It’s Cat Shit Coffee

Alright, so there’s always those people that are putting the nastiest shit in their mouths.  Sometimes they have shows on the TV, sometimes they’re just those kind of people.  I’m sure you know some of them.  They’re the kind of people that will say, “Hey, Hack, you have to try this coffee.  It’s like $1,576.89 a pound but it’s so worth it.  It has a nice, nutty flavor.” And then right before you put the cuppa up to your lips they’re all, “Yeah, it’s hard to come by in the States.  It comes from Indonesia  – the coffee berries are picked from the droppings of a rare cat!” And then you’re all, “What the fuck? You’re feeding me cat shit coffee?  You’re an asshole!  And you’re foolish with money!” And then they’re all, “No, I didn’t brew cat poop, I brewed the berries gingerly plucked from the cat shit, er, feline droppings! Once you get passed the fact the coffee berries fermented in a jungle cat’s intestines, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it!” And you’re all, “No, DUDE, if it came from the cat’s asshole, I’m pretty sure it qualifies as cat shit.  Therefore, you’ve brewed a nice steaming cup of cat shit coffee.  If it comes from a cat’s ass, it’s cat shit.  This is cat shit coffee.” And they’re all, “You need to get beyond where the coffee berry came from, man!  Try it!”

This pretty much sums up my opinion of those fucking Windows Mojave commercials.  Microsoft is trying to soft sell cat shit coffee.

See, in those ads, they always try to make the person who hates Vista look like a chump because they like Mojave but hate Vista.  If only that person would change their frame of reference, they’d see that (after being made to look like a fucking jackass) Vista really is a good thing!  These poor, uneducated saps just need to get over their hatred of Vista to know that it’s a superior product!  They need to realize they’re not drinking cat poop, but instead enjoying coffee.  It’s simple, really!

Bullshit.  Of course Microsoft Vista is going to perform like a champ in the hands of a fucking Microsoft employee.  Those sons of bitches know how to use the goddammed thing!  SUHHHHHPRIIIIIIIISE!  Of course it looks great and works perfectly*!  I hate Office 2007.  It’s fucking slow.  And I have to re-educate myself on how to use Word.  WORD.  My fucking Outlook In-box takes a fucking fortnight to load.  And sure, maybe it’d do better if it were on Vista and not XP.  But if I have to learn how to use Word again, what the fuck makes them think I want to learn fucking Windows, er, sorry, VISTA?

I shouldn’t have to change my frame of reference to see how “genius” fucking Vista is.  You people, who can fuck up a wet dream, should build a operating system that WE want to use.  It should be obvious to me how great it is.  Because, in the end, no matter how you try to trick me into drinking it, it’s still fucking cat shit coffee.  And it might be great.  It might be the best shit ever.  But calling me a prejudiced dumb shit isn’t going to get me to sip your cat poop from your cup.

* I have read more than one story where someone was showing off either their latest computer or doing a demonstration and Vista totally fucked up and made these people look like fucking assheads.  And yes, one of these people worked for Microsoft.

13 Responses to “It’s Cat Shit Coffee”

  1. JDog Says:

    LMAO. You hit the nail on the head Hack. Fuck VEESTA. I presonally use XP but everyone I talk to that has Vista says it crashes, then crashes, loses shit, and just straight blows. Great post and coorelation between cat shit and Vista!

    • Teach Says:

      I also believe that coffee is a shit drink, and it is the MOST terrible waste of money when there are people all over the world including the USA that are starving. The money those people are wasting could be spent in a better way. When you spent your money on shit like this you deffinately have too much money.
      Besides if you just want to drink catshit, get your own cat and brew its shit. A cat may lick its own ass but they dont even eat their own shit. Now maybe its me but, something is wrong when humans are eating catshit that the cat wont even eat.
      Those people who can afford to buy this catshit coffee and buy it, stop!!! And send that money to me. I will put it to a much better use. Or just give the money to a crack addict at least they wont blow it on shit not fit for human comsumption. I dont agree with drug use but thats better than drinking catshit brew.
      NOTE TO SeoHack you really need to learn how to use your Word program because the grammar grade of your article is only 4th grade 2nd month. By using the program your future comments and blogs will be so much easier to read and understand. Unless you didt complete the 4th grade. If that is the case then keep trying and you may get better but you should not use such horrible language if you are still in elementary school. Only grownups use profanity, not little kids, ignorant people whom cant write beyond the 4th grade level, or assholes who drink catshit coffee.

  2. Craig Says:

    Dude, seriously wtf is wrong with M$? It sounds like you dont even have Vista installed yet so you might not truly understand the level of fuckdom that Vista takes you to on a regular basis. All productivity is held at either a screeching halt or at a snail’s pace. Startup time has increased tenfold, restarts are often impossible unless you pull the plug, random programs crash on a regular basis then shit gets locked up while it tries to repair, find a solution, then restart the program. When I say regular basis, I’m talking 3-10+ times EVERYDAY and when I say random programs I mean MS native programs like IE, Outlook, Word, Excel, etc. Tell me what the fuck is going on Microsoft?? Is my 4GB, 2.6Ghz quadcore processor w/1066Mhz machine underpowered to run a fucking operating system? I want some answers and I sure as fuck dont want a Mojave ad telling me everythings fine and dandy, cause it isnt.

  3. Craig Says:

    They should come out with an ad campaign called “Shitsta, Wake up and smell the cat shit coffee.”

  4. seohack Says:

    @JDog – thanks! well, both stink and i imagine Vista tastes like shit when brewed . . . .

    @Craig – dag! tell me how you really feel! don’t have it installed on anything (thank god), and from that glowing review . . . oy. Don’t forget the Mojave ads aren’t just telling you it’s 11 o’clock and all is well – they’re also saying it’s just that you don’t get it won’t give it a chance. 😉 Kinda’ makes you want to make the long drive to Redmond to light something on fire, huh?

  5. Syzlak Says:

    Get this, I run Vista on my Mac – works great.

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  8. Rich Says:

    I also run Vista x64 on my Mac in a VM. The guy who says his runs great is not connected to a domain! Vista runs fine until some IT MoeHead starts writing scripts and imposing group policy then the whole OS just locks up with all the native MS applications just as described. No the CAL is not on. The Inbox problem? Just as described. It freezes, turns grey then fucks up. WIthout warning. No processor usage. And no, the indexing service is not running either. My guess is that after an hour or two or 3 or 4, whatever is constipating the damn thing simply dissolves and it starts running again.

    Bill Gates is surely the AntiChrist. Just think how much time and money he and MS have stolen. Makes AIG and the oil companies stealing $10B a quarter look like lightweights.

    Catshit coffee. Funny if it weren’t true.

  9. Al Says:

    The difference between Windows Vista and cat shit coffee? I may actually try cat shit coffee some time.

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