Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

“is andy dick an asshole?”

November 10, 2009

Last Sunday, someone asked a question and apparently that query got them to this shithole.  As a result, for some reason I feel compelled to answer their question.  So, here we go:

Question: Is Andy Dick an asshole?

Answer: Yes.

Rupert Murdoch, You Fucking Dinosaur

November 9, 2009

So, after a half a week and a weekend of no interweb, no the Twitter and nothing else giving me any news, I got onto the Twitter to see Mr. Pilatowski twatting some re-tweet about Rupert Murdoch having all his internets de-indexed by Google.

Say what?!?!?!?!

While most webmasters are bending over backwards licking Matt Cutts in the bad spot and sacrificing goats at the altar of Google to get some traffic, Mr. Murdoch is taking the bold new path of not having his sites indexed and perhaps rank for relevant news stories in Google. As part of his new paid access to News Corp. content, he’s cutting access to Google and other aggregators because they’ve been getting some sort of a free ride on the ol’ Rupert Murdoch express.  So, while the search engines and aggregators have been pimping his friggin’ sites for him for free, he’s decided to call bullshit on them and go to a paid model?  Seriously, that’s a good strategy?

Rupert, it’s time to join the year 2009.  Yes, Google, Bing, Yahoo! and all the search engines, as well as all the news aggregators, have been getting free shit from you.  In return, you get a whole bunch of friggin’ links that build value to your online properties.  As a result, your sites rank for stuff.   All because your websites are considered a fucking resource!!! What’s so hard about that to understand?!?!?!

There are plenty of people your age using the internet and I’m pretty fucking sure they’d understand what the hell I’m saying.  But instead, you’re going to take your ball and go home like a little bitch.  Meanwhile, you might get some people who sign up for the shit on your site, though, they’d likely get it somewhere else for fucking free. And I’m sure your advertisers are going to love the drop in traffic and ROAS they were receiving from the free traffic that went to your site leaches.  In the end, you’re putting pride ahead of profits.  And in the end, I hope it’s worth it.  Maybe you and fucking Mark Cuban can have a pity party when the fucking traffic dries up and News Corp and whatever the hell Cuban runs end up in the dust bin of internet history.

I got to be honest though.  This is so fucking exciting and I CANNOT wait to watch this train wreck!  Off to find corn for popping!  This is gonna’ be hilarious!

Top Chef + Delish.com = SEO Blog Serendipity, Bitches!

October 7, 2009

That’s right!

They actually featured a website, used the word “keyword” and did some other crap which means I can actually post a legitimate, SEO-related something or other about Top Chef and it will be half-assed relevant!  Which is great, ‘cuz rarely do I do anything full assed.

So anyways, from a search marketing point of view, it makes a lot of sense for Delish.com to have their site pimped by Top Chef.  I mean, hell, I didn’t remember the name of the site (again, shut the fuck up, Dad!) but was able to go the interweb and find it by doing this awesome search for “top chef recipe website from quickfire challenge”.  And I found the friggin’ site! You know why?  That’s right. SEO.  And can you imagine how much traffic they got from people who weren’t dumb assholes like me that actually could remember the name of that site (because they weren’t getting yelled at for not having a friggin’  job) or even knew that Delish.com existed?  I know, right!  That’s a lot of traffic.  And now if Bravo would quit being a bunch of stingy bitches and link out to that shit from their TV listings, I might not of had to use the Google at all.  Just sayin’, quit being a bunch of tight asses, Bravo.  It’s a real for real website.  I even used the son of a bitch to find a recipe for the only ingredients I had on-hand: gin, honey nut Cheerios and garlic salt (turns out they only recommend drinking the gin. Go figure.).

