You Want SEO Standards? Well, Here Ya Go!

On the Sphinn lately there’s been a bunch of stuff going on about whether or not we, the search marketing industry, need standards. Seeing this as an opportunity to usher in a new world order help the SEM community set some reasonable standards, I submit to the search community these SEO Standards.

Mission Statement:

The purpose of the SEO standards set below are severalfold. Firstly, with these standards, the search marketing industry (hereto after referred to as the Industry) feel better about the work they are doing and to feel “professional”. Secondly, these standards give the Industry the right to “bitch slap” those found violating the standards. Thirdly, the standards give the Industry the opportunity to look down their nose at those who do not follow the standards and have been “bitch slapped” (note: this does happen, but now tactics can be looked down upon by the Industry in an “official” manner). Fourthly, the standards set forth the proper ladder of respect to keep the rabble under the Industry’s thumb for better education and understanding of important SEO tactics as well as the delineation of white- and black-hats. Fifthly, the standards set forth are for making a few a whole buttload of moolah!!! for the promotion of the Industry and education of those outside the Industry.

The Standards of SEO:

1. Those who wish to proclaim they are a part of the Industry must adhere to the Standards of SEO.

2. Every two months those who consider themselves a part of the Industry must glom onto the latest SEO tactic or social media innovation and exhaust its potential as well as write no less than thirty (30) posts about said tactic/innovation.

3. On a quarterly basis, the Board of SEO will convene to decide which tactics are acceptable for the Industry and which are not, regardless of what the search engines (hereto after referred to as Them) deem as acceptable or what is effective. Those found using un-acceptable tactics will be forced to invoke the Ghost of SEO by looking into a candle-lit mirror and saying “Bloody Danny” thirteen times. If the Ghost of SEO does not murder the offender, then the offender will pay to the Board of SEO three chests of gold or fifteen virgin daughters.

4.  Any tactic discussed that has not been approved by the Board of SEO will be ridiculed in Sphinn.com and the offender will be hunted down and forced to wear a huge cone on their head imprinted with “Dunce” similar to those found in old episodes of “Our Gang” and cartoons circa 1942.

5.  If a member of the Industry is attacked by a social community, then members of the Industry MUST come to the aid of the attacked member (regardless if said member has spammed and broke the social mores of the community) in the form of blog posts condemning the member of the attacking community as “trolls” and “a-holes”.  Use of the word “asshole” is also acceptable.

6.  On a quarterly basis member of the Industry must wring their hands about the perception of SEO and the Industry.  Eventually the Standards of SEO will render this pointless, but it still must be done.

7.   “Red River Rock” by Johnny and the Hurricanes is to be played at the outset of any rumble against Them.

8.  Before a member of the Industry is to perform services with a client, they must discuss with said client the membership status of said member.  Once said client is made aware that said member is a member of the Industry, then said member must have a conversation about those who perform “SEO” outside of the Industry (it isn’t considered real SEO unless the Industry approves it) as well as educate said client on why those who do not submit to the Standards of SEO or the Industry cannot be trusted and are generally thieves and a-holes who would screw their own grandmother over for a shiny nickel and will not be considered professional or legitimate until they have submitted to the Standards of SEO and paid the back dues as well as current dues requisite for displaying the official logo of the Industry.

9.  Those found practicing SEO without the permission of the Board of SEO and without the official logo or permission of the Industry will be summarily rounded and beaten.  Their clientele will be advised to ignore the advice of the offender (regardless of positive results to their SEM efforts) and given the name of an SEO who features the official logo of the Industry and has paid their dues (monetary, not experience) to the Industry.

10.  Those who wish to be a part of the Industry and gain benefit from the Industry logo can do so only after paying membership dues of the weight of three oxen in silver every fortnight.

11.  Anyone found in violation of the Standards of SEO will be stripped of their logo and forced to bow at the shrine of Doug Heil for forgiveness.

12.  When encountering a member of the Board or what is referred to as an “SEO Rockstar”, all opinions will be deferred to the opinion of the the Board Member or “SEO Rockstar” at hand.

Well, that’s all I have for now and it looks like a very healthy start.  As with all sets of standards and governing bodies, it will surely grow into an outstanding bureaucracy of cumbersome policies and nonsense bent on protecting itself and its power.  But at least now we have a starting place!  As a founding member of the Board, feel free to send me the weight of three oxen in silver and I’ll get the official logo out to you pronto.

44 Responses to “You Want SEO Standards? Well, Here Ya Go!”

  1. JDog Says:

    Lmao… I think this one might top the Jill Whalen post. You’ve outdone yourself this time. Great post!

  2. Michael Streko Says:

    **golf clap**

  3. greatscott! Says:

    Well-played, sir.

  4. Jill Says:

    Nah, doesn’t top the other one, but great nonetheless! :)

  5. Syzlak Says:

    Where do I get my nickel?

  6. Jaan Kanellis Says:

    All sound good to me. When do we start.

