OMG! Google Is Spying On You! And Bears Shit In The Woods!

So, now that I have internet back, I jumped on the Twitter to see what was going on (apparently I had some time to waste after being sans interweb for three weeks).  Looked like the same ol’ same ol’.  Except for everyone passing around an article from the New York Times about people getting all sorts of pissed off about the Google snooping on people and their personal data.

Really?

This is news?

What the fuck?

Getting upset about Google scraping and using your personal data from free products of theirs is like being pissed off that you got diarrhea from eating sushi out of a dumpster on a 90 degree day in Mexico City.  I mean, c’mon!  It’s what they do!  That’s why that shit is free!  It’s not fucking trigonometry!  Let me guess – you also think the new friend you just met in the bathroom gave your that hit of heroin for free just because you have kind eyes?

That doesn’t mean Google isn’t a bunch of assholes.  But seriously, if this surprises you and/or upsets you, then you are in for a rough, rough life.  Let’s just get it over with now.  Those jeans do make you look fat.  We know you only wear a size 7 shoe and those are socks in your trousers.  That isn’t oregano in your kid’s backpack and he isn’t going to be chef, unless you count cooking meth in your basement as being one.  And don’t even ask about your fucking hair cut, ‘cuz it does make you look stupid.

At Least I Can Friggin’ Count!

Because I’m a bit of an insecure, narcissistic prick, when I actually decide to log in and perhaps post some sort of drivel, the first thing I do is check where my traffic is coming from.  I know, I’m weak.  It’s like a sickness.  But anyways, as I was saying, I saw in my stats that I was getting a bit of traffic from a link that looked like:  hubpages.com/hub/10-examples-of-a-bad-blog.  “Hmm,” I thought.  “Ten examples! This I must see!”,  hoping to see nine other blogs worse than mine.  Plus, I wanted to see what they had to say about me.  Even bad attention is still attention (remember the whole insecure, narcissistic prick thing?).

What did I see when I went to check out the 10 Examples of Bad Blogs?  Only five fucking blogs!  Motherfucker can’t count!  Or, he’s kind of a lazy asshole like me and stopped at five.  Either way, at first I felt duped.  And then kind of honored, because that meant instead of only 1/10th of the post being about me and The Worst SEO Blog Ever!, now it was 1/5th.  And more is always more.

So, zball24, thank you for the attention.  And I hope you get a fan someday.  And thank you for making me feel twice as important as I did when I first clicked that link.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, so this is really like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb  Last Week and This Week.  But fuck it.  I’ve been a busy bastard!  Okay, maybe busy is a little misleading.  But I’ve had shit to do.  And then there was a long weekend, and as we all know, three day weekends usually start on Thursday because Friday is usually a fuck-around day and then the following Tuesday, you’re still hungover so it’s not even really like that day counts either.  Of course, I’m talking about back when I had a job and stupid shit like showing up to work actually mattered.  And now I wonder why the hell no one will hire my broke-ass.  Anyways, so here’s the junk I learned, with all the usual warnings about being disappointed and junk.

1.  The only thing worse than her stealing a few lines from some blogger is Maureen Dowd’s abuse of makeup.  Yikes!  You could almost float a quarter in that shit!  How’d you like to wake up next to that?  Anways, there’s something to be said about growing old gracefully.  And yes, I realize this looks like a sexist double standard, but the other night I was watching CNBC or something and a guy, yes, an older DUDE, had the same damn problem.  Only, I can’t find a picture of that guy so I’m going to pick on the plagiarist.  What I find more interesting than her clown school face painting job is how quickly this went away.  Maureen, you steal my shit and I swear to god it won’t go away that quickly.  Just warning you.

2.  Some shit just doesn’t make sense.  Not even to Syzlak.

3.  Ms. Rebecca Kelley’s three year blogging anniversary was last week and I totally forgot to get her anything! What kind of creepy interweb stalker forgets an important anniversary like that?

4.  I’m not the only who thinks Ms. Piggy has it going on.  You know, if having sex with puppets wasn’t creepy and junk.

5.  Americans and Mexicans aren’t the only ones seeing Jesus in crazy shit.  Welcome to the club, United Kingdom!  Thanks, Mr. Davies, for bringing this to our attention.

