Archive for June, 2007

I May Be an Asshole . . . And a Vanessa Fox FanBoy

June 25, 2007

Okay, so Ms. Fox calls it quits at Google, and some people freak out, and some people, like me yawn. So I put together a post about her quitting, make fun of some people and generally show my ass.

Then she comments on my blog. And says she like the Princess Bride. And I realize I didn’t wish her luck. So, I’m an asshole. But nonetheless, this asshole wishes you luck at Zillow, Vanessa. By the looks of your fan base, it was a wise marketing decision as well as personnel decision. They’re lucky. My company is stuck with me.

Okay, so now that I’ve tried to show that I’m less of an asshole, here comes the scary part. I may be a Vanessa Fox fan boy. You could consider me a part of the paunch-bellied contingent.

After I went back and read her blog, which I always liked because it actually had real life information you could use, I realized I might be a fan boy. Well, maybe fan boy is too strong of a word. Because for everything I thought was cool, there was something I didn’t think was as cool.

This might turn me into a fan boy: the Princess Bride
Perhaps not: Not as much content about the Princess Bride as there is with Buffy

This might turn me into a fan boy: Stealing someone’s pickup to haul boxes
Perhaps not: Not just starting one huge-ass fire with said boxes

This might turn me into a fan boy: This post
Perhaps not: This post

This might turn me into a fan boy: Pictures of Alison Hannigan
Perhaps not: They’re in relation to Buffy (it isn’t that I have anything against Buffy, I just never got into it. And I got tired of hearing about it all the time. Kind of like Pink Floyd and living in the dorms – there’s some shit you just get your fill of.)

This might turn me into a fan boy: The ability to admit there’s questionable music on her iPod
Perhaps not: Instead of it being butt-rock it’s Britney Spears, NSync and Nick Carter (though to her credit, her reasoning as to why is pretty good.)

This might turn me into a fan boy: A very good post about questioning her existence
Perhaps not:TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as you can see, while it’s obvious I’m an asshole, whether or not I’m a Vanessa Fox fan boy is still debatable. Would it be so bad to be one? No, not really. But if I found out she liked shooting road signs and drinking cheap beer (which, incidentally, go together quite well), I’d probably be one. A HUUUUGE one.

iPhone? iCouldGiveAShit.

June 25, 2007

It’s Monday and all the Apple fan boys and girls are wetting themselves in anticipation of the iPhone.  Whooptie-fucking-do.

All I know is that this damn thing only has five hours of battery life (continuous use), you can only use it on AT&T network (and not even their best network!) and every friggin’ hipster with mommy or daddy’s credit card is gonna’ have one.  Guess what?  You can’t even download music on the fly with the damn thing!

The counter arguments are that all of those types of devices have shitty battery life and that the AT&T network it’s using is pretty good and blah blah blah.  But can you imagine trying to type on the keypad (which is done through the touch screen) after rubbing your greasy face against it all day?  Hell no!  Put a keyboard on the damn thing!  And while you’re at, give it more memory or drop the friggin’ price!

I’m not the best person to talk about the pros and cons of this damn iPhone thing.  All I know is I was tired of hearing about it before it came out, and it’s going to be a long friggin’ week.  I think I’m going to avoid Digg for the weak lest I poke my eyes out after reading article after blog post after comment from Applets loving on this damn thing that none of them have even got to hold yet.  If you want a better analysis of the problems, read an article about the cons of the iPhone.

Vanessa Fox Leaves Google. I Eat a Burrito. Life Goes On.

June 18, 2007

As mentioned in my post about SMX Seattle, I noticed there was all sorts of male attention being paid to the Vanessa Fox person from Google by what appeared to be a motley crew of the balding, the lonely and the paunch bellied after she spoke in one of the session. It was like she was the Jenna Jameson of search or something. Or maybe the Mae West.

So, last week while my computer was taking the big shit, apparently she went and declared her leaving Google. I didn’t know jack about it until my buddy, Syzlack, gave me the news. See, believe it or not, this industry doesn’t get reported on the news. Amazing, huh? I was totally unaware until I get this IM basically saying, “Hey Dumbass! Where you been? You hear about Vanessa?”

My first reaction, was, “Wow! She left powerful overlords who see and know all the good folks at Google! Good on her! Way to stick it the Man! She must’ve found a wonderful opportunity. ” My second reaction was, “Hmmm.” My third reaction was, “Maybe today I shall work in the nude.” My fourth reaction was, “Nah, I hate it when my ass gets stuck to the leather on my chair. And I feel self-conscious.”

Anyways, after a while, I finally went and read her post. Then I got to thinking about what this might mean for the search industry. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Vanessa will finally be able to go to a frickin’ conference and eat her lunch.

2. Since she’s moving on to Zillow, there will be a sudden shift of interest to the real estate industry by the BLPB crew.

3. NO MORE LISTENING TO HER GO ON AND ON ABOUT BUFFY the fucking VAMPIRE SLAYER AT SEO CONFERENCES!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, c’mon! There were way better shows out there! Discuss how getting banned is like FLCL or something! Or how it’s like maggots pouring out of the belly of a carcass. Or how it’s like waking up in a crappy hotel somewhere after a night of drinking cheap liquor and finding you bedded a homeless person. Just something more relevant to us!

