7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

I think this week is sort of a wash. I mean, I think there’s some good stuff. But honestly, there wasn’t much to learn this week. Sure, there’s more on the Gambert debacle, but I wrote about that yesterday. Lesson learned – people are assholes. Though, can you really learn something you already knew? Then there’s a few people still trying to drag out the whole Lyndon Antcliff incident, which makes me scratch my head a little. Is there really anything left to be said about that? Really? And sure, money.co.uk fired him, which, in my opinion, is pretty chickenshit. I mean, you (speaking to my imaginary money.co.uk editorial board) either knew what he did and went along with it or didn’t know, which means you people should have been paying more attention. Or, the third way – they knew the potential for fallout and Antcliff and Company were paid to fall on the knife. Which is less chickenshit and more, I don’t want to say awesome, but it’s certainly something. But while theorizing and name-calling is fun, I didn’t really learn much from it.

One thing that is better about this week -vs- last week is that I actually checked the links. Yes, I made an effort! So Mel, Matt, you all have at it.

1. Dunkin’ Donuts and Rachel Ray are apparently cozying up to those hardliner, religious zealots – the Oompa-Loompas.

2. Some men make it hard for the rest of us to argue that we’re not just a bunch of stupid pigs that think with what’s behind our zippers and not under our hats. C’mon guy! You know that’s a total bullshit story made up to not make it look like you were wanting to bang her! Sure you didn’t watch her in the bedroom . . . and she didn’t wear clothes so as not to leave lint all over the place when dusting . . . jackass. Somebody is sooooo gonna’ get taken to the cleaners.

3. Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson have more in common than just being creepy, white pop-stars.

4. sleeping baby in onesy = cute. grown man in onesy = fucking hilarious. Now there’s a fetish you don’t want to have to explain to grandma.

5. There are some things worse than getting drunk and going to bed at two with a ten and waking up at ten with a two. For instance, getting drunk and waking up with a swayzaur.

6. I’m inspiring innovation. Or I’m an annoying pain in the ass that someone is trying to prove wrong. I’m happy either way.

7. The Twitter is still sucking, but at least they’re sucking hard with a cute picture of birds lifting a whale. I don’t have anything (well, not much) against the Twitter, but with all these ups and downs and talk of “getting funded”, I know we all want to be as close to the edge as possible, but now perhaps we can have honest conversations about Twitter’s real potential? Interesting how the chatter about Twitter has dried up as the ups and downs drag on. Perhaps Twitter’s lovers are a fickle bunch?

Alright, so there it is. Perhaps I’ll catch you all next week.

Jason Gambert, Thank You, Idiot

I was about to shutter this blog and call it done. But the ember of Mr. Gambert’s idiocy was enough to get the fire going again.

It started with a post by SEOmoz’s Sarah Bird about Gambert doing some sort of last minute heroics to keep his bullshit trademark case alive. Amazing? Not really. If somebody has taken something this far, is there any way you’re gonna’ give up? Hell no! Especially when it’s been giving you all the attention mommy and daddy gave to your smarter, pretty little sister. How many people in the industry know who SEO Hack is? About a dozen. How many people in the industry know the name Jason Gambert? There you go.

After reading the article, I was a little fired up, but honestly not enough to overcome my disgust and my apathy. Sure, there was even talk of his stupid sock puppets, which even managed to come by and spam my comments on Jason Gambert, Consider Registering Jackass. I mean, seriously guy. If you’re gonna’ do shit like that, you gotta’ be thinking about how fucking easy it is to connect the dot between your IP’s . I mean, that’s first grade shit. Learn the words “anonymous” and “proxy”. Seriously. It just made you look like a clown. And not even a scary clown. Just an ass clown. But enough about you.

Even the inconsistencies about him trying register SEO because it’s his process and then creating a blog to act as our martyr/savior didn’t motivate me. His crazy assertion that using Google to look up stuff based on the merits of his petition weren’t fair because Google wasn’t around in 1997? Nothing, except he looks like a crazy motherfucker. Everything that Ms. Bird pointed out about him, from the inane to the insane, just made me think he was a complete asshole but wasn’t enough to motivate me to write about him.

Then I saw the Gambert sockpuppet was harrassing ArteWorks’ associates about the company’s “honesty and integrity”. Honesty and integrity. This man, who is trying to manipulate the industry to his will, is questioning honesty and integrity? This son of a bitch, who’s speaking out both sides of his mouth, is questioning someone’s honesty and integrity? This fucking clown, who makes it out like those who filed petitions to have his petition removed are going to physically harm him, is questioning anybody’s honesty and integrity? Fuck that.

