Archive for July, 2008

My Obligatory Post About Cuil

July 28, 2008

It sucks.  That’s all I have.  And it looks like that’s pretty much what everyone else has been saying.  So, yeah, there’s a new search engine put out by some people from Google and it sucks.

Oh, and this whole trend of naming shit with hard to pronounce names that say something that’s pretty easy to say, what the fuck is up with that?  It looks like a friggin’ made up word.  Is it?  My money is that it is, but I can’t be bothered to look that shit up because I’m lazy and only college kids research shit.  Fuck that.  Why not name it something awesome, like “trans-am.com” or “notgoogle.com”?  I mean, the first one is fucking cool.  Who didn’t love the Trans Ams?  And if you say you didn’t, you’re a friggin’ liar.  And the second, it pretty much sums up what this “search engine” is – not Google.   And you can actually say and spell both of those!  The fact that some dumbass (such as moi) can’t remember how to spell your name just spells failure.  And I think your former overlords would concur – dumbasses click on lots of ads and make them lots of money.  Shit, we hit that back button and then click the ad again sometimes!  You really want to keep people like me off your site?

So, in conclusion, I think their search sucks, I hate the layout and really hate the fucking name.  Thank you and have  a good evening.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

July 25, 2008

Damn, what a week! Not only did I learn a bunch of crap, I actually worked and shit! Amazing, I know. But seriously, it’s been crazy. There’s a ton of drama in this fishbowl of an industry, some of it I was drawn into. Yes, I asked for my Sphinn submisson to be pulled when I realized it was bad juju. But that’s not the only bit of it. There’s the lingering Blogher crap, which showed me some people have no humor, and then the whole dust up over that one article that one guy wrote for SEOmoz. Know which one I’m talking about? I’m sure you do. Anyways, all this crankiness and aggressive behavior leads me to one conclusion: the industry needs to get laid.

Plus, on a sad note, Estelle Getty passed on. Because I’m not very bright, every morning I would wake up with my TV tuned to Lifetime and wonder what the fuck happened to me the night before. And then I’d remember I was curled up on the couch cuddling a 32 ounce cup of gin and tonic. I love me the Golden Girls. Some of the funniest shit you’ll ever see, even twenty years later. And a huge part of it was the way Ms. Getty played Sophia Petrillo. She was the perfect foil to Dorothy’s more rational, common sense POV as well as to Bea Arthur’s timing. It was always nice to imagine her out there somewhere raising hell. Yeah, I know it’s acting, but she played that role brilliantly. Rest in peace, “ma”.

So, enough about the homelife. Here’s what I learned on the interweb:

1. I’m not crazy! There – vindication, and by an astronaut none the less!

2. MSNBC loves their puns. I just wish instead of “stalking”, they would have went with “stocking” in the title tag for that page. Get it? “Stocking” the Pantyhose Bandit”? Hahhahahahh! Well, screw you then. It’s not like I write for the fucking New Yorker or something. If you think my writing sucks, might I recommend the fine works of Michael Johnson.

3. Believe it or not, a conference called “BlogHer” has all female panels. No shittin’! Surprised? Eh. Me neither. But some people seem to be. Perhaps they’ll enjoy SES San Jose this year.

4. Apparently, Snickers has decided to go with Mr. T over Jesse Jackson for their “Get More Nuts” campaign.

5. Poetry sucks compared to the perfect cake.

6. Not satisfied with fucking up the interweb by essentially creating the MFA phenomenon, Google launched Knol. Great, after sifting through fucking Wikipedia listings, I’m gonna’ have to sift through a bunch of fucking Knol listings. As soon as they figure out the best way to monetize these, we’re gonna’ be super-fucked. Well, at least until the world realizes there are other search engines besides Google.

7. There are some freaky-ass pigs out there. Or perhaps we’re getting a glimpse of our future monkey pig overlords?

Alright, I’m gonna’ go see if there’s a Golden Girls marathon on somewhere. Sorry it took me all day (Pacific time!) to get this handled.

SES San Jose 08 Is A Dude Fest. Happy, Mr. Gray?

July 24, 2008

In my email this morning, I saw some message from the Search Engine Strategies people about how they updated the list of speakers for SES San Jose 08 or something or other. Hell, I think that’s what it was. Doesn’t matter; I was friggin’ bored, so I clicked on it.

What did I find, you ask? Michael Gray got his wish – an SEO sausage party!

