Man, what a fucked week. And from what I understand, it’s been that way all around. It’s tough all over, and it’s getting tougher every day. What’s the remedy? Fuck if I know. If I knew I’d be in a good fucking mood and sell that shit to all you alls so then you’d be in a good mood. But I don’t. So if you came here looking for kitten kisses and rainbows and unicorn hugs, I’ve got bad news for you. A unicorn will stab your eye out for shits and giggles, that rainbow is from a junked 351 Cleveland that leaked into a fucking puddle at the Walmart and that cat licks its ass. Ain’t nothing good in life.
So, on that happy note, how about the seven things I learned on the interweb this week?
3. Slate has breaking news: fail is a new buzzword! Buzzword FAIL, Slate. I mean, for chrissakes, you people are just now getting hep to that? You all get a time machine to six months ago or something? What the fuck? Welcome to October, 2008, jackasses.
6. Colin Farrell is a greasy motherfucker that’s afraid of tall men. Or something. I don’t know. I just wish the motherfucker would take a bath. I mean, that’s a nice suit, and he’s made it all greasy and shit. Perhaps that’s what John Voight is telling him? Okay, I yield. I got nothing. The previous was just me being jealous of Mr. Farrell because he can not bathe for weeks on end and still get frenched by old men and told he’s sexy by old women and if I do the same I get told to burn my clothes and to leave the restaurant because I’m making the other patrons nauseous.
7. Apparently RipoffReport.com founder Bill Magedson did not invent the internet. But he’s still a crazy, handicapped parking spot stealing quasi-legit dick, in my opinion. And apparently my time machine goes back further than the Slate’s does. He’s also reason numero uno on why you should never trust a hippie.
Wow. So I really sucked it up this week. Oh well, let’s go get drunk and shoot some road signs, shall we? Oh, and great big fat congrats to my positive role model on his engagement to Singer Girl Jen. Saaaaaaaaalute! May your children be as awesome as I am. Well done.