So, what lessons have we gleaned from tonight’s episode of Top Chef?  Well, first off, if you have a website about food and junk this might be a good offline avenue for getting online traffic.  Second, Bravo won’t link to your site even if they feature it on the friggin’ episode.   Third, Eli is punk ass who totally let Ashley go home for his shitty idea.  Fourth, sometimes it pays to be Picasso’s paint brush cleaner (really, dude, you were gushing) than on a team with Eli, who is a punk ass bitch who let you hang for his shitty dish idea.  Fifth, I hate Eli right now and will beat his punk ass down if I ever see him, so he’s pretty much safe unless my old man falls asleep before I do and I take his wallet and car keys.  And that piece of shit starts (who knew the Yugoslavians weren’t so good at building cars?).  Sixth, the only thing you can really do with gin is drink it, though I didn’t learn that lesson watching Top Chef but rather on Delish.com.

And on that note, there’s a gin and garlic salt and tonic waiting for me.

Go Ahead, Laugh At My Tinfoil Hat

October 2, 2009

On the Twitter, Google Wave, Wave, or #Wave have been trending for a couple of days now.  Some people are panicked that they haven’t received their Wave invite yet.  Someone mentions they have invites, and they’re inundated with requests for people – early adopters – eager to sign up and join the elite class of those already who’ve already joined.  And all this for a product, as the Streko pointed out, will be available in a month.

All this for a product that will allow Google to even more easily grab our data, use it against us, establish a one world government that will then be taken for robots who will turn us into batteries ala the Matrix.

Or, perhaps they will find a way to fight the robots back, but the “Dont’ Be Evil” bunch will ban all nuclear warheads (since it’s a one world government after all), but we’ll find outselves fighting an alien invasion and unable to take down the mothership with conventional weapons.  Then we’ll be enslaved by our alien overlords, harvesting water, aluminum and plutonium for them.  And no, the ladies’ costumes will look nothing like the slave girl garb Jabba the Hut had Princess Leia wear. They will make an effort to make them unflattering, like some mumus with lace doilies around the collar (for dress up occasions!)  from the Walmart or one of those old people’s catalogs that sell “personal massagers” that are really vibrators and it makes you snigger then grosses you out when you see one of them on your grandma’s nightstand when you go to raid her jewelry box for beer money (which serves your right, you thieving little prick!).  There really is no bright spot, except for the unemployment rate will finally be at 0%.  The only other thing I could see them doing is herding us all up like cattle, breeding and eating us.  Which would be a little awkward if our new alien masters looked like cows.

All I’m saying is this:  Just like you can’t unknow that your grandparents are “doing it” (think about this – retirement homes are like old people orgy centers, seriously), once you hand over all your data to our new overlords, there’s no getting it back.

And yes, I use and love my Gmail.

This Is As Inspirational As I Get

October 1, 2009

So, if you can’t tell by the frequent updating I’ve been doing lately (that was supposed to be sarcastic) I’ve been in a little funk.  And the fact I’m using the word funk, which represents quite possibly the third worst kind of music (preceeded by disco and whatever jazz they play where it’s a bunch of assholes playing a bunch of random shit) indicates as much.  But enough about the kind of music I hate (there really is quite a bit).  Jayzus I use parenthesis a lot (surprise surprise!).

Anyways, earlier today I was chatting with none other than the Mr. Syzlak about getting us potentitally getting our shit together and kicking a little ass.  Or something like that.  Basically, since I’ve been laid off, I’ve been looking around and wondering what the fuck I’m doing and what I should be doing.  It’s been about everything from whether I should take a shower today (vote was no) to what to do about the Hackmobile (still for sale – call me!).  And then great sage sent me one of those inspirational blog posts where in the comments everybody says cheery shit like “Here here!” and crap like that.  But the blog post was spot on, and got me to thinking of the philosophy I’ve been pondering since I heard some jerk on the TV say it a month or two ago – “we all need to just learn to be happy with what we have, man!”

Why not be happy with what I have?  Why shouldn’t Syzlak be happy with whatever he has (enter your own venereal disease joke here)?  Why can’t we all just be happy with what we have?

As I left my conversation with Mr. Syzlak to investigate the shower dilemma further, I realized that the reason I, or Syzlak, or whoever else seem to be unsatisified with their lot isn’t hapy with whatever it is we have is because that philosophy is total fucking bullshit.  It’s just a bunch of New Age, feel good hippie bullshit to make you okay with the fact all you did all day was smoke a bunch of dope and watch Dora the Explorer.  You might have watched Spongebob or Star Trek, but you couldn’t get your lazy ass off the couch to find the remote. But that’s okay, because you’re happy with what you have, even if it some annoying little bitch and a monkey.

