7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Holy shit.  My password actually friggin’ worked.  Who knew?  It’s like you know when you’re sitting there on the shitter, reading MAD, doing your thing and all of sudden you remember the fucking quadratic equation that you forgot and because of it flunked your advanced algebra class back in high school?  I imagine it’s something like that.

So, anyways, since the password worked and TV has been boring (yes, even Wife Swap can get old on the fifth go round on the entire fucking series), I thought, hey, I think I’ll start spending more time on teh interwebz.  You can cut my unemployment benefits, but you’ll never be able to cut my thirst for freaky-ass internet porn, Mr. Government Man!  Anyways, as such, I gleaned some shit on my travails.  And as always, if anyone happens to accidentally stumble across this, you’re gonna’ be really fucking irritated at this.  I mean, seriously.  It’s been what, six months?  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

1.  I may not actually be the most annoying fucker in social media.  Who knew, right?  Though, I guess you have to be social to be a part of social media and spending my time watching the ladies of Wife Swap annoy the holy fuck out of the families they try to take over and licking Cheeto dust off my fingers isn’t being social.  But hey, score one for the Hack!

2.  Some families are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fucked up than mine.   Thank god my mom didn’t knit.

3.  Apparently, in some sort of bizarro world, there’s a list of the sexiest minds in new media that magically does not have Comrade Melanie or Ms. Rebecca Kelly on it.  Yeah, I know!

4.  It’s a miracle Australia isn’t going broke.   C’mon, Australia, it’s fucking FROG.

5.  Only the Japanese know how to make a woman’s biological clock sexy.  That, or I have some sort of deep seated fetish I am totally unaware of.

6.  A REAL man (not so chick who became a quasi-dude who then became a part chick) gave birth! Yes, follow that link and you’re going to be as totally fucking underwhelmed as I was.  Damn you, FOX news!

7.  Criss Angel is not only a total fucking douchebag, he’s also a total fucking asshole. Give the guy his fucking cat back.

That wasn’t so bad.

I’ve Seen The Enemy – He’s A Jackass

So, I think I’m done being mopey and shit for a while, which means I’m pissed. Not pissed in the British sense, but in the American sense where I’ll get pissed in the British sense and then go on a alcohol and gasoline fueled rampage because I’m pissed in the American sense. Mmmm, nothing like the taste of gin on the tongue and the smell of 82 octane on the nose. But anyways, yeah, I actually got on the interweb and read and junk (turns out panhandling at Starbucks is GREAT. The people have more money than they do at the library and you can get wi-fi. Who the hell panhandles at the library? Dumb people, that’s who.  Poor people go to the library. Rich people buy books, poor people borrow them. Though at the library you can look at as much totally fucked up porn and they won’t toss you out. Try that in front of the Starbucks, they aren’t so cool with it. BUT, you will get called “Sir”).

What was it I read? You might be thinking it’s something about Dougie Heil and everyone all happy and shit that he went SES or that he’s calling black hats white hats or whatever. Surprisingly, that only annoyed me. I mean, c’mon people. Who gives a fuck what Doug Heil thinks?!??! Motherfucker sold out and spoke on a panel he’s at a conference he’s always dogged. I’m sure he spun it somehow to make it look like a victory for him, but he’s not as big a punk as the people that embraced him and are looking to him for validation. You want my opinion – more people should have taken the Rae Hoffman approach to that shit. But anyways, that isn’t what really pissed me off.

What really pissed me off was a Vannessa Fox article about some punk ass ragging on the industry (yes, I realize I’m way fucking behind if I just read this). Sure, we all know who the number one hater is and honestly, it seems like she’s just trying to get back at some guy for a failed romance. And we’re all aware of the pluses and minuses of this shit and we all wring our little hands about it and shit. Whatever. But what pissed me off was his response to Vanessa’s thoughtful and well-written post (yes, I remember throwing my fanboydom to Rebecca Kelley, but I just can’t quit her! Besides, this guy comes off as a bully and a dick).

