Archive for March, 2008


March 17, 2008

Okay, maybe I’m the only adolescent in the room here, but when you read “one-eyed creature” and “bedroom”, are you thinking TV?

One Eyed Monster

Me neither.

A Lesson From That Justin Guy

March 17, 2008

For all you image-conscious hand-wringers out there, this one’s for you.  It’s an easier than hell way to improve the image of SEO/SEM people everywhere.

So, a while back I wrote a post about some guy that spammed the Sphinn with his loving review of the iPhone.  I wasn’t very kind.  I was kind of a dick.  Well, I like to think more like an asshole, but the word “dick” would be applicable here.

Anyways, this guy came back and replied.  I was figuring he’d come in, barrels blazing and tossing out the hate-bombs like the StumbleUpon crew did when I merely signed up.  But no such luck.  Unlike others in our industry who get all bent out of shape when people call them on their shit, he came back, respectably defended himself and apologized.  So, instead of being an asshole, he made me look like an asshole.  Er, a bigger asshole.

What can we learn from this guy?

1.  If someone calls you on your shit, you have two options.  Own it or don’t.  If you own it, do it like a fucking  grown-assed man and own it.  Don’t shy away from it and act like a fucking whiney-assed brat who needs to have his (or her) ass spanked.

2.  Apologize.  Sure, he didn’t apologize in the Sphinn, but he apologized in this friggin’ black hole.  He had his reasons, but he apologized.  Again, something that a grown-assed man does.  And as far as I know, he didn’t file with the local police or Feds.

3.  Don’t be an asshole!!!  Justin was respectful, honest and even a little humorous.  But he wasn’t a dick.  He didn’t call me a hypocrite or an ass or even a bully.  He stuck up for himself (and those damn sunglasses), said his piece and moved on.  By doing this, I went out and looked at some of his other posts.  In the end, I ended up looking like an asshole.

There you have it.  Three simple steps to make yourself as an online marketer to look better.  And in doing so, you might even bring up the prestige of pricks like me.  Get yourself in the middle of a shit storm and this might help, you know, if you care what others think.  If not, well, wrap your hands and get ready to brawl.

So, go read the Life of Justin and click on some of those ads so this cat gets paid.   Maybe even buy one of those bathroom stall hammocks.  At any rate, for a iPhone loving, Facebook being on entrepreneurial type, he ain’t all bad.  Plus, he’s managed to piss off the Facebook.  He can’t be all bad!

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

March 14, 2008

Okay, you know what? Syzlak is a hair-hoarding jackass. I listen, do no 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week, announce it, and my Friday traffic takes a big dump. And you know what??!?!?!? I don’t give a shit if it sucks. Bagel likes it. Melanie digs it. El Tigre – well, he’s on the fence. But Rebecca Kelley digs it too. So, be warned, this is going to totally suck ass. You’re going to want to gouge your fucking eyes out with a spoon and then go to some gypsy and have her put a curse on me for you wasting your time. But I don’t care. Did you come here for interweb advice? Well, fuck you. If you’re dumb enough to think you’ll find that here, then you’re fucked. Life will shit on you because you don’t pay fucking attention. Does that mean there won’t be anything about search or SEO or the SEM? Hell no. I reserve the right to say whatever the hell I want. And I also reserve the right to be drunk at eight in the morning and un-showered. So let’s jump into this puddle of shit without our galoshes.

1. More women than men like the 7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week. God bless you, women. And perhaps this was Syzlak’s angle – to work the maximum chickage into his blog so he can pull from a field of SEO groupies for Donerail. For shame, Syzlak, for shame. Let them like you for the music, man! Not the trickery.

2. Mr. Lucas has found another vehicle for totally shitting on his classics Star Wars and the Empire Strikes Back. Way to go. I was just thinking I haven’t seen a shitty flick with horrible dialogue in a while. Mmmm, turd sandwich.

3. Twitter owns the Sphinn. And the search industry.

4. Jim Carey pimping a new movie at American Idol? From what I hear, it’s about as classy as pimping one of your client’s sites at search conference. I’m guessing Mr. Carey drew the short straw and Steve Carrell didn’t.

5. For all of you searching for cool points, MySpace is out – The Space is in. Glad to see Rob and Big pulling a page from the SEO Hack book.

6. Somebody finally agrees with me! It’s about damn time. Maybe now we can all quit being a bunch of hand-wringing a-holes (heheheheh, a-hole is such a funny word!).