The man wouldn’t even know fucking honesty and integrity if they came up, punched him in the fucking throat and then had their way with him in the middle of the fucking day. Furthermore, the only person that is hurting Jason Gambert is Jason Gambert. The industry knows your kind. And you need to put down the fucking thinner if you think you can actually trick a government lawyer into falling for your schtick. That’s even assuming the motherfucker actually exists!

Listen, Gambert, the thing is, you need to learn when to fold. You can’t bluff your way through this. You are your own worst enemy here. You’ve shown everyone your hand. Back away from the table.

And thank you for the inspiration.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

I know I usually say this weeks 7 are horrible. But you know what? Considering I’m getting ready to spend three days shitfaced have a nice long weekend, and I had shit I had to get done, I think it turned out pretty damn good! Especially since I’m still reeling from Syzlak and everyone telling me what the hell FTW really meant. Seriously, we’re a bunch a wussies for that one. Anyways, a great three day weekend to all you all in the States, and to the rest of you all, I’ll have a drink in honor you having to work (ha! ha! suckers!).

1. Rodica Trandafir makes Andy Stitzer look like a friggin’ manwhore. Only I bet this movie isnt’ nearly as funny. But she’s certified!. Thanks, Bagel!

2. That guy who created N’Sync and the Backstreet boys is going to the hoosegow, but not for torturing us ears with that shit parade he created. Seriously, he should get another 25 years on top of what he got for tax evasion. And I don’t care what you all say about Justin Timberlake, the fucker did NOT bring sexy back!

3. Amy Winehouse’s house is haunted. Um, yeah, it’s “haunted”. And bossman, I’m not drunk, I’m “possessed”. By the “spirits”. And I like to talk in “quotes”. When I’m “possessed” by “spirits”.

4. A donkey goes on a rampage and everyone assumes he’s a drunk ass. They never said he was all baracho; they just tossed him in the tank is all! You all ever think that maybe he was just having a bad day? Life’s tough enough in southern Mexico, what with all the illegal aliens sneaking across the border and all the annoying touristas wanting to have their picture taken with him. Give the poor guy a break!

5. About the time I think my fellow Americans are becoming a bunch of weak-stomached, namby pamby wienie men, along comes Canadian Waddah Mustapha to prove me it’s wussy-ville everywhere. C’mon guy, grow a set, will ya? I mean, for chrissakes, it was just water!!! What kind of fucked up sex drive do you have?

6. Matt Cutts speaks, and the search marketing industry gets all FUDdy over it. C’mon people. The sky ain’t falling.

7. What can I say, it’s a bonafide chocolate starfish. Hope it don’t taste like shit? Melts in your mouth, not in your hand? The Smart Bitches said it best. I got nothing.

Was that pretty good or what? Wasn’t totally phoned in. And wasn’t totally crap either. I deserve a drink.

Now Where’s Your God, Tweeple?

Roughly 98% of the search marketing industry has drank the Twitter-Aid.  We have our matching black Nikes.  We’ve resorted to calling each other cutesy (but really fucking annoying) little names and writing love letters to Twitter.  We have sang it’s praises and its unlimited potential for our clients and our businesses.  We’ve lavished praise on those companies that have found our bitches and moans on the Twitter as well as those who we think are “doing it right”.  This thing has become just shy of a cult – and I’d call it a cult but I use it and I wouldn’t be a part of a cult that’d have me as a cult member.

We’ve bought into the Twitter and have been actively selling it as “the place to be” for our clients.

Okay, so do we really want to sell ourselves to a fucking platform that’s been up and down for the last five days?  Is it wise to advise our clients to put their marketing monies and energy into something that’s acting this fucking unreliable? Seriously?

At least those fucking Burma Shave signs could be counted on to be on the fence posts at the end of the day.

Bill Gates Lives In Alternate Universe; Has Magic Tablet PC

Bill Gates is a crazy motherfucker. Seriously. According to a Vanessa Fox post on the Twitter, apparently Mr. Gates said some crazy-ass shit like “Google image and video searches are OK, but not really innovative compared to Live” (that’s quote’s from Ms. Fox’s Twitter thingy).

Is he fucking crazy?!?!?!?!? Has he ever tried searching fucking Live.com?!?!?!?!?! Am I using too many question and exclamation marks??!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Seriously though – did he really say that shit with a straight face? Every fucking time I try to use fucking Live.com for search I want to kill a motherfucker. Their results are garbage. And I’m no fucking Cuttlett or uber-Google fanboy, but the motherfuckers are doing some shit right. Mr. Gates, you and your buddy Crazy Legs Ballmer should check out what they’re doing down there and take some fucking notes. Or buy a new dictionary so you understand the definition of “innovative”. I mean, you people can’t even figure out how to redirect me to perhaps the correct spelling of a search that I fucked up!!!