Okay, first off, dude, if she gave your show a plug, the worst thing to do is to throw it back in her face. She said she had fun on that shit. I was thinking of trying to get the rabbit ears to tune that shit in until I read your fucking comment and remembered reading it was your fucking show she was going on.

Next, making it so a friggin’ search engine can comprehend what your shit-ass site about is evil? Who the hell is this guy pissed at – SEO or Google? From what I understand, Google is trying to make SEO unnecessary. SEOs on the other hand are trying to make Google work in their favor. And this makes them in cahoots or whatever the hell it is this guy is going on and on about? Umm, if this guy is some sort of cranky tech journalist, motherfucker needs to learn to research or something. And maybe it’s more obvious what he’s all worked up about in his articles, but frankly, I didn’t read them (I’m lazy and that’s when the Starbucks assholes got the police involved in the whole panhandling/looking at porn thing).

Third – he’s pissed about Google’s “non-repeatable searches” and then pissed that their shit is getting gamed? For reals? To me, that’d say they’re working at getting the most relevant searches for a query at a given time and working against it getting gamed. I mean, shit, I don’t want to see the same fucking results for a search I did six years ago. And if the results were shitty, I sure as hell don’t want to see them an hour later. And from what I understand, this guy thinks their results are shitty anyways because they chock full of parked pages or something (which, doesn’t that mean they’re not changing if you keep seeing these pages?).

Fourth – was it really necessary to be a dick to Ms. Fox? Yeah, I’m hung up on that. She gives a nice, measured response to his criticisms and he’s a dick to her. Fuck that. Don’t get pissed at her because Google is shitty.

Fifth – using Bush one-liners from Katrina is sooooo 2007. C’mon, Dvorak, you’re smarter than that.

Sixth – well, there isn’t a sixth. I mean, sure, he apparently bags on the industry, but like I said, that shit ain’t new. And even some of the shit he hates is old news. YAWN.

So anyways, I have a new addition to the enemies list. John Dvorak, you’re dead to me. Though, to be honest, until I read Vanessa’s post, I didn’t even know you existed, and it looks like we might have some common ground, and I’ll probably pawn the company machine in a week or two and not even be on the interweb, so it’s not it’s a major loss. Besides, you could probably give two shits about this hell hole awesome blog anyways.

Anyways, so yeah.  I’m not a big fan of this guy right now.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Damn, am I glad this week is over.  I’m still friggin’ hungover from Rebecca Kelley Day and my guts feel like a cement mixer.  Ugh, cement mixer.  Why the hell did I think those were a good idea?  It’s bad enough that shit chunks up in your mouth, but then, when you’ve been eating bleu cheese and kosher dills all day, oh fuck, that’s something you don’t want to have to clean up yourself.

Needless to say, between being drunk, hungover, drunk, really hungover and then just hungover, I didn’t learn a damn thing this week.  Well, not as much as usual.  But here is what I did learn on the interweb.

1. Cops found marijuana on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus. In other obvious news, the sky is blue, grass is green and water is wet.

2. I need to learn Dutch. And yes, that means the Hack is international, bitches!  I’m big in Japan, too.

3.  You need to watch where you sit in Hong Kong.

4.  A story about a woman getting a dog cloned and perhaps having kidnapped and sexually assaulted (I think the word is “raped”, but MSNBC won’t use it) some Mormon guy in the 70’s needs the phrase “doggy style” worked into it.  I mean, c’mon!  It practically writes itself!  You people managed to work “missionary position” (heheheheh) into it.  I’m just sayin’ . . . .

5.  I’m already sick of the Olympics.  And pretty much anything on the TV that has to do with China.  I guess I didn’t need the interweb to tell me that, but it reminded me how sick I am of it.  C’mon September.

6.  Clay Aiken has the potential to grow facial hair.  I know, I know, everyone is talking about him having a baby, er, rather, giving some lady he knows some seed to grow a kid or something and that gal having a baby.  But it never occured to me that perhaps he might just have enough testosterone to grow facial hair.  I mean, sure, he can make baby goo.  Does that necessarily mean he can grow an awesome fu-manchu?  Futhermore, how weirdo would he look with a beard or a mustache or a goatee or something?

