It’s Cat Shit Coffee

Alright, so there’s always those people that are putting the nastiest shit in their mouths.  Sometimes they have shows on the TV, sometimes they’re just those kind of people.  I’m sure you know some of them.  They’re the kind of people that will say, “Hey, Hack, you have to try this coffee.  It’s like $1,576.89 a pound but it’s so worth it.  It has a nice, nutty flavor.” And then right before you put the cuppa up to your lips they’re all, “Yeah, it’s hard to come by in the States.  It comes from Indonesia  – the coffee berries are picked from the droppings of a rare cat!” And then you’re all, “What the fuck? You’re feeding me cat shit coffee?  You’re an asshole!  And you’re foolish with money!” And then they’re all, “No, I didn’t brew cat poop, I brewed the berries gingerly plucked from the cat shit, er, feline droppings! Once you get passed the fact the coffee berries fermented in a jungle cat’s intestines, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it!” And you’re all, “No, DUDE, if it came from the cat’s asshole, I’m pretty sure it qualifies as cat shit.  Therefore, you’ve brewed a nice steaming cup of cat shit coffee.  If it comes from a cat’s ass, it’s cat shit.  This is cat shit coffee.” And they’re all, “You need to get beyond where the coffee berry came from, man!  Try it!”

This pretty much sums up my opinion of those fucking Windows Mojave commercials.  Microsoft is trying to soft sell cat shit coffee.

See, in those ads, they always try to make the person who hates Vista look like a chump because they like Mojave but hate Vista.  If only that person would change their frame of reference, they’d see that (after being made to look like a fucking jackass) Vista really is a good thing!  These poor, uneducated saps just need to get over their hatred of Vista to know that it’s a superior product!  They need to realize they’re not drinking cat poop, but instead enjoying coffee.  It’s simple, really!

Bullshit.  Of course Microsoft Vista is going to perform like a champ in the hands of a fucking Microsoft employee.  Those sons of bitches know how to use the goddammed thing!  SUHHHHHPRIIIIIIIISE!  Of course it looks great and works perfectly*!  I hate Office 2007.  It’s fucking slow.  And I have to re-educate myself on how to use Word.  WORD.  My fucking Outlook In-box takes a fucking fortnight to load.  And sure, maybe it’d do better if it were on Vista and not XP.  But if I have to learn how to use Word again, what the fuck makes them think I want to learn fucking Windows, er, sorry, VISTA?

I shouldn’t have to change my frame of reference to see how “genius” fucking Vista is.  You people, who can fuck up a wet dream, should build a operating system that WE want to use.  It should be obvious to me how great it is.  Because, in the end, no matter how you try to trick me into drinking it, it’s still fucking cat shit coffee.  And it might be great.  It might be the best shit ever.  But calling me a prejudiced dumb shit isn’t going to get me to sip your cat poop from your cup.

* I have read more than one story where someone was showing off either their latest computer or doing a demonstration and Vista totally fucked up and made these people look like fucking assheads.  And yes, one of these people worked for Microsoft.