Seriously, are these people not paying attention? Lord knows I’m not a feminist. I mean, I like chicks and all that, but this isn’t about me taking a Women’s Studies course. This is about some big-time industry event seemingly not finding any capable women to speak at their SEO conference*. It’s not like SES San Jose is something me and Syzlak put together in the backyard and invited our favorite drunks people we respect. Hell no. This search marketing conference represents the fucking industry. By the way, if Syzlak and I were to put on an event such as SES San Jose, you can bet your ass we’d have more ladies there than just strippers. Well, I hope. Actually, probably not. It’d likely be just the two of us bitching at each other while getting drunk. Without strippers.

So, anyways, congrats, Mr. Gray. You have taken the mommy bloggers to task and now have a total dude-fest for you to party down at. Now THAT is power!

*I know that there probably are some women speakers there, but looking at the page I linked to, you’d think they were “second class citizens”. 😉

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

July 18, 2008

Man, with the lack of posting this week, all you all might think I’m actually Syzlak. Or am I? Anyways, it’s just been a helluva’ week. I mean, there’s that whole work thing where the bossman thinks I need to actually do something to earn my wage, and then all the interweb drama starting with some jackass last Friday and going all the way through to this week, where some “ethical” marketing troll took it upon herself to pick a fight with a comrade of mine among many others.

Speaking of which, there is an art to knowing when to shut the fuck up. I don’t usually try to tell people what to do, well, aside from my SEO Standards, and I realize that the person who should probably be reading this the most will never see it. But for the three or four of you who do, you probably don’t need a lecture from a jackass like me. But whatever. The thing is, this thing called the interweb is wonderful for expressing one’s self, even if that expression is one of dislike and contempt for another. Yes, one should stick up for one’s self and one’s friends. However, when that “expression” turns into a way to alienate someone you care about from their colleagues and making people question associating with that person due to their association with you, you need to step back from the keyboard and monitor and really think long and hard about what you’re doing. At that point, it’s not about “being you” or whatever new-age hippie bullshit you tell yourself. It goes beyond you. It goes to the heart of destroying the reputation of those who you hold dear and associate yourself with. And at that point, that is point at which you need to learn to shut the fuck up. Besides, you’re just gonna’ get hung by your own words.

Oh, and constantly threatening to sue others for doing the same shit you do to others? Just remember who the first victim of the guillotine was. Do unto others as you’d want un done to yourself and all that.

So, with that, on with the Semper Fi edition of 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week!

1. Subway’s new $5 Footlong plus 7″ knife promotion isn’t being received well. I’m guessing Quizzno’s Zesty Meatball and Razor Blade sub wont’ be successful either.

2. Rebecca Kelley has very nice teeth. 4 out 5 RKFB’s agree! Yet another reason for my fanboy allegiance and loyalty. And yes, I recognize how fucking creepy this is.

3. Being Andy Dick sucks. And not just because that means you’re a drug-addled asshole and groper of teenage girls. No. It sucks because no matter what happens, when you wake up you’re still Andy Dick and you peaked by standing on the shoulders of others. That’s the best Andy Dick story I read since Lovitz put the beat down on Dick’s sorry ass.

4. Don’t fuck with Streko’s friends.

5. Comedy is hard to write, and nearly impossible for some. This isn’t a dig just ‘cuz someone was too much of a chicken shit to publish my comments or decided to be a dick to Ms. Rebecca Kelley. Okay, maybe it is. I mean, he goes after her with some cheap, throw-away comment that’s not even fucking original? WTF? But still. If this is an example of a comedy blog, then Dane Cook is the funniest motherfucker alive. Seriously. I’m pretty sure there’s another reason I’m feeling a little woozie – and it ain’t because of Badoozie. Maybe it’s because of the stench of failure or suckassdom? Perhaps too much bullshit? Or the overwhelming feeling of pity that though this guy is trying to pick a fight with the industry, we all realize he has a hard time fighting for air ‘cuz his head is so far up his ass? That’s probably why you’re feeling woozie, jackass. Pull your head out and realize that your mom is just saying those nice things ‘cuz that’s what mothers do. And you really ought to consider having sex with a robot if you get the chance. With PMS jokes and shit as your standard fare, that’s the only way you’re gonna’ get laid.

6. No matter how old I get or what level of success I achieve (or, rather, don’t achieve), poop stories will always crack me up. Thanks, El Tigre.

7. Either white girls can’t dance, or the Icky Shuffle and the Twist are making a comeback.

So, there it is. Have a good weekend and junk.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

July 11, 2008

It’s been a crazy fucking week, and it’s only getting crazier.  Hence the lack of commentary.  Anyways, all you all have a great weekend.

1. Jason Gambert is a bona fide jackass. The jackass in his own words at the Wikipedia.

2. Being rich is still fucking awesome. For reals. If I were that fat slob you wouldn’t see Heidi Klum or that model within ten miles of my fat ass.