7. People in Ness City, Kansas are slow. Yeah, when you gotta’ go, you gotta’ go. But doing the number two for two years?!?!?! And the boyfriend, did he decide to take the time to make a phone before calling the police? Talk about two people who weren’t getting laid.  Also interesting – the Sheriff quoted in the article is a Mr. Whipple.  MR. WHIPPLE!!!!!

Whatever, MSN and Newsweek. We’re Know What You’re Selling.

March 13, 2008

So, MSN has this “front page” story (it appeared on their portal page thingy) under the headline “Is user-generated ‘Net content at an end?” Hmm, usually, if there’s a trend appearing in Newsweek (let alone the friggin’ MSN), it’s probably already about a month old already. But I hadn’t heard about how user generated content (UGC) was dying. Maybe they were on to something?

Yeah, they were. That something was them trying to legitimize themselves as “journalists” and “experts” while pissing on Joe and Jane Blogger. Oh, heaven forbid someone advertise next to some loud mouth with a laptop and a fucking interweb connection! They’re aren’t seasoned, expert journalists like the fucking hacks hardworking writers on the Newsweek staff! Why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to advertise next to that garbage? Surely, this spells then end of the average person posting their opinion and thank God for that!!!

Here’s the deal, MSN and Newsweek and the rest of you hack journalist news outlets out there. The thing about it is that public opinion will always be interesting to somebody. You people all went to some sort of “journalism school”, which I have heard that it’s basically someplace where they tell you how to sell your opinion tell your point of view. It’s like ad school, but a whole helluva’ lot less honest because at least advertisers hold no illusions about being objective. God bless the advertisers and marketers. And God bless the little loud mouths willing to put their unwashed hands to the keyboard to reach the electronic masses. Most people are getting smart enough to also realize that what they’re reading is opinion. I know it’s hard for you people, Newsweek and MSN, to understand we’re not a nation of complete fucking imbecils, though, we do keep reading and paying good money for your opinions news. So maybe you are on to something.

Furthermore, assholes, UGC is more than blogs and fucked up Wikipedia definitions. It’s someone buying a television or CD and leaving a recommendation about it on Amazon or even, I know this makes you people cringe in your red underwear, but the Wal-Mart! We have been, and always will be, creatures of free-thought and opinions. We will continue to share these opinions even after you poo-poo us and tell us that as rank amateurs we have no business sharing our thoughts, ideas and opinions in our blogs. We will keep these “ignorant”opinions flowing in forums and in the comments of other blogs. And the more compelling, interesting and well-written the ideas are expressed, the more of a chance they have to filter into the 1’s and 0’s of the interweb.

As this interweb thingy grows, we recognize and crave sources of honest, objective information. If not, would have died a long time ago. And so would have Wikipedia, despite all their faults. By citing Knol, you are showing your complete ignorance of life and death on the interweb. Wait and see – if it doesn’t die the slow death of dis-interest and irrelevance, the spammers and marketers will take advantage of it and make it as reliable as the Wikipedia. However, just because we desire accuracy in our information by no means indicates we’re willing to trade-in our opinions and swallow yours.

We will not apologize or shame ourselves into thinking that we shouldn’t dare to voice our opinion because you people, with your ad space to sell and need to stay relevant, dare to shit on the “amateurs”. You people, Newsweek and MSN, should be ashamed of putting out that sort of propaganda. And you should be even more ashamed for thinking we wouldn’t see right through it.

Good News from Syzlak!!!

March 11, 2008

So, Comrade Syzlak is lucky enough to live in Portland, where there was some sort of SEM/SEO conference going on, which he attended and got to rub elbows with all sorts of fancy people. Lucky bastard. Oh well. It’s just as well. It’s not like I had a clean shirt or anything.

Anyways, he told me he got to meet no other than Rebecca Kelley. Rebecca fucking Kelley!!! And he said that she really does read this thing!!! Even if he lying just to keep me from throwing myself in front of a train, still!!! He got to talk to her!!!!!

I think the only thing that could have made hearing that better is to then hear that Vanessa Fox was there and that she heard Syz and Miss Rebecca Kelley talking about this hell hole and then getting into a fight over my fanboydom. That would have been awesome. Super awesome. And then to have Todd Friesen and Greg Boser also show up and try to break up that fight and then say they read this bullshit too. And then they get in a fight. Then that fight gets so bad that there’s people being thrown through the window and shit getting broken. And then right before it gets out of hand, Syzlak steps in and asks them “WWSEOHD?”, to which they’d say, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And then Syzlak, would have to show them his rubber bracelet and say, “The SEO Hack would say instead of fighting amongst ourselves over his awesomeness, we should unite to light a dumpster on fire and partake in the drinking of the gin.” And then they’d all go out, light a dumpster on fire, get drunk and then light some more shit in Portland on fire.

