Archive for the ‘SEO’ Category

Top Chef + Delish.com = SEO Blog Serendipity, Bitches!

October 7, 2009

That’s right!

They actually featured a website, used the word “keyword” and did some other crap which means I can actually post a legitimate, SEO-related something or other about Top Chef and it will be half-assed relevant!  Which is great, ‘cuz rarely do I do anything full assed.

So anyways, from a search marketing point of view, it makes a lot of sense for Delish.com to have their site pimped by Top Chef.  I mean, hell, I didn’t remember the name of the site (again, shut the fuck up, Dad!) but was able to go the interweb and find it by doing this awesome search for “top chef recipe website from quickfire challenge”.  And I found the friggin’ site! You know why?  That’s right. SEO.  And can you imagine how much traffic they got from people who weren’t dumb assholes like me that actually could remember the name of that site (because they weren’t getting yelled at for not having a friggin’  job) or even knew that Delish.com existed?  I know, right!  That’s a lot of traffic.  And now if Bravo would quit being a bunch of stingy bitches and link out to that shit from their TV listings, I might not of had to use the Google at all.  Just sayin’, quit being a bunch of tight asses, Bravo.  It’s a real for real website.  I even used the son of a bitch to find a recipe for the only ingredients I had on-hand: gin, honey nut Cheerios and garlic salt (turns out they only recommend drinking the gin. Go figure.).

So, what lessons have we gleaned from tonight’s episode of Top Chef?  Well, first off, if you have a website about food and junk this might be a good offline avenue for getting online traffic.  Second, Bravo won’t link to your site even if they feature it on the friggin’ episode.   Third, Eli is punk ass who totally let Ashley go home for his shitty idea.  Fourth, sometimes it pays to be Picasso’s paint brush cleaner (really, dude, you were gushing) than on a team with Eli, who is a punk ass bitch who let you hang for his shitty dish idea.  Fifth, I hate Eli right now and will beat his punk ass down if I ever see him, so he’s pretty much safe unless my old man falls asleep before I do and I take his wallet and car keys.  And that piece of shit starts (who knew the Yugoslavians weren’t so good at building cars?).  Sixth, the only thing you can really do with gin is drink it, though I didn’t learn that lesson watching Top Chef but rather on Delish.com.

And on that note, there’s a gin and garlic salt and tonic waiting for me.

Go Ahead, Laugh At My Tinfoil Hat

October 2, 2009

On the Twitter, Google Wave, Wave, or #Wave have been trending for a couple of days now.  Some people are panicked that they haven’t received their Wave invite yet.  Someone mentions they have invites, and they’re inundated with requests for people – early adopters – eager to sign up and join the elite class of those already who’ve already joined.  And all this for a product, as the Streko pointed out, will be available in a month.

All this for a product that will allow Google to even more easily grab our data, use it against us, establish a one world government that will then be taken for robots who will turn us into batteries ala the Matrix.

Or, perhaps they will find a way to fight the robots back, but the “Dont’ Be Evil” bunch will ban all nuclear warheads (since it’s a one world government after all), but we’ll find outselves fighting an alien invasion and unable to take down the mothership with conventional weapons.  Then we’ll be enslaved by our alien overlords, harvesting water, aluminum and plutonium for them.  And no, the ladies’ costumes will look nothing like the slave girl garb Jabba the Hut had Princess Leia wear. They will make an effort to make them unflattering, like some mumus with lace doilies around the collar (for dress up occasions!)  from the Walmart or one of those old people’s catalogs that sell “personal massagers” that are really vibrators and it makes you snigger then grosses you out when you see one of them on your grandma’s nightstand when you go to raid her jewelry box for beer money (which serves your right, you thieving little prick!).  There really is no bright spot, except for the unemployment rate will finally be at 0%.  The only other thing I could see them doing is herding us all up like cattle, breeding and eating us.  Which would be a little awkward if our new alien masters looked like cows.