It’s shit like this that’s why Microsoft and MSN are going down the shitter. They need to quit huffing their own fumes and just figure out how to not fuck up search. Or Windows. Or Xbox. Or Zune.

In other MSN Sucks News, Ballmer gets egged.

Offline World Lesson #1 – People Are Assholes

For me, the last couple of days feel like the online and offline world are violently colliding in misunderstandings of how the two operate. For me, it’s the realization that FTW doesn’t mean “Fuck the World” but something far, far less hardkore. For the owner of Beso Mexican Grill and Cantina, it’s that being an asshole to someone who’s online can only make you look like a super-dick both offline and on.

Case in point – this article about how Beso’s owner threatens a gal after a horrible Yelp review that our very own Baby Momma of Content Miss Melanie called out on the Twitter. Basically, this gal has a horrible experience at some Mexican restaurant in St. Louis, wrote up a review more or less saying, “This place is horrible and likely to be featured on COPS” and now she’s being threatened and shit. The amazing part is this guy doesn’t know when to shut the hell up and he’s getting all sorts of bad press.

Even more interesting is that these people have a fucking website! I don’t know what the point of the site is – there’s no menu or restaurant hours – but there is one. Which makes me think these people really didn’t think much further ahead than “Hey man, we needs to get on that interweb!” Speaking of the site, if I were them, I’d lose the lipstick kiss over the Italian flag. I understand that their name means “kiss” in Spanish, but it reminds me of getting dirty glassware. Next, what the fuck does the Italian flag have to do with Mexican food? Put that goddamm eagle and cactus back on that damn thing! Jeez! You have an online reputation you’re trying to wreck here!

Anyways, the point here is that while in the offline world you can have some success bullying and intimidating people, it’s not so easy to do that in the online world. All that happens is that you look like a bigger asshole than you initially looked like. A better response would have been to offer the writer of the review some apologies and a free dinner. Unless she found pubes in her salad, she probably would have taken that guy up on that and maybe changed her review. And while I’m an advocate of being an asshole if you want to, you have to realize there’s risk involved and to pick your battles better. If the person went on the interweb and posted a bad review of your crappy eatery, if you put ten seconds of thought into it you realize she probably has friends online to share her story with. So, not only do you look like an asshole, you look like a stupid asshole for leaving threatening messages and all that. She’s the victim, you’re the stupid ass bully who doesn’t know there’s an internet thingy. At that point the “shut the fuck up” strategy might be a good play.

In summary, the world is full of assholes. Some of these assholes are stupid. Hope you’re dealing with stupid assholes, but not violent stupid assholes. And if it turns out you’re an asshole, whatever you do offline is going to be magnified 10x online. In turn, whatever you do online will also make you look like an asshole 10x in the offline world.  Being an asshole is a bitch like that.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Okay, heads up, this week’s kind of sucks. That’s all I’m going to say. I have no excuses or reasons – it just does. Seriously.

1. Apparently some scientists have never seen a dog screw someone’s leg. Nor have they heard of the interweb where this kind of awesome shit can be found in spades. Maybe Miss South Caroline was right. At any rate, I fail to see what makes it so “rare”. Funny yeah, but rare?

2. Woody Allen is apparently making the best movie ever. Okay, it might actually suck, but I’m sure there’s at two minutes that’ll be worth a shit.

3. I’m the only one who likes The Final Countdown. I can take a hint. But, before I let this drop, let it be known that not only have I given the SEO Industry standards, I’ve also given you people a theme song. Hell, I even suggested an official band for the industry! If you all don’t like my standards and my theme song suggestion, come up with your own.

4. You don’t fuck with Loretta Lynn. Yet, she sings these things so sweetly!

5. There’s a reason people want to beat the shit out of English majors.

6. Fuck your flying sharks, flying tanks, flying kittens and flying dogs. Flying Swiss!

7. I think a congratulations is in order for Ms. Mel and for El Tigre! Ms. Mel – I can always fix that link if you like. 😉

Alright, no all you all can get back to the Twitter now that it’s fixed or that drama of the fake news story that got all those links. Honestly, I’d be surprised if anyone even bothered to read this shit today! I mean, c’mon! They got a spot on Fox that’s playing on the YouTube! You know you want to go in there. Besides, it’s Friday. It’s not like you’re going to get any real work done. 😉

Search Industry Productivity Increases 600% In May

For May 14th and 15th, the Twitter has been unavailable. As a result, productivity across the search marketing sector has increased by over 600%.

