7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week.

So, basically, for the last few months of unemployment, I’ve not been on the interweb so much.  As such, the following is going to totally suck.  Really.  I think your time would be better spent hitting yourself in the balls, or if you don’t have balls, hitting your neighbor in the balls.  Really.  And don’t blame me for it sucking.  Oh hell no.  I’m not taking the fall for this one.  I’m blaming Lifetime and their three hours of Wife Swap they have on every day.  Speaking of which, I gotta’ go.

1.  I told you all the  Twitter was no good.

2.  Someone finally found something good to do with sheep.  Well, besides making tasty street food that the Streko used to torture me about having access to.  Bastard.  I’d be eating Saltines and butter and he’d be all, “Guess what I had for lunch?” and I’d be all, “I dunno.” And he’d be all “Lamb kabob, you poor dumb fucker who doesn’t get to eat tasty lamb and yellow rice!”

3.  Jessica Simpson is exactly as smart as we think she is.

4.  I have nothing to say about this, except that it made Syzlak smile. And if it made him smile, it’s either really fucking awesome or something really fucking horrible.  Either way, it’s better than Al Roker.  So, it must really fucking awesome.  Okay, moving along . . . .

5.  Fred Durst is apparently making his last loop in the fame toilet.  And who knew he was that old?  Now, he just looks like that creepy guy in the bathroom at the bar who’s talking loudly about having banged some hot, young chick a million years ago.  Way to be that creepy guy, Freddy.  Though, to his credit, when’s the last time anyone thought of Fred Durst?

6.  Damn, that Facebook redesign must really be crap.

7.  Criss Angel is still a douchebag.  I’m glad to see some thing never change.

There you have it, assuming you actually made it through this and didn’t take my advise and punch your neighbor in the balls.  I bet you wish you had now.

Jennifer Linnuste Is Someone Who Works Somewhere, I Think

Alright, so all you all still remember that Jason Gambert fool who was going register “SEO” as a patent or trademark or something?  And then all he did was piss everyone off by making fake comments in blogs that called him on his shit?  And then we sent seven ways of crazy and decided he was going to be his own lawyer ala Sideshow Bob?  Yeah, that fucker.  This has nothing to do with him.  But if you look in the comments of my (should have been) Pulitzer nominated article (a term I’m using incredibly loosely here), then you’d see the latest controversy brewing: who exactly does Jennifer Linnuste work for?

No offense to Ms. Linnuste, but I don’t know who she is.  I can only assume she is incredibly attactive and very intelligent, as are all my readers.  What can I say?  If beautiful, intelligent people are moths, then I am their flame.  Though, I hope that doesn’t mean they start reading this and end up screaming and looking like a burn victic (no offense to burn victims).  Anyways, all I’m trying to say is that I’m awesome, and therefore since I am awesome, my readers must be some of the most intelligent, and extemely sexy people in the world.  I am not saying that I will light smart and beautiful people on fire.  That’s just bad business, especially if someday I plan on kidnapping all of these smart and beautiful people and starting my own high class prostitute empire.

Anyways, so it turns out, Jennifer Linnuste hopped on the Jason Gambert thread and left another interesting tidbit about everyone’s favorite jackass, Jason Gambert.  Turns out he takes credit for shit he doesn’t do.  Which isn’t a surprise since he more or less took credit for creating the term “SEO” and “search engine optimization”.  But as I said earlier, this has less to do with who Jason Gambert is (a jackass) and more to do with who Jennifer Linnuste is (apparently hot and smart).  Anyways, a few days later someone came back and said Ms. Linnuste had been shitcanned from getupdated.com, to which Jennifer replied, “Nuh uh.”

So, based on the comments and as little effort as possible, here are the conclusions I’ve drawn:

– Jennifer Linnuste is a super-hot lady with lots of brains since she reads this blog, or at least did once.

– Jennifer Linnuste is Swedish, which, if television has told me correctly, proves my “she’s hot!” theory.

– Don’t piss off Swedes or they’ll do something, like leave a comment on a blog about you being a liar and not having a job.

– Jennifer Linnuste probably still works for getupdated.com, regardless of what the fake Mike Pedone says.

– Mike Pedone may or may not work for getupdated.com, as does some random dude named Clinton (who isn’t Clinton Kelley from What Not To Wear).  And this guy Clinton claims to have invented the word “SEO”.  And he may or may not be able to dispense fashion advise (I’m leaning towards not).

– I apparently don’t have a life on Friday nights and stay home, getting drunk watching TLC.

– Jason Gambert is still a jackass.