7.  Nothing sez, “I’m not pissing in the handle of my golf club, honest!” like putting a towel around your waste while you piss in the handle of your golf club.

Alright, I suppose it’s time to do something that actually makes the Man some money.  All you all have a good weekend and shit.  You know where to find me.

Happy Birthday, Rebecca Kelley!

As you all know, today is a day like no other in Rebecca Kelley Fanboydom. That’s right – today is the anniversary of when Ms. Kelley’s mother paid the price for getting too drunk nine months and twenty five years ago and brought forth to this Kingdom our matron idol – Rebecca “Don’t Call Me Mamacita” Kelley.

Believe it or not, there is right and wrong way to celebrate this most holy of high holy holidays of RBFB-dom. And knowing that there is probably a legion of millions out there sacrificing goats on the altar to her, I think it’s time to lay a few ground rules on proper celebration.

DO: Get drunk and pick a fight with homeless people.

DON’T: Get drunk and make out with homeless people. You know where those people get their dinner from? Exactly.

DO: Get drunk and light a dumpster on fire.

DON’T: Get drunk and light your boss’ car on fire. You still have to work for a living and make money to put in the plate for the giant, golden statue we’re having built in Her honor.

DO: Get drunk and blast Kid Rock, ICP and Eminem as loudly as possible to tell the neighbors of this joyus day.

DON’T: Get drunk and blast John Tesh. Don’t even do this sober. Actually, just don’t. And if you happen to have a John Tesh album, it is your civic duty to break that CD into shards and gouge out your ear drums.

DO: Get drunk and laugh at children when they fall down.

DON’T: Get drunk and laugh at people who are bigger than you when they fall down.  That’s just stupid.  Unless you can out run them.

DO: Get drunk and send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.

DON’T: Get drunk and not send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.

DO: Get drunk and “thumb up” all Ms. Kelley’s posts on YouMoz and the SEOmoz blog.

DON’T: Get drunk and submit a post to YouMoz where you call half the industry names and things that’d hurt their little feelings.  Some people get really pissed about that kind of stuff.

DO: Get drunk and send Rebecca bottles of the finest vodka you can find.

DON’T: Get drunk and send Rebecca Zima.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  This ain’t 1993, asshole.

So, that’s all we have for now.  I realize it ain’t much, but you ever try putting shit together when you’re drunk?  What the hell you looking at?  You want some of this, turkey?  That’s what I thought.  And maybe next year we’ll lay out the protocols for a proper Rebecca Kelley Day celebration.

Anyways, Happy Birthday, Rebecca, and may all your champagne wishes and caviar dreams come true.  At least the very least I hope your Champagne of Beer wishes and Power Bait dreams come true.  Oh hell, happy birthday.  You know what I mean.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Man, with the lack of posting this week, all you all might think I’m actually Syzlak. Or am I? Anyways, it’s just been a helluva’ week. I mean, there’s that whole work thing where the bossman thinks I need to actually do something to earn my wage, and then all the interweb drama starting with some jackass last Friday and going all the way through to this week, where some “ethical” marketing troll took it upon herself to pick a fight with a comrade of mine among many others.

Speaking of which, there is an art to knowing when to shut the fuck up. I don’t usually try to tell people what to do, well, aside from my SEO Standards, and I realize that the person who should probably be reading this the most will never see it. But for the three or four of you who do, you probably don’t need a lecture from a jackass like me. But whatever. The thing is, this thing called the interweb is wonderful for expressing one’s self, even if that expression is one of dislike and contempt for another. Yes, one should stick up for one’s self and one’s friends. However, when that “expression” turns into a way to alienate someone you care about from their colleagues and making people question associating with that person due to their association with you, you need to step back from the keyboard and monitor and really think long and hard about what you’re doing. At that point, it’s not about “being you” or whatever new-age hippie bullshit you tell yourself. It goes beyond you. It goes to the heart of destroying the reputation of those who you hold dear and associate yourself with. And at that point, that is point at which you need to learn to shut the fuck up. Besides, you’re just gonna’ get hung by your own words.

