You Want SEO Standards? Well, Here Ya Go!

On the Sphinn lately there’s been a bunch of stuff going on about whether or not we, the search marketing industry, need standards. Seeing this as an opportunity to usher in a new world order help the SEM community set some reasonable standards, I submit to the search community these SEO Standards.

Mission Statement:

The purpose of the SEO standards set below are severalfold. Firstly, with these standards, the search marketing industry (hereto after referred to as the Industry) feel better about the work they are doing and to feel “professional”. Secondly, these standards give the Industry the right to “bitch slap” those found violating the standards. Thirdly, the standards give the Industry the opportunity to look down their nose at those who do not follow the standards and have been “bitch slapped” (note: this does happen, but now tactics can be looked down upon by the Industry in an “official” manner). Fourthly, the standards set forth the proper ladder of respect to keep the rabble under the Industry’s thumb for better education and understanding of important SEO tactics as well as the delineation of white- and black-hats. Fifthly, the standards set forth are for making a few a whole buttload of moolah!!! for the promotion of the Industry and education of those outside the Industry.

The Standards of SEO:

1. Those who wish to proclaim they are a part of the Industry must adhere to the Standards of SEO.

2. Every two months those who consider themselves a part of the Industry must glom onto the latest SEO tactic or social media innovation and exhaust its potential as well as write no less than thirty (30) posts about said tactic/innovation.

3. On a quarterly basis, the Board of SEO will convene to decide which tactics are acceptable for the Industry and which are not, regardless of what the search engines (hereto after referred to as Them) deem as acceptable or what is effective. Those found using un-acceptable tactics will be forced to invoke the Ghost of SEO by looking into a candle-lit mirror and saying “Bloody Danny” thirteen times. If the Ghost of SEO does not murder the offender, then the offender will pay to the Board of SEO three chests of gold or fifteen virgin daughters.

4.  Any tactic discussed that has not been approved by the Board of SEO will be ridiculed in Sphinn.com and the offender will be hunted down and forced to wear a huge cone on their head imprinted with “Dunce” similar to those found in old episodes of “Our Gang” and cartoons circa 1942.

5.  If a member of the Industry is attacked by a social community, then members of the Industry MUST come to the aid of the attacked member (regardless if said member has spammed and broke the social mores of the community) in the form of blog posts condemning the member of the attacking community as “trolls” and “a-holes”.  Use of the word “asshole” is also acceptable.

6.  On a quarterly basis member of the Industry must wring their hands about the perception of SEO and the Industry.  Eventually the Standards of SEO will render this pointless, but it still must be done.

7.   “Red River Rock” by Johnny and the Hurricanes is to be played at the outset of any rumble against Them.

8.  Before a member of the Industry is to perform services with a client, they must discuss with said client the membership status of said member.  Once said client is made aware that said member is a member of the Industry, then said member must have a conversation about those who perform “SEO” outside of the Industry (it isn’t considered real SEO unless the Industry approves it) as well as educate said client on why those who do not submit to the Standards of SEO or the Industry cannot be trusted and are generally thieves and a-holes who would screw their own grandmother over for a shiny nickel and will not be considered professional or legitimate until they have submitted to the Standards of SEO and paid the back dues as well as current dues requisite for displaying the official logo of the Industry.

9.  Those found practicing SEO without the permission of the Board of SEO and without the official logo or permission of the Industry will be summarily rounded and beaten.  Their clientele will be advised to ignore the advice of the offender (regardless of positive results to their SEM efforts) and given the name of an SEO who features the official logo of the Industry and has paid their dues (monetary, not experience) to the Industry.

10.  Those who wish to be a part of the Industry and gain benefit from the Industry logo can do so only after paying membership dues of the weight of three oxen in silver every fortnight.

11.  Anyone found in violation of the Standards of SEO will be stripped of their logo and forced to bow at the shrine of Doug Heil for forgiveness.

12.  When encountering a member of the Board or what is referred to as an “SEO Rockstar”, all opinions will be deferred to the opinion of the the Board Member or “SEO Rockstar” at hand.

Well, that’s all I have for now and it looks like a very healthy start.  As with all sets of standards and governing bodies, it will surely grow into an outstanding bureaucracy of cumbersome policies and nonsense bent on protecting itself and its power.  But at least now we have a starting place!  As a founding member of the Board, feel free to send me the weight of three oxen in silver and I’ll get the official logo out to you pronto.