6.  There are now three things in life that you can count on – death, taxes and Microsoft totally sucking at the interweb.  I don’t even know where to start.  But they should smother their marketing team.  Bing – really?  Really?  All that money and they came up with “Bing”?  Frankly, it’s quite amazing they haven’t totally made the X-box fucktarded . . . yet.  And they have such big brains up there!

7.  Carol Bartz is my kind of boss.  I may have a crush on her.

So there it is.

Fuck Subaru Heaven.

When you watch a lot of the TV (as I do these days), you also get the priviledge of watching a lot of shitty ads too.  Lately, one of the worst has to be for fucking Subaru.

Perhaps you’ve seen this one.  You have some fucking hipster douchebag doing the voice over about how he and some other dude named Doug or something drove for two days to get to “Subaru Heaven”.  Turns out, Subaru heaven isn’t something awesome like a rally car event or some sort of gonzo drift-fest, which would have been awesome.  Oh hell no.  Turns out, Subaru Heaven is a bunch of abandoned Subaru Brats and shit under some oak tree on some fucking hill.

So, if you’re following this, you have some asshole parking a perfectly fine, running Subaru Forester under a fucking tree, giving it a sappy look and then driving off in another Forester.  As they drive off you then get some bullshit line about the fucking car living on “one part at a time”.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

Okay, if the fucking car drives, why the hell is this guy parking it under a fucking tree?  Why not give it to Goodwill or St. Vinnie’s or go on friggin’ craigslist and see if there are any single moms out there that need a good set of wheels?  And then, I’m guessing this fucker is all into recycling and shit, which is why he parks the car under a tree.  In the middle of a fucking forest.  Where it can leak oil, radiator fluid and tranny fluid into the ground water and kill all the fucking salmon.  I know, I know.  He wants it to live on “one part at a time”.  I got news for you.  There are already places where cars live on one part at a time.  They’re called scrap yards, asshole.  You can go there, and, believe it or not, buy junked Subaru parts “one part at a time”! I know, it’s fucking crazy.  Who knew right?

Whoever came up with this concept should be slapped.  Whichever art director passed this should be bitch-slapped.  And the dumb shit who okayed this at Subaru to be shown on the TV?  I don’t know.  Something bad.  Okay, I got nothing.  I got distracted halfway writing this fucking paragraph by a Playtex ad.  I mean, there’s boobs!  What?  Where are we now?  Okay, time to hit the publish button.

ps – turns out, I’m not the only one who thinks that Subaru Heaven is a load of shit.

Hey, Asshole. Where You Been?

Well, I’ve been meditating (read: getting drunk and hiding out in the blanket fort) about what the future holds.  Right now, I’m pretty sure we’re headed towards a Mad Max reality.  But anyways, enough about me.

While I’ve been, er, meditating, I have to say that you, my loyal following, kick a lot of ass.  For reals.  I mean, you all check out where I’m at for the Worst Blog of All Time?  That’s right, right on the tail of Paris “I use MS Paint to Draw Cum on the Faces of Celebs” Hilton!  Okay, maybe “right on the tail” is the wrong phrase for someone whose stomping my brains in, and honestly, his isn’t the tail I’d like to, er, be on, but you get the idea.  I’m second, motherfuckers!  And all thanks to hyper-intelligent voters out there.

Next, I’d like to thank Melanie, Mr. Syzlak, Owlette, JDog and Devilman (I know I’m fogetting some others, so apologies) for keeping, well, I guess my head, in it.  You all are the best.  Thanks for sticking in there.

Anyways, I think I’m back.

Sphinn: Free Melanie Phung!!!

Whoa – I mean, not that this is promotion where you get a free Ms. Phung with every comment.  I mean, that’d be cool and all, but I don’t think she’d be down with that.  Besides, with a whopping three readers, that means there’d need to be like, what, five of her?  I digress.

