7 Obvious Search Industry Predictions for 2010

So, now that I’ve pissed away a month of 2010, I figured, “Hey, now is the perfect time to give my predictions!”  Totally fucking yawn, right?  Anyways, they’re obvious, so that should be even more of a reason for you to play some game on your iPhone instead of reading this drivel while you’re sitting on the shitter.  Oh, don’t tell my you iPhone people don’t use it while you’re sitting on the hopper.  How could you not?  It’s totally made for the toilet!  I imagine that as it was being developed, Jobs was all about making it for bathroom use.

Dev Lackey: Your Highness! We’ve found a way to not only make the iPod more friggin’ awesome, but also more like a “business” tool and sucker people into long term contracts with some cell phone company.

Steve Jobs: Really? What do you have, knave?

Dev Lackey: We call it the iPhone.  You can check email, surf the internet and make phone calls from anywhere, anytime!

Steve Jobs: You mean, I can download while I’m “downloading”?

Dev Lackey: With all due respect sir, you did that joke to death when we developed the Mac Book.  And please don’t make it again when we finally unveil the iPad.

Steve Jobs: Heheheh, you said iPad.  Which marketing douche came up with that name?  Get it?  Douche? ‘Cuz it’s called the iPad?!??!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Laugh with me, knave!  HAHAHAHAHHA!

Dev Lackey: (under breath) Where’s my gun.

Now, since we know that it was created for use in the stall and not the office, I don’t know why in the hell they made the damn thing white.  They should’ve offered it in brown, like Microsoft did with the Zune (too obvious, eh?).  Though, I don’t know who in the hell needs to listen to music while they’re in the bathroom, which really makes you wonder about Microsoft engineers and designers.  But anyways, this post has little to do with iPhone usage trends and more to do with my 7 Search Industry Predictions for 2010.  And yes, I realize some of these may have happened without my knowing since I haven’t been on the internet for over a month.  So, without further delay or narratives . . . .

1.  Google will do something that will get Mr. Gray all pissed off, which will cause him to bitch and moan a lot and I’ll spend some late night trying to decipher the one side of the conversation I’m getting since I don’t follow Matt Cutts.  You can also substitute Google with BlogHer.  And yes, I realize I could just follow Matt Cutts and get the whole conversation.  And yes, I also realize Matt Cutts has nothing to do with BlogHer, so you can’t simply just substitute BlogHer for Google and read this prediction straight through (get off my ass!  Remember . . . I haven’t been online for over a month . . . fuck it).

2.  SEOmoz will do or state something and someone will call them on their shit and then Fishkin will say, “Nuh uh!” while whoever is all pissed off will say, “Uhh huh!” and the whole bruhaha will spill over to the Sfin where I will largely ignore it until somebody who actually pays attention to this Jr. High hallway industry asks me if I’ve heard the latest on it.

3. Twitter will come out with some new “feature” which will piss everyone off, yet no one will leave.

4.  Ms. Whalen will make a fair, honest point on the Sfin and some ass will make an ass out of himself because he’s too busy showing his ass to assess that it was a fair and honest point.

5.  Some asswipe will say “SEO is dead” for attention and then get invited to keynote at a search industry pow wow.

6.  Lisa Barone will write some inflammatory post on that one blog she blogs on and there will be some dude that gets all bent out of shape and goes off on her, while 50 other dudes comment back to her defense.  The truth will be that all 51 of those dudes are hoping to see some knee sock pics, not talk about the post or anything else relevant.  And yes, I’m referring to you, you fucking pervo!  She’s somebody’s sister and daughter, you know!

7.  I’ll make some outrageous promise to claim to be writing on this shitty little blog and then totally renege on it a week later.  Or maybe month.  But probably a week.

So, see you in September!