1. Wanna’ go as Joe Francis for Easter? What? Not all holidays involving candy mean you have to get dressed up as someone? Whatever. At any rate, someone was kind enough to compile a list so you can look the part.
2. If a crazy bitch locks herself in the bathroom of your trailer, give her a day, maybe a week, or hell, even a month, to get the hell out before calling the cops. Whatever the hell you do, DO NOT wait two fucking years to do it! And make sure she’s taking a fucking bath! Crazy people don’t always bathe!
3. Every time I start sounding like some sort of paranoid conspiracy nut, Big Brother comes along to prove me right. But! Those bastards won’t be able to read my thoughts OR see me because I’m developing a tinfoil suit!!!
4 . Not everything you read on the Sphinn may be the gospel truth. Well, duh. It’s on the friggin’ interweb, ain’t it? We all know the TV is the medium of truth.
5. There’s a wrong way and right way to depict our first President. As a bobbing head rapper – wrong. As an ass-kicking mercenary – correct.
6. W.W. Green must have been one helluva’ a man. I wonder if he’s hiring?
7. Apparently, if you ever see some guy with no legs careening down a hill on skis the last thing you’re supposed to do is look. Because if you do, you’re an asshole. Because the world is chock full of people without legs doing crap like scaling cliffs and it’s just as normal to see as a vampire fighting a werewolf. Though, if I were this guy, and people were assuming stupid shit as to why I didn’t have legs, I totally tell them I was born that way just to make them feel like a complete asshole. And then I’d cry to make them feel worse. And keep crying until they bought me a drink. And if they bought me a well-drink, I’d cry and tell them they apparently didn’t think well enough of me to buy me a good drink because I have no legs.