Twelpforce? Best Buy, You Really DO Want Me To Hate You.

July 29, 2009

I was just sitting here on my ass, halfway watching the TV and contemplating on whether or not to switch to a gin and tonic, a maitai or stick with the beer when I saw some young gal standing in front of a stadium of blue clad people.  Always intrigued by cults, I paid attention.  And then she asked about cell phones and then cult was yelling at her about having plans and then something about the future . . .  and then I saw they were running their fucking Twitter page – calling it Twelpforce.

For fuck’s sake.

Few things make me want to climb a clock tower and start picking off people wearing blue polo shirts than the insistence of people on the Twitter cutesying the fucking vernacular up by adding fucking “tw” to every noun, verb, pronoun, adjective and adverb.  Yes, part of that last sentence would have read ” . . . tweeple on the Twitter twutesying the twucking twernacular .  . .”.    Pretty fucking annoying, huh?

But nothing takes the cake like a bunch of assholes from some corporate office (I’m looking at you, Best Buy!) jumping in on the act.  I can just see their fucking boardroom now:

Biff:  Hey, this Twitter thing seems popular with the youngsters! How do we take advantage of this?

Sven:  Well, Biff, we’re getting ready for a new push on our cell phone plans.  And people on Twitter, or, catch this – Tweeple! – will follow anything! Especially if it’s on television!  We can advertise our cell phone plans on TV, talk about us “helping” them with other home tech questions, and get these cwazy Tweeple to follow it and have an avenue for annoying the holy piss out of them only the way a mindless, bandwagon jumping corporation can!  And to give it the air of being useful, and getting us some “tweet cred” with the tweeples, we could call it “Twelpforce”! Get it? Twelpforce instead of Help Force?  Because it’s on Twitter!

Biff:  Great idea! Let’s get our best “tweeple”, heheheh, on it!  I’ll start getting our creative team on the television ad!

Sven:  Biff, don’t you mean “twelevision”?  Get it? Twelevision!

Biff:   Oh, Sven! You card!

And then these two assholes go off to the strip club to sniff a little cocaine and get lapdances, which somehow ends up with them in a hotel room together and some very embarrassing photos making it back to their wives.  But I digress.  Nothing makes a company look like a gigantic jackass than taking a ham-handed approach to appealing to a core audience of a specific outlet.  Sure, it makes sense for them to get Geek Squad involved in this and developing their core brand a little further.  And yeah, I can see how seeing other companies do a good job of utilizing the Twitter for building their brand and reaching out to their customer base would appeal to a company like Best Buy, especially if  you consider Best Buy has a spotty customer service reputation at best.  And it certainly makes sense that a gadget retailer would try to reach out to early adopters, though, to do that they should have been on the Twitter two years ago.

Jumping in now, with a fucking “cute” name just smacks of douchebaggery.  While I’m sure they’ll get plenty of people following them, which will make them the perfect fodder for other Best Buy marketing messages, I have a feeling this isn’t going to have the desired effect they intended.  It just seems like it’s too little, too late, too obnoxiously.  But what the hell do I know?  They already have over 4,000 followers.

Tonight I Was Thinking . . . .

July 28, 2009

About how I wish I were Mexican.  Not because I love Mexico or Mexicans necessarily, but mostly because then I might have been given a fucking cool name, like Guillermo del Toro.  Though honestly, as cool of a last name “del Toro” is (and is it waaaay fucking cool!), I’d be happy with Guillermo for a first name.  There’s not a lot of Guillermos around, or at least not around here.  And if someone said my name without rolling the “r”, I’d totally be that jackass that corrects them.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know Guillermo del Toro is Spanish.  But face it, Spaniards are just fancy Mexicans just like Englishmen are just fancy Americans.  I know all you Spaniards and Englishpeople (that isn’t a word, is it?) are probably pretty apalled by that, but it’s the truth.  We’re just the lowbrow version of you people.

And that’s okay.