And I almost fell for it.

If our ancestors were just happy with what they had, we’d all be sitting around in a fucking cave somewhere picking scabies and fleas off each other.  There’d be no porn, no booze, no cars or any of the other shit that makes living today in this day and age fucking awesome.  We’d all be sober, walking everywhere and wishing to see some random boobs while wondering if there is a faster way to quickly cook some fucking popcorn while simultaneously making our whole friggin’ house stink.  It wouldn’t matter that amps didn’t go to 11 because there’d be no amps to crank and piss off the neighbors.  We’d all be content that our cars are quiet and ride at factory height. There’d be no Shakespeare, no Beethoven and no Ziggy.  Or even Ziggy with nipple on his nose, because everyone would be happy with regular old Ziggy.

And forget about bacon.

Screw being happy with what you have.  Strive to have better.  Work your ass off to get what you want, not just what you need and what you’d be content with.  There’s nothing wrong wanting more, wanting better, or hell, just wanting.  If no one wanted anything, we’d all be out of a job.  Well, I’m already out of a job, but you know what I’m getting at.

So, do what that one blog post says – get busy living or get busy dying.  And if you’re happy with what you have, fine.  But don’t let some asshole convince you that you need to be content or happy with whatever it is you have when you’re not.  While that jackass might not be trying to sell you anything, he’s wrong.  There’s not a damn thing wrong with wanting better.

Christ, I sound like a friggin’ motivational speaker or something.

iPhone + Twitterific = Me Fucking Annoyed

August 24, 2009

It’s bad enough that I got traffic the other day for the phrase “tweet cred”.  But then I see that I also got traffic from something called “Twitterific”.  And where was the source of this Twitterific traffic?  A goddammed iPhone.

Lookit, I realize that cutesy Twitter-related words and phrases are here to say.  As sick as it makes me, as much as it makes me want to pick up my laptop and gouge my eyes out, as much as it makes want to make up another nonsense phrase to illustrate my rage, I’m realizing I’m in the minority here.  But the double whammy of a friggin’ iPhone and cutesy Twitter phrase illustrated by a page?  This is too fucking much.

Go ahead and rub it in my face that you have an iPhone and I don’t.  It’s fine, really.  Go ahead and annoy the holy fucking hell out of me with cutesy Twitter phrases.  I’m getting numb to it.  But please, for all that is good in this world, don’t hit me with both.

Vinnie Penn Is An Idiot and Top Chef Is Still AWESOME

August 21, 2009

Alright, so it turns out I’m more interested in the TV these days than search marketing, but I’ve made me peace with that.  But what I’m not at peace with is Vinnie Penn’s idiotic article about Top Chef.  If you want to know what it’s about, go ahead and read the damn thing.  Basically, it was MSN’s weak ass attempt to have something on their homepage about a very popular show.  Okay, fine.  I mean, it got my dumb ass to click on it and read it.  So it worked.  But here’s my bitches in no specific order.

But the article itself is bullshit.  Seriously.  First off, he’s comparing a TV show to a friggin’ network.  Now, maybe it’s because I don’t watch TV professionally, but I’m pretty sure a single TV series about chefs in a competition is a little more limited in what it shows, than say, A WHOLE FUCKING TELEVISION NETWORK DEVOTED TO FOOD.  But what do I know.

Then this Vinnie-guy has this “New York is the center of the universe how dare they have a food show in a low-rent place like Vegas” attitude.  They had the show in fucking Miami.  My point?  Who cares where the hell it is or if there’s a “food scene”.  Does Miami really have a food scene?  Really?  There’s a signature Miami food that’s only good in Miami?  If having a fucking signature dish in a city is what’s important, then I’m sure friggin’ Top Chef Philadelphia will make Mr. Penn happy. Or not because it’s not in friggin’ NYC.  At least he conceeded Chicago has good food.

