WTF, Wikipedia?

So, anyone who has had the misfortune of trying to find anything on Google in the last six months (or much longer) have had the joy of sifting through a gazillion semi-relevant Wikipedia entries to find whatever the hell they were searching for in the first place. Just what I wanted. If I wanted the history of the fucking Golden Girls, I’ll check out the Wikipedia. But for actual information? Just five me what I was looking for! For chrissakes, just give me what I was friggin’ looking for!!!!!

But anyways, that’s Google’s deal. They want to work for Wikipedia, fine, it’s no skin off my nose. What does piss me off is when some person tries to make a Wikipedia page helpful with some interlinking and then Google, in all their wisdom, pulls a big “fuck you, Melanie!” and sinks the motherfucker into oblivion.

So, you show us a bunch of fucking worthless Wikipedia pages, and then about the time someone says, “Here, Google, I think you’ll like this page for this semi-worthless keyword phrase,” you get all uppity and shit and say go screw yourself. Thanks. Try to make Wikipedia useful for those things called humans? Just like in the “guidelines”? Nah, go piss up a rope. We realize it’s your fucking toy and you’ll play with it however the hell you want. But this “do as we say, not as we do” shit and then dogging a page once we do what you say is bullshit. You know it is. This is why MSN pulling their collective head out of their collective ass and fucking up buying Yahoo! makes you all lawyer-crazy and shit. All you all are doing is pissing the rest of us off and making us want to go check out a search engine like Fooky.com. No bullshit there.

So here’s what I’m getting at. Your job, and the reason all these people dumped all that money into your stock, is that there’s this perception that you all deliver good results and make a killing off of Adwords and Adsense. We understand it’s your job to deliver these “relevant” (*cough*MFAS.blogspot.com*cough*) results. If that’s your job and what you’re getting paid to do, then do your fucking job!!! Not every query needs a fucking Wikipedia page in the top ten listings! And not every Wikipedia page with a moderate amount of interlinking is fucking spam! I know all you all are lazy and want math to solve the problem, but some shit can’t be solved by math. It actually requires footwork and checking shit out, something I hate. Being a lazy fucker, if I could get math, or even history, to my job I would. Trust me on that. But I can’t. Math is already working on your people’s shit and history still owes me $20 from two weekends ago and isn’t returning my calls.

Other than that, you people at Google are doing an okay job.

El Tigre, This Is An Intervention – Tumblr Is A Cult!

Buddy, we’re worried about you. At first this whole tumblr thing just seemed like a new blogging community. But the more you post about tumblr meet ups and other sort of gathering, I’m worried it’s more like a cult. Every other post has something to say about tumblr, and I never see any dissent in the ranks. And it seems like the deeper in you get, the worse it is.

El Tigre, you have a family that loves you and needs you. You have friends, non-tumblr friends, that care about you. And then there’s me, who thinks you’re alright and wouldn’t beat you with a stick. But that’s neither here nor there. I mean, I like you and all, and I’m no good at beating people so that’s kind of a throw-away comment. Anyways, the point I’m trying to drive home is there are people who care about you, some of which are your friends and family. And none of these people will beat you up. Can you say the same about the tumblr cult if you try leaving? Can you? Really?

Please, El Tigre, don’t let this hipster interweb cult suck you in. This gunny sack and that non-descript white van are for your own good. Let’s not make this any harder than it already is.