggin’ iPhone and cutesy Twitter phrase illustrated by a page?  This is too fucking much.

Go ahead and rub it in my face that you have an iPhone and I don’t.  It’s fine, really.  Go ahead and annoy the holy fucking hell out of me with cutesy Twitter phrases.  I’m getting numb to it.  But please, for all that is good in this world, don’t hit me with both.

Vinnie Penn Is An Idiot and Top Chef Is Still AWESOME

August 21, 2009

Alright, so it turns out I’m more interested in the TV these days than search marketing, but I’ve made me peace with that.  But what I’m not at peace with is Vinnie Penn’s idiotic article about Top Chef.  If you want to know what it’s about, go ahead and read the damn thing.  Basically, it was MSN’s weak ass attempt to have something on their homepage about a very popular show.  Okay, fine.  I mean, it got my dumb ass to click on it and read it.  So it worked.  But here’s my bitches in no specific order.

But the article itself is bullshit.  Seriously.  First off, he’s comparing a TV show to a friggin’ network.  Now, maybe it’s because I don’t watch TV professionally, but I’m pretty sure a single TV series about chefs in a competition is a little more limited in what it shows, than say, A WHOLE FUCKING TELEVISION NETWORK DEVOTED TO FOOD.  But what do I know.

Then this Vinnie-guy has this “New York is the center of the universe how dare they have a food show in a low-rent place like Vegas” attitude.  They had the show in fucking Miami.  My point?  Who cares where the hell it is or if there’s a “food scene”.  Does Miami really have a food scene?  Really?  There’s a signature Miami food that’s only good in Miami?  If having a fucking signature dish in a city is what’s important, then I’m sure friggin’ Top Chef Philadelphia will make Mr. Penn happy. Or not because it’s not in friggin’ NYC.  At least he conceeded Chicago has good food.

So what else pissed me off?  This whole “as opposed to the ones where I can ogle at the presentation and sometimes even the presenter (Giada De Laurentiis anyone?)” quote.  Seriously?  This guy blind?  On Top Chef you not only have the lovely Padma Lakshmi and Gail Simmons.  Now, if you know how to count, that’s TWO hot ladies in ONE show, versus one gal of questionable attractiveness in one show.  It’s just simple math.

The final irritant is the whole Tom Colicchio versus Bobby Flay and Next Food Network Star.  First off, Colicchio is fucking awesome.  Flay is alright, he’s tolerable, but he’s no Colicchio.  Besides, I’m prNFNS hasn’t been around nearly as long, feels like it’s trying to be Top Chef knock off (kinda’ like The Fashion Show being a knock off for Project Runway) and it has a parade of hosts/judges.  Last year it was that one guy from Good Eats.  Who knows who it will be next year.  And maybe that was the first season this guy Vinnie Penn watch Next Food Network Star.  And if it was, then he’s talking out is ass a little.  Which if fine, ‘cuz I do that quite a bit.

While I think the article is generally crap, there is one point I have to agree with Penn on.  Toby Young kinda’ sucks.  Not kinda’, he does.  He brings nothing to the table. He has the personality of shoe leather.  He’s as funny as herpes.  He has no cooking merit.  If they wanted an asshole who’s never worked in a kitchen to sit there and “snarky” (and by snarky I mean not funny, just trying to be mean) comments, then they should’ve hired me.

So, here’s the take away.  Vinnie Penn’s article is dumb. If it had been about how lame Toby Young is, I’d have been on board.  But Giada is no Padma or Gail, Colicchio is fucking awesome, Top Chef is still good, NFNS is kinda’ lame and because Vinnie Penn wrote this dumb article, I think he’s dumb.  More directly, I think he’s an idiot (though he probably think I’m a prick, so fair is fair).