Damn, am I glad this week is over. I’m still friggin’ hungover from Rebecca Kelley Day and my guts feel like a cement mixer. Ugh, cement mixer. Why the hell did I think those were a good idea? It’s bad enough that shit chunks up in your mouth, but then, when you’ve been eating bleu cheese and kosher dills all day, oh fuck, that’s something you don’t want to have to clean up yourself.
Needless to say, between being drunk, hungover, drunk, really hungover and then just hungover, I didn’t learn a damn thing this week. Well, not as much as usual. But here is what I did learn on the interweb.
1. Cops found marijuana on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus. In other obvious news, the sky is blue, grass is green and water is wet.
4. A story about a woman getting a dog cloned and perhaps having kidnapped and sexually assaulted (I think the word is “raped”, but MSNBC won’t use it) some Mormon guy in the 70’s needs the phrase “doggy style” worked into it. I mean, c’mon! It practically writes itself! You people managed to work “missionary position” (heheheheh) into it. I’m just sayin’ . . . .
5. I’m already sick of the Olympics. And pretty much anything on the TV that has to do with China. I guess I didn’t need the interweb to tell me that, but it reminded me how sick I am of it. C’mon September.
6. Clay Aiken has the potential to grow facial hair. I know, I know, everyone is talking about him having a baby, er, rather, giving some lady he knows some seed to grow a kid or something and that gal having a baby. But it never occured to me that perhaps he might just have enough testosterone to grow facial hair. I mean, sure, he can make baby goo. Does that necessarily mean he can grow an awesome fu-manchu? Futhermore, how weirdo would he look with a beard or a mustache or a goatee or something?
7. Nothing sez, “I’m not pissing in the handle of my golf club, honest!” like putting a towel around your waste while you piss in the handle of your golf club.
Alright, I suppose it’s time to do something that actually makes the Man some money. All you all have a good weekend and shit. You know where to find me.