NO! I Can’t Fix Your Computer. And I Won’t Work For Free!

You know what’s great about this industry?  The assumption that you’re some sort of computer wiz and that people assume you can make their friggin’ shitty website numero uno for “britney spears naked”.

First of all, you know what?  Wrong geek, poindexter!!!  I don’t assume you’re a proctologist just because you look in the mirror every day, do I?  Just ‘cuz I look at these things all day doesn’t mean I can fix your friggin’ Commodore 64!  Quit being a cheap ass and buy a new one already!!!!!  It’s not like you have to take out a second mortgage to get one.  Sure, you won’t be able to use you TV set as a monitor, but you might be able to get on the interweb and start buying shit.  Quit being a damned terrorist and buy some shit online already!  Sheeesh!!!

Secondly, I love you.  You’re great.  But you know what?  I already gave you fucking $5K in free advice!!!  That shit is money right out of my pocket!  So either quit being a cheap ass and pay me for my advice or learn this shit yourself like I had to.  I don’t wave a fucking magical fairy wand to make websites pop up #1 on the Google (and if I did you sure as hell wouldn’t be getting that shit for free either!).  That shit is hard to do.  There can be a steep learning curve and some of this crap I learned is the result of years reading threads in SEO forums until my fucking eyes were bleeding or fucking shit up and having to fix it.  You know how much dough I blew fucking up on Adwords and Yahoo! Sponsored Search?  More than you put out to buy a half racks of Hamms!  The least you could do is pony up some fucking decent beer.  If you’re gonna’ take your online business seriously, then you’re gonna’ need to do more than get my drunk and ask me for “tips”.  I might be a whore, but I’m not a fucking slut.  Either learn to read or pay me, dammit!