3. ZOMG GOOGLE IS NOW SHOWING USER NUMBERS WITH THEIR KEYWORD TOOL OMG I’M GONNA’ POOP MY PANTS OMFG SOMEONE PLEASE PUT A POST UP ON IT ON THE SPHINN CUZ I DON’T THINK ANYONE HAS YET OMG I DID POOP MY PANTS THIS IS CRAYZEEEEEE ANOTHER POST ON THE SPHINN PUHLEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, enough is enough. They’re just filling a hole that the Overture Keyword Tool left. When have you not known these people to capitalize on an opportunity?

4. Word of advice to all you all who got a Russian mail order bride – don’t get drunk and piss her off. You know these folks are hardkore.

5. Paris Hilton has size 11 feet.

6. If this is the future of our military, get prepared to learn a new language.  Seriously – who the hell is going to be intimidated by those guys?

7.  I’m fucking awesome.  ‘Nuff said.

Day 3 – Free Melanie Phung!

July 10, 2008

It’s apparent my plea to let Melanie’s domain be unblocked by the Sphinn has fallen on deaf ears. It’s a travesty, I’m sure, but I’m sure the Sphinn has its reasons. The Streko even went as far as to sfin the initial post that started the revolution. Granted, it was done in Mad Libs (which are great for family fun!), yet the Sphinn blocks Melanie’s domain.

I started a hunger strike, but after an hour I yielded. Hey, I’m a fat guy, give me a fucking break! Sure, if i was a fucking vegetarian it’d be easy! You ever try a fucking tofu dog? Exactly. There’s a reason those people are fucking scrawny. Then I decided to go on a booze-strike. After half an hour I got the shakes so bad and it felt like bugs were crawling all over me that I yielded then too. I thought about a blog strike, but realized with a readership of four or so, it wouldn’t really matter so much. I thought about taking down the interweb, but quickly realized I’m too lazy and too dumb to try that. Besides, then where would I get my porn? From the corner store like a common politician? Fuck that.

So, the Sphinn, I urge you to do the right thing and let Melanie Phung’s domain free from your gulag. She’s a good person, and she likes puppies and babies and rainbows*. How evil can she be if she like babies and puppies and rainbows? Unblock her domain today.

*This statement has not been verified as a fact. She may actually hate kick puppies, shake babies and point at rainbows (as you all know, pointing at rainbows makes them go away. When the hell did I get to know so much about rainbows?). But even if she doesn’t, please don’t hold that against her. Just unblock her friggin’ URL already!**

** As it turns out, she does like puppies and rainbows.  Don’t hold that against her either.

Sphinn: Free Melanie Phung!!!

July 8, 2008

Whoa – I mean, not that this is promotion where you get a free Ms. Phung with every comment.  I mean, that’d be cool and all, but I don’t think she’d be down with that.  Besides, with a whopping three readers, that means there’d need to be like, what, five of her?  I digress.

The point of this post isn’t that there’s some sort of Melanie Phung give-away.  It’s quite to the contrary.  Earlier, I tried to post an incredibly well-written, enlightened article about social media marketing from her blog to the Sphinn.  I mean, those people seem to eat that shit up.  Mention Digg or the Twitter and it’s a damn near orgy of, er, well, those people get excited.  So, in the spirit of sharing (hard to believe, I know.  What can I say, I’m a stingy motherfucker!), I eagerly went to the Sphinn to submit Ms. Phung’s article and was met with:

URL is invalid or blocked: (http://www.all-about-content.com/2008/07/how-not-to-use-social-media.html)

Huh?  Melanie Phung’s blog’s URL was blocked?  Did they have the right person?

I tried again and received the same result.  Melanie Phung, who’s on there quite a bit, making comments, reporting spam and promoting other people’s stories, can not have one of her stories promoted on the Sphinn.

Surely, this must be some sort of mistake.  I mean, my blog isn’t banned and I had that one crazy lady call me and the Streko liar and rapists on the Sphinn and I managed to piss in the Cheerios of that one “comedian” (using the term extremely lightly) with the sombrero.  Hell, I was even too controversial for Michael “Matt Cutts Is A Clown” Gray at one time!  All I’m really known for is my loyalty to the word of Ms. Whalen (seriously, let me know if anyone’s fucking with you), kicking ass in the poop porn and generally being awesome.  Melanie, on the other hand, is actually a valuable member of the community.  Me, not so much.  Though I did give all you all SEO Standards (I have yet to receive any oxen or children, btw).  But Melanie, she’s finding and sharing good information while creating some of the more compelling pieces about search marketing.  And yet her domain is banned.