All I’m saying is this:  Just like you can’t unknow that your grandparents are “doing it” (think about this – retirement homes are like old people orgy centers, seriously), once you hand over all your data to our new overlords, there’s no getting it back.

And yes, I use and love my Gmail.

iPhone + Twitterific = Me Fucking Annoyed

August 24, 2009

It’s bad enough that I got traffic the other day for the phrase “tweet cred”.  But then I see that I also got traffic from something called “Twitterific”.  And where was the source of this Twitterific traffic?  A goddammed iPhone.

Lookit, I realize that cutesy Twitter-related words and phrases are here to say.  As sick as it makes me, as much as it makes me want to pick up my laptop and gouge my eyes out, as much as it makes want to make up another nonsense phrase to illustrate my rage, I’m realizing I’m in the minority here.  But the double whammy of a friggin’ iPhone and cutesy Twitter phrase illustrated by a page?  This is too fucking much.

Go ahead and rub it in my face that you have an iPhone and I don’t.  It’s fine, really.  Go ahead and annoy the holy fucking hell out of me with cutesy Twitter phrases.  I’m getting numb to it.  But please, for all that is good in this world, don’t hit me with both.

Twelpforce? Best Buy, You Really DO Want Me To Hate You.

July 29, 2009

I was just sitting here on my ass, halfway watching the TV and contemplating on whether or not to switch to a gin and tonic, a maitai or stick with the beer when I saw some young gal standing in front of a stadium of blue clad people.  Always intrigued by cults, I paid attention.  And then she asked about cell phones and then cult was yelling at her about having plans and then something about the future . . .  and then I saw they were running their fucking Twitter page – calling it Twelpforce.

For fuck’s sake.

Few things make me want to climb a clock tower and start picking off people wearing blue polo shirts than the insistence of people on the Twitter cutesying the fucking vernacular up by adding fucking “tw” to every noun, verb, pronoun, adjective and adverb.  Yes, part of that last sentence would have read ” . . . tweeple on the Twitter twutesying the twucking twernacular .  . .”.    Pretty fucking annoying, huh?

But nothing takes the cake like a bunch of assholes from some corporate office (I’m looking at you, Best Buy!) jumping in on the act.  I can just see their fucking boardroom now:

Biff:  Hey, this Twitter thing seems popular with the youngsters! How do we take advantage of this?

Sven:  Well, Biff, we’re getting ready for a new push on our cell phone plans.  And people on Twitter, or, catch this – Tweeple! – will follow anything! Especially if it’s on television!  We can advertise our cell phone plans on TV, talk about us “helping” them with other home tech questions, and get these cwazy Tweeple to follow it and have an avenue for annoying the holy piss out of them only the way a mindless, bandwagon jumping corporation can!  And to give it the air of being useful, and getting us some “tweet cred” with the tweeples, we could call it “Twelpforce”! Get it? Twelpforce instead of Help Force?  Because it’s on Twitter!

Biff:  Great idea! Let’s get our best “tweeple”, heheheh, on it!  I’ll start getting our creative team on the television ad!

Sven:  Biff, don’t you mean “twelevision”?  Get it? Twelevision!

Biff:   Oh, Sven! You card!

And then these two assholes go off to the strip club to sniff a little cocaine and get lapdances, which somehow ends up with them in a hotel room together and some very embarrassing photos making it back to their wives.  But I digress.  Nothing makes a company look like a gigantic jackass than taking a ham-handed approach to appealing to a core audience of a specific outlet.  Sure, it makes sense for them to get Geek Squad involved in this and developing their core brand a little further.  And yeah, I can see how seeing other companies do a good job of utilizing the Twitter for building their brand and reaching out to their customer base would appeal to a company like Best Buy, especially if  you consider Best Buy has a spotty customer service reputation at best.  And it certainly makes sense that a gadget retailer would try to reach out to early adopters, though, to do that they should have been on the Twitter two years ago.