And in my opinion, there’s no bigger compliment than having a town drunkenly burnt to the ground in your honor. Yes, a boy can dream. A boy can dream.

Rebecca Kelley!!!!!

As It Turns Out . . . .

March 11, 2008

 . . . . this blog wasn’t being hacked.

Friday, I noticed a bunch of pages updated on the ol’ dashboard.  Realizing that I didn’t update them (remember, I’m lazy.  Why the hell would I do that?  Drunk, maybe?), I naturally assumed that someone decided to hack into my compooter and take over the Worst SEO Blog Ever!!!

So, of course, that meant I couldn’t get on the interweb ever again.  Ever.

Then, after a few days of panicking and avoiding the interweb, I decided to log in this morning.  Then I decided to do some reading.  Apparently, I wasn’t hacked.  My datas weren’t at risk.  It was some sort of weirdo thing happening with the WordPress.

Lesson learned?  That they may or may not be out to get me.  And maybe reading is a good thing.  Maybe.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

March 7, 2008

Actually, I only learned one thing. It’s been pointed out to me that the 7 have been, well, that they suck. It had been pointed out once before, so last week I took an effort to make it better. Was it? Apparently not.

[11:05] SEO Hack: so last weeks 7
[11:05] SEO Hack: better?
[11:05] anon: all the 7s have kinda become repetitive
[11:06] SEO Hack: how so?
[11:09] anon: well, they are routinely:
a – unfunny
b – involving chris angel
c – or best week ever
d – or some sort of “odd news”
e – rarely search related (remember, this was where you’d link to 3 or so search things and then a couple crazy shits)
f – light on commentary

In light of this news, it looks like it’s time to put the dog down. It was a pretty good run. We had some good time, right? Maybe? Really? It’s been that bad? When something is sucking, there’s not much you can do to rescue it. And knowing when to pull the plug is the hard part. Apparently, the time to pull the plug has already come and gone and now the dog is brain dead.

So, if you’ve been checking in every Friday, you now have those two minutes or so of your life back. I appreciate your patronage and hope you find some other reason to waste some time here. Will the “7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week” ever be back? Maybe. Unless there’s some sort appeal to my ego or some good reasons as to why it should continue, I’ve already got the shovel and gunny sack.  Whilst I never set out to write a comedy blog, trying to be mindfully clever and funny is hard and something I don’t do. I’d say the only thing harder is knowing when to quit.

NO! I Can’t Fix Your Computer. And I Won’t Work For Free!

March 6, 2008

You know what’s great about this industry?  The assumption that you’re some sort of computer wiz and that people assume you can make their friggin’ shitty website numero uno for “britney spears naked”.

First of all, you know what?  Wrong geek, poindexter!!!  I don’t assume you’re a proctologist just because you look in the mirror every day, do I?  Just ‘cuz I look at these things all day doesn’t mean I can fix your friggin’ Commodore 64!  Quit being a cheap ass and buy a new one already!!!!!  It’s not like you have to take out a second mortgage to get one.  Sure, you won’t be able to use you TV set as a monitor, but you might be able to get on the interweb and start buying shit.  Quit being a damned terrorist and buy some shit online already!  Sheeesh!!!

Secondly, I love you.  You’re great.  But you know what?  I already gave you fucking $5K in free advice!!!  That shit is money right out of my pocket!  So either quit being a cheap ass and pay me for my advice or learn this shit yourself like I had to.  I don’t wave a fucking magical fairy wand to make websites pop up #1 on the Google (and if I did you sure as hell wouldn’t be getting that shit for free either!).  That shit is hard to do.  There can be a steep learning curve and some of this crap I learned is the result of years reading threads in SEO forums until my fucking eyes were bleeding or fucking shit up and having to fix it.  You know how much dough I blew fucking up on Adwords and Yahoo! Sponsored Search?  More than you put out to buy a half racks of Hamms!  The least you could do is pony up some fucking decent beer.  If you’re gonna’ take your online business seriously, then you’re gonna’ need to do more than get my drunk and ask me for “tips”.  I might be a whore, but I’m not a fucking slut.  Either learn to read or pay me, dammit!


March 5, 2008

Every once in a while, you get something that is a hat trick of awesomeness, or perhaps not so much, that it just makes you smile. It makes you put down the sniper rifle, look at the sunshine and have smiley thoughts about things like kittens and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bosses caught in compromising positions.