  7. spostareduro Says:

    I hate to admit it…this was funny as hell. lol :-)

  8. chris boggs Says:

    Funny I admit, but this is not a funny topic. This is one of the reasons so many C-Levels feel that our industry is still just a bunch of jokesters as opposed to “real marketing professionals.”

  9. seohack Says:

    @ all except for chris boggs – thank you all very much! :D

    @ chris boggs – thanks for stopping by and i apologize for offending your sensitive nature and your need for the jackboot of rules to step on your throat. i’m guessing you also think making fun of drug addicts and the homeless is in poor taste and not very funny either. If you’re looking for a nice, stuffy website without a hint of distaste to it, might i recommend this one.

    okay, so that was another “joke”. seriously though, if you want to suck all the joy out of that post, might i recommend you read it as a satire of those who would like see standards applied to this industry. there’s it was written the way it was. if you want to have a debate, then i think standards (except for the ones i benefit from of course!) are a horrible idea. i noticed you correctly labeled us as “marketing professionals”. i don’t recall there being a governing body over the advertising, marketing or pr industries. I also don’t recall seeing one for journalists, historians or anyone else. see, the thing about it is, they don’t need one. neither do we (except for the one i proposed of course). the proof is in the pudding. if you’re a goddammed liar and thief, it’ll come out. if you’re able to prove yourself and do your job well, you’re gonna’ make a whole helluva’ lot of money. An arbitrary governing body isn’t going to give you that. besides, we have search engines more or less telling us which tactics are kosher as well as a whole heap of laws from the governments. you really don’t need more than that.

    finally, lighten the fuck up! this is soooooooooooo a funny topic. it’s not as funny as three-legged cats, but it’s still pretty damn entertaining. this industry is still friggin’ young, yet everyone acts like it’s matured. it hasn’t. we need to be able to poke fun at ourselves to get to greater truths.

    anyways, thanks again for stopping by!

  10. Feydakin Says:

    You had me until #7. I simply can not comply. Now if you had said the BeatFreakz version of Superfreak, you might have had me join in.

  11. Melanie Phung Says:

    I knew a three-legged cat once. She was very sweet even though her life was so tragic. So I don’t see what could possibly be funny about three-legged cats and I advise you not to make jokes at her expense.

    (Also not funny is that her name actually was Lil Three-Legged Kitty)

  12. Syzlak Says:

    Humor is a serious issue

  13. batwoman Says:

    I knew all that money we spent on your student loans was good for something!

  14. batwoman Says:

    Chris– With all respect the purpose of a governing body isn’t to make you look good to your clients.

    As an attorney I will tell you most of our rules are about not lying to the court, not hurting people who put their trust in you (like little old ladies and daddies desperate to see their kids), and –if you are in Washington State– not sleeping with clients.

    As you don’t work with a branch of the government nor little old ladies and people in emotionally difficult places, I don’t see the point of lots of rules to follow and dues to pay.

  15. chris boggs Says:

    I feel somewhat blessed that an attorney has decided to weigh in. Was that billable time?

    Seohack if you knew me you would know that i do have a sense of humor and am actually not that bad of a guy. Quite frankly though I would likely blow you off as someone not that important or interesting if we met, since we are making assumptions based on one comment and one post.

  16. seohack Says:

    @ boggs – i’m pretty sure batwoman takes pity on the humorless and won’t bill you. ;)

    well, you have a body of work to decide whether or not i’m an asshole (and if you read any of the other posts, you would have decided i was) and i had a comment. and based on your comments, i’m guessing you’re a whole helluva’ a lot of fun at parties and great at making “important or interesting” friends.

    hope to see you soon! =)

  17. Syzlak Says:

    wow. just got chilly in here.

    I don’t really understand how somebody could be so self absorbed as to say that if SEOHack met you, he’d realize that you’re a good guy; whilst, at the same time, saying that if you met SEOHack you wouldn’t give a shit. That takes balls…balls, or just a fucked up, elitist world view.
    While I’m sure that Boggs wouldn’t care who SEOHack is, frankly, as one of the few people here that knows SEOHack, I know that he doesn’t give a shit about anybody that he meets.

    The funny thing here, is that SEOHack (at least from my viewpoint) was not trying to start anything personal here. I mean shit, it’s a friggin humor-centric blog. And although I understand Boggs’ emphatic support for SEO standards, I’m still troubled how seriously and personally he is taking this article. Doesn’t it seem odd to anyone else that the 1 guy who’s critical of the post keeps coming back?

  18. 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    [...] just so no one gets the wrong idea about me, I DO NOT condone eating babies.  I may not be “important or interesting“, but I do not eat babies no think a diet of babies is a good idea.  I don’t even like [...]

  19. Melanie Says:

    You know what would help here? A rap off. That’s right, I said a mother-f*ing rap off. Oh yee-ah!

