Top 10 Reasons I Can’t Party Like an SEO Rock Star

I remember seeing something in that one post by Rebecca at SEOmoz and then I saw it in one of Jaan Kanellis‘ posts about partying like an SEO Rockstar at the upcoming PubCon with Shoemoney and his pals. Jaan had some pretty compelling reasons as to why he should win. But it got me to thinking – could I possibly win something like this?

I thought about it for about five minutes and decided no. And like Jaan, I made a list. So, here you go, my Top 10 Reasons I Can’t Party Like An SEO Rockstar:

1. I’d have to be in my room at 10 pm to catch the girls.

2. All the free literature concerning strippers would be waaaaay to distracting and I’d spend all my time scouring the streets for these fliers of naked goodness.

3. Trust me – what happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. However, that statement is true about Winnemucca.

4. See that picture of Neil Patel doing a hit on a beer bong? If I were holding the funnel there’s a good chance he’d be drinking piss. As turns out, people don’t find drinking piss as funny as I do.

5. No Waffle House.

6. Until I went to his blog, I didn’t know who Shoemoney was. Beermoney, sure, everybody knows Beermoney. He’s awesome! But until about four hours ago I thought Shoemoney was some suburban housewife swilling booze, downing pills and shopping Overstock.

7. I like to drink and fight just like everybody else, but unfortunately I like to fight old men who pull their trousers up to their man-boobs. They’re much easier to take down.

8. $500 doesn’t buy the high quality midget hookers like it used to.

9. I’m a pretty big asshole (at least according to Mom), but I’m not as big an asshole as this douchebag. Besides, that guy is way hardcore. He fucking pissed on his fiance’s clothes while they were in the drawer. THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING DRAWER. If he went, not only would it be awkward because I called him an asshole and a douchebag, I’d be afraid of him pissing on me. THIS GUY SCARES ME. This is guy is the reason I stick to picking fights with the oldsters at the early bird buffet.  He’s one story about fucking a groupie with a fish from being a bonafide Rock Star.  Well, that and a guitar.

10. Criss fucking Angel. I hate that motherfucker. I hate his fucking guts. If I saws that motherfucker, I’d beat him down like he was an old man. I’d rip his fucking arms off and beat his emo-magic-boy ass with them like a drum. Like one of those drum-playing monkeys, like his boyfriend Tommy Lee. I hate both those fuckers. And from what I understand, those two douchebags spend a lot of time in Vegas. I really don’t want to spend my time inVegas in the pokey getting the, er, forced anal pokey.

So there you have it. I’m a Golden Girls watching, old man fighting, beer bong pissing-in, chickenshit-asshole who hates Criss Angel. From what I’ve been reading, it’s the antithesis (oooo! big word!) of an SEO RockStar.