Alright, I usually try to stay from politics because it just seems like a good way to piss everybody off (hmm, maybe I should more often . . . .). But it seems that every other person in the world is obsessed with this whole Presidential election thingy. It isn’t that I don’t care – I do – I just, well, I don’t care. I mean, I realize we’re looking at history. You vote for the old guy, and we have the oldest president in history. And vote for the black guy, we have only the second senator from Illinois in presidential history. We’re living history! And I don’t care.
The problem is that I don’t really care for either candidate. On one hand we have a guy that hasn’t run anything, not even a fucking taco stand. I mean, c’mon! Seriously? And then I’m supposed to be excited that he was in the Illinois Senate or something? And it’s not like the option is any better. He got a job with his second wife’s dad’s beer distributorship. While I think most of you would assume I’d think this is a plus, it’s not – it was for fucking Anheuser Busch! The same people who brought you Bud Light Lime and Bud Light Chelada! Goddamm that shit is nasty! Sure, he’s been on all sorts of committees and shit, but he still had to get a job from his fucking father-in-law.
And then the old guy was a part of the Keating Five. The fucking Keating Five. Lovely. I don’t care that a former astronaut was involved, it was fucking crooked. I guess the up side to this is we know he’s corrupt? And it’s not like the other guy’s associations are much better. Some guy that helped him get his house is in the penitentiary (I love how it sounds like “penetrate”, ‘cuz we all know what happens in there) and then he had that one guy he listened to for 20 years that he disowned when it was politically convenient. So neither of these guys are very good at picking friends.
Speaking of picking, look at their VP picks! The one guy picks another old white guy that sucked it up in the primary. Wow. I’m overwhelmed with the “change”. But the old guy isn’t much better! While you’d think I’d be excited about a gal with guns and a love for eating animals, but I’m not thrilled. I mean, she couldn’t even name a fucking newspaper or fucking magazine she reads! Just name a fucking magazine or newspaper! Hustler! The NY Times! The Weekly World News! Just name a goddamm magazine!!! It’s fucking Danny Quayle, Part 2.
So, at this point, you’d think I’ve decided not to vote. But as Steve Earle noted in the liner notes of the most excellent album Copperhead Road, if you don’t vote, don’t bitch. And I’ll be damned if I forfeit that most sacred of rights. As such, I’ve settled on a candidate that I can actually believe in. His name is Donald Duck.
Seriously, think about him. This guy has fought Hitler. Fucking Hitler! So not only is he old like McCain, he’s stared evil down! He’s also a Navy man (and has been in the Army as well), which should make people who are voting for McCain for his military experience happy. Aside from that, Donald Duck is always ready to kick a little ass and isn’t afraid to do so. Now, if you’re worried that he’s just a violence-prone, militaristic asshole, don’t worry. He’s been known to go drag, so that should appeal to the Bay Area voters. Like Obama because foreigners like him? Donald Duck has very close ties to Mexico and South America. Hell, the McDonald’s is always giving out toys with him wearing a fucking sombrero. How much more south of the border can you get than that? And, if stereotyping people has taught me anything, that should also help shore up the Hispanic vote. Honestly, the only thing that I can think of that Donald Duck has that wouldn’t appeal to the core Obama voter is that he’s an old, white male, kinda’ like McCain.
A vote for Donald Duck would truly be a vote for change. First off, he’s a duck. We have yet to have a duck for President, and aside from jackasses, any other sort of beast or bird. For those of you worried about what the Europeans would think (as apparently some Obama voters are), the Swedes are already down with him. And while you might be thinking to yourself, “I can’t vote for a fucking cartoon character!”, just remember this: whether you vote for Obama or McCain, you’re just voting for a puppet anyways. At least with Donald Duck, you’re getting an animated character.
Therefore, I urge you to make a courageous vote: Write-In Donald Duck in 2008.