7 Things Twitter Can’t Do

There must be a shortage of new social media communities and junk for us to exploit participate in because everyone is still talking about Twitter. It’s bad enough there’s all this bullshit about how awesome Twitter is on Twitter, and the Twitter love notes makes me want to stab a fucker in the eye, but to clog up the Sphinn with it too? It seems like every thing sfun on the Sphinn is about fucking Twitter (maybe I’m missing a strategy on getting on the first page of the Sphinn . . .)! “Twitter Wrote This Column for Me” or “Twitter Secrets Revealed” or “Twitter: I Twink I Twove You” or “Twitter Helped My Balls Drop“. Enough already. You like Twitter. I get it.

I’m not one to piss on someone’s parade (okay, maybe I am a little) and I’m sure it’s great for marketing to other marketers, but, believe it or not, there are some things Twitter can not do. I know, some of you are staring at the screen, scratching your heads in disbelief. But it’s true and I compiled a list below.

1. Twitter will not cure AIDS (or the HIV). I know it sounds crazy, but some people confuse Twitter with virologists, doctors and scientists. Twitter cannot cure cancer, the common cold or hemroids either. The only thing it’s been proven to cure is copious amounts of free time.

2. Twitter can not prevent global warming. Lemme’ guess, some hippie out there is saying, “Hey man, that’s harsh. If I tweet people about, like, green houses gases, man, we can do something about it! Kill Bush!” Sorry, hippie. By using a computer you’re just making it so more electricity needs to be generated, which just causes more green house gases created by coal fired power plants to be released into the atmosphere. Put down the bong, take a bath and go nuclear.

3. Twitter is not the second coming of Christ. Nor is it the Maitreya Buddha, the Man Child or any other religious figure. Though I think it is achieving cult status.

4. Twitter can not free Tibet. Actually, it does the opposite. Every time some writes something about Twitter, the Chinese government tortures a Tibetan monk.

5. Twitter can not get you laid. I know, you’re thinking you’re meeting all of these interesting people and they’ll find you interesting and then you all will get a hotel room and have an orgy or something. Think about it. First, you have to actually quit using the Twitter to meet people and get naked. Second, if you’re forever talking about what you’re doing, do you think that person you’re hooking up with is going to want to tell people about who you’re screwing? Furthermore, say you do get laid. Do you want that person to put up details about the “great disappointment” on the Twitter?

6. Twitter will not let the dog outside to take a shit. Seriously, it won’t. Just trust me on this one.

7. Twitter will not give you hug. It has no arms, nor a heart. It just wants to suck up your soul and your time.

I know there are plenty of other things the Twitter can’t do, and I assure you there will probably be another list. In the meantime, feel free to check out my Twitter feed.

16 Responses to “7 Things Twitter Can’t Do”

  1. streko Says:

    this post delivers.

  2. Syzlak Says:

    Twitter did proverbially let the dogs out though.

  3. Chris Marshall Says:

    Damn, reasons 5 and 7 are the two main reasons I joined Twitter. Thanks for clearing this up though, I was beginning to wonder.

  4. Melanie Says:

    “There must be a shortage of new social media communities… because everyone is still talking about Twitter.”

    Yup. Including you. Nice link bait 😉

  5. Bill D Says:

    I love it. Am I the only person who thinks that everything about Twitter is utterly depressing? Every time I find myself considering making an account, I look down and notice that my hands have found rope and started tying a noose of their own accord.

  6. seohack Says:

    and folks, don’t forget to read Mr. Davies’ excellent post about Twitter!

    @ streko – have i ever told you you’re my hero?

    @ syzlak – well, then that should be changed to Twitter won’t clean the dog shit off the carpet. Fucking twitter . . . .

    @ chris – you need a hug, you came to the right place! getting laid, i can’t help you with that. sorry.

    @ melanie – link bait? what’s that? and you quoted me out of context!

    @ bill d – heheheheh. amen.

  7. streko Says:


    seohack, this post has nothing to do with twitter or seo.

    now please go club yourself to death and twitter about it while you are doing it.

  8. Matt Davies Says:

    “How to get your article sphunn”
    1. Make it a list
    2. Make it controversial
    3. Make it about twitter

  9. Matt Davies Says:

    Oh yeah, and it’s not even funny. Has nothing to do with Twitter or SEO really.

  10. Jaan Kanellis Says:

    yeah well my back hurt last night and I had my lady friend rub some Twitter all over me and today I feel fine.

  11. Matt Davies Says:

    Yeah well I was sitting here wondering what Jason Calacanis was up to RIGHT THIS MOMENT. Thank god for Twitter. Balls to AIDS, global warming, the second coming and Tibet, so long as I can keep up with my favourite Web Rockstars I’m A-OK.

  12. Rebecca Kelley Says:

    Twitter is my baby’s daddy.

  13. The Bagel of Everything Says:

    Breaking News! SEO Hack still hates Twitter. Twitter responds by not giving a shit.

  14. seohack Says:

    you all are the smartest people I know!

    @ streko – damn, i should’ve commented last week. and what kind of douchebag jumps into the fray the day after cinco de mayo?

    @ Mr. Davies – i’m so glad you stopped in! i didn’t realize twitter was useful for something other than marketing to marketers!

    @ jaan – best testimonial ever.

    @ Rebecca Kelley – you better watch that son of a bitch. don’t fall for the whole “i’m going to the store for a pack of smokes” bit! That twitter is a cad! a cad!

    @ bagel – you had to rub my nose in it?

  15. Plurk, You’re A Needy Bitch « The Worst SEO Blog Ever! Says:

    […] before you go there, yeah, I been back seeing the Twitter.  I know I said some shit about the Twitter in the past, and I do stand by it.  I know we used to talk shit about her too.  But man, […]

  16. hemroids Says:

    try this is good

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