The point of this post isn’t that there’s some sort of Melanie Phung give-away.  It’s quite to the contrary.  Earlier, I tried to post an incredibly well-written, enlightened article about social media marketing from her blog to the Sphinn.  I mean, those people seem to eat that shit up.  Mention Digg or the Twitter and it’s a damn near orgy of, er, well, those people get excited.  So, in the spirit of sharing (hard to believe, I know.  What can I say, I’m a stingy motherfucker!), I eagerly went to the Sphinn to submit Ms. Phung’s article and was met with:

URL is invalid or blocked: (http://www.all-about-content.com/2008/07/how-not-to-use-social-media.html)

Huh?  Melanie Phung’s blog’s URL was blocked?  Did they have the right person?

I tried again and received the same result.  Melanie Phung, who’s on there quite a bit, making comments, reporting spam and promoting other people’s stories, can not have one of her stories promoted on the Sphinn.

Surely, this must be some sort of mistake.  I mean, my blog isn’t banned and I had that one crazy lady call me and the Streko liar and rapists on the Sphinn and I managed to piss in the Cheerios of that one “comedian” (using the term extremely lightly) with the sombrero.  Hell, I was even too controversial for Michael “Matt Cutts Is A Clown” Gray at one time!  All I’m really known for is my loyalty to the word of Ms. Whalen (seriously, let me know if anyone’s fucking with you), kicking ass in the poop porn and generally being awesome.  Melanie, on the other hand, is actually a valuable member of the community.  Me, not so much.  Though I did give all you all SEO Standards (I have yet to receive any oxen or children, btw).  But Melanie, she’s finding and sharing good information while creating some of the more compelling pieces about search marketing.  And yet her domain is banned.

Banned.  As in, not able for a jackass like me to post a well-written piece to it.  As in, “Gee, thanks for participating, Melanie!  Someone wants to submit an article of yours?  Well, I’m sorry.  You’ll have to go fuck yourself.”  As in total fucking bullshit.

It just seems weird to me that despite all the crazy and questionable shit that pops up in there from time to time, Melanie’s blog is banned.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  And if it doesn’t make sense to you, I urge you to take up the “Free Melanie Phung (not that she’s in jail but we just want her blog to be un-banned in the Sphinn)” cause.  Join the movement.  Get engaged.  The revolution is afoot.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Okay, heads up, this week’s kind of sucks. That’s all I’m going to say. I have no excuses or reasons – it just does. Seriously.

1. Apparently some scientists have never seen a dog screw someone’s leg. Nor have they heard of the interweb where this kind of awesome shit can be found in spades. Maybe Miss South Caroline was right. At any rate, I fail to see what makes it so “rare”. Funny yeah, but rare?

2. Woody Allen is apparently making the best movie ever. Okay, it might actually suck, but I’m sure there’s at two minutes that’ll be worth a shit.

3. I’m the only one who likes The Final Countdown. I can take a hint. But, before I let this drop, let it be known that not only have I given the SEO Industry standards, I’ve also given you people a theme song. Hell, I even suggested an official band for the industry! If you all don’t like my standards and my theme song suggestion, come up with your own.

4. You don’t fuck with Loretta Lynn. Yet, she sings these things so sweetly!

5. There’s a reason people want to beat the shit out of English majors.

6. Fuck your flying sharks, flying tanks, flying kittens and flying dogs. Flying Swiss!

7. I think a congratulations is in order for Ms. Mel and for El Tigre! Ms. Mel – I can always fix that link if you like. 😉

Alright, no all you all can get back to the Twitter now that it’s fixed or that drama of the fake news story that got all those links. Honestly, I’d be surprised if anyone even bothered to read this shit today! I mean, c’mon! They got a spot on Fox that’s playing on the YouTube! You know you want to go in there. Besides, it’s Friday. It’s not like you’re going to get any real work done. 😉

Final Countdown Throwdown, Part 2

Alright, it’s been a while since the first Final Countdown Throwdown, and since I got nothing today I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for another installment of FCT. Last time, as you recall (and if you don’t you better get your ass to that post), the pale-faced, screechy boys from Norther had their asses handed to them by some random guys in matching black t-shirts at some random county fair. How did Norther lose, you ask? Because no one else voted and I decided SRGIBT’s were the ultimate of awesome. Plus, this blog is a dictatorship (and, perhaps dicktatorship) and I liked them better anyways.