So what else pissed me off?  This whole “as opposed to the ones where I can ogle at the presentation and sometimes even the presenter (Giada De Laurentiis anyone?)” quote.  Seriously?  This guy blind?  On Top Chef you not only have the lovely Padma Lakshmi and Gail Simmons.  Now, if you know how to count, that’s TWO hot ladies in ONE show, versus one gal of questionable attractiveness in one show.  It’s just simple math.

The final irritant is the whole Tom Colicchio versus Bobby Flay and Next Food Network Star.  First off, Colicchio is fucking awesome.  Flay is alright, he’s tolerable, but he’s no Colicchio.  Besides, I’m prNFNS hasn’t been around nearly as long, feels like it’s trying to be Top Chef knock off (kinda’ like The Fashion Show being a knock off for Project Runway) and it has a parade of hosts/judges.  Last year it was that one guy from Good Eats.  Who knows who it will be next year.  And maybe that was the first season this guy Vinnie Penn watch Next Food Network Star.  And if it was, then he’s talking out is ass a little.  Which if fine, ‘cuz I do that quite a bit.

While I think the article is generally crap, there is one point I have to agree with Penn on.  Toby Young kinda’ sucks.  Not kinda’, he does.  He brings nothing to the table. He has the personality of shoe leather.  He’s as funny as herpes.  He has no cooking merit.  If they wanted an asshole who’s never worked in a kitchen to sit there and “snarky” (and by snarky I mean not funny, just trying to be mean) comments, then they should’ve hired me.

So, here’s the take away.  Vinnie Penn’s article is dumb. If it had been about how lame Toby Young is, I’d have been on board.  But Giada is no Padma or Gail, Colicchio is fucking awesome, Top Chef is still good, NFNS is kinda’ lame and because Vinnie Penn wrote this dumb article, I think he’s dumb.  More directly, I think he’s an idiot (though he probably think I’m a prick, so fair is fair).

Twelpforce? Best Buy, You Really DO Want Me To Hate You.

July 29, 2009

I was just sitting here on my ass, halfway watching the TV and contemplating on whether or not to switch to a gin and tonic, a maitai or stick with the beer when I saw some young gal standing in front of a stadium of blue clad people.  Always intrigued by cults, I paid attention.  And then she asked about cell phones and then cult was yelling at her about having plans and then something about the future . . .  and then I saw they were running their fucking Twitter page – calling it Twelpforce.

For fuck’s sake.

Few things make me want to climb a clock tower and start picking off people wearing blue polo shirts than the insistence of people on the Twitter cutesying the fucking vernacular up by adding fucking “tw” to every noun, verb, pronoun, adjective and adverb.  Yes, part of that last sentence would have read ” . . . tweeple on the Twitter twutesying the twucking twernacular .  . .”.    Pretty fucking annoying, huh?

But nothing takes the cake like a bunch of assholes from some corporate office (I’m looking at you, Best Buy!) jumping in on the act.  I can just see their fucking boardroom now:

Biff:  Hey, this Twitter thing seems popular with the youngsters! How do we take advantage of this?

Sven:  Well, Biff, we’re getting ready for a new push on our cell phone plans.  And people on Twitter, or, catch this – Tweeple! – will follow anything! Especially if it’s on television!  We can advertise our cell phone plans on TV, talk about us “helping” them with other home tech questions, and get these cwazy Tweeple to follow it and have an avenue for annoying the holy piss out of them only the way a mindless, bandwagon jumping corporation can!  And to give it the air of being useful, and getting us some “tweet cred” with the tweeples, we could call it “Twelpforce”! Get it? Twelpforce instead of Help Force?  Because it’s on Twitter!

Biff:  Great idea! Let’s get our best “tweeple”, heheheh, on it!  I’ll start getting our creative team on the television ad!

Sven:  Biff, don’t you mean “twelevision”?  Get it? Twelevision!

Biff:   Oh, Sven! You card!