So there you have it – the next big search marketing “controversy” that threatens to pit SEO vs SEO and cause a giant rift in the industry.  Or not.  Man, I have to go pee.

Hey, Asshole. Where You Been?

Well, I’ve been meditating (read: getting drunk and hiding out in the blanket fort) about what the future holds.  Right now, I’m pretty sure we’re headed towards a Mad Max reality.  But anyways, enough about me.

While I’ve been, er, meditating, I have to say that you, my loyal following, kick a lot of ass.  For reals.  I mean, you all check out where I’m at for the Worst Blog of All Time?  That’s right, right on the tail of Paris “I use MS Paint to Draw Cum on the Faces of Celebs” Hilton!  Okay, maybe “right on the tail” is the wrong phrase for someone whose stomping my brains in, and honestly, his isn’t the tail I’d like to, er, be on, but you get the idea.  I’m second, motherfuckers!  And all thanks to hyper-intelligent voters out there.

Next, I’d like to thank Melanie, Mr. Syzlak, Owlette, JDog and Devilman (I know I’m fogetting some others, so apologies) for keeping, well, I guess my head, in it.  You all are the best.  Thanks for sticking in there.

Anyways, I think I’m back.

SEMpdx SearchFest ’09! Woohoo.

Another year, and another fine Searchfest.  It seems to get better each year, though I’m kind of bummed about this years lack of PDXers speaking.  I mean, you have Mintz, Syzlak, the Search Commander . . . these people know shit! And they’re local!  But at any rate, either way, this thing just gets better and better.  Seriously, all you all should get your asses to this event.  Want to see what you’re missing?  Well, then find a good live blogger and not me.  But at any rate . . . .

It’s a relief to see that Danny is not planning on disrobing like he did at SMX Advanced a few years back. He sounds a bit tired, sounds like he’s doing quite a few of these keynotes and is just trying to catch up.

Apparently, a few years back, Danny responded to a statement about Portland search by saying Port-where? Portland, Oregon, motherfucker! Read your itinerary, son! He defends himself by saying that there are marketers in Maine.  Okay, sure, give Maine some props.  But we all know Stumptown is THE Portland.  Get with it.

Alright, shit is getting some speed now.

Finally the mystery is solved SEM=SEO+PPC.  Wow, is it 2002 already?

Link building is still an unfortunate portion of SEM – the Danny should really just decree that link building doesn’t matter anymore.  Maybe then the Danny Deciphles and the Cuttlets will be all happy and junk.

Glad to hear the Danny stressing the importance of usability. Too often people try to just polish a turd.  But if a motherfucker can’t use your crappy site, they ain’t gonna’ pull any triggers.  Or certainly you’re gonna’ be leaving money on the table.

Btw, sem != seo  That’s right.  I don’t know what that means, but I thougth math would make it look more important.

The Danny sings the shit out of John Dvorak of PC Magazine.

I always love how often the Danny uses the word dude, even when he really shouldn’t be.  It’s kind of like that lovable frat boy/surfer your sister brought to Thanksgiving last year and made everything awkward.

Trying to rename SEO…not sure why, it sounds like it’s just to avoid being called snake oil salesmen. Seems kind of silly to just rebrand instead of agreeing to not talk out of our asses. Also, didn’t Syzlak rename SEO as searchability some time ago?  Just sayin’, me and the Syz are ahead of the curve is all.

Get rid of crap hat – huh?  Then what will we where to parties?

Danny Sullivan has become the Nancy Reagan of crap control; his orders are to just say no.  And now we’re going to launch an expensive, never-ending war against illegal crap content.  Great.  The street price of crap content just went up ten fold.

Mushrooms have kicked in, the Danny’s talking about a fairy land with dolphin unicorn dragon rainbows. And then the Danny says no hype cycles, only bicycles. He shows one, it’s lame. Told you all the Danny was a hippie.

Now we’re onto pixeldust – the man is loaded. Side note, there’s some guy in here wearing a white flat brimmed hat, not a fedora…the other one, the one that smooth guys on islands where. Like, someone that would be behind an evil scheme to put Magnum under.  Man, this is a fucked up city.

Nice to hear Danny just breeze past Paid Search, not saying that it’s good or bad, big or little, but more that it exists and is about on the same par as SEO. Very political.

Ahhhhhh, Wonder Twins references. Meh.  Syzlak did that already too.

Time for coffee, hair of dog and being awesome.

So, Here We Are

Yeah, it’s been a while again. Who knows.  I feel like I should live blog some shit, but I’m lazy, sick and in a shitty mood.  So who knows.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, stand by for news!  God bless, Mr. Harvey.  My radio sucks without you.

Anyways, yeah, we’ll see what happens.