Archive for June 24th, 2009

Perez Hilton Got Andy Dick’d

June 24, 2009

So, here’s the thing. We all know people on the interweb are assholes. It’s just the way it is. Fuck it or fight it, at the end of the day, this little barrier of silica and wire and a bunch of other shit I really don’t understand makes it so the assholes will remain, well, assholish. It’s the way it is. That’s why a monkey will fling shit at you when you go to the zoo. Monkeys are naturally assholes, and putting them in a cage makes them act like bigger assholes. Put a barrier in the mix, and well, you got shit all over your new shirt and junior is going to have seek counseling. It’s sixth grade science, really.  But this isn’t about monkeys flinging shit, er, well, I guess it kind of is. Anyways, this is about what happens when you fling shit and that magical barrier is gone.

Now, I admit, while I’m jealous of Perez Hilton’s anhiliating anhialating annhialating kicking the holy shit out of me for the worst blog of all time, but that has nothing to do with this.  Hell, I didn’t even know who the fuck is or was until Syzlak explained it to me, and even then I was still friggin’ lost.  Apparently, he got the president elected or something with either MySpace or the YouTube, though if it were the Hulu that’d totally make sense since I’m boycotting them because I hate their fucking ads so much.  I mean, c’mon – some kid in ad school win a contest or something?  Those ads actually make me violent.  Violent enough that if Perez Hilton had been talking shit about Syzlak or Ms. Rebecca Kelley or Comrade Melanie, I would have Lovitzed his ass too.

Which is the point of this.  Did he deserve to get his punk ass whooped?  That’s up for debate.  I mean, he did start acting like a dick to, in real life, and somebody jumped in.  But, kicking the shit out of people is against the law, regardless of how much of a prick they’re being to you.  The real lesson here is if you’re gonna’ act like an asshole on the internet, someday somebody may want to kick the shit out of you.  And when you go out into the real world and act like an asshole, no one gives a shit that Miley Cyrus is your amiga (really?  That’s not the punchline to a joke?  Hey – lookit that! A pun!) and you will likely get the shit beat out of you.  And it will take an hour for the police to arrive.  And people will snigger at the picture of you crying.  Or at least I probably will.