Amazon Buys Zappos Blah Blah Blah

July 23, 2009

Yes, I realize I totally renegged on my “I’m going to start posting again, honest!” thing.  So, I was wrong.  But anyways, yesterday, unless you were passed out drunk under a tree and getting a nasty sunburn because the sun fucking moved (yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the earth revolves around the sun, not the sun revolves around the earth – save the fucking lecture, Professor), you probably didn’t find out about it until last night.  Which means you missed out on all the commenting and arm-chair CEO-ing that comes along with bullshit like that.

So anyways, it totally makes sense why Amazon would buy Zappos.  “What?!?!? They were a bookseller! They have no business selling shoes (or any of the other shit they sell on for that matter)!  Why the hell do you think they should get in the shoe business, you ignorant, unemployed asshole?”  you may be thinking.  And hey, just because I’m unemployed, and maybe ignorant, and probably an asshole doesn’t mean I can’t do some half-assed business analysis a day late and after everyone has quit talking about.  Don’t tell me how to blog, MOM!

So yeah, it makes sense.  Think about it.  With the economy in the shitter, everyone is broke-ass like me.  But perhaps not as good looking.  Anyways, with everybody being broke, who the hell has money for downloading MP3s or buying CDs?  And books?  To hell with buying a book.  All these cheap asses are going to the library now or standing in the aisles at the Walmart reading shit. On top of that, who the hell has money for broadband?  You ever try buying shit or, worse yet, downloading anything over dial-up?  Exactly.  You might as well get a blanket and start a fire.

By now you’re thinking, “Okay, Mr. Shitty Logic, what makes you think people have money for shoes then?  No wonder you’re unemployable, you fucking moron.”  Ah ha, but that’s where it makes sense.  Poor people still need shoes.  And where are they going to get shoes if they have no money and no interweb?  By stealing them from rich people.  And where are rich people going to get their shoes?  They’re going to fire up the internet, go to and start avoiding the library where fucking poor people steal their shoes.  It’s called the circle of life, bitches.

So there you have it.  In a bizarre form of trickle down economics, it makes total sense for Amazon to buy a shoe reseller than say, develop an eBook reader that’s the size of a fucking laptop with none of the funtionality.

Perez Hilton Got Andy Dick’d

June 24, 2009

So, here’s the thing. We all know people on the interweb are assholes. It’s just the way it is. Fuck it or fight it, at the end of the day, this little barrier of silica and wire and a bunch of other shit I really don’t understand makes it so the assholes will remain, well, assholish. It’s the way it is. That’s why a monkey will fling shit at you when you go to the zoo. Monkeys are naturally assholes, and putting them in a cage makes them act like bigger assholes. Put a barrier in the mix, and well, you got shit all over your new shirt and junior is going to have seek counseling. It’s sixth grade science, really.  But this isn’t about monkeys flinging shit, er, well, I guess it kind of is. Anyways, this is about what happens when you fling shit and that magical barrier is gone.

Now, I admit, while I’m jealous of Perez Hilton’s anhiliating anhialating annhialating kicking the holy shit out of me for the worst blog of all time, but that has nothing to do with this.  Hell, I didn’t even know who the fuck is or was until Syzlak explained it to me, and even then I was still friggin’ lost.  Apparently, he got the president elected or something with either MySpace or the YouTube, though if it were the Hulu that’d totally make sense since I’m boycotting them because I hate their fucking ads so much.  I mean, c’mon – some kid in ad school win a contest or something?  Those ads actually make me violent.  Violent enough that if Perez Hilton had been talking shit about Syzlak or Ms. Rebecca Kelley or Comrade Melanie, I would have Lovitzed his ass too.

Which is the point of this.  Did he deserve to get his punk ass whooped?  That’s up for debate.  I mean, he did start acting like a dick to, in real life, and somebody jumped in.  But, kicking the shit out of people is against the law, regardless of how much of a prick they’re being to you.  The real lesson here is if you’re gonna’ act like an asshole on the internet, someday somebody may want to kick the shit out of you.  And when you go out into the real world and act like an asshole, no one gives a shit that Miley Cyrus is your amiga (really?  That’s not the punchline to a joke?  Hey – lookit that! A pun!) and you will likely get the shit beat out of you.  And it will take an hour for the police to arrive.  And people will snigger at the picture of you crying.  Or at least I probably will.

I’m Even MORE Legit, Bitches!

