NO! I Can’t Fix Your Computer. And I Won’t Work For Free!

You know what’s great about this industry?  The assumption that you’re some sort of computer wiz and that people assume you can make their friggin’ shitty website numero uno for “britney spears naked”.

First of all, you know what?  Wrong geek, poindexter!!!  I don’t assume you’re a proctologist just because you look in the mirror every day, do I?  Just ‘cuz I look at these things all day doesn’t mean I can fix your friggin’ Commodore 64!  Quit being a cheap ass and buy a new one already!!!!!  It’s not like you have to take out a second mortgage to get one.  Sure, you won’t be able to use you TV set as a monitor, but you might be able to get on the interweb and start buying shit.  Quit being a damned terrorist and buy some shit online already!  Sheeesh!!!

Secondly, I love you.  You’re great.  But you know what?  I already gave you fucking $5K in free advice!!!  That shit is money right out of my pocket!  So either quit being a cheap ass and pay me for my advice or learn this shit yourself like I had to.  I don’t wave a fucking magical fairy wand to make websites pop up #1 on the Google (and if I did you sure as hell wouldn’t be getting that shit for free either!).  That shit is hard to do.  There can be a steep learning curve and some of this crap I learned is the result of years reading threads in SEO forums until my fucking eyes were bleeding or fucking shit up and having to fix it.  You know how much dough I blew fucking up on Adwords and Yahoo! Sponsored Search?  More than you put out to buy a half racks of Hamms!  The least you could do is pony up some fucking decent beer.  If you’re gonna’ take your online business seriously, then you’re gonna’ need to do more than get my drunk and ask me for “tips”.  I might be a whore, but I’m not a fucking slut.  Either learn to read or pay me, dammit!

19 Responses to “NO! I Can’t Fix Your Computer. And I Won’t Work For Free!”

  1. seohack Says:

    This rant inspired by the JDog. Now go to his blog and read his stuff. And give the fucker a dollar or two!!!

    BTW – anyone else got a rant, gripe or bitch, lemme know. seohack{at}gmail{dot}com.

  2. Syzlak Says:

    do you need to borrow my wand?

  3. JDog Says:

    Bravo Hack! I couldn’t have said it better my self🙂

    Syzlak – Can I borrow your wand?

  4. The Bagel of Everything Says:

    “Quit being a damned terrorist and buy some shit online already! ”

    Yay!

    PS: Can you make me #1 for Chicken Labia?

  5. greatscott! Says:

    “britney spears naked” may be tricky, but all you need to hit number 3 for “britney spears twat” is to write the

  6. seohack Says:

    @ syz – ixnay aboutay theay andway!

    @ JDog – no problemo. thanks for giving me something to bitch about!

    @ bagel – you’re still sittin’ 5, which ain’t bad . . . . but i still recommend adding pics of topless women anyways.

    @ guy who works with Rebecca – damn you, guy who works with Rebecca!!! you start to give the secret away and no one will ever know it!!!!!!

  7. Alexis Says:

    I just came across your blog today and I swear with this post you won a reader for life. Brilliant!

  8. Jay Says:

    ahhhh you read my mind, i think that should be my answering machine message.

  9. Mitch Says:

    Awesome!,,,lol

  10. Veronica Says:

    Ya awesome awesome awesome!

  11. ComputerWizzzz Says:

    as many people here, I’ also in IT. I’m getting sick and tired of being bugged to fix somebody else`s personal computer problems… I’m a Sr. Systems Engineer. I’m tired of getting calls in the middle of the night especially if they involve replying with something like “Yes, I beleive your Caps Lock is ON”
    I wonder if gynocologists get asked to provide free rectal exams. Hey, hereis an idea. If you stop asking me to fix your personal computer problems, I will pay for your colonoscopy!

  12. ComputerWizzzz Says:

    and yes, I’m doing what I tell others to do when they are unhappy in their job. I’m looking for a new job!

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