Jumping in now, with a fucking “cute” name just smacks of douchebaggery.  While I’m sure they’ll get plenty of people following them, which will make them the perfect fodder for other Best Buy marketing messages, I have a feeling this isn’t going to have the desired effect they intended.  It just seems like it’s too little, too late, too obnoxiously.  But what the hell do I know?  They already have over 4,000 followers.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

June 5, 2009

What a week, huh?  GM files Chapter 11, California is down to its last dime (perfect time for someone to take over a government! Anyone game?) and it looks like David Carradine may have accidentally hung himself doing something he probably didn’t want all of us to know he was into.  Though, there is some good news.  Now that SMX Advanced is over, we can go back to looking at our Twitter feeds without seeing half a dozen twats about what we’re missing every five minutes.

So anyways, when I was putting this together, I was thinking, “Man, this may be the best one yet! Maybe this will be the ticket to regaining the respect of my colleagues.  Maybe I’ll get that coveted fifth reader!”  Then I finished it up and realized that it’s not only not as good as I had hoped, it’s pretty bad.  Like, I might be back to two readers.  I actually put effort into finding and noting stuff all week too and all it got me was this shitty post.  Oh well.  Either way, it was an educational week.

1.  It looks like Obama is going to fix the economny after all.

2.  The Excalibur needs to do a better job of keeping their employees busy.  The only thing sadder than robbing a store for smokes with a sword is using your mom’s Altima for a getaway car.

3.  Who needs Congress when you can leverage ICANN to fuck over the little guy?  Even if you stand to gain from some bullshit like that, you have to admit it’s bullshit.  This is why you should never trust groups of people.

4.  Can white women and black women get along?  Let’s find out with two bikini-clad contestants in a pit of Jell-O or mud!  No?  Panties and a pillow fight?  Ask a stupid-ass question, get a sexist answer.

5.  If California passed a stupid tax, they might actually get over their budget deficit.  What’s even more amazing, one of these stupid assholes actually not only graduated from law school but also passed the fucking Bar exam.  What the hell? Thanks for uncovering this dietary advice, Mr. Pilatowski!

6.  Few things make me laugh and smile as much as the thought of a cat shitting in a toilet.  I’d like to say that the video cracked me up, but thanks to my fucking awesome connectivity from Hughesnet I gave up after waiting ten fucking minutes for the fucking thing to fucking load.  Oh my god I need a fucking drink.  So tell me, did he sit there with a little magazine or newspaper like we do?  Just curious, because, you know, the whole Hughesnet thing and not being able to see that what I am to assume is a fucking awesome video of a cat shitting in a toilet.  Really, my dreams are simple dreams.

7.  A brothel in Nevada is actually creating jobs.   I know a lot of people are syaing this won’t pencil out because of the “needs of a woman”, but to all those naysayers, I disagree.  Men are willing to pay sex.   Imagine how little you’d have to pay them to work in a brothel.  Hell, give them a logo T-shirt and a free dinner at Sizzler and you’d still be turning away applicants.  This will work.

Alright, time to find some pants to wear to the Wal-Mart.  Apparently they’re getting all fancy and junk and are going to require such things now.  Fucking rich people ruin everything.

The Thing About Bing

June 4, 2009

Pretty clever title, eh?  It has a nice cadence and it rhymes!  Lookit’ that!  Really, that’s a pretty awesome title.  Okay, maybe not so much.  But anyways . . . .

So, Microsoft comes out with a new search engine and it seems at first everybody panned it and now some people are saying, “you know, this isn’t such a turd after all.”  But here’s the thing.  This could be the best search engine in the world.  It could be that “Google-slayer” that people have been yammering about for the last seven or eight years.  Yeah, it could be the best fucking thing in the world.   Doesn’t matter.  Much like Lenny petting a rabbit, Microsoft will totally fuck Bing up.  Hell, you could even say they already fucked it up with that dumb-ass name.  Really?  Bing?  That’s the best they could come up with.  What are they gonna’ name their mobile version – BinGo?  And that’s why this thing is friggin’ DOA.  It’s got a stupid ass name.  And yeah, I realize it’s all Beta-y and junk, but they really should have updated their fucking index for it before spinning this thing live.  Or, screw 301s and take up their SERP space.