June 7, 2009

– or –

I Was Relevant Once

HAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAA!  I don’t know why or how, nor do I really care, but on a list of 117 SEO blogs that are worth a shit, this was one of them!!!

Okay, so the post is from March of last year.  But what the hell.  Just like that creepy gym teacher that’s grooming potential minors to have sex with, I’m sayin’ age is nothing but a date, and I don’t care that the date of that post is from last year.  You have to take credit where credit it due, even if, you know, you kind of do it a year later when your unemployed ass has nothing to do but think about your next gin and tonic and watch the new season of Bridezillas (I wonder if divorce lawyers watch this shit to troll for future clients, but anyways, I was gloating).  A win is a fucking win, even if you didn’t realize you won over a year later.  You don’t see those Olympic fuckers sending back medals after it turns out some dirtbag pissed a dirty test, do you?  Exactly.  It’s just like that, sans urine. And medals.  Well, and glory and television coverage.  Other than that, pretty much the same thing.  Except nobody cares about this and for whatever reason they give a shit about the Olympics.

The other thing is, there are some really good fucking SEO blogs on that list!  By people that know shit, nonetheless.  And from a source like Promote My Site (I’m pretty sure they promoto websites or something), that’s gotta count for something too.  So, again, this is a big win.  Me = AWESOME.

Before I wrap this up and have a celebratory beer (should have a half rack if you consider the interest one beer would have had had I had it then.  Wow, that sentence can’t be grammatically correct), I’d like to say thank you to every one of you who have gone and voted for me for the worst blog of all time.   I know beating Perez Hilton is a personal wet dream of mine (I can’t believe I just used “Perez Hilton” and “wet dream” in the same sentence – I think I threw up in my mouth a little) for this honor and likely to only happen once he quits or gets a conscience, but being second is  pretty fucking cool.  Thank you for your support.  Seriously, it’s pretty damn awesome.  Thank you.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

June 5, 2009

What a week, huh?  GM files Chapter 11, California is down to its last dime (perfect time for someone to take over a government! Anyone game?) and it looks like David Carradine may have accidentally hung himself doing something he probably didn’t want all of us to know he was into.  Though, there is some good news.  Now that SMX Advanced is over, we can go back to looking at our Twitter feeds without seeing half a dozen twats about what we’re missing every five minutes.

So anyways, when I was putting this together, I was thinking, “Man, this may be the best one yet! Maybe this will be the ticket to regaining the respect of my colleagues.  Maybe I’ll get that coveted fifth reader!”  Then I finished it up and realized that it’s not only not as good as I had hoped, it’s pretty bad.  Like, I might be back to two readers.  I actually put effort into finding and noting stuff all week too and all it got me was this shitty post.  Oh well.  Either way, it was an educational week.

1.  It looks like Obama is going to fix the economny after all.

2.  The Excalibur needs to do a better job of keeping their employees busy.  The only thing sadder than robbing a store for smokes with a sword is using your mom’s Altima for a getaway car.

3.  Who needs Congress when you can leverage ICANN to fuck over the little guy?  Even if you stand to gain from some bullshit like that, you have to admit it’s bullshit.  This is why you should never trust groups of people.

4.  Can white women and black women get along?  Let’s find out with two bikini-clad contestants in a pit of Jell-O or mud!  No?  Panties and a pillow fight?  Ask a stupid-ass question, get a sexist answer.

5.  If California passed a stupid tax, they might actually get over their budget deficit.  What’s even more amazing, one of these stupid assholes actually not only graduated from law school but also passed the fucking Bar exam.  What the hell? Thanks for uncovering this dietary advice, Mr. Pilatowski!

6.  Few things make me laugh and smile as much as the thought of a cat shitting in a toilet.  I’d like to say that the video cracked me up, but thanks to my fucking awesome connectivity from Hughesnet I gave up after waiting ten fucking minutes for the fucking thing to fucking load.  Oh my god I need a fucking drink.  So tell me, did he sit there with a little magazine or newspaper like we do?  Just curious, because, you know, the whole Hughesnet thing and not being able to see that what I am to assume is a fucking awesome video of a cat shitting in a toilet.  Really, my dreams are simple dreams.

