Archive for October 24th, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 24, 2008

Fuck, this week I had the attention span of a gnat on speed.  There was nothing.  It’s a miracle I ever actually got all the way dressed and went into public.  That’s right – the Hack actually left the compound and went out in public for a little bit.  Then I remembered how dirty and creepy the public is crawled back to the compound for several hours worth of hand-washing.  The things we do for a free drink.  God, I can still feel the fucking bugs crawling all over me.

So, despite the fact my skin feels like it’s crawling and I can’t concentrate, I actually managed to cobble this post together.  All the usual warnings about it wasting your time, pissing you off, sucking horribly, blah blah blah.

1.  Never trust old people.

2.  Some things are way too fucking cool to explain.

3.  Some men are secure with having a shrimp in their pants.   See, that’s supposed to be funny because men don’t like being told they have small penises, but this guy had shrimp in his pants.  Not a small penis, but actual shrimp.  Therefore, small penis equals shrimp, but in this case there were literally shrimp in the guy’s pants.  Hilarious, no?  So, the joke (if that’s what this was) pretty much writes itself.  I should have just linked to the page.  And I don’t know if the guy has a short dick or not.  I only know, from reading the article, he had a bag of shrimp in his pants.  It’s not like he’s my neighbor, who is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at ten in the morning (lucky bastard).   Though, I don’t know the size of my neighbor’s pecker either.  Okay, let’s get off the subject of penises.   This is just getting awkward.

4.  Do NOT piss off Japanese women.  Actually, I highly recommend not pissing off women in general.

5.  If you’re looking to roll and smoke a giant joint made from dollar bills, it’s generally not a good idea to threaten to stab people, especially off duty cops.   All that shit for a lighter?  Seriously?

6.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the Mr. Rogers of the industry – piss enough people off they’ll think you’re an arrogant dick.   Seriously though, is this really the biggest thing we’re worried about?  Some of it sounds like people being pissy for the sake of being pissy and morally outraged (think Doug Heil). Though, I’ve read that thread and I still have no fucking idea how to keep my shit from getting crawled.  Luckily for me, I don’t give a shit.

7.  The most disappointing album in history is about to be released.  Hopefully that free Dr. Pepper will wash the bitter taste of shittiness from our mouths.

Alright, that’s all I have for now.  Let’s go fuck something up now.