Archive for July, 2007

Parle-Vouz Screw Off?

July 23, 2007

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m a hack myself, so I’m sympathetic to the lazy and stupid. I understand. But not the stupid, lazy and French. Especially if they’re going to scrape my site and then put a friggin’ no-follow link back here. Stupid Frenchie Spammers.
What’s the matter, surrender monkey? Don’t trust the content you stole from me? Then you shouldn’t have stolen the shit!!! That’s right! And in case you don’t understand, let me say it in a way you might understand, cheese sniffer:

Ifeh youeh stealeh moi contenteh andeh don’teh giveh me a straighteh linkeh, Ieh willeh fuckeh youeh upeh!

Listen assholes, I was hating on the French before it became fashionable. And then once everyone started doing it, I started hating on the Dutch instead. But I have no problem going back to hating you. It was nice for you to link back to my site, but first, you listed my posting as #74. Seventy-friggin-four!!! What the hell??!??!?!??! And then you don’t even give me a nice clean link from your spam site? You people . . . .

So, since you’re gonna’ play that way, go back to smoking your stinky cigarettes, buying striped shirts and berets, talking about how you may or may not exist and go screw yourselves. God bless the Mexicans for HUMILIATING you people on May 5, 1862.

And to those of you “concerned” about my anti-Franco sentiments – go screw yourselves too. Yes, I painted a whole nation with a big fat brush brush of hate based on the actions of a few. That’s how stereotyping works. Enjoy the pink fuzzy you get for thinking you’re better than me, jerkwad.

7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week

July 20, 2007

1. Some people take tacos way too seriously. Everybody knows burritos are where it’s at.

2. The wind is kind of an asshole. And a pervert. I think we have some things in common.

3. Vanessa Fox loves her cats. A lot. And that lolcat site. A lot. (I know, I know this should have been mentioned two weeks ago, but I was still in shock that Criss Angel is not gay. Who would’ve guessed? Assexual, sure. I could see that. I mean, I’m surprised a guy like that would get laid at all, let alone married and have a thing with Cameron Diaz. Bleeeech. Have that image run through your head. She must have some serious kink to dig a weirdo like Emo Magic Boy.)

4.  Michael Vick has more problems to worry about than herpes now.  Clench them cheeks, Ron Mexico, and hope the prison population is a whole helluva’ lot more humane than you are, asshole. And tell Hitler hello for us.

5.  Vanessa Fox isn’t the only one getting found for porn related keywords.

6.  Danny Sullivan and crew give a great big middle finger to digg.  Atta’ boys and girls!!!!!

7.  Apparently Posh Spice (that one chick that married that dude that plays soccer, but he calls it football because he’s all British and junk) dislikes Paris Hilton as well.  She IS one of us!  USA!  USA!  USA!

SEO Cock Fighting: deGeyter -vs- The Danny

July 18, 2007

You all know you play the game – look at the people around you and figure out could kick the hell out of whom. Or maybe who you could kick the crap out of. Me, I look at other people because I can’t fight worth a shit.

One cat I’ve seen who I think could do major damage is Stoney deGeyter. First, he’s deceptively tall. Second, his arms are as big around as my head. Third, he’s from Reno-fucking-Nevada, the bitter, ugly cousin to flashy-thanks-for-the-mafia- money-Paris-Lohan-Britney-Richey-playground Las Vegas. People from Reno are tough.  They don’t cotton to party girls. And fourth, after being to a couple of conferences, I don’t see anyone who possesses the physical prowess and presence of Mr. deGeyter. Seriously. Maybe some good drunken brawlers, but as far as notable SEOs, Stoney would kick the crap out of them.

So, in a cage match between deGeyter “the Fighter” and “the Danny”, Stoney would sooooo kick the crap out of the Danny. No offense, the Danny. But you’d get totally friggin’ brutalized. You would be carrying his books to class for him and doing his homework. He would use your arms as oversized drumsticks to play your ass like a drum.