In this installment, we have Children of Bodom (what or where the hell is Bodom?) versus the Squarepants Funtime Band. First up, COB:

Okay, now that’s pretty fucking awesome. It’s got the fucking hot ass licks of speed metal plus the screechy vocals combined with a galloping beat we’ve come to expect from death/speed metal covers of the Final Countdown. The interesting thing is on the YouTube there’s all sorts of debate over whether or not this is really Children of Bodom or if it’s Norther or some other band. Personally, I could give a shit. I don’t know who any of these bands are anyways if they didn’t have covers of the Final Countdown! God, I want to go out and destroy shit and build a rocket. And the fucking solo – fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH! That’s how you get it the fuck on! And the fucking double pedaling on the bass drum? Shit, I have to go change my pants.

Okay, after that well of awesomeness, next up is the Squarepants Funtime Band:

I have to admit, this is a very tame and true to the original version of Final Countdown. While initially I was all for the “let’s go burn down some libraries and fuck shit up” version by COB (or whichever band it is), what you have to give the Spongebob Funtime Band is they brought all the pomp and majesty of glam rock while amping it up for the arena. Costumes – excellent idea. I know the whole high school marching band thing has been done to death, but so has 80’s hair metal. It’s kitschy and cool all at the same time. Might I dare say, oh yes, this is fucking punk rock (used as an adjective, not musical genre). And if you doubt how hard this rocks, just check out the looks on the faces of the crowd. Lucky bastards. The only thing that would be luckier for them is if the arena collapsed and killed them all so they wouldn’t have to face the disappointment of nothing being as fucking awesome as the rock spectacle the Squarepants Funtime Band honored them with.

This is gonna’ be a tough call for me. While I love the “make-you-want-to-punch-your-boss-in-the-face” sound of COB’s version of Final Countdown, I appreciate and admire the audacity of the Squarepants Funtime Band. This your chance to pick a winner! And I don’t mean from your nose!

I’m a Uniter, Not a Divider

Turns out that I’m the one who could turn the reputation of the search industry around. “What’s that?” you ask.

Remember all that bullshit when aimClear was all upset and calling the Feds about some assholes on StumbleUpon after he got one of their compadres banned? And how there was all this hand-wringing and bullshit about the reputation of the search industry and how it needed to be fixed? Then how our boy Syzlak wrote a good, but largely ignored post about our perception and part of the problem we have? Yeah, all that? Well, it turns out I’m the answer to the problem.

You all know how humble I am, so this isn’t just some braggart bragging about how fucking awesome he is, though I am pretty fucking awesome. I think when some people think “SEO Hack”, they automatically think “fucking awesome”. Try it with your friends. But anyways, I digress. When I signed up for StumbleUpon, I immediately had two people come and tell me how awesome I was. Well, actually, they more less stated that I’m an asshole, I don’t belong on StumbleUpon and that if they had their way me and my ilk would be butchered with our guts strung up in the trees while they fucked our severed heads. Hey, it’s their sick fantasy, not mine. But have you seen my review page lately? If you haven’t, shame on you. Seriously, what the hell is your problem? If you have, you will see that one of the mindless haters is being a little more mindful and less of a hater. He actually says I’m okay. I’m okay! Okay, so he just says he retracts his earlier statement. Well, it’s not fucking awesome, but it’s sure a whole helluva’ lot better than having my guts strung up in some tree for magpies to pick at while some weird motherfucker has his or her way with my cranium.

So what am I getting at here? I should be a keynote speaker at SES or SMX, goddammit! That I am fucking awesome and I am the poster child for bridging the gap between the search community and the rest of the world because, to be honest, the rest of you all are really fucking it all up.

Thank you and go sphinn Syzlak’s post.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

1. Apparently, the UK has dumb people too.

2. Italy is for pedophiles lovers.

3. Boys Girls grow up faster in Colorado.

4. Criminals will return to the scene of the crime! And can we all hope he gets a great big ass-raping in prison? Is that uncalled for – you know – almost instant karma?

5. The Coos Bay Wal-Mart may want to consider increasing their employee’s wages. Money for nothing and the chicks for free?

6. The interweb will collapse on Tuesday.

7. Syzlak wrote an excellent article about the search marketer’s reputation and got totally fucking ignored. For shame, search community, for shame.