7.  A brothel in Nevada is actually creating jobs.   I know a lot of people are syaing this won’t pencil out because of the “needs of a woman”, but to all those naysayers, I disagree.  Men are willing to pay sex.   Imagine how little you’d have to pay them to work in a brothel.  Hell, give them a logo T-shirt and a free dinner at Sizzler and you’d still be turning away applicants.  This will work.

Alright, time to find some pants to wear to the Wal-Mart.  Apparently they’re getting all fancy and junk and are going to require such things now.  Fucking rich people ruin everything.

The Thing About Bing

June 4, 2009

Pretty clever title, eh?  It has a nice cadence and it rhymes!  Lookit’ that!  Really, that’s a pretty awesome title.  Okay, maybe not so much.  But anyways . . . .

So, Microsoft comes out with a new search engine and it seems at first everybody panned it and now some people are saying, “you know, this isn’t such a turd after all.”  But here’s the thing.  This could be the best search engine in the world.  It could be that “Google-slayer” that people have been yammering about for the last seven or eight years.  Yeah, it could be the best fucking thing in the world.   Doesn’t matter.  Much like Lenny petting a rabbit, Microsoft will totally fuck Bing up.  Hell, you could even say they already fucked it up with that dumb-ass name.  Really?  Bing?  That’s the best they could come up with.  What are they gonna’ name their mobile version – BinGo?  And that’s why this thing is friggin’ DOA.  It’s got a stupid ass name.  And yeah, I realize it’s all Beta-y and junk, but they really should have updated their fucking index for it before spinning this thing live.  Or, screw 301s and take up their SERP space.

Didn’t they just launch “Live” last year?  I’m just sayin’, rolling out a new search engine every other month looks like a desperate plea to show you’re relevant.  So, I guess if you don’t like Bing, just wait a year and the big brains at Microsoft will roll out another craptastic search engine and we’ll get to see the Ballmer-boogie again.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

May 29, 2009

Alright, so this is really like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb  Last Week and This Week.  But fuck it.  I’ve been a busy bastard!  Okay, maybe busy is a little misleading.  But I’ve had shit to do.  And then there was a long weekend, and as we all know, three day weekends usually start on Thursday because Friday is usually a fuck-around day and then the following Tuesday, you’re still hungover so it’s not even really like that day counts either.  Of course, I’m talking about back when I had a job and stupid shit like showing up to work actually mattered.  And now I wonder why the hell no one will hire my broke-ass.  Anyways, so here’s the junk I learned, with all the usual warnings about being disappointed and junk.

1.  The only thing worse than her stealing a few lines from some blogger is Maureen Dowd’s abuse of makeup.  Yikes!  You could almost float a quarter in that shit!  How’d you like to wake up next to that?  Anways, there’s something to be said about growing old gracefully.  And yes, I realize this looks like a sexist double standard, but the other night I was watching CNBC or something and a guy, yes, an older DUDE, had the same damn problem.  Only, I can’t find a picture of that guy so I’m going to pick on the plagiarist.  What I find more interesting than her clown school face painting job is how quickly this went away.  Maureen, you steal my shit and I swear to god it won’t go away that quickly.  Just warning you.

2.  Some shit just doesn’t make sense.  Not even to Syzlak.

3.  Ms. Rebecca Kelley’s three year blogging anniversary was last week and I totally forgot to get her anything! What kind of creepy interweb stalker forgets an important anniversary like that?

4.  I’m not the only who thinks Ms. Piggy has it going on.  You know, if having sex with puppets wasn’t creepy and junk.

5.  Americans and Mexicans aren’t the only ones seeing Jesus in crazy shit.  Welcome to the club, United Kingdom!  Thanks, Mr. Davies, for bringing this to our attention.

6.  There are now three things in life that you can count on – death, taxes and Microsoft totally sucking at the interweb.  I don’t even know where to start.  But they should smother their marketing team.  Bing – really?  Really?  All that money and they came up with “Bing”?  Frankly, it’s quite amazing they haven’t totally made the X-box fucktarded . . . yet.  And they have such big brains up there!

7.  Carol Bartz is my kind of bossI may have a crush on her.

So there it is.

That Motherfucker Ain’t Me!!!