“It’s astounding,” said Blair Warner of Garrett Search Marketing in Eastland. “For the last two days, not only have we seen an increase in productivity, our clients are seeing incredible returns on their campaigns. May is going to huge for us – and I imagine across the entire search engine marketing industry as a whole!”

Twitter estimates search marketers will be back to wasting time and fucking around researching Twitter’s marketing potential as soon as Thursday afternoon.

On SEO Rockstar-dom

A little bit ago I was looking at something pointed out to me by NJ SEO pal, Streko, when I saw this advertisement via the Google Adwords:

Need an SEO Rockstar?
Hire Certified SEO Gurus $10-50/hr.
Interview SEO Experts for Free Now!
http://www.oDesk.com

Hmmm, I thought. If you’re an SEO Rockstar, do you really need to advertise? Furthermore, if you were a bonafide SEO Rockstar, why in the hell would you work for so fucking cheap? Seriously, $10-50 an hour? That’s nothing! Shit, I’m a fucking hack and I’d charge a helluva’ lot more than that!

Since these folks advertise themselves as SEO Rockstars and certified gurus, I took a peak at their corrall of hot talent. Hell, if they’re Rockstars, surely there’d be a name in there I’d recognize. Were there. Oh hell no. Not a single one. Maybe it’s because I don’t get out much, or maybe they are big in their hometowns. Like that one guy from India? He’s probably big pimpin’. And the Egyptian? I bet he gets a ton of Egyptian SEO Rockstar groupie tail. I’m just saying.

Back to the prices, I’m looking through them and it’s crazy. There’s an SEO/copywriter selling her services for $14 and hour with a two hour minimum. You could have a piece of SEO’d copy for 28 bucks! And she’s not the cheapest one on the page! There’s only one professional on there that values herself at a decent rate -$110/hour for some SEO-friendly dev. I have to tell you, out of all the people on there, I’d hire her because at least she’s taking her shit seriously. Though I still question whether or not she’s an SEO Rockstar.

So, I guess here’s what I’m getting at. If you’re looking to hire an SEO Rockstar, or SEO guru or whatever, they don’t work for friggin’ $10 an hour. They cost a whole helluva’ lot more than that. And for those of you looking to hire some sort of SEO expert, remember this – you get what you pay for. For those who claim they’re some sort of SEO Rockstar – if you have to tell me you’re one, and if you have to advertise the fact, more than likely you ain’t one. And at very least make sure you have some fucking name recognition.

I’ve Been Scraped!

Yeah, it’s true. Some motherfucker has scraped my content and is displaying it as their own. Dumb ass.

While it is a compliment to see that my stuff has some value to someone, the thing that pisses me off more than the fact he doesn’t give me a shout out is the motherfucking, Bangkok-living-in, chicken molester is that he hasn’t even got any sort of authority to share back with me! The duck fucker has a friggin’ white Google Toolbar (I know, I know, don’t pay attention to that shit. Whatever.)! I’m not getting jack from the links coming back to my friggin’ den of awesomeness! What the hell!

Hey, douchebag, if you’re gonna’ steal my shit, at least make sure the motherfucking piece of shit scrape blog you’ve set up has some benefit. You’re not even running any fucking Adsense! What’s the point? Just to see if you can build a scraper? And assuming you are with Porray Co., Ltd, in Thailand, you’d think you dumb bastards would have done enough paying attention to make sure you didn’t lose your domain – or at least that when you did lose it you went and changed all the links going back to you in the site you all set up. Hell, even your boy(?) Saravut Srisakate can only add a Google search bar to an otherwise blank page to create a Thai search engine! You people are an embarrassment. I feel embarrassed for you. And I imagine Thailand is embarrassed by you as well. You all are probably lucky they don’t drag your embarrassing asses into the street and cane them. And certainly if I were the Royal Pacific Hotel I’d be embarrassed to be associated with you people and be looking to rid the homepage of that link to Porray.com.

So, Saravut (jansee@jansee.com), assuming you even come over here and read this shit, do me a favor. If you’re gonna’ steal my shit, link back to my original article and give me credit. And if you can’t do that, at least make your piece of shit scraper blog worthwhile enough to give the links I have in my posts something! I mean, c’mon! Help a fucker that you’re fuckin’ over, wontcha?

UPDATE – As it turns out, Saravut was wrongly fingered in this incident and was not scraping my content, just hosting the scraped content.  Saravut, I apologize.