Oh, and constantly threatening to sue others for doing the same shit you do to others? Just remember who the first victim of the guillotine was. Do unto others as you’d want un done to yourself and all that.

So, with that, on with the Semper Fi edition of 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week!

1. Subway’s new $5 Footlong plus 7″ knife promotion isn’t being received well. I’m guessing Quizzno’s Zesty Meatball and Razor Blade sub wont’ be successful either.

2. Rebecca Kelley has very nice teeth. 4 out 5 RKFB’s agree! Yet another reason for my fanboy allegiance and loyalty. And yes, I recognize how fucking creepy this is.

3. Being Andy Dick sucks. And not just because that means you’re a drug-addled asshole and groper of teenage girls. No. It sucks because no matter what happens, when you wake up you’re still Andy Dick and you peaked by standing on the shoulders of others. That’s the best Andy Dick story I read since Lovitz put the beat down on Dick’s sorry ass.

4. Don’t fuck with Streko’s friends.

5. Comedy is hard to write, and nearly impossible for some. This isn’t a dig just ‘cuz someone was too much of a chicken shit to publish my comments or decided to be a dick to Ms. Rebecca Kelley. Okay, maybe it is. I mean, he goes after her with some cheap, throw-away comment that’s not even fucking original? WTF? But still. If this is an example of a comedy blog, then Dane Cook is the funniest motherfucker alive. Seriously. I’m pretty sure there’s another reason I’m feeling a little woozie – and it ain’t because of Badoozie. Maybe it’s because of the stench of failure or suckassdom? Perhaps too much bullshit? Or the overwhelming feeling of pity that though this guy is trying to pick a fight with the industry, we all realize he has a hard time fighting for air ‘cuz his head is so far up his ass? That’s probably why you’re feeling woozie, jackass. Pull your head out and realize that your mom is just saying those nice things ‘cuz that’s what mothers do. And you really ought to consider having sex with a robot if you get the chance. With PMS jokes and shit as your standard fare, that’s the only way you’re gonna’ get laid.

6. No matter how old I get or what level of success I achieve (or, rather, don’t achieve), poop stories will always crack me up. Thanks, El Tigre.

7. Either white girls can’t dance, or the Icky Shuffle and the Twist are making a comeback.

So, there it is. Have a good weekend and junk.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Okay, first a warning.  This week’s 7 really, really sucks.  That whole job thing got in the way of me learning anything, and when  you read them, not only are going to realize how horrible they are, you’re going to think, “That SEO Hack really is a lazy fuck!  I should kick the shit out of him! I want my five minutes back, you prick!”

Another thing, what is up with all you people and the”poop porn”?  I’m number two right now (heheheh, that joke never gets old!  Oh wait, it just did), and man, I don’t know if it’s the sunshine or what but I’m getting hit with a lot of traffic for it from some sickos!  Or it could be one pervo that keeps getting fooled.  At any rate, it’s crazy and distracting.  Here I’m trying to be all legit and shit and I get most my traffic from some really disappointed fucker who can’t read looking to travel the ol’ Hershey highway.  Oh well, I guess bad traffic is better than no traffic at all, eh?

1. The government is distracting us from the real threat with all this illegal alien stuff. To arms, people!

2. Not only is Syzlak better than me, I’m him! Numbers don’t lie, folks. And I’m guessing he’s still petting his Agent Scully doll too. Seriously though, could you blame him?

3. Vern Troyer has a sex tape. Insert your own “Mini-Me” penis related joke here.

4. I’m even more legit than I was last week! That’s right, punks!!! Syzlak and I got top billing in a post by Ms. Kelley. Not only do we look like real for real SEOs, we kinda’ come off looking smart! Or at least Syzlak does.

5. Apparently, American Indians (feathers, not spots) don’t live in teepees anymore. Wow. And from what I understand, both American Indians and Indian Americans hate when people differentiate between them with the feather – spot thing. But that doesn’t tell which bathrooms she-males go potty in, nor why white people smell like wet dogs when it rains. At any rate, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell ‘cuz I find this site friggin’ hilarious!