Banned.  As in, not able for a jackass like me to post a well-written piece to it.  As in, “Gee, thanks for participating, Melanie!  Someone wants to submit an article of yours?  Well, I’m sorry.  You’ll have to go fuck yourself.”  As in total fucking bullshit.

It just seems weird to me that despite all the crazy and questionable shit that pops up in there from time to time, Melanie’s blog is banned.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  And if it doesn’t make sense to you, I urge you to take up the “Free Melanie Phung (not that she’s in jail but we just want her blog to be un-banned in the Sphinn)” cause.  Join the movement.  Get engaged.  The revolution is afoot.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

July 7, 2008

So, this was almost all ready to go.  All I needed to do was pull the trigger and it was done.  But I fucked up.  You see, for the working class, the Fouth of July is nice, but really, the day to whoop it up is the Third of July.   You never get the Fifth of July off, unless you have a job that actually gives you weekends off.  But if you don’t?  Getting fucked up on the Fourth just means you’re gonna’ go to work hung over.  In the end, the big day to celebrate on is the Third.  But you know what?  People get all sorts of pissy and “Martha-call-the-cops-“y when you get drunk and start setting off fireworks at 11 o’clock at night on the Third.  And apparently cops don’t like it when you offer them a beer and say, “Chillax, oinky!”

Anyways, here’s this week’s 7.

1. Being rich is fucking awesome. Some poor, black ghetto kid or white trash trailer park kid – their shit would be in the stir for five to ten. But some 40 some year old Hollywood crack tramp with a good name? $95 and two half days of talking about her fucking feelings. Justice for all. Fuck that. Shit should be burning over this.

2. Apparently, there’s some sort of consumer electronics show in Vegas the same weekend as the hollowed AVN Awards show.

3. I don’t care if balloon artists have a code of conduct, I still don’t think the search industry needs one.

4. If you’re looking to make your wealth re-distribution economic stimulus check go further, head to the outskirts of Reno, comrade. Double your pleasure?

5. Looking at hot chicas is good for improving mood. Looking at douchebags is good for self esteem. Combining hot chicks and douchebags is genius. Though, I don’t think this does for women’s self-esteem. Seriously – if you have a bunch of girls that are considered pretty having their pics snapped with these douchebags, what does it say about about those gals? I mean, the men are douchebags. But

6. That dude who’s not a dude but a trans-dude that was supposed to be a dude having a baby had the baby. So in other words, some chick with extreme body mod had a kid or something. Thanks for keeping on eye on this developing story while on vacation, the Streko!

7.  Google is now able to crawl flash.  Lovely.  I’d bitch about this, but I doubt I’d say anything different than what Syzlak said.  Oh, except that the interweb is gonna’ totally suck for fuckers with the dial-up.

Alright all you all.  See ya Friday, I hope.

The Battle For Worst Blog Of All Time Sallies Forth

July 3, 2008

Hey, I’d just like to extend a quick thank you to the seven people who are taking up the mantle and helping me fight the bad fight against Perez Hilton and his domination of “Worst Blog Of All Time”. And who are those seven people, you ask?

Well, in a shameless link plug that hopefully doesn’t sink any battleships, these fine, intelligent example of what’s best about mankind:

First up, Ms. Phung, our very own baby momma of content. She’s the one who started this fight. Now it’s up to us to finish it.

Comrade Syzlak, loyal to a fault. Actually, not really. He might consider throwing my sorry ass under the bus. But he did vote anyways!

And then there’s the Streko, who thinks this is some sort of scam. And the elegant doomster hisself, Bill D, who seconds the motion. But you know what? They still voted anyways!

I’d be remiss not to mention that even Matt McGee, the nicest guy in the industry, has voted for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! to win Worst Blog of All Time. If Matt voted, it can’t be all bad, can it?

Let’s not forget Katy8439. Honestly, I have no idea who the hell this is. But I do know this – Katy is obviously a person of superior intelligence and integrity. Just tell me where to point the link!

And finally, last but not least, there’s Justin, who made the big trek from Arizona to Wisconsin. Despite totally uprooting his entire life for a couple of days visit to the fam, he’s taken the time and has the courage to do the right (-ish) thing – vote to defeat Perez Hilton’s domination!

I completely understand what a pain in the ass it is to go there, register and then vote. It almost kept me from doing what I’m asking of you. It really is. I mean, why so much bullshit to go through? And the fucking site crashes? What the hell? That’s fucked up! But please don’t let it keep you from creating an account and voting for the Worst Blog of All Time. Join the ranks of these loyal, awesome and hyper-intelligent folks. Help a fucker, will ya?