May 27, 2009

Alright, so it looks like it’s time to clear the air a little.

So, here’s how it went down.  MilwaukeeSEO (despite the fact I’ve drank a bit of Beast Ice, I still can’t spell fucking Milwaukee to save my ass) wrote a post on April 21st about how maybe we’re all getting dumber thanks to all this social media bullshit or something, and then on May 7th I, posing as “Your Neighbor”, made a pretty asshole comment back to Mr. MilwaukeeSEO.

Yeah, I’m an asshole and have left asshole comments before.  But that wasn’t me.  Not even fucking close.  I saw that @milwaukeeseo mentioned me on the Twitter in a  twat and ran to the post all excited and junk because I’d been mentioned.  Yes, my depressed, unemployed ass still feeds off any scrap of attention I can get from this thing like a junkie rat licking syringes in the methadone clinic’s dumpster.  The fucking interweb will do that to you.  But anyways, this isn’t about how pathetic I am, but more about how much of an asshole I wasn’t being on May 7th.  I digress.

Anyways, that motherfucker isn’t me.  And to make my point, here’s 7 Tell-Tale Signs That Fucking Bastard “Your Neighbor” Isn’t SEO Hack:

1. I totally would have used “SEO Hack” and not “Your Neighbor” in the hopes that the link would have been not nofollowed (look – I used a double negative!).  And yeah, now I know it’s nofollowed, but honestly, I would have been too friggin’ lazy to check that out when commenting.

2.  “Your a pathetic little dick . . . ” would have been “You’re a pathetic little dick . . .”.  Yeah, I’m lazy, but I know when to fucking use “you’re” and “your”.  We learned that shit in the third grade.

3.  The phrases “pathetic little dick”, “you’ll cower”, “spineless worm”, “you little shit” and “bitch” are totally words a dominatrix would use.  I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.

4.  The word “fucking” is only used once.  We all know I prefer to use the word “fuck” and it’s variations as an adjective as well as an adverb, a verb, a noun and part of a noun.

5.  I don’t know what time that comment was left, but chances are if it was in the evening I was watching “The Fashion Show”, which is fucking horrible.  I mean, c’mon Bravo!!! Weinstein fucks all you all over and the best you can do is find a bunch of fucking egomaniacs with horrible design sense and the personalities of shit sandwiches that can’t fucking sew?!?!?  Really?  That’s going to make me forget about Tim and Heidi?  That one fucker who made that horrible rain coat last season that got booted off right off the bat is better than those hacks!  Except for James Paul.  That poor bastard should have been on Project Runway.  I bet he’s ESL and thought he was on Project Runway until he saw Isaac and Ms. Rowland (and Kelly may be the only bright spot on this turd).  And don’t get me started on this bullshit maneuver that got Project Runway moved to Lifetime.  Hurray, it’s not all man-killer movies anymore.  But that still doesn’t mean Project Runway is a good fit (and I’m still pissed at them for swapping Will & Grace for the Golden Girls after Frasier).

6.  Someone who runs an amateur hour blog wouldn’t dare call another blog “amateur hour”.  Something about rocks and glass houses and junk.  Plus, since my life now revolved around tricking the unemployment office into giving me checks, who am I to tell someone to get a life?  I might be an asshole, but I know my place!

7.  The fucking post is 100% spot on and even a dumb motherfucker like me can see that.  And if you read my AWESOME body of work, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to see that.

Now, it’s easy to see why someone would want to pretend to be someone as awesome as me.  But at the same time, if you’re gonna’ make me look like a fucking asshole, at least have the goddammed courtesy to do it right.


It’s A Milestone, Really.

May 20, 2009

I never thought I’d see the day, and I can’t tell you where it ranked, which page it was or how far down in the SERPs the poor bastard had to go to find it, but, this site, this Den of Awesomeness as I like to call it, was found for a one-word search phrase.  A very competitive one at that – “fuck”.

That’s right bitches! Fuck! I was found for it! It’s almost as good as being the second worst blog of all time.

Oh – this place was also somehow found for “Maine porn”.  Don’t know why, don’t know how, and don’t know that I really want to know.  In a way, when you think about it, it’s almost as disturbing as “pikachu porn”.