As you all know, today is a day like no other in Rebecca Kelley Fanboydom. That’s right – today is the anniversary of when Ms. Kelley’s mother paid the price for getting too drunk nine months and twenty five years ago and brought forth to this Kingdom our matron idol – Rebecca “Don’t Call Me Mamacita” Kelley.
Believe it or not, there is right and wrong way to celebrate this most holy of high holy holidays of RBFB-dom. And knowing that there is probably a legion of millions out there sacrificing goats on the altar to her, I think it’s time to lay a few ground rules on proper celebration.
DO: Get drunk and pick a fight with homeless people.
DON’T: Get drunk and make out with homeless people. You know where those people get their dinner from? Exactly.
DO: Get drunk and light a dumpster on fire.
DON’T: Get drunk and light your boss’ car on fire. You still have to work for a living and make money to put in the plate for the giant, golden statue we’re having built in Her honor.
DO: Get drunk and blast Kid Rock, ICP and Eminem as loudly as possible to tell the neighbors of this joyus day.
DON’T: Get drunk and blast John Tesh. Don’t even do this sober. Actually, just don’t. And if you happen to have a John Tesh album, it is your civic duty to break that CD into shards and gouge out your ear drums.
DO: Get drunk and laugh at children when they fall down.
DON’T: Get drunk and laugh at people who are bigger than you when they fall down. That’s just stupid. Unless you can out run them.
DO: Get drunk and send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.
DON’T: Get drunk and not send SEO Hack and Syzlak money and credit card information.
DO: Get drunk and “thumb up” all Ms. Kelley’s posts on YouMoz and the SEOmoz blog.
DON’T: Get drunk and submit a post to YouMoz where you call half the industry names and things that’d hurt their little feelings. Some people get really pissed about that kind of stuff.
DO: Get drunk and send Rebecca bottles of the finest vodka you can find.
DON’T: Get drunk and send Rebecca Zima. What the fuck is wrong with you? This ain’t 1993, asshole.
So, that’s all we have for now. I realize it ain’t much, but you ever try putting shit together when you’re drunk? What the hell you looking at? You want some of this, turkey? That’s what I thought. And maybe next year we’ll lay out the protocols for a proper Rebecca Kelley Day celebration.
Anyways, Happy Birthday, Rebecca, and may all your champagne wishes and caviar dreams come true. At least the very least I hope your Champagne of Beer wishes and Power Bait dreams come true. Oh hell, happy birthday. You know what I mean.