4. The lack of Google attire on her back makes more sense.

5. Search boy geekdom will have to find a new girl to worship. I recommend this fine lady. Though I don’t know if there are any pics to back up her good-lookingness.

6. Unless Google finds another attractive spokeswoman, Yahoo! will suddenly become more relevant.

7. The rest of us will continue to not give a shit.

Don’t Piss Off Hipsters

June 12, 2007

In my last post, I was wondering about the relevance of Twitter and discussed its coming out party of sorts at the prominent South by Southwest Media Conference. Out of nowhere, from my good SEM friend, Syzlack, I get an instant message. Here’ s how it unfolds:

[09:23] Syzlack: you’re a fool. sxsw <– you didn’t know what this is?

[09:23] SEO Hack: I knew a little bit

[09:24] Syzlack: it’s not just hipster dufuses with bands that start with “the”

[09:24] SEO Hack: I believe it’s doofus

[09:24] Syzlack: it’s the entire music community as well as advertising, etc. in fact, i think we were thinking about sending people down there as well

[09:25] SEO Hack: you better comment and set me straight!

[09:25] Syzlack: film

[09:25] Syzlack: interactive

[09:25] SEO Hack: LOL

[09:25] Syzlack: trade show

[09:25] Syzlack: etc.

[09:25] Syzlack: pete townshend was the keynote

[09:25] SEO Hack: goddamm I think you’re fired up!

[09:25] SEO Hack: who?

[09:26] Syzlack: yes

[09:26] Syzlack: i’m not playing that game

As you can see, Syzlack is pretty ticked off. I don’t know if it’s because I called everyone associated with SxSW a hipster or if it’s because I was just flat out wrong. And I was wrong. With bands like Polyphonic Spree playing, you know there’s a dirty hippie element along with it.

But, my question remains unsolved: Why should I give a shit about Twitter (even if they’re not associated with hipsters)?

What the Hell is Twitter and Why Should I Give a Shit?

June 11, 2007

A while ago in Newsweek I saw some mention of Twitter in their article about that South by Southwest thingy somewhere in the Southern tier of this country. I could look it up, but to be honest I’m too lazy to be bothered.

Anyways, South by Southwest is some sort of hipster convention where a bunch of spoiled-ass college kids get together, make up band names and try to impress each other. Or I assume they make up these names. Again, I’m too lazy to do the research.

In the article is a mention of Twitter and the author went on and on about Twitter and how Twitter set up some sort of huge screen showing the messages people were sending over Twitter. Of course it’s going to be big at some sort of hipster convention. No one ever heard of this shit.

Then at SMX, someone started talking about Twitter. That’s when I thought maybe I’m missing out on something. Then I realized I’m a late adopter of technology and could really give a shit.

SMX Advanced 2007 – Seattle

June 7, 2007

What better way to kick off a brand new blog than with a post about a brand new conference? Yes! Exactly! It’s a horrible idea.

Anyways, instead of telling you what the speakers were saying and junk like that (which you could find in a hunnerd other SEO blogs), I’m gonna’ tell you what I learned at SMX Advanced in Seattle.

I learned I really don’t like Seattle. Yeah, in theory it’s an awesome town. But the streets are totally fucked up. What’s to like about a place that smells like friggin’ fish and you can’t drive anywhere between the hours of 6 am to 10 am and from 2 pm to 7 pm?

I learned Matt Cutts hates Wyoming. And says things that may be offensive to indians (feathers, not spots). And he’s not below asking Danny Sullivan to take his pants off.

I learned Michael (spelling?) Martinez looks like one of those three dudes from the X-Files that were always investigating stuff. Come to think of it, he kind acted like that one dude too.

I learned MSN really had no idea what this conference was about or else they might have touted their search product (which still sucks, but made Google and Yahoo! look dumb once) instead of the Xbox. Or maybe they know their search product pretty well and figured it was better to play up the Xbox.

I learned the search engines want you to stay incredibly drunk. And they don’t feed you, unless you count weirdo-foofoo hors-devours as food. Anyway, make sure you eat something before you go to one of these things because there ain’t jack open afterwards when you’re drunk and hungry.

I learned all four search engines think duplicate content is bad (no shit!).

I thought I heard the Danny say ” . . . 19 year olds on dick . . . .” Turns out he actually said Digg instead of “dick”. But for the rest of the conference I giggled anytime anyone said Digg because it totally sounds like “dick”. Imagine all the people saying the loved Digg! It’s hilarious!

Though at their booth Google didn’t give jack away, they threw a pretty good party. And you can’t be too pissed about t-shirts, pens and glow-in-the-dark cups that the bartender was more than happy to fill to the top with gin.

I learned the guys from the auto research website really hate Wikipedia. Trust me. You do not want to ever get caught defending the Wikipedia in front of these guys.

I learned that though he hates Wyoming (and implied other “less important” states), Cutts is able to handle a bunch of shit being flung at him.