6.  Some enterprising Floridians found a way to pay for transportation in these times of increasing fuel prices.

7.  Never bring a banana to a knife fight.  Okay, that one was a total cop-out.  I admit it.  But if you read the article, they have an even worse “banana split” pun.  As such, I feel entitled to churn out my own crappy play on words.  C’mon – it was that bad, was it?  Besides, that is actually solid advice.  You know, ‘cuz a banana won’t cut a punk.  And if you’ve ever tried to fight someone with a knife with a banana . . . alright, I give up.

Have a good weekend.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Alright, it’s been crazy for the last couple of weeks and because of that craziness, I didn’t learn a damn thing until this week. And what an educational week it was! Hell, I’m still learning shit from the interweb as we speak.

However, if you’re one of the three or four people who’ve been returning to see what awesomeness I learned from the interweb, you’re gonna’ be disappointed. I mean, I think it’s pretty good, but when I showed it to the dog the fucker bit me (maybe I should take Bill D up on his offer). That could be taken as a sign of things to come. At any rate, as I said, I think it’s pretty good but be prepared to be disappointed.

1. I think Bagel said it best: Drugs are awesome! I think that pretty much sums it up. I got nothing.

2. Louisianna has finally found a way to make all their lazy wildlife earn their keep.

3. Some people don’t understand antique canine cinema. After seeing this excellent dog film on Best Week Ever, it made me realize people today don’t understand the “innocent” nature and low brow nature of early talky watchers. In the Best Week Ever write-up, the author was clearly concerned with Queenie having been raped. In early cinema, the woman’s, er in this case bitch’s, virtue was never compromised unless it was a vehicle to explain why she was now a prostitute. This is actually a very common theme in early canine cinema. Now, some people are upset at the fact a black dog was attempting to have his way with Queenie and she was saved by a mutt, white dog and that it somehow speaks to the racist nature of early dog film. Actually, this has nothing to do with race and more to do with the “good guys wear white, bad guys wear black dichotomy” we see prevalent in Westerns and in the search industry. Something else people think is that this film is a social commentary on the state of American living and the need for prohibition. Again, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is people love to watch dogs doing crazy shit, like drinking liquor and fist fighting. This is the reason “Dogs Playing Poker” is the most recognized piece of art after the Mona Lisa.

4. Looking for some 12-year-old tail? Head to Mexico! I love how they have the lowest age of consent in not only the Americas, but it looks like it’s the lowest age in the Northern hemisphere. And I didn’t ask Syzlak how he found this.

5. People are assholes. And some people are horrible with anaologies. Seriously – this is like teenagers throwing a cat in a bag and throwing it over a clothesline? First of all, that’s a lame prank. Second, is the talking about hanging the bag from a clothesline? ‘Cuz if so, if it was a sunny day, a cat might think that was a helluva’ nice thing (remember, cats, like me, are lazy). I fail to see why that’s cruel. Now if they’re throwing the bag over a clothesline and letting hit the ground, what kind of fucked up game is that? Volleyball with a cat in a bag? Now that’s mean, but I fail to see why that would even be considered a prank or a game. Again, worst analogy ever.

6. I have a hard time deciding which is creepier – babies’ heads enlarged and attached to adult bodies or mens’ heads shrunk down and attached to baby bodies? Either way, I have Rebecca to thank for this conundrum.

7. Shoemoney and Calacanass will always be able to rile up the industry. And predictably, the industry will respond with links and rants. Me, on the other hand, will only be able to rile up one crazy person on the Sphinn. And I needed help to do that. And it only inspired one crazy rant.

So there you have it. I really hope you didn’t think since I skipped the last two weeks I was gonna’ give you 21 Things I Learned On The Interweb in the Last Three Weeks. Seriously, that was probably punishment enough for you, wasn’t it?

Jason Gambert – Consider Registering Jackass

On the SEOmoz I was surprised to see some doofus (there are worse names for these kinds of clowns, but seemingly clueless that I like to think of him as being more like Moose out of those old Archie comics) was registering SEO as his trademark. Like he’d get to own the letters or something.