Who’s next?

Hey, Oregonians. Get Off Your Asses and Help Out.

July 12, 2007

Our good friend Syzlak has brought to our attention a way for Oregonians to look good for a change (I’m looking at you, Eagle Point man who set pigs loose in a house that was foreclosed on.  And you, helium balloon lawn chair guy from Bend.  You didn’t even make it to Idaho!  C’mon!  190 miles – wasted!  And then you lost your video camera.  Next time I recommend a little planning.).

There’s a little girl in Corvallis with a nasty childhood cancer.  Ty Pennington and crew are coming to town and, with the help of Legend Homes,  building her family a new house.  Go to Syzlak’s blog and digg the story.  Go to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Oregon microsite and see how you can help.

Kill.LiveEarth.Now.

July 12, 2007

Yeah, it’s my own damn fault for having MSN as my start up page or whatever.  But for chrissakes, enough with the friggin’ LiveEarth coverage!!!!!!  No one watched it last Saturday.  Why the hell do you people think anyone is going to be any more interested in it now?

No wonder Google and Yahoo! are stomping the shit out of you people!  Quit living in yesterday.  PLEASE.

I Hate Web 2.0

July 11, 2007

Thanks to Syzlak’s SEOMoz post and after reading a stupid Newsweek article and then reading a post on how Mahalo sucks (still), I was reminded of something:

I HATE WEB 2.0.

That is one of the most asinine (why isn’t asinine spelled assinine? I really feel ASS needs to make an appearance in that word) phrases of all the internet. Seems like every damn person involved with SEM or SEO is always saying “that app is so web 2.0” or that “that site needs to get web 2.0” or something else equally fucking ig’nant.

I hate that phrase. I hate it more than linkbait (heheheheh, linkbait), I hate it more than linkerati, I hate it more than link love, well, I hate it more than all the cutesy link-related phrases.

I FUCKING HATE WEB 2.0. It makes me want to kick puppies and old people. It makes me want to take broken glass and gouge my eyes out so I never have to read that stupid phrase again. It makes me want to set hospitals on fire. It makes me want to shit in California condor nests. It’s just like listening to disco – it makes me want to build a large fence around the world and set it on fire. I HATE DISCO. AND WEB 2.0.

I swear to God if I ever meet the bastard who invented that stupid-ass phrase, I will go ape shit on his ass. APE SHIT.

It’s the internet people!!!!!!!!!! It evolves!!!!!!!!! It changes!!!!!!! Websites change to meet the demands of its audience!!!!! It’s not like we walk through a fucking door and now everything is web 2.0!!!!! ARRRGAGGEHHH! Now I’m using it!!!!! KILL ME NOW.

Seven Things I Learned on the Interweb this Week

July 6, 2007

1. Threadwatch.org didn’t go with a new design that actually lives up to the less noise, more signal motto. Aaron Wall really for reals locked the doors. Now where the hell am I gonna’ go to get called a wanker and get the lastest 9/11 conspiracy theory?

2. There’s some sort of huge, concert series this weekend about global warming or something. I imagine they’re unleashing some sort of new technology for these concerts so they won’t use up electricity or use pollution. This is just what I needed – a bunch of people I can’t stand telling me what I should do. Like I need another reason to hate Sting. I’d like to see Sheryl Crow take the kind of dump I take and only use one square of toilet paper to wipe her ass.

3. Criss Angel is not gay. And apparently he was married. And apparently he finds Cameron Diaz attractive (which, honestly, is the most amazing of the three). Wonders never cease.

4. Soundwave will not appear in the new Transformers movie (fucking iPods indeed!). And he’s a recovering alcoholic.

5. People are actually reading and linking to this blog. Thanks, Syzlak and All About Content girl!

6. Apparently, I’m a sucker for attention, even if it might be negative attention. Reference above.

7. Did I mention emo-magic boy Criss Angel is not gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.