Didn’t they just launch “Live” last year?  I’m just sayin’, rolling out a new search engine every other month looks like a desperate plea to show you’re relevant.  So, I guess if you don’t like Bing, just wait a year and the big brains at Microsoft will roll out another craptastic search engine and we’ll get to see the Ballmer-boogie again.

That Motherfucker Ain’t Me!!!

May 27, 2009

Alright, so it looks like it’s time to clear the air a little.

So, here’s how it went down.  MilwaukeeSEO (despite the fact I’ve drank a bit of Beast Ice, I still can’t spell fucking Milwaukee to save my ass) wrote a post on April 21st about how maybe we’re all getting dumber thanks to all this social media bullshit or something, and then on May 7th I, posing as “Your Neighbor”, made a pretty asshole comment back to Mr. MilwaukeeSEO.

Yeah, I’m an asshole and have left asshole comments before.  But that wasn’t me.  Not even fucking close.  I saw that @milwaukeeseo mentioned me on the Twitter in a  twat and ran to the post all excited and junk because I’d been mentioned.  Yes, my depressed, unemployed ass still feeds off any scrap of attention I can get from this thing like a junkie rat licking syringes in the methadone clinic’s dumpster.  The fucking interweb will do that to you.  But anyways, this isn’t about how pathetic I am, but more about how much of an asshole I wasn’t being on May 7th.  I digress.

Anyways, that motherfucker isn’t me.  And to make my point, here’s 7 Tell-Tale Signs That Fucking Bastard “Your Neighbor” Isn’t SEO Hack:

1. I totally would have used “SEO Hack” and not “Your Neighbor” in the hopes that the link would have been not nofollowed (look – I used a double negative!).  And yeah, now I know it’s nofollowed, but honestly, I would have been too friggin’ lazy to check that out when commenting.

2.  “Your a pathetic little dick . . . ” would have been “You’re a pathetic little dick . . .”.  Yeah, I’m lazy, but I know when to fucking use “you’re” and “your”.  We learned that shit in the third grade.

3.  The phrases “pathetic little dick”, “you’ll cower”, “spineless worm”, “you little shit” and “bitch” are totally words a dominatrix would use.  I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.

4.  The word “fucking” is only used once.  We all know I prefer to use the word “fuck” and it’s variations as an adjective as well as an adverb, a verb, a noun and part of a noun.

5.  I don’t know what time that comment was left, but chances are if it was in the evening I was watching “The Fashion Show”, which is fucking horrible.  I mean, c’mon Bravo!!! Weinstein fucks all you all over and the best you can do is find a bunch of fucking egomaniacs with horrible design sense and the personalities of shit sandwiches that can’t fucking sew?!?!?  Really?  That’s going to make me forget about Tim and Heidi?  That one fucker who made that horrible rain coat last season that got booted off right off the bat is better than those hacks!  Except for James Paul.  That poor bastard should have been on Project Runway.  I bet he’s ESL and thought he was on Project Runway until he saw Isaac and Ms. Rowland (and Kelly may be the only bright spot on this turd).  And don’t get me started on this bullshit maneuver that got Project Runway moved to Lifetime.  Hurray, it’s not all man-killer movies anymore.  But that still doesn’t mean Project Runway is a good fit (and I’m still pissed at them for swapping Will & Grace for the Golden Girls after Frasier).

6.  Someone who runs an amateur hour blog wouldn’t dare call another blog “amateur hour”.  Something about rocks and glass houses and junk.  Plus, since my life now revolved around tricking the unemployment office into giving me checks, who am I to tell someone to get a life?  I might be an asshole, but I know my place!

7.  The fucking post is 100% spot on and even a dumb motherfucker like me can see that.  And if you read my AWESOME body of work, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to see that.