I guess what is even more shocking is the fact he’s gotten so damn far! I mean, seriously, guy, you and your lawyer need to get a clue. As that lawyer who works with Rebecca points out, there’s no way in hell that any judge would reasonably honor that crap even if you did win!

Furthermore, your application says you’ve been using that term since 2007. Two thousand fucking seven?!?!?!? Seriously? Either you really have no clue, are a horrible liar or suffer from honest attorney syndrome. And if it’s honest attorney syndrome, you’re screwed. However, it appears to me he thinks you’re a total tool and is more than happy to dry up your hard earned dough! I don’t know how a contingency contract would work on that, but I pray for your sake that’s how the deal was set up. And if you’re not working with an attorney and got one of those generic trademark registration forms you heard about during the commercial break to Coast to Coast AM, this is exactly why you need to actually hire a friggin’ lawyer!

Lookit, Jason (can I call you Jason?), I enjoy jacking with people as much as the next guy or gal. But this, you’re just looking silly, angry, confused and jackass-ish. I think you ought to just let a sleeping dog lie. I mean, you’re trying to be an SEO for a living, right? All this is doing is making it so if a potential client searches for you to see if you’re legit or not, you’re gonna’ come off as some sort of crazy-ass kook. Cut your losses and comeback to Normal Land before it’s too late. Trust me, it’s a long walk to Normal Land from Kookville.

At any rate, good luck with the trademark thingy and then all the cease and desist letters you’ll be sending out if by some miracle Hell actually does freeze over. I’m sure this won’t be the last we hear from you!

The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Hits 10,000!

Wow, I wasn’t sure if this POS would ever get this far, but it finally did. And yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are. After a brief stint of optimism and, well, cockiness (hell, I was nominated for a couple of awards – can you blame an asshole?), I came back down to earth to realize this is what it is. And what this is is a huge clusterfuck of epic proportions. But it’s my clusterfuck.

Now, do realize that those 10,000 visits are probably from the same four or five people clicking back on a daily basis to see whether or not I’ve been arrested, shit-canned or have given up the ghost. But to those people who keep checking back on a daily basis, thank you.

Speaking of thank you’s, this nightmare would not have gotten as far as it has without the loyalty of my comrades. To these people, who have linked, commented and otherwise given me the reason to dare to dream these big dreams of mediocrity I owe my heartfelt thanks and gratitude. Without them, I would have given this up a while ago.

Comrades and Loyalists
First up is Comrade Syzlak and his search marketing blog, Syzlak SEM. Syzlak has been one of my fiercest critics as one of my fiercest loyalists. When a glitch with WordPress led me to believe I this den of awesomeness had been banned and disabled, Syzlak sprang to action. Comrade Syzlak mounted an underground movement to get the Worst SEO Blog Ever! re-instated. However, as quickly as the rebellion had risen, it died. WordPress sent me an “oopsie” letter and things were quickly brought back to normal.

Also fiercely loyal is Bagel of the humor blog Ration Reality. Unlike Syzlak, she is one of my largest cheerleaders and when it looks like it’s time to put some plywood on the windows, she’s encouraged me to keep churning this crap out. Perhaps it’s because she like the copious amount of linkage, but I never question why. During the revolution that wasn’t a revolution, she also sprang into action and offered her help.

This thank you would suck without including El Tigre. This cat takes a lot of abuse for his love of Tumblr (please come to the light!), but he’s never backed down nor apologized for it. Plus, he’s given me plenty of fodder for the weekly 7. Thanks, El Tigre.

Another loyalist I cannot neglect to thank is JDog. The JDog came out of nowhere and stoked the fire that kept this tire fire burning and stinking up the interweb. Check out his awesome SEM blog and learn some junk.

And then there is Streko, who we give plenty of shit to for never updating his search marketing blog but he always has the time to stop in here and waste some of his precious time. Thanks!

I’d also be remiss for not thanking Miss Melanie for stopping in as much as she does. Another smart person who wades in this gutter on a regular basis, she’s pretty good at flicking me shit here and on the Sphinn. Check out what she has to say at All About Content.

