Archive for October 3rd, 2008

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

October 3, 2008

Yeah, so it’s been a few weeks since I’ve done this. The funny thing is that only like three people noticed (and only last week at that!). Though, that is about half my readership, so maybe it isn’t so funny. All I know is that it isn’t irony. I don’t know what the fuck irony is half the time, but I sure as hell know it ain’t that. Obviously, I’m not a hipster, but personally I think they just like to use the word “ironic”. And please, if you’re a fucking hipster that happens to stop by, I really don’t care to know what irony is or why your NRA trucker hat is “ironic”. Seriously. Go to Hot Topic or something.

Anyways, while I wish I could wow you with some tale of how I’ve been in jail or on a month-long booze fest, I can’t. Not because a lawyer said it would fuck up my case, but because nothing exciting happened. Not a goddammed thing. No alien anal probes, no liquor store heists, no runs to Mexico for cheap prescription drugs. Nothing. And the real life details would bore the fucking shit out of you. So let’s just leave it at that.

Anyways, I actually kinda’ learned some shit this week. For realsies!

1. Some people don’t like to be called Mel.

2. I need to read me some more Bible, ‘cuz some of this stuff is straight outta’ Penthouse Letters. Seriously though, I think I saw that porno. And I think I have Syzlak to thank for this, but since he don’t come by here anymore to say whether he did or not, fuck him.

3. Heather Locklear may be a crazy bitch, but she takes a fucking HOT mug shot. Don’t deny it – you’d do her too, even with that crazy “I’m gonna’ stab you in the throat and eat your genitals while calmly humming Amazing Grace” eyes. And am I the only one that sometimes gets her mixed up with Heather Thomas? You know, Jody from the Fall Guy? Anyone?

4. After reading some story about some crazy ass woman wearing a cow costume that chased children, blocked traffic and pissed on someone’s porch, all I can think of some half-assed “mad cow” comment. In my defense, the punchline is pretty much that mug shot, which isn’t nearly as hot as Heather Locklear’s. And yes, even with the crazy eyes, she looks fucking HOT. Er, that’s Heather Locklear that looks hot with the crazy eyes, cow lady not so much. Though to be fair, cow lady is wearing the cow costume, so crazy eyes just look crazy. Well, crazier.

5. Google isn’t saying submit to directories anymore. Er, wow?

6. The perfect gift means I can finish my Christmas shopping early. Hope you’re on the Hack’s gift list?

7. Our government is being ran by a bunch of self-servicing (as well as self-serving), back-slapping assholes (TV and the radio helped me come to this conclusion too). I’m so happy they got this whole economy whoopsie-doodle all wrapped up in time for them to do some campaigning in their districts, assuming they fill the cocksucking “plan” with enough fucking pork to get enough assholes to vote for it this afternoon. Fuckers. Thanks, for nothing. And hey, assholes, Sunday morning is NOT a good time to call me to talk about who the fuck I’m voting for. Go fuck yourselves.

Anyways, on that happy note, have a great weekend! Smiles and kisses!