  20. Syzlak Says:

    @Melanie – :)

    now I’m done, my heart is smiling, anger subsiding…

  21. seohack Says:

    @ Melanie. Good thinking! But I think Mr. Boggs would classify that as taking a part of the “sophomoric underbelly” that “continually hurts SEO professionals”.

    too bad. =(

  22. Malte Landwehr Says:

    I’m glad this is only an aprils fool joke. Maybe this posts help people who want seo standards why they would not work.

  23. chris boggs Says:

    Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat volutpat. Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis at vero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignissim qui blandit praesent luptatum zzril delenit augue duis dolore te feugait nulla facilisi.

  24. seohack Says:

    heheheh, thanks for stopping by, Mr. Boggs! I went ahead and did you the favor of adding your company’s URL to your name. However, if you’d rather me send it to a blog or something, do let me know.

    And let me know if you want ADR to beat box for our rap-off and One-Pac to rip the vinyl.

    have an excellent day!

  25. streko Says:

    !uoy sevol natas sdik rebmemer

  26. Melanie Says:

    ¡spɹɐpuɐʇs oǝs sǝʌol oslɐ ǝɥ puɐ

  27. streko Says:

    OMFG.

    how did you do that?

  28. chris boggs Says:

    hehe glad I was able to add a little levity into the day. I wanted to respond but had no time so I used a placeholder. :p

    I too am impressed with the upside down letters very cool.

    Thanks for the link.

    Are you West Coast style or East Coast, hack? I may have a rap or two at my disposal.

  29. chris boggs Says:

    oh hey I just found this thread that the Lisa wrote about at BC (http://www.bruceclay.com/blog/archives/2008/04/the_best_advice.html) and wow should I have seen it first: http://www.tomstechblog.com/post/2008/04/Shel-Israel-vs-Loren-and-the-Puppet.aspx

    The more I think about it the more I feel your satirical post on this subject is very important to help people keep an even keel.

    So in case anyone does not clearly understand: I apologize for dismissing this content as being counter-productive to the topic. please let me know if I can help in the future with a link or a quote somewhere. You have my email. :)

  30. Melanie Phung Says:

    lɯʇɥ˙dılɟ/ɯoɔ˙pɐɟʌǝɹ˙ʍʍʍ//:dʇʇɥ

  31. Melanie Phung Says:

    If you place a link on your site upside down, the Google Juice flows in the other direction ;)

  32. seohack Says:

    @ Mr. Boggs – heheheh, the Latin really classed up the joint. Now my rent is gonna’ go up. East Coast, West Coast, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, bring it! ;) and don’t worry about calling this junk counter-productive – I’d have been the first to tell you that! And i might have to use your quote about this place being the sophomoric underbelly and all that as my new tag line; if only i had thought of it first! At any rate, even if you don’t bring it, don’t be a stranger.

    @ melanie – this whole time i thought you was writing in russian. thanks for the tip on the google juice though!

  33. Open Letter to the Jason Gambert Fanboys & the SEO Standards Crowd « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    [...] need that kind of shit! That’s way too much pressure! I gave you people my own set of SEO Standards – either follow them or don’t. And I’m guessing you all are in the [...]

  34. April ‘08: Best Search/Marketing Posts Says:

    [...] SEO Hack/Worst SEO Blog Ever: You Want SEO Standards? Well, Here Ya Go! [...]

  35. 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    [...] I can take a hint. But, before I let this drop, let it be known that not only have I given the SEO Industry standards, I’ve also given you people a theme song. Hell, I even suggested an official band for the [...]

  36. Sphinn: Free Melanie Phung!!! « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    [...] is actually a valuable member of the community.  Me, not so much.  Though I did give all you all SEO Standards (I have yet to receive any oxen or children, btw).  But Melanie, she’s finding and sharing [...]

  37. 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    [...] to shut the fuck up.  I don’t usually try to tell people what to do, well, aside from my SEO Standards, and I realize that the person who should probably be reading this the most will never see it.  [...]

  38. Sean Says:

    I had the president of one company tell me that SEO was a bunch of black magic/snake oil. The next month he turned off PPC and stopped SEO to watch traffic to his site plummet three months later. Sometimes to show value you have to turn off the juice for a while.

  39. LOL Funny! - All 2009 Nominees » SEMMYS.org Says:

    [...] You Want SEO Standards? Well, Here Ya Go! SEO Hack | 4/1/08 [...]

  40. This Week In Search Marketing Staffing – 4/8/08 — Onward Search Blog Says:

    [...]  SEOhack followed Jill’s posting by proposing his own list of calculated standards, You Want SEO Standards? Well Here Ya Go.     His standards start [...]

  41. Car insurance claims >> http://onlinecarinsuranceclaims.com/ Says:

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  42. This Week In Search Marketing Staffing – 4/8/08 Says:

    [...] Last week bloggers sounded off on the issue of SEO Standards.  It all started with Jill Whalen’s article, We Don’t Need SEO Standards.  SEOhack followed Jill’s posting by proposing his own list of calculated standards, You Want SEO Standards? Well Here Ya Go. [...]

  43. Last Action Seo Says:

    Last Action Seo…

    Vielen Dank für das freischalten des Kommentars….

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