7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Man, what a week. And I’m gonna’ warn, you this week’s post sucks. It sucks a lot. But it’s just that kind of deal. I mean, sure, a “Google-killer” was launched, but what the hell? Their results sucked and their index was fucking ancient. But hey, they got pictures!

So, let’s get this over with. And then we can all get back to saying how women are no good at SEO and other such bullshit and nonsense.

1. You reap what you sow.

2. Julia Allison needs to shitcan her publicist ‘cuz I still don’t even know who the fuck she is. What do I know about her? Wired seems to have a boner for her.

3. I’m even more legit, bitches! That right, suckers. I’ve gotten some love from the Mad Hat (my good role model!) and the SEO Chicks. Now, add to it a quote from Cre8PC! Okay, so I come off as the sexually frustrated, horny SEO, but what the hell. You all know what this means, right? My readership is actually more like eight people! And that I’m awesome. Really fucking awesome. Do I hear a request for the Hack to do a keynote?

4. My boyhood crush on Valerie Keaton is officially over.

5. If people were speculating your wife was getting “batting lessons” from A-Rod, you’d be a little crazy too.

6. El Tigre has given me a reason to quit burning tires.

7. Take a greasy-looking chica, have her lick everything in a hotel room and you have the makings of the perfect viral video. Or not. I get it. It’s “edgy”. You take the obligatory “hot girl”, and you have her lick everything in the room to show how clean they are. One problem. It just shows you have sketchy looking people that lick every fucking surface in your hotels!!! And yes, having her flash a note showing the URL makes it look all “underground” and not “produced”, assuming we ignore the camera work. But you know what? It’s still fucking disgusting! I don’t want to sit on the toilet knowing someone has licked the goddammed thing! Furthermore, for her sake, I hope this doesn’t get too much attention or she’s gonna’ be as sought after as the herpes guy! I mean, her dating life is shot! Or not. I’d always be worried about cholera if I made out with her, but I’m semi-germaphobic. Maybe some people get off on that shit (no pun intended). Every time I travel somewhere, it wreaks havoc on my innards. The thought of some random licking a toilet that I destroyed just makes me want to puke a little. I don’t know if it makes anyone want to stay there, but I do know that if you want a viral campaign to stay active, unless it’s 2 girls 1 cup, having it flagged as adult is gonna’ kill its, er, mojo.

There it is. Remember, send your hate mail to seohack {at} gmail.com. Have a great weekend!

7 Responses to “7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week”

  1. streko Says:

    this sucked.

  2. Kim Krause Berg Says:

    I now have two favorite funny as hell roundup bloggers to look forward to – You and The Lisa. Sometimes comic relief is a great thing because it’s impeccably honest and true.

    And thanks for the chance to use the word “horny” in my blog. Always wanted to do that.


  3. Chique*Life Says:

    Congrats on maintaining an overall top suck factor. Justine Bateman’s character was Mallory Keaton. How deep could the love have been?

  4. Melanie Phung Says:

    re. Chique*Life’s comment.



  5. seohack Says:

    for reals? oh hell. no wonder all my friends looked at me like I was an idiot growing up. so who the hell is valerie?

  6. Jaan Kanellis Says:

    She is hot? Uggh. I guess she figures it is better to get paid to lick strange objects than strange objects in peoples pants.

  7. Melanie Phung Says:

    Hah! Boing Boing apparently reported that the ad was fake. So then that gave it more publicity again. ‘cept it’s real. Not that one expects Boing Boing to do a lot of due diligence…

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