I also learned it is impossible to hate Rand Fishkin. Try it. You’ll just want to give him a hug in the end. (If for some reason you come across this, Mr. Fishkin, please don’t infer that I ever hated you. You just seem damn good at being a damn nice guy.)

I learned Todd Mailicott likes to fish. I inferred he likes to drink beer.

I learned at last call you can get more than one drink. So, if you get someone to watch your drink, you can have three at one time. Or, if you play all the bars, you can have many, many more.

I learned meme is pronounced meeeeeme, not mehmeh like I thought (thanks Neil Patel.)

I learned Shari Thurow likes to rub it in that she’s so much smarter than the rest of us. She still writes some pretty good articles though.

I learned Greg Boser and Todd Friesen kick ass. I wish I were as cool as them. Really. Seriously.

I learned that though there was a fairly strong representation of women at the conference, there is still always going to be some dirtbag wearing a classy t-shirt like “I support single moms” that shows some gal on a stripper pole at these things.

I learned that Vanessa Fox has a strong contingent of lonely, lonely men who are willing to mill around for hours and keep her from her lunch just to say hello.

I learned that it’s damn near impossible to get good schwag without having to talk to someone. And that sucks. All I wanted was a damn bouncy ball that lit up when it bounced! That’s all! And you assholes who didn’t even have booths but are emailing me still, knock it the hell off!!! At least the guy who had the bouncy balls had a friggin’ booth! Show some class, Robbie Payne from 7search! Or send me a friggin’ water bottle or t-shirt or light-up pen or something!

With all of that said, here are some other tidbits you might be interested in.

The Food: Not bad. It was a hot meal and appetizing, unlike the shitty box lunches I heard they serve at SES. C’mon SES, the Danny is making you look stupid with the simple addition of a buffet!

Location: Yeah, I hate Seattle. But I hate many other cities much, much more. It was nice to have an event of this magnitude in the Northwest so lazy assholes like me didn’t have to put too much effort into traveling. And if you’ve never been stranded on the 405 or I5 for hours at a time, you might actually find this place charming.

Alcohol: There was beer being served, but nothing too dark, at any of the events. So unless you absolutely adore Pyramid Hefeweizen (which is pretty damn good!) or like to look like a yuppie douchebag guzzling Heineken, go for the hard liquor. There wasn’t any top shelf stuff (only Google served up Tanqueray; MSN and Yahoo! had Beefeaters), but it wasn’t bad. You could get Jack Daniels and Jim Beam and probably decent vodka if you were so inclined.

The Parties: It’s pretty hard to beat Google dance, especially when they’re giving out candy and cookies and alcohol and and glow-in-the-dark cups and t-shirts and all kinds of little goodies. What was interesting was they gave out two drink tickets. Why interesting? Because it was an open bar until 10:30 pm and then after that you had to use your drink tickets. Shows a little responsibility for the crowd, but it was still easy to get pretty fucked up. Trust me. There were tons of drunken people. Another plus was they hired a really good DJ.

The MSN party is probably second, because it gave people something to do on a Sunday night. Not the best booze, but still good enough to get you loaded. The only changes I would have made were to increase the size of the outdoor area and to get something other than a three-piece crap-jazz trio.

The Yahoo! mixer was okay, but you know, it was mostly just something to do for two hours. Yeah, good drink, and better beer selection than MSN had (read: no Pyramid). But they were only giving out glow in the dark ice cubes. Though, come to think of it, MSN didn’t give us crap . . . . hmmmm . . . . . .

Coolest promotional product: This is a toughie. The light up pens from widemile are pretty cool. And you can’t go wrong with a blinking bouncy ball, as ClickPath knows. And the one strap backpacks with the SMX logo that InfoSpace gave everyone were pretty sweet too. Medio also had these cool tablets with pens. But there was one of these things that I would have a hard time giving away to someone, it would have to be the light up pen. Did I mention it comes with a lifetime guarantee with a refill cartridge? Good stuff.

Most disappointing promotional product: Though the MSN AdCenter water bottle may have gotten this (c’mon, a water bottle! If you’re gonna’ do water bottles, do like Marchex and give away a cool one!), but I’d have to say it was the mp3 player speakers from Double Click. Yeah, I love mine and know that you’re gonna’ have a helluva’ time getting good sound out of something that small. But when I showed and used the little speakers I swiped for a small audience, the people who once were interested in them and wanted to know where I got mine were quickly unimpressed. And the going from being excited to being unimpressed is what makes these little speakers so disappointing. Do note I still like mine regardless of what anyone says.

Lamest promotional product: Hands down, iProspect. Crappy gum in little bags to look like little bags of gold. Really? That’s a good idea? Pens or water bottles might have been better. Seriously. And if you’re thinking about the purpose of a promotional product, those were a waste of money. Assuming the people who grabbed those little bags of gum didn’t give them to their kids or one of the many panhandlers and bums you can see when the sun goes down; once the gum is gone the bag will probably go in the garbage. Just a thought.

Conclusion: All in all, not a bad conference. I think I need to plan on slowing my drinking instead of just cutting it off. Thank God Alaska Airlines serves free beer and wine on their planes.