SEO Hack Gets Canned. Vanessa Fox Eats a Salad. Life Goes On.

Before getting into this post, I recommend hitting play on the YouTube thingy so there’s some music to go with this post. After all, I did declare it official song of the search industry, and I think it’s fitting for this post. Thanks.

So, I guess this it. I’m a bit surprised, though I guess it was inevitable. I thought all this would have went down in a fire of lawsuits and accusations with a hail of f-bombs. But we’ve had some good times, right? Right? I mean, there was that one time that, er, well, so I don’t have a highlights reel. Maybe there weren’t so many good times. I know I’m still proud of my commentary on black and white dog films of yore. But anyways.

I don’t know if there are any rumors or any speculation out there; I sincerely doubt there is. I mean, there’s only like five people who read this thing, and I know for fact all five of you have better shit to do than wonder what I’m doing or have been doing or may be doing. I’d love to tell you I’ve been raising a militia to go and take over Alberta and Texas by force and that’s why I’m leaving, but it’d be a lie. Er, actually, that’s what I’m doing. I’m invading Alberta and Texas. Has nothing to do with the compromising of my deniability and it sucking the joy out of doing this because at my core I’m a paranoid motherfucker. Nor does it have anything to do with the economy, which is GREAT for SEO (or so I’m about to find out!). At any rate, I might not be around much, as, you know, I’m trying to gather arms and personnel or something.  Alberta is great for oil and wheat, but Texas has access to the ocean and Mexico.  Anyways, just think about that.

Though I’m out there, fighting Mounties and Texas Rangers to the death, do know this. I still hate that emo-magic boy Criss Angel. I still think Cameron Diaz is a man. The Worst SEO Blog Ever!’s top keyword referrer is “poop porn”. I’m glad John Lovitz put the hurt on Andy Dick. And I hope to visit a Waffle House again someday.

To my loyal comrades, thank you for your support and to my loyal readers, thanks for all the times you stopped by. I really don’t know what to say to you all except thank you and I’ll miss you (assuming things take a turn for the worse). And if the above doesn’t make much sense, I urge you to watch the following video (only to the 4:37 mark, unless you totally get off on watching credits, which is pretty fucked up).

If that was just confusing, I hope the following makes more sense and puts everything into perspective.

Thanks. And I hope to see you all around soon.

PS – Don’t mix sleeping pills and gin. People think you’re all “suicidey” and junk. Then you get to spend a lot of time having people watching you. Think goodbye nose picking and masterbating. It’s like thinking the ghosts of your ancestors are watching you, except for the fact they’re not ghosts and you can tell they’re judging you.

PSS – Interventions are not nearly as fun as they appear on TV. They’re like the worst party ever. Especially when there’s nothing to intervene on. I’m pretty sure my friends are just assholes.

14 Responses to “SEO Hack Gets Canned. Vanessa Fox Eats a Salad. Life Goes On.”

  1. Devilman676 Says:

    That HAS to be the BEST SONG EVER! Yo what happened to the 7 things I learned on the interweb this week? That was the highlight of my day…kinda sad in a way but whatever.

    1 last thing…Poop porn!

    I’m out.

  2. Matt McGee Says:

    OK, the monkeys on ice video makes this one of your best posts ever, despite the otherwise crappy circumstances you write about.

    Hang in there. You’ll do fine, Hack. And you can always learn to ice skate if need be….

  3. el tigre Says:

    the awesomeness of that monkey video made me cry. no joke. i’m a sobbing sissy, ready to go all tonya harding on your haters.

  4. Melanie Phung Says:

    It’s the end of an era, I guess. We’ll miss you!

    Wait, no! I’m not going to let you leave like this. Come back damnit. This can NOT be the end. I will not stand for it. Don’t you leave us. Not like this. Do not make me hunt you down and kick your ass.

  5. Syzlak Says:

    I know everyone was concerned about the cryptic post, thankfully I am here to translate.


    Hack, real name Artemis Prime, has been trapped in a can during a mishap at a recent trip to a canning factory. While this is concerning to most, the biggest concern is that he will not have access to the Web unless he’s shipped to a really fancy Whole Foods or Jewell-Osco. Because of this, he hopes that Vanessa Fox will order a salad – with olives (it was an olive factory) – so he can be set free of the evil curse of Corky from that show Life Goes On.

  6. JDog Says:

    What the fuck Hack.. You can’t leave us hanging like this.

  7. Rebecca Kelley Says:

    What the hell. There is now a huge void in my life. Or maybe my colon. I can’t decide which.

  8. Kent Schnepp Says:

    I’m confused.

  9. Owlette Says:

    I can’t believe my eyes. Hack returns from whatever secret mission he was on.

    Is this a cry for help or an announcement that you’re back? I’ll just pour myself a gin and wait to see.

    Carry on.

  10. streko Says:

    see, i told you all this blog is a trap.

  11. Soylent Ape Says:

    I know the deal. I just hung up my blogging gears a few months back. (Rather, Bagel hung them up for me.) As fun as it is, it gets to be a chore. I loved the loyal RR’ers, but it was hard to give ’em all the attention I thought they deserved. I still had, like, 5 or 6 articles in the queue.

    Sorry to see the Worst SEO Blog go down in flames. It was fo’ sho’ funny. I’m going to miss the “7 Things”, as well as the twisted mentality that would conceive the phrase “Emo Magic Boy” to describe Criss Angel. (Completely accurate, by the way.) At least Copperfield has that coked-up paranoia thing going on, but Criss looks like one of the poor goths that cut themselves when the school bans black lipstick.

    I’ll be laughing about the “intervention” observation for days! Good luck and Godspeed, SEO Hack.

  12. paisley Says:

    i think cameron diaz is a man too.

  13. Matt Davies Says:

    Glad I haven’t been round these parts in a while… I might not have made it to Christmas if I didn’t know you were coming back man.

  14. Secret Says:

    Kent Schnepp Why ? 😀

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