From the Depths of Fanboydom
I also have to thank the folks who’ve put up with my fanboydom. Without these three ladies, I wouldn’t have much to write about. Though I have sullied their good names with my adoration, they haven’t turned me into the local authorities.

Let it be known, I am a Rebecca Kelley Fanboy. Not only does she tolerate my loyalty and requests of hair for a pillow, she’s been known to grace this hellhole with comments and links from SEOmoz (shhhh! Don’t tell the bossman!). Not only have these boosted my spirits, they sent a whole helluva’ lot of traffic this way (well, a lot for me).

I have to also thank Vanessa Fox. The original target of my fanboydom, she took my articles in good humor and didn’t call me an asshole for shifting my loyalty to Rebecca. Plus, she’s even sent a few links my way! Thanks, Vanessa.

Though my official fanboy status goes to Rebecca, I have to give a thank you to Jill Whalen. Good humored and willing to highlight one of my articles on the Sphinn perhaps to the detriment of her professional identity, thank you for the good SEO advice throughout the years.

And To My Readers
I don’t know how you all found this place, but you did, and I appreciate you all coming back time after time. Without you folks, there’s no way in hell I would have gone this far with this thing. I’m not intending to ignore anyone, but a few readers stand out in my mind.

One of which is Matt Davies, who writes seoTunes. I can almost count on seeing his face in my MyBlogLog roll. Thanks for the support and the link!

Also there is Kent Schnepp, who I seem to see less and less of these days but still appreciate his support. Don’t be afraid to waste your time here, Kent! Your clients will never know. 😉

I also can’t forget that guy who works with Rebecca, who stops in on occasion and has promised to do so more often. I’m sure he’ll see this post. And perhaps someday I’ll make an effort to actually learn his name.

And if I’m thanking that guy who works with Rebecca, I better thank that gal who works with Rebecca, Jane Copland. She’s been seen slumming around here on occasion as well.

And finally, last but not least of my loyal readers, there’s the Batwoman, who rarely comments but who’s presence is felt. Thank you.

So, I’m guessing there’s a lot of other people I have to thank, like those at the Rubber Chicken Awards and the Semmy’s. Yeah, you all didn’t think this thing was worth a crap, and you’re probably right. But thank you for the attention and your consideration. It’s made this even more rewarding.

Well, I know I’ve forgotten some folks, but hey, when you’re working on your seventh g-n-t at 6:30 in the evening, you can’t be expected to remember every damn thing. But I want to thank everyone who has stopped in. I know it’s pretty fucking cornball, but I’m drunk and sentimental. But thank you. Thank you all.

Good News from Syzlak!!!

So, Comrade Syzlak is lucky enough to live in Portland, where there was some sort of SEM/SEO conference going on, which he attended and got to rub elbows with all sorts of fancy people. Lucky bastard. Oh well. It’s just as well. It’s not like I had a clean shirt or anything.

Anyways, he told me he got to meet no other than Rebecca Kelley. Rebecca fucking Kelley!!! And he said that she really does read this thing!!! Even if he lying just to keep me from throwing myself in front of a train, still!!! He got to talk to her!!!!!

I think the only thing that could have made hearing that better is to then hear that Vanessa Fox was there and that she heard Syz and Miss Rebecca Kelley talking about this hell hole and then getting into a fight over my fanboydom. That would have been awesome. Super awesome. And then to have Todd Friesen and Greg Boser also show up and try to break up that fight and then say they read this bullshit too. And then they get in a fight. Then that fight gets so bad that there’s people being thrown through the window and shit getting broken. And then right before it gets out of hand, Syzlak steps in and asks them “WWSEOHD?”, to which they’d say, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And then Syzlak, would have to show them his rubber bracelet and say, “The SEO Hack would say instead of fighting amongst ourselves over his awesomeness, we should unite to light a dumpster on fire and partake in the drinking of the gin.” And then they’d all go out, light a dumpster on fire, get drunk and then light some more shit in Portland on fire.

And in my opinion, there’s no bigger compliment than having a town drunkenly burnt to the ground in your honor. Yes, a boy can dream. A boy can dream.

Rebecca Kelley!!!!!