Now, it’s easy to see why someone would want to pretend to be someone as awesome as me.  But at the same time, if you’re gonna’ make me look like a fucking asshole, at least have the goddammed courtesy to do it right.

Thanks.

It’s A Milestone, Really.

May 20, 2009

I never thought I’d see the day, and I can’t tell you where it ranked, which page it was or how far down in the SERPs the poor bastard had to go to find it, but, this site, this Den of Awesomeness as I like to call it, was found for a one-word search phrase.  A very competitive one at that – “fuck”.

That’s right bitches! Fuck! I was found for it! It’s almost as good as being the second worst blog of all time.

Oh – this place was also somehow found for “Maine porn”.  Don’t know why, don’t know how, and don’t know that I really want to know.  In a way, when you think about it, it’s almost as disturbing as “pikachu porn”.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

May 15, 2009

Holy shit.  My password actually friggin’ worked.  Who knew?  It’s like you know when you’re sitting there on the shitter, reading MAD, doing your thing and all of sudden you remember the fucking quadratic equation that you forgot and because of it flunked your advanced algebra class back in high school?  I imagine it’s something like that.

So, anyways, since the password worked and TV has been boring (yes, even Wife Swap can get old on the fifth go round on the entire fucking series), I thought, hey, I think I’ll start spending more time on teh interwebz.  You can cut my unemployment benefits, but you’ll never be able to cut my thirst for freaky-ass internet porn, Mr. Government Man!  Anyways, as such, I gleaned some shit on my travails.  And as always, if anyone happens to accidentally stumble across this, you’re gonna’ be really fucking irritated at this.  I mean, seriously.  It’s been what, six months?  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

1.  I may not actually be the most annoying fucker in social media.  Who knew, right?  Though, I guess you have to be social to be a part of social media and spending my time watching the ladies of Wife Swap annoy the holy fuck out of the families they try to take over and licking Cheeto dust off my fingers isn’t being social.  But hey, score one for the Hack!

2.  Some families are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fucked up than mine.   Thank god my mom didn’t knit.

3.  Apparently, in some sort of bizarro world, there’s a list of the sexiest minds in new media that magically does not have Comrade Melanie or Ms. Rebecca Kelly on it.  Yeah, I know!

4.  It’s a miracle Australia isn’t going broke.   C’mon, Australia, it’s fucking FROG.

5.  Only the Japanese know how to make a woman’s biological clock sexy.  That, or I have some sort of deep seated fetish I am totally unaware of.

6.  A REAL man (not so chick who became a quasi-dude who then became a part chick) gave birth! Yes, follow that link and you’re going to be as totally fucking underwhelmed as I was.  Damn you, FOX news!

7.  Criss Angel is not only a total fucking douchebag, he’s also a total fucking asshole. Give the guy his fucking cat back.

That wasn’t so bad.

Hack, You’re Still An Asshole

April 3, 2009

So, of the three of you who still stop by to see whether or not I’ve been arrested or have permanently taken up panhandling, you might be thinking, “Hey, you out of work degenerate! Where’s those fucking posts you promised us, you jerk?”  Well, really I’ve been busy! Really!  Did you know that unemployment is damn near like having a job?  It’s a real pain in the ass!  And here I thought it be all PBR and Wife Swap all day every day.  Oh, but oh hell no.  They actually make you look for a job and shit.  They’re all, “Did you look for work?” and I’m all, “Maybe . . . ” and they’re all, “Well, you better have been or you ain’t gonna’ get your check, you lazy fucking slob!” And I’m all, “Mom, just get me a Pepsi.  Please! All I want is a Pepsi!”  And so on and so forth.

As it turns out, the closest job they can find for me for SEO and search marketing is janitorial related.  Go figure.

But, I promize to try to get something, ‘cuz I actually learned some shit this week.  Really, I did.  On the interweb even.  It’s a crazy fucking thing, itinit?