And then these two assholes go off to the strip club to sniff a little cocaine and get lapdances, which somehow ends up with them in a hotel room together and some very embarrassing photos making it back to their wives.  But I digress.  Nothing makes a company look like a gigantic jackass than taking a ham-handed approach to appealing to a core audience of a specific outlet.  Sure, it makes sense for them to get Geek Squad involved in this and developing their core brand a little further.  And yeah, I can see how seeing other companies do a good job of utilizing the Twitter for building their brand and reaching out to their customer base would appeal to a company like Best Buy, especially if  you consider Best Buy has a spotty customer service reputation at best.  And it certainly makes sense that a gadget retailer would try to reach out to early adopters, though, to do that they should have been on the Twitter two years ago.

Jumping in now, with a fucking “cute” name just smacks of douchebaggery.  While I’m sure they’ll get plenty of people following them, which will make them the perfect fodder for other Best Buy marketing messages, I have a feeling this isn’t going to have the desired effect they intended.  It just seems like it’s too little, too late, too obnoxiously.  But what the hell do I know?  They already have over 4,000 followers.

Tonight I Was Thinking . . . .

July 28, 2009

About how I wish I were Mexican.  Not because I love Mexico or Mexicans necessarily, but mostly because then I might have been given a fucking cool name, like Guillermo del Toro.  Though honestly, as cool of a last name “del Toro” is (and is it waaaay fucking cool!), I’d be happy with Guillermo for a first name.  There’s not a lot of Guillermos around, or at least not around here.  And if someone said my name without rolling the “r”, I’d totally be that jackass that corrects them.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know Guillermo del Toro is Spanish.  But face it, Spaniards are just fancy Mexicans just like Englishmen are just fancy Americans.  I know all you Spaniards and Englishpeople (that isn’t a word, is it?) are probably pretty apalled by that, but it’s the truth.  We’re just the lowbrow version of you people.

And that’s okay.

Amazon Buys Zappos Blah Blah Blah

July 23, 2009

Yes, I realize I totally renegged on my “I’m going to start posting again, honest!” thing.  So, I was wrong.  But anyways, yesterday, unless you were passed out drunk under a tree and getting a nasty sunburn because the sun fucking moved (yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the earth revolves around the sun, not the sun revolves around the earth – save the fucking lecture, Professor), you probably didn’t find out about it until last night.  Which means you missed out on all the commenting and arm-chair CEO-ing that comes along with bullshit like that.

So anyways, it totally makes sense why Amazon would buy Zappos.  “What?!?!? They were a bookseller! They have no business selling shoes (or any of the other shit they sell on amazon.com for that matter)!  Why the hell do you think they should get in the shoe business, you ignorant, unemployed asshole?”  you may be thinking.  And hey, just because I’m unemployed, and maybe ignorant, and probably an asshole doesn’t mean I can’t do some half-assed business analysis a day late and after everyone has quit talking about.  Don’t tell me how to blog, MOM!

So yeah, it makes sense.  Think about it.  With the economy in the shitter, everyone is broke-ass like me.  But perhaps not as good looking.  Anyways, with everybody being broke, who the hell has money for downloading MP3s or buying CDs?  And books?  To hell with buying a book.  All these cheap asses are going to the library now or standing in the aisles at the Walmart reading shit. On top of that, who the hell has money for broadband?  You ever try buying shit or, worse yet, downloading anything over dial-up?  Exactly.  You might as well get a blanket and start a fire.

By now you’re thinking, “Okay, Mr. Shitty Logic, what makes you think people have money for shoes then?  No wonder you’re unemployable, you fucking moron.”  Ah ha, but that’s where it makes sense.  Poor people still need shoes.  And where are they going to get shoes if they have no money and no interweb?  By stealing them from rich people.  And where are rich people going to get their shoes?  They’re going to fire up the internet, go to Zappos.com and start avoiding the library where fucking poor people steal their shoes.  It’s called the circle of life, bitches.

So there you have it.  In a bizarre form of trickle down economics, it makes total sense for Amazon to buy a shoe reseller than say, develop an eBook reader that’s the size of a fucking laptop with none of the funtionality.