So who do I have to thank for this little piece of cake? Some douche dude named Justin. The hat trick you ask? It’s all from this post about his undying love for the iPhone. Ah yes, the iPhone. We all know how I feel about that by now. “But that’s only one goal,” you point out. Read the last paragraph about he LOOOOOOOOOOVES the Facebook. “Okay, two. So what’s the third?” you ask. He spammed a the Sphinn with it. It’s the trifecta of online douchebaggery!!!

Now, I’m not one to out a blackhat or talk trash about some one running a blog aimed at scoring big Adsense bucks. I’m usually one to say live and let die when it comes to that stuff. But this dopey kid represents all sorts of shit that drives me fucking nuts. First, he’s got one of those stupid hair cuts and is wearing those stupid sunglasses to look all hipsterish or something. Then he loves the fucking iPhone and is telling us how fucking great it is like every other annoying fucking Apple fanboy. Then, at the end he devotes a fucking paragraph to fucking Facebook. And as the cherry on top of this shit pie, he spams an social network devoted to search marketing with it. What a douche.

Well, Justin, assuming this is your real name and your not just some real estate cat trying to work his site up the SERPs with douchey throw away blogs, let me give you some advice. I don’t care about your stupid haircut, nor your sunglasses, nor the fact you love the iPhone and Facebook. I don’t even care that you’re trying to make a few bucks with some affiliate junk. We all need beer money. But when it comes to spamming shit, nothing bugs me more than when it’s done so obviously and ham-handedly.

First, the Sphinn is definitely not your target audience. So that was just stupid and lazy. Study your market a little (I’m thinking douchey frat boys in this instance) and hit them where they live. After all, you’re more likely to get them to click on your ads.

Second, taking advantage of an audience takes time. Running in there, creating a profile and throwing your shit up there does nothing. It’s so fucking obvious, sad, and again, lazy. If you really think we’re that fucking ignant, at least try to trick us by making us believe you’re one of us. Or them, ‘cuz I don’t have much play there these days.

Third, if you’re doing it for the link, then you’re really a fucking dumbshit. A lot of social networks are killing those links, which means the ten minutes you spent registering a profile and tossing that shit on the wall would have been better spent idolizing your hero Joe Francis giving you the reach around. Learn to read.

Justin, buddy, if you think that was a little hard, then I apologize. I do. But you need to learn. Go read some other blogs and shit and don’t come back until you can actually do that shit right without making a total jackass out of yourself.

WTF, Wikipedia?

March 3, 2008

So, anyone who has had the misfortune of trying to find anything on Google in the last six months (or much longer) have had the joy of sifting through a gazillion semi-relevant Wikipedia entries to find whatever the hell they were searching for in the first place. Just what I wanted. If I wanted the history of the fucking Golden Girls, I’ll check out the Wikipedia. But for actual information? Just five me what I was looking for! For chrissakes, just give me what I was friggin’ looking for!!!!!

But anyways, that’s Google’s deal. They want to work for Wikipedia, fine, it’s no skin off my nose. What does piss me off is when some person tries to make a Wikipedia page helpful with some interlinking and then Google, in all their wisdom, pulls a big “fuck you, Melanie!” and sinks the motherfucker into oblivion.

So, you show us a bunch of fucking worthless Wikipedia pages, and then about the time someone says, “Here, Google, I think you’ll like this page for this semi-worthless keyword phrase,” you get all uppity and shit and say go screw yourself. Thanks. Try to make Wikipedia useful for those things called humans? Just like in the “guidelines”? Nah, go piss up a rope. We realize it’s your fucking toy and you’ll play with it however the hell you want. But this “do as we say, not as we do” shit and then dogging a page once we do what you say is bullshit. You know it is. This is why MSN pulling their collective head out of their collective ass and fucking up buying Yahoo! makes you all lawyer-crazy and shit. All you all are doing is pissing the rest of us off and making us want to go check out a search engine like No bullshit there.

So here’s what I’m getting at. Your job, and the reason all these people dumped all that money into your stock, is that there’s this perception that you all deliver good results and make a killing off of Adwords and Adsense. We understand it’s your job to deliver these “relevant” (*cough**cough*) results. If that’s your job and what you’re getting paid to do, then do your fucking job!!! Not every query needs a fucking Wikipedia page in the top ten listings! And not every Wikipedia page with a moderate amount of interlinking is fucking spam! I know all you all are lazy and want math to solve the problem, but some shit can’t be solved by math. It actually requires footwork and checking shit out, something I hate. Being a lazy fucker, if I could get math, or even history, to my job I would. Trust me on that. But I can’t. Math is already working on your people’s shit and history still owes me $20 from two weekends ago and isn’t returning my calls.

Other than that, you people at Google are doing an okay job.