Archive for July 23rd, 2009

Amazon Buys Zappos Blah Blah Blah

July 23, 2009

Yes, I realize I totally renegged on my “I’m going to start posting again, honest!” thing.  So, I was wrong.  But anyways, yesterday, unless you were passed out drunk under a tree and getting a nasty sunburn because the sun fucking moved (yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the earth revolves around the sun, not the sun revolves around the earth – save the fucking lecture, Professor), you probably didn’t find out about it until last night.  Which means you missed out on all the commenting and arm-chair CEO-ing that comes along with bullshit like that.

So anyways, it totally makes sense why Amazon would buy Zappos.  “What?!?!? They were a bookseller! They have no business selling shoes (or any of the other shit they sell on for that matter)!  Why the hell do you think they should get in the shoe business, you ignorant, unemployed asshole?”  you may be thinking.  And hey, just because I’m unemployed, and maybe ignorant, and probably an asshole doesn’t mean I can’t do some half-assed business analysis a day late and after everyone has quit talking about.  Don’t tell me how to blog, MOM!

So yeah, it makes sense.  Think about it.  With the economy in the shitter, everyone is broke-ass like me.  But perhaps not as good looking.  Anyways, with everybody being broke, who the hell has money for downloading MP3s or buying CDs?  And books?  To hell with buying a book.  All these cheap asses are going to the library now or standing in the aisles at the Walmart reading shit. On top of that, who the hell has money for broadband?  You ever try buying shit or, worse yet, downloading anything over dial-up?  Exactly.  You might as well get a blanket and start a fire.

By now you’re thinking, “Okay, Mr. Shitty Logic, what makes you think people have money for shoes then?  No wonder you’re unemployable, you fucking moron.”  Ah ha, but that’s where it makes sense.  Poor people still need shoes.  And where are they going to get shoes if they have no money and no interweb?  By stealing them from rich people.  And where are rich people going to get their shoes?  They’re going to fire up the internet, go to and start avoiding the library where fucking poor people steal their shoes.  It’s called the circle of life, bitches.

So there you have it.  In a bizarre form of trickle down economics, it makes total sense for Amazon to buy a shoe reseller than say, develop an eBook reader that’s the